Marriage and relationships after Weight Loss Surgery

[TiredOfMyself 141]

Hi, I'm new here. I'm taking the steps to start this journey and am really nervous.

For those of you who have had surgery and have been married or in a relationship for a while, how is your life right now? I know several people (probably 10) who have had weight loss surgery and all but one has divorced or has split up with their significant other. It's almost like they lose weight and have a mid life crisis, always out at bars and running around. These are people who are close friends, the parent teacher association president at my kids school, my dental hygienist, the teller at our bank, so basically people from all walks of life. I obviously don't know all of them on a very close level but these people I like and respect. They lost weight and went nuts almost.

My husband and I have been together for 16 years (I am 34) and we have 3 children. We are very happy and I worry about how our relationship will change, How I will change. I know I will change but I sure hope I change for the better. Obviously, I know myself and know what kind of person I am and would never risk my family.

Thanks

Edited June 10, 2015 by TiredOfMyself

[pink dahlia 2,513]

I cant speak for others but being banded just made everything better, not worse. My hubby met me at a slim 125 lbs, married 5 yrs later at a 143 and after our son was born (26 yrs ago) watch me balloon to 225 lbs . He never said a word but I know he wasn't happy about my weight. I wasn't the attractive outgoing person who could do things anymore. Too tired or no energy or uncomfortable. Now ? Complete opposite ! I'm baaaaacccckkkkkkk!!!!!!!!!!! We are both very happy with my decision to get banded !!

[TiredOfMyself 141]

I was about 125 when we began dating and don't even want to mention what I now weigh!

Thanks for replying, I hope we are the same way!

[tkuch 28]

I was worried about my husband and I after I had weight loss surgery more because he met me as a big woman and loves them that way. I feared he would no longer be attracted to me getting smaller. I had surgery two years ago and have gone to counseling both individual and couples just to make sure I kept my head on straight and my husband was able to deal with the changes as well. We have been together for 10 years! I would say the key is really talking to one another.

[CanyonBaby 1,852]

We've been together for almost 20 years now, and if weight loss was going to split us up, we had more problems than just weight! Have your spouse attend the information sessions with you, both of you have any and all knowledge available, so you know what to expect. Read books, see videos, BE INFORMED! Have your spouse help you with planning, recovery, and anything you think may involve him/her. Have it be an "us" adventure, include them in all aspects. When you BOTH make an investment, you both gain (and NOT weight!!!)!!!! Good luck to you both!

[Djmohr 6,965]

Totally agree with @CanyonBaby. This really is a journey you both go through together. If you already don't have support, you won't likely get it diwn the road.

My husband is obese as well and really needs to do something for himself but in the meantime I do not pressure him. He will make the appropriate changes as he becomes more ready.

As far as I go, he is so proud of the progress I have made that he tells my story all the time. We had to see my bariatric doctor this week because I am having a very difficult time eating much of anything following another surgery. My husband went on and on about how engaged I am in this journey, whether it be a support group lead role or simply helping spread the word. My doctor said to my husband that it is really refreshing to see a spouse so excited for his significant other. He really is my biggest supporter. He is my very best friend and has done nothing but support my choices along the way. I would like to think most healthy strong marriages become stronger after this type of life changing event.

[Cupcake 801]

Hi my husband and I have been married and hpjust celebrated 25 years of marriage , this surgery only enhance my love life my husband loved me unconditionally regardless of my weight but he went to every appointment and seminar with me regarding my weight loss procedure as well as he went to every appointment I had for my Tummy Tuck and I am now 9 days post opt from having my tummy tuck . He has been awsume and our love life and marriage is stronger . I agree with the above statement that your marriage does not end as a direct result of wright lost or gain there are other underlined factors there . It is so nice to be healthy and have energy to engaged in activities that I once use to partake in as well as activities I never would have tried rather physically or sexually because for one I was not physically able to or had the self esteem to try . Now I do because I am comfortable in my own skin . My confidence is unstoppable and it shows I smile more I am now taking pictures which I never did . Remember communications is everything and reassurance is everything . You will get attention that you are not use to as well as you might even loose friends because they are intimidated by the new you , but remember you are worthy of being healthy and happy and you don't have to apologize to anyone for that . Also the addiction you were referring to is caused by people who use to use food got everything from stress, comfort , or love and they have replace said addiction with alcohol, shopping, and sex this cross addiction needs to be monitored and discuss with your significant other as well as a professional if needed . Good luck .

[Maggietcu2 55]

We got our midlife crisis put of the way already lol I know hubby and I will do just fine, we are in a very loving and supportive place. Also have 2 young kiddos to keep us busy.

[AussieSam 234]

My marriage is just as it was before my wls I think one of my secrets was to do it slow and not expecting to lose 250 lbs overnight. I put in my mind that I will do it within 5 to 10 years and because of the slowness it doesn't have all the hormonal issues with very fast weight loss.

[lmb012182 61]

The man I was with at the time of my surgery actively tried to prevent me from going through with it. He was convinced I would get smaller and stop loving him. It broke us up. We had been together for a little over a year. Later, after he saw pictures of me, happy, healthy, and smaller, he admitted that he was insecure and wrong. We did not get back together but we made our peace I guess. I would have given anything to have a supportive partner during that time. If WLS is going to break a relationship up, I think the relationship was not strong to start with. It sounds like you and your hubby are very happy. I imagine that as you shrink, that happiness will only grow as he sees you transform and become healthier.

[kiss-my-kitty 12]

I hope my story provides you with some reassurance:

I met my husband in 2000, when I was 16 years old and around 250 pounds, and he was 18 and probably 170ish. We worked together, talked and flirted for a couple of weeks, he asked me out on August 16th, 2000, and that was the official beginning of our relationship. He proposed a year later, we married in 2004, and when I gave birth to our first child that same month, a girl, I weighed 300 pounds. Two years later, in 2006, I gave birth to our second child, a boy, and left the hospital weighing 320 pounds.

In 2009 I was at my heaviest -- 335 pounds. I had roux en y (gastric bypass) that November, and hit my goal weight of 165ish pounds two years after that. I'm now 5.5 years out and am steady in the 165-175 pound range (changing around antidepressants has been messing with my weight).

My husband fell in love with me at 250, continued to love and lust after me at my heaviest of 335 pounds, and has continued to love me and be attracted to me as I lost weight and gained loose skin, and underwent several more surgeries (five) to fix RNY-related problems with my intestines, as well as a hysterectomy, and most recently a strangulated intestinal hernia.

My opinion on relationships "surviving" after one person has drastic weight loss is simple: is the relationship strong to begin with? It takes a strong, healthy, happy relationship to be able to survive any type of dramatic or traumatic change. If your relationship falls apart after you or your partner undergoes weight loss surgery and continues on to lose a significant amount of weight, then the relationship wasn't strong and healthy to begin with.

[Swampdoggie 477]

@@TiredOfMyself My husband and I met in grad school (I was actually engaged to someone else) and have been together almost 28 years, married for 25, have gone thru thick and thin (well, thin and thick). I think you are asking a very important question, and I think the folks who've weighed in have it right. If you have a solid foundation to work with, it can get better and better. If things were rocky already, this might cause a rupture.

In my case, he's very self confident (and trim and handsome) and doesn't worry about other guys so no jealousy issues. But, I think there are considerations other than weight loss, and you have to work on how you'll approach them. For example, I didn't expect my family to have to eat what I am eating. However, my husband agreed that he'd cook (he's a terrible cook, but can make tacos) for the fam while I was in the liquids stage. At the same time (around Christmas) I sucked it up and went to family events where I was the only one drinking premier Protein - even in restaurants, but for the most part, when we can make the choices, we pick a restaurant where I'll have options. We play poker with M&M chips and I had to be prepared to participate because its a big deal in our family. He didn't attend any info or support stuff with me and though it would have been nice, I know him and this was not something he'd be comfortable with. But he made sure I could attend whatever I needed to - worked out his schedule for me - and did/does laundry and shopping and dishes etc as much as I do, particularly when I was less able (surgery and recovery).

He never said word one about the weight; just that he wanted me to be happy and healthy. He's so happy I can do more stuff with the family again and so am I!

I always tell our kids, pick someone you find funny, who finds you funny - who GETS you - and build on that (and make sure they can laugh at themselves). God Bless the man, on the few occasions when we've seen a couple with an older guy and a hot young lady he has wondered aloud what they talk about. (Even if he doesn't mean it, having said it wins him husband points).

[TiredOfMyself 141]

Thank you all for the advice and responses.

I'm in the mind set that I personally will never do anything to jeopardize my marriage or my kids 2 parent household. He feels the same.

H and I are happy, we don't fight, we enjoy each other and our family. He was a friend before we ever had a relationship and we are still best friends. I am a worrier by nature and this seems like the one part of this journey I don't need to focus so much on.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

I wouldn't worry about it if I were you, given how you describe your relationship and commitment to family.

My husband is just super supportive of everything I've ever wanted to do. Bless his sweet heart. I adore him. And he adores me.

He's just so happy for me. And so proud of me.

<3

[snickysnack78 131]

The problems, if any, that are there before the surgery will be there after. The weight loss surgery wont fix any of your relationship problems.

In my case, my boyfriend has been nothing but supportive in this. He has attended all he can wit the support groups, and will be prepared to be with me while I am at the hospital. He said he will do anything. At first, we kind of argued about it, but I think that it was his insecurity. He had the impression that I would lose all this weight and then leave him. After letting the information sit at the table for a while and he understood why I was doing it ( healthier life and have children), he was on board. I just need to make sure to talk to him and communicate more.

Good luck in your journey