When friends say...

[djay210 18]

The day I was scheduled for my VSG a good friend of mine called me. When she called I was waiting to be taken into the OR. Her words to me were, " I 'm praying for you and I hope this surgery helps you feel better about yourself". I was hurt that she would say that to me. I don't know where she got the idea that I didn't feel good about myself.

Yes, I was down and depressed because of my weight and the health problems, but I never really felt bad about myself.

Another has started calling me "skinny mini" I don't like it but I don't know how to get her to stop.

Anyway I'm just venting and feeling some kind of way today.

Have a great week and we can do this!

[maggie409 765]

I don't think your friend intended any disrespect with her comment about you feeling better about yourself. If she did, then she isn't much of a friend. I think that most people just don't know how to respond. Skinny people don't understand how we got this way in the first place and heavy friends are a little jealous that we are taking control. It is wonderful that you have taken control.

[sparkles1971 47]

I think it is hard for people on the outside to understand why one gets this surgery. I have only told my husband, daughter, sister and mom. My in laws and friends will never know. I'm not embarrassed, but don't want to deal with the questions and assumptions. "Why don't you just work out more and eat better?" Bla bla bla. Truth is this is YOUR journey, and you don't need to explain things to anyone. If someone is offending you just tell that person that it bothers you. Doesn't have to be a big deal, just make it clear that your weight doesn't define you.

[jhclikesshopping@gmail.com 285]

Here is how I think about it (cause it keeps happening to me too). They really do not know how to respond to our surgery. They are probably trying to be nice or appropriate - but lets be honest, they are not. I usually am giving my friends the benefit of the doubt. Here is what happened to me last week. I hope it give you perspective.

I had my first business trip to NYC. I have not seen the folks in NY since January (surgery was March). I am down 60 + pounds. So Eric says, can we take a walk. And I am thinking - he wants to talk about work. He says (and I quote) "What the f*** happened to you?" I am totally taken back. Then he clarifies and says "you look amazing". So after the initial shock of his first comment comes down, I think he is really giving me a compliment in his way. Now - he did not know about the surgery so he was trying to compliment me. In the end I took it that way and we had a good talk - but some people do not know how to talk about weight.

Think about why you are doing this - and if you want advise your friends, if not. Say thanks and come talk to us!!!

[heynowkc 329]

The day I was scheduled for my VSG a good friend of mine called me. When she called I was waiting to be taken into the OR. Her words to me were, " I 'm praying for you and I hope this surgery helps you feel better about yourself". I was hurt that she would say that to me. I don't know where she got the idea that I didn't feel good about myself.

Yes, I was down and depressed because of my weight and the health problems, but I never really felt bad about myself.

Another has started calling me "skinny mini" I don't like it but I don't know how to get her to stop.

Anyway I'm just venting and feeling some kind of way today.

Have a great week and we can do this!

Yeah I also get annoyed when people say my "attitude" has changed and I seem much happier now. I... don't feel any happier. (And what exactly was wrong with my attitude BEFORE, thank you very much?) I was already happy! I think they're just looking at me differently... so it's more about them than it is about me. Maybe before they were sympathizing with what pain they imagined I must be in, and so they projected this imaginary unhappiness onto me? But it's definitely all in their heads.

Also so annoyed at people calling me skinny. Specifically one of the Water aerobics instructors at the gym. I've been going to her classes since my highest weight, and she is so supportive and nice, but every time she calls me "skinny" when I am standing there dripping wet in my bathing suit I just want to shove a sock in her mouth! I'm not skinny. Not by a long shot! Though I appreciate her enthusiasm and kindness, calling me skinny just makes me self-conscious of how very "un"skinny I actually am.

Edited May 26, 2015 by heynowkc

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Humans have a bad habit of projecting like crazy on each other 24/7. We imagine how WE would feel in your situation, and we assume you must feel exactly like we'd feel.

Yeah ... no.

It's a good social skill to learn how to give compliments in ways that invite others' opinions about their own situations. For example, here's how not to do it:

"Your husband / wife probably can't keep his hands off you now!" says SO much more about the person who made that comment and their relationship (or their lack of a relationship) than it does about you!

"You must be so much happier now that you're not overweight," comes with a built-in invitation for you to b***h slap them.

"I bet you don't even remember what it was like to be heavy / fat / overweight!" Seriously? How do you know what I remember?

"I bet you wish you'd lost this weight years ago, huh?" Actually, I did lose this weight years ago. About five times, as I recall. And if you're giving out free wishes, I'd wish I'd never had this weight problem to begin with.

Bottom line: Don't tell people how they feel, what they think, or what they want. Instead, compliment people in general terms that describe your (not their) feelings or thoughts, and then invite them to tell you how they feel:

"Wow, you look wonderful! How are you feeling?"

"I'm so impressed by your new look! How are you doing?"

"You look amazing! What's going on with you?"

Even when we luck out and describe how the other person is actually feeling, doing so can rob them of the chance to express their own feelings in ways that are more authentic for them.

Or they may simply say, "Thank you." Not everyone is comfortable talking about themselves or changes in their appearance.

[NoBsVs 70]

My uncle calls me "skinny girl". It annoys the crap out of me. I just got the surgery 2 weeks ago. I'm definitely nowhere near skinny. I'm not even out of the obese range. I know he means well, but every time I hear it, I just cringe.

[kahuna25 1]

@@NoBsVs

Hey! I am close to your starting height and weight. I have had friends say I don't need to lose that much so why go thru all the cost and pain to not ever be able to eat a full meal again. I am starting to wonder if they are right. How did you decide to have the surgery since you were not too overweight to start with? How has it been for you so far?

[NoBsVs 70]

@@kahuna25 I thought about how my life has been and how it would continue to be if I stayed overweight. I avoid social situations. I don't date. There are places I just don't want to go(like the mall), because I know that it will be hard to find clothes that fit. Everything I wear now is big and baggy and not flattering, and I know that won't change until I lose weight because I feel like I want to hide my body's imperfections. I NEVER take full body pictures. And the pictures that family take of me make me cringe.

I had never had surgery before getting sleeved. Complications and the possibility of death have scared me away from getting the surgery for several years. Then one day I woke up and said, I would rather die than keep going on the way that life is now. Is taking a chance with the surgery worth dying for in an attempt to better my life? The answer was yes. If I died from the surgery, I didn't care. Even when they wheeled me back into the surgery suite, all I could think was, "Well, if this is it, then I died trying to better myself."

Apologies if that all sounds depressing, but that has been my thought process and story through this whole thing. I did not value myself, and I'm hoping the surgery changes that.

As for how things have been so far, it has pretty much been easy street for me. The only complication I've had so far is my own paranoid mind that drove me to go to the ER yesterday because I thought I had a blood clot in one of my legs. I'm a relatively healthy person, and my surgeon told me that he didn't expect me to have any complications. When I went to the ER yesterday, the doctor told me the same thing, that I need to stop worrying about complications because I'm in really good health and it's obvious that I responded to the surgery well.

My only regret at this point is that I didn't do it sooner. I kept trying to convince myself that I could lose the weight on my own, and all I was losing was time. Time that I could have spent happy instead of holing myself up inside of my house because I didn't want the world to see me. You can't get that time back, and if you failed at dieting before, you're probably going to fail again.

My advice to you is to just do it. It's about a week and a half of discomfort, and then you practically forget that you had the surgery done. The weight comes off so quickly, and I already feel a lot better about myself. It's one of the best decisions I ever made.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

@@NoBsVs pretty much said it the way I would have said it myself.

I was so done with not living. In some ways, I felt "dead" before WLS.

I sure don't feel that way anymore!

[maggie409 765]

I was at a softball game last night and I got a message on Facebook and the lady started out "I'm not trying to butt into your business but......". I hate conversations that start like that.

I just really don't want to have to explain myself. I am 51 years old and I have my reasons and they are my reasons.

On the flip side... A friend of one of my daughters heard I was having it done and her comment was "oh wow that is amazing! I will definitely keep you in my thoughts and prayers and if you need anything please let me know." No "what" or "why"... Just support.