Madly in love but holding back info

[bellabloom 2,467]

I have been dating for awhile now and I have met a wonderful man and fallen in love with him. He is kind and affectionate and compliments me constantly on my beauty and sexiness etc. he doesn't seem to care about the little bit of loose skin I have or really notice it. I don't have a whole lot, just looks like I had kids (which I have).

But I haven't told him about my wls or that before my surgery I struggled both with bulimia and anorexia over the years. I went through an abusive relationship before him for eight years and my weight and problems with food were a constant focus which made my weight balloon out of control.

I still struggle with some issues surrounding food and eating disorder behavior but mostly it's in my past. I am living my life now as a thin woman and plan to continue to do so. I have given up almost all of the bad habits I used to have around food and I don't really see it being a huge factor in my future.

But I am terrified to tell him of this history because I feel like it will shape his idea of me into who I used to be and not who I am now. I don't want food to ever be a focus for me again, ever! I don't want my partner watching and worrying about what I eat or even associating me with the person I used to be who had these major issues.

At what point is the past really the past? Are we doomed to live in the shadow of our past choices and mistakes and traumas forever? At what point do I have a responsibility to tell him all my private history?

Can't I just move on in the person I am now and put this in the past were it belongs? I want to be a thin woman without food issues and free from the mistakes I've made.

Maybe he wouldn't care and love me regardless- maybe he would care. Either way why should the past have a stranglehold of power over the present?

[Miss Mac 6,262]

He sounds like a great guy, but if he is secretly shallow,, wouldn't you want to know sooner than later? Has he asked about your scars? I am a believer in this: You don't have to lie, but you don't have to tell everything you know. If he doesn't bring it up, then I wouldn't either.

[woo woo 872]

I'm with miss mac, don't lie but there's no reason you have to volunteer everything, especially the past relationship and eating disorders. That's your business.

ETA: My point being that you can (if you want) relay the fact that you had surgery without disclosing all that other painful stuff.

[bellabloom 2,467]

He knows I had surgery but not for what exactly. He doesn't know I was technically obese. I told him I had stomach and gallbladder surgery and have trouble eating because I'm still dealing with some complications. He didn't inquire into exact details.

It's been impossible to avoid telling him something because I am still unable to eat most foods. It's only been about three months since my sleeve. It's almost worse that I've told him half truths rather than saying nothing at all.

But honestly I just don't want him to know. I want to enjoy being with someone who has no idea of my past issues. After years with a man who never let me forget how "damaged" I was, it's soooo nice to start with a clean slate. I get to be me, not the damaged eating disorder former fat girl my ex always reminds me I am.

If I want to eat potato chips I can do so without worrying that he is thinking I am eating unhealthy. If I want to never talk about weight with him again, I still can go that route!

It's a clean slate and a chance to be who I want to be. To redefine myself. To move on from the past. I say bury that shit and be done with it!!

There is a reason people burn letters, rip up photographs, send bottles of memories out to sea. Because at some point we need to let go and move on.

It's my time to do that and bringing up my history would not move me further along in my journey.

[AussieSam 234]

I think hold off to you get to know him more and if he is mr right then I'm pretty sure down the track he will accept regardless of past.

[pink dahlia 2,513]

I agree its totally up to you on whether or not you tell him about your weight problems etc that are in the past. Its your relationship, not ours and you know whats best between you and your new sweetie. My only thought is that even though we have had bad experiences in our past, those experiences shaped us in one way or another. Hopefully this man has a big heart and will see you for the beautiful person you are, no matter what your weight was, a bad past relationship, or WLS that you had to get healthy. You'll know when the time to disclose info is and you'll find out what kind of person he is. ( speaking from experience......... and yes we've been through thick and thin together, 33 years and counting. ) Good luck !!!!

[CanyonBaby 1,852]

Oh, I get so tired of hearing this kind of thing. Not you personally, don't get me wrong. But I have to say IF you are madly in love, what is the big deal? Let me tell you MY version of MADLY in LOVE:

I am married to a man, have been for almost 20 years. MADLY in LOVE to me means I am willing to clean up after the terrible bouts resulting from colon cancer. Sitting for hours on end watching chemo treatments drip into my husband while he fades away. Watching my life fade away with his. For he has been my life for a very long time. I gave up my career so he could follow his. I have moved across this country over ten times for this. I have waited for eons to see if he was going to come home alive from his job (he's a police officer).

He is madly in love with me, too. He has wiped my bottom more times than I care to think about after several of MY surgeries. He has waited in agony in the ever-sterile waiting rooms of hospitals for word on my condition. He has tolerated my rage, fear, self-centered behavior far longer than any man with half a brain would EVER tolerate.

THIS, my dear, is MAD LOVE. If you don't have it, I'm sorry. I can tell my husband ANYTHING, with NO fear of him losing respect for me, lessening of his love for me, disgusting him with my myriad of scars.

I may not have him for much longer, but I have him FOREVER. I have his HEART, and he has mine.

These are the things with which a true, everlasting relationship is built on. I am truly sorry for the history you have. He cannot change it, but if you give him a chance, he CAN change your future. If you go through life not being able to tell him everything, why are you with him? What will happen when the bad times come? You won't have a base from which to draw strength. He's not perfect, neither are you. We not only live with these "failings", but we learn to embrace them, for they make us stronger, as a couple. There are not very many strong marriages out there anymore. One reason is trust. Or the lack of. Trust is a leap of faith, and if you don't take it, you will never know the true depths your relationship could take.

So ask yourself: are you ready for all the bad that can come with the good? Is he? Ask.

[mzsweetb 15]

You dont have to feel you have to tell him every little thing about your past. Just enjoy now stop feeling pressure your past is your past if it comes up in conversation one of these days then you can tell him what you feel comfortable with it. Do you know about all that has happen in his past? Probably not cause men dont feel the need to bring up everything that has happen to them in life. Live for today and if he cares then he wont judge you when and if YOU choose to talk to him about it.

[gowalking 10,790]

You are a very lucky woman @CanyonBaby. I too had a love like that. I lost him more than 20 years ago and enough time has passed for the grief to have softened to the point where I am able to know I was truly blessed to have had him for 17 years. Our sons are grown men now and wonderful husbands and fathers. That's some legacy he left. Every time I see them interacting with their families, I know my husband has left a mark that goes on long after he passed from this world.

Just know that I have great hope and faith that your husband will survive this battle and you will be able to look back on this as one more challenge you both were able to overcome. Blessings to you both.

Gowalking

[glitter eyes 1,398]

@@CanyonBaby what a truly beautiful and touching post. True love like that is rare and once you have it you feel blessed everyday. I have been lucky enough to find this type of unconditional, head over heels love too. I agree that to be completely connected two people have to be willing to share the good and the bad, be there for each other and share the hard truths.

I have been with my husband since I was 16 and now I am 43. He has loved me through all my different sizes. We are each others best friend. I can't imagine what a difficult time this is for you and your husband. He is your world. I pray for his healing and strength for you both.

To the original poster- you have to do what feels right for you. However, once you have no secrets from your significant other and accept each other for the good and the bad it opens up an entirely different level of love. Good luck to you in your relationship. Everyone deserves a true love!!

[BigViffer 3,544]

If this guy eventually becomes "the one", he is going to need to know about your surgery for no other reason that to be safe in a medical emergency. Certain medications & intubations must be handled differently for us. My surgeon gave me a card for the restaurant and for hospitals.

You can't hide your past forever, and honestly why would you want to? You are the sum of all of your experiences. Good or bad. You wouldn't recognize the bad again if it had never happened the first time. And with the bad, you can recognize what is good.

If you truly love him, you can be honest with him. And if he truly loves you, he won't care. As a man, if I found a woman had this big secret about weight loss surgery that she was worried about telling me, I would be, "meh". It's not important to me who a woman was, it's who she is now and who she will be that I am interested.

Now if you were a thieving drug user that did time in the clink sometime in the past, that is something I would be concerned about!

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

You are 3 months post op..... i dont mean to sound like a Debbie Downer but you have a road in front of you before you can declare permanent victory. I mean to say that at 3.5 years post op and I am feeling more and more healed and I didn't have anorexia or bulimia.

How long have you been dating him?

I don't tell people my entire medical history. I do disclose that I lost ALOT of weight and had reconstruction plastics. My boyfriend never wanted to know more....if he had asked I would have told him. I also haven't talked about the bone infection I had that disbled me for awhile etc....not a secret just not that relevant.

[Maggietcu2 55]

Congrats on all these wonderful, positive changes you have brought into your life! I can totally understand wanting to just be with him and this not be an issue. However, it's clearly still an "issue" for you psychologically or you wouldn't be so focused on surpressing it. Chances are, he's not going to have any negative feelings about it. I even bet he'll fall more in love with you because who wouldn't fall for a girl who has overcome such adversity? You'll be an inspiration to him, you'll see. When the time is right, you can tell him. But don't be afraid to tell him for his sake. When you're ready.

[lisacaron 5,075]

My advice to you....is enjoy your life. It will ebb and flow like everything else in life. There will be good and bad. Your past is something that helped get you to where you are today, and that's that.

Dwelling on it, could mean that you still have issues coming to terms with it, and that is what I would work on.

That is the only issue someone who loves you would care about. How it affects YOU, because how you feel is going to reflect in your relationship with others.

Keep working on you and enjoying life and love. When you are OK with life it won't be such a big deal to share it with the ones you love and there will be no holding back. Keeping secrets and telling lies or even half truths is work...and who would want to work that hard at something when you could be just honestly enjoying life?

It's too short in my humble opinion to be worried about keeping the cats in the bag or the dogs from barking

[bellabloom 2,467]

Thank you everyone for kind words and advice. I am six months put from surgery and I do realize that there is a road in front of me. That's part of why I don't want to say anything. I need time to heal and time to form new habits and I don't want to be scrutinized while I'm doing so.

If I was farther out from surgery and it really was in the distant past I probably wouldn't sweat it as much. I've gotten comfortable telling friends about it and one day I probably won't care who knows.

I didn't expect to fall for someone like this right now. It's only been about two months since we have been dating buts it's a relationship like none I've even experienced. This could very well be the man I marry.

Down the road I realize that he should know for medical reasons and because if I'm going to share my life with someone they should know about such a big event in my life.

But right now I just want to live in the moment and enjoy our relationship without shadows from the past hanging over me.

One major difference, at least for me, is that I was only overweight for about five years. It was a blip in my life. I dealt with my eating disorder much longer. I went through intensive eating disorder therapy and put it behind me and that's when the weight came on. I had years when I was thin, thin me is who I relate to the most, and I don't want to shape his idea of me in another way. Does that make sense? This is who I am. Not the woman who went through an abusive relationship, gained weight, and lost it.

I want to just be able to be the me I am now. I've just come into my own again and I'm enjoying it so much. I don't want to have the past hanging over me! Can I just be free of it for while until I am ready?

I've decided not to tell him for the time being. I'm going to wait until I'm really ready to share that part of my past and no sooner.