male only The Science of Attraction

[OKCPirate 5,323]

As a single man, I am very interested in knowing what women are attracted to, and what repulses them (so I don't do that).

What I am hoping to share and learn from others is research that you discovered that might help other single guys know what women want.

This also might be helpful to the married guys who want to keep their wives happy.

Please post any findings you have here, I am always trying to learn. I also posted some tips on online dating on the "books relating to relationships...food or bad genes from a potential spouse were successful in passing their gene's forward. Some manifestations today: morning sickness during the first trimester when ever they smell something that potentially harm the baby they puke to get rid of the germs.

It's easy for single guys to vege out and not worry about taking a shower when they aren't going out, but bacteria grows and the smelly residue is noticed unconsciously by women though it is not noticed by guys. In the first few seconds of meeting you a women's brain unconsciously looks for subtle clues to your general health: shoulder to hip ratio, symmetry of the body/face and will notice subtle odors guys can't smell.

Women might not decide to say yes to a date in the first few seconds, but they will make a "no way" decision within the four seconds. Once you get the the "no way" moniker it's tough to overcome it. Give yourself a chance to meet the future Mrs. Right by washing up everyday.

Note - attempts to cover lack of daily showers with Polo or Axe colones work with some, but many women are on to that and are consciously repulsed by those smells.

Edited June 7, 2015 by OKCPirate

[*Lexie* 1,486]

Clean, white teeth and fresh breath. Every time I see a couple kiss passionately after waking up in the morning on TV, I think, there's no way that would ever happen in real life. I don't even want someone with morning breath to talk in my direction.

[SkinnyDown 409]

The biggest thing that I look for, and am attracted to is confidence.

If a man lacks it, two things are going to happen.

1. I'm probably not going to be that interested

2. If I still happen to like the person, I'll take charge, as I am a naturally dominant woman. That's just who I am.

I love Alpha males. Not the chest beaters, those guys are really beta males trying to convince you they are Alphas. A true Alpha male (imo) is a man who knows how to create his own space. He is in control of himself, and his emotions. He is never desperate or needy. He is not the guy going around from table to table at a club looking for a woman. An Alpha male is the guy sitting alone, comfortable in his own skin, enjoying himself...he always draws the women to him. He is neither controlling or overly dominant, because he has total control of himself. He is not insecure or jealous either. Now that's exactly what I want. That kind of man, I feel safe with. Which for me, is very high on my list of needs, where a mate is concerned.

The smell thing....maybe I'm different, more animalistic, or primal, but I don't mind a little musk on my men. I like to be able to smell their natural body odor. I do not mean rank. But I don't need a soapy smelling apple/pomegranate in bed. You mask your true scent, and that's what makes me want a man more...his true scent.

Very good questions @@OKCPirate

Uh oh, sorry I thought these questions were geared towards women, looks like I'm in the wrong room. Carry on with your discussion.

Edited June 7, 2015 by carolm1965

[OKCPirate 5,323]

carolm1965 I think you are correct...

Jim Rohn said, "its dumb to go to a field and yell 'I need food, give it to me.' No, what you need to do is go the the field with seeds. Never go with your needs, only your seeds."

I dated successfully at 305. I get many more dating opportunities at 222. I am convinced that women have have evolved senses to seek out healthy mates (basic reproductive needs). Even if kids are not the goal, that shapes most of our tastes and attraction. (Read "Why Women Have Sex" by Cindy M. Meston)

But outside appearance aside is what the weight loss did to me on the inside. I took control of my health, which gave me more confidence, and confidence is sexy and attractive to women. So get your head right before you try to write an online dating profile. Do NOT ever say "I'm lonely, want a friend"...Trying to get a date is sales and marketing. So sell yourself as "I am starting an adventure and there is no turning back, want to join me..." Project lots of confidence and that will be attractive to women.

If you Google dating, you will find there are many jerks who have sites about how to sleep with women via manipulation, but just because their motives are bad, doesn't mean their insights into how to attract women are necessarily wrong. One guy who I find morally repugnant had a great tip...make a goal to approach 25 women a day, and make notes about each one. His point was the only way to get confident is to practice.

One important note...make a list of the qualities that YOU want in the woman of your dreams. Yes you want a cure to loneliness right now, but create a profile of the woman you want in your life. What will she look like, what does she like to do, what is her job, what is her personality, intelligence. Until you do that, you are shooting in the dark and will only make yourself and others miserable. You have to have the confidence to say "look you are a nice person, and you will be a perfect match for someone, but not me." That's confidence in yourself and truth to your intention and vision.

Confidence is not free. It takes work to get it. But it is a skill that can be developed. You are on a new path, congrats on the weight loss so far, and it will only get better. If you plan and prepare before you act, you will do better.

One other note, you will cope with your feelings of loneliness better IF you have a plan of action. I can do without many things in the short term if I have some hope there will be something better down the road. (very rough paraphrase of I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. All of the New Testament is about Hope and community when you start breaking things down to the very essence IMHO).

[Rovobay 920]

Clean, white teeth and fresh breath. Every time I see a couple kiss passionately after waking up in the morning on TV, I think, there's no way that would ever happen in real life. I don't even want someone with morning breath to talk in my direction.

I imagine you reacting like this?

[Rovobay 920]

@@*Lexie* (not sure if you are a dog lover...) or this may be you....

[Guest]

@SkinnyDown gave you a "golden nugget" if you will - CONFIDENCE. I know the Alpha Male (AM) she is talking about. The man's man. The guy who has his life together and he knows it.

Typical AM traits which all of us guys should begin working on in tandem with our physical fitness and health:

Masculine - AMs are men. They come from all walks of life and socio-economic backgrounds but the diversity ends where the common core traits begin. All AMs share the ability to lead, possess dominant personalities, and most obvious is maintaining a relaxed and comfortable demeanor around the opposite sex.

Be more direct and honest - I personally started doing this years before my surgery. This trait demands that you speak your mind. Shed the fear of saying something others may not want to hear. Don't sugarcoat things if you want to express what you want. That being said, this isn't a license to be an a*****e. Give respect, get respect, but express yourself and what you want.

"The World is Mine" Attitude - For me this means viewing all that you survey and deciding what you want from life. A hard pill to swallow is to believe that you are entitled. Entitled to being treated with basic human respect, entitled to feel good about yourself and your achievements, entitled to the best woman you can imagine yourself being with, not necessarily "perfect" but "perfect for you". Contrary to popular belief, and something which Skinnydown alluded to; true AMs are not jerks, and they are not rude. They do not seek to demean others to elevate themselves. When you see this you know you are dealing with a "poser", a wannabe AM who is mentally and emotionally weak because he doesn't know what is required of him so he tries to fake it till he makes it. Use this World is Mine attitude to realize what you want to become and improve upon what you were before.

"What a man can be, he must be." ~ Abraham Maslow

Social - Work on this whether you are at week 1 post op or 5 yrs post op. Just what the name implies, get yourself out there and engage the world around you. Social dynamics are "free advertising" for AMs. When you get out there and connect with people, regardless if its the cashier at your usual convenience store, the stock shelf employee at the grocery store, the guy with the nice car in a parking lot, and yes, the attractive woman you encounter while out. These should be normal conversations not pick up routines. Condition your brain to interact with others, I don't care if they are rich, poor, attractive or fugly.

Just talk.

I employ this tactic all the time when I go out at night to sing karaoke - and yes I can sing - like winning contests sing. I'm still the only pasty white boy I know who can get a standing ovation singing "Purple Rain" by Prince. I use that ability to open social pathways to engaging others around me. When I belt out a song everyone likes, I now have the doorway to this social construct unlocked and anyone who has a smile on their face, shakes my hand, high fives me is a potential opportunity to engage in conversation and non-verbally advertise my AM status. For those who can't sing, a good ice breaker is to compliment the neutral focus point in the conversation. Examples include, the guy with the nice car - ask about it, power, handling, and pass along a compliment. At work, find something a coworker is wearing, a neck tie, a watch, an article of jewelry and say something positive about it. In practicing these habits you will condition your brain to "think of others before you think about yourself". A true AM elevates those around him because AMs enjoy being in like company.

Never Feel Embarrassed - A real AM doesn't concern himself with other people's opinions. If they did they would never be able to speak their mind or do what they want. This will feel completely counterintuitive if you have dealt with social awkwardness commonly associated with being a large man, but you must cast off this anchor if you intend to sail the world and obtain the new life you are entitled to as an AM.

Risk -AMs are risk takers, no question about it. Whether its a big risk or small one, you have to work up that "tombstone courage" and just make it happen. Similar to not being embarrassed, AMs don't fear failure from risk because the reality is "the greater the risk, the greater the reward". Failure is a lesson and AMs study that failure and learn from lessons to be able to get closer to, or conquer the particular success they are seeking.

On the opposite spectrum, and I will wager there are many men on here who fit this category because of the added weight they carried for so long, is the Beta Male (BM). The BM will almost always be relegated to the "friend zone" which is the romantic version of a black hole. Once you get pulled in, not even light can escape it.

A BM usually has traits such as:

Nice Guy Syndrome: BMs are some of the nicest people you will ever meet. They help you when you need help, they are courteous and pleasant to be around. At face value this sounds like a great guy. The problem is BMs are used as doormats. People usually take advantage of that niceness, and women do not want a doormat they can walk on, they want a man who treats them different from all the other women they are associated with, not just a nice guy that's there for her...and every other woman. In this case nice guys DO finish last and they are guaranteed to be sucked into the friend zone.

Others First: This is the other detriment commonly found along side the Nice Guy Syndrome. If the Nice Guy Syndrome is a wart on your personality, the Others First is the gross pus filled white head on top of that wart. BMs always tend to place others first being very unselfish and giving. Again at face value this sounds like a great guy. The down side again is putting others first at the expense of your own dreams and desires completely killing any chance at your own success in whatever you endeavor to do in life. Now bear in mind, this is not a encouragement to step on, maim, kill and pillage all who cross your path to success. It means, aim for the best you can imagine and yes make time for others, but not to the extant that it impedes your own happiness. You are responsible for making your own happiness and you can't do that if you are always catering to everyone else's beck and call.

Self-Doubt: This is the "kiss of death" to being attractive to a woman. Self doubt erodes confidence by second guessing your thoughts and moves - fear of risk. With little to no confidence you project a man who can't fulfill the role as the best candidate for a woman seeking a potential partner. If you make excuses for not doing something whether out of fear or laziness you are killing the AM potential you seek. This is the antithesis of the "World is Mine" attitude and as the old adage says, "Fear has killed more dreams than failure ever could".

Guarded: This is the opposite of being more direct and honest. BMs conceal their desires from others, whether its their career ambition, personal goals and dreams and yes even sexual desires, they fail to make known their wants and needs and in the end wind up losing every opportunity they could have had. Hall of Fame legend Wayne Gretzky, the National Hockey League all time leading goal scorer said it best when he said, "You will always miss 100% of the shots you don't take."

Self Conscious – BMs are restricted in life because they care too much about social judgement and what everyone else thinks of them. In doing so they ALLOW OTHERS to dictate who they are, removing control of their choices and dreams and placing it into the hands of people who don't know the real them; including family, friends as well as strangers. Engaging in this behavior will limit what a BM does and the choices he makes.

A way to apply the AM though process is to remember that opportunity will always be obtained outside of your comfort zone. You are not the product of what happened to you, you are what you choose to become.

“Your visions will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.” ~ Carl Jung, Psychologist & Philosopher

[HB76356 122]

I would say you have to have an idea of what you really want and what is important to you. Doesn't matter your size or whatever.

Be treated the way you want to be treated or love on. I had a date arrive 45 mins late, no text, no apology on arrival. I was only still there because I had invited her to a restaurant I wanted to try.

I had already ordered my food and was eating, almost done actually. She seemed surprised that I had ordered, but didn't say anything. She asked if she should order. I explained that the food was very good and that she should definitely try something. When the waitress came back, I asked for my check. My "date" asked what I was doing. I explained that I was finished and that I was going.

This started a whole thing, which never involved an actual apology for not only being late, but not calling. Eventually she slipped up and said what was REALLY bothering her. I wasn't paying for the meal. LOL.

Don't let anyone mistreat you. Don't let them act like their presence is somehow doing you a favor. We're spending time together. And what I don't have time for is games.

I've seen too many people (women unfortunately as that would be what I would be encountering) use these dating sites for free meals, nights out. Never even interested in the guy at all.

The flip side is I'm sure that a lot of women get passed over for superficial reasons also.

Sent from my Nexus 6P using BariatricPal mobile app

[Guest]

5 minutes ago, HB76356 said:

This started a whole thing, which never involved an actual apology for not only being late, but not calling. Eventually she slipped up and said what was REALLY bothering her. I wasn't paying for the meal. LOL.

Don't let anyone mistreat you. Don't let them act like their presence is somehow doing you a favor. We're spending time together. And what I don't have time for is games.

Prime example of being direct and honest as I mentioned in my response. Well played sir. Would like to have been a fly on the wall to see her reaction with that one.

[HB76356 122]

Prime example of being direct and honest as I mentioned in my response. Well played sir. Would like to have been a fly on the wall to see her reaction with that one.

I wouldn't say it went well, but what can you do, lol. The waitress was really sweet though and I think her look of disdain helped my case, lololol.

I see people settling for ridiculous treatment just to not be alone (men and women). Is being by yourself so bad? I don't need other people to entertain me.

I would say being comfortable in your own skin is probably attractive. If you can be happy with yourself, I think it shows.

Sent from my Nexus 6P using BariatricPal mobile app

[Guest]

Just now, HB76356 said:

I wouldn't say it went well, but what can you do, lol. The waitress was really sweet though and I think her look of disdain helped my case, lololol.

I see people settling for ridiculous treatment just to not be alone (men and women). Is being by yourself so bad? I don't need other people to entertain me.

I would say being comfortable in your own skin is probably attractive. If you can be happy with yourself, I think it shows.

Sent from my Nexus 6P using BariatricPal mobile app

I concur completely. In fact, and I have been thinking about something closely related to your thought of being comfortable in your own skin. While there is gobs of information on the physical impact of WLS there is very little support on the psychological and emotional impact of WLS for singles in particular.

I have seen the little articles in the magazine forum and they are all well and good but I think there needs to be more addressed to the mental and emotional impact WLS patients experience becoming a new person. For the large person who is single there is a negative self image usually accompanied with loss of hope and despair. Emerging from WLS after so many years trapped in the shell of a large person, there is a psychological impact to the mind as they witness over the months, a new person materializing before their eyes.

Along with this "rebirth" comes the eventual added attention, the stares, the flirty smiles, and these behaviors can be so foreign to the WLS patient that they are not sure how to feel since they may have residual mental conditioning of being fat. Basically thinking like a fat person in a skinny body. It becomes difficult to be comfortable in your own skin when your mind may still think in "Fat-ese" while your body is speaking "skinny-slang".

Being able to reconcile the old mind with the new body I believe should be worked on before a WLS patient even considers dating. The added benefit to this will also be the increase of self confidence which now makes that person even more attractive than before.