Secret's Out

[SlimJill 291]

Weight loss surgery was a decision I made for me, by me, about me. I was met with opposition from my entire family so when I made my final decision to get it, select a surgeon, and everything became more finite I also decided I didn't want to tell everyone.

My logic was... if I wouldn't pick up the phone and call you randomly to catch up then why the hell should you know about my personal health business!?!

That plan was thrown out the window when my family (mom, dad, and sister) started telling everyone they knew EVEN after I made it very clear I wanted to wait before telling people. Now people at my mom's work, my sisters friends, and ALL my extended family know. The only people who don't know are MY friends! How screwed up is that? I know I will get over it but I can't help to get heated that they had total disrespect for my wishes...

I think maybe it's because I'm the baby of the family but dammit I want respect around here! Especially for something that I am very sensitive about.

How do you guys deal with blabbermouth family? Overbearing? Opinionated?

[Recycled 2,182]

You already knew how they are.......Solution - was to not tell them.

[SlimJill 291]

Kind of hard to have someone drive you to the hospital, live with you, and not tell them you're having surgery...

[katesuccess 990]

Hey @Jillian Boose, I'm sorry that happened to you - it's lousy! SO here's my feedback and experience, since you asked --

I also haven't told many people - (two of three sisters, my mom only just before the surgery, and husband and daughters + two good friends), and for me it was the right choice. And as your post indicated, it should have been YOUR choice.

That said, it's your opportunity to do some course-correcting for the future. Think about what you know of them and how they've acting, with obvious recent behavior included. Tell them you found it disrespectful and that in the future you'll make different choices about how much you can trust them or share with them.

Yes, there was no avoiding telling family you live with about this one, but anything else that arises - I'd just tell them I was having a procedure or appointment and was choosing to keep it entirely confidential (from them!). If they're not up for the drive to the hospital or supportive help under those condition, tell them you're happy to call a trusted friend instead.

I'm also the youngest in a family and found I sometimes used to let myself get pushed into a role of letting them make determinations for me or manipulate me to keep me in a role they were comfortable with. Once, after a very upsetting event (like yours), I withdrew emotionally until they agreed to my terms as an adult. (I'll cop to be the youngest, but not the "baby!"). Happily, after a couple years of retraining myself and them, and occasional reinforcing of my expectations of how I am to be treated, it's vastly better. It won't happen overnight though.

From here on out remember that you choose what to share with them about how you feel, what you weigh, what your doc/therapist/nutritionist says, and whom you tell. Good luck!

Edited May 18, 2015 by katesuccess

[Bufflehead 6,358]

Honestly I think it's hard to ask other people to keep your secrets. When I told people in my family about my surgery, I told them I wasn't asking them to keep anything secret but could they please not discuss it on Facebook, and they respected that, thank goodness! I know I would have been angry and hurt if I were in your shoes, but at least now you know for sure not to trust them with anything you want kept confidential.

[ShrinkingPeach 1,291]

So sorry to hear that your family disrespected your privacy. I can understand why you had to share but from this point forward you don't have to. Its your journey and you can choose now who to include. I didn't tell any of my family or friends yet, only my co-workers and they are being amazing. Its a shame people can't show more respect and less gossip.

One thing I know is that people treat you how you allow them to. Good luck on your amazing journey and to ALL the lessons you will learn along the way.

[Dualstarr 104]

I'm also keeping my surgery a secret. I have only told my mother who I had no other choice to tell because she recently moved in with me. I haven't even told my daughter because I don't want her to tell my ex husband. I told my mom if she opens up her mouth I and tells anyone i tell everyone about a little secrect she's been hiding.... I'm pretty sure she will keep her mouth shut. I'm pretty confident my secret is safe ???? sometimes you have to play dirty.

Edited May 25, 2015 by Dualstarr