The end of a relationship

[Bonawanabfree 280]

I have been with a man for a while and we were engaged to be married. Everything was going well but he has major insecurities and constantly thought I was being deceitful and always accused me of cheating. As of Thursday last week I we have been done. It is finished. he was so wonderful in so many ways but there was that one thing that ruined all the good stuff. I have never cheated on anyone and i am not deceitful in the least. I give everyone the respect that I would want to have given to me. i am loyal and true and I have never done anything to deserve this. I am sorry i am here talking about my bull but i thought it would be nice to hear from others that have been through this. It seems as though right when i needed him the most is when he would be c9ome very insecure and accusitory. i dont want to be with him anymore. I know this is for the best but it still does hurt. I put so much of myslef into this relationship and I just have to learn from it and move forward. Onward and upward. i have goals and big plans for my life and there is a piece of me that is just upset because i feel as though it was all in vain. I think I had just gotten to a point that i was over it anyway and that is why it seems easier. He was so supportive of so many things in my life and so wonderful and it scares the hell out of me that I wont find that with anyone else. I know i am just going in circles but I had to send my feelings about this into the universe and release them. thanks for taking the time to heart me out. Its not that i think he is a bad person, I just feel he is confused and scared to death of what love can do to him. Every relationship is a risk but we cant hold on to the past and be scared of our own shadows. We cant find love unless we try to love with trust and faith.

[drmeow 323]

You are very wise to realize this about him and break it off before marrying. I am going through a divorce after 25 yrs of marriage, and though our problems are quite different, I'm in a group with other women who have shared similar relationship problems as you describe. And if he's like this now, it will be even worse after marriage.

Though it may seem like it now, I think no relationship is ever in vain or wasted, b/c you (hopefully) learn something about yourself and others with each one. You have learned that this is abnormal behavior and that you are strong enough and smart enough to choose better. And at some point you will likely find someone who is supportive in ALL the ways you need him to be.

I think writing about it here and/or in a journal is a very good first step in freeing yourself. Realize and accept that you also need to grieve the loss, b/c it wasn't all bad. Take your time getting back into dating and work on taking care of yourself!

[JustWatchMe 7,117]

Good for you. I'm divorcing an emotionally, mentally and financially abusive narcissist after 23 years of marriage and two kids. It isn't easy, but going to sleep each night NOT exhausted by crazy talk and wondering what shoe will drop next is worth the pain of divorce. My kids can breathe, I can breathe, and the dog doesn't vomit three times a week anymore.

Stay connected here. It helps me a lot.

[Babbs 14,681]

I'm so sorry. That's tough. But I'm glad you see that you are ultimately better off without him. Work on you, and when you are ready, the right one will come along. I don't know how old you are, but you seem very mature with a good head on your shoulders. Time will heal your broken heart. Concentrate on you.

[Bonawanabfree 280]

@@Babbs

@@JustWatchMe

@@drmeow

I want to thank each of you women for telling me exactly what I need to hear. It is tough but it will get easier. i have never been married and I have been invovled with controlling men before in my life and i want nothing to do with it. His issues are not my issues and i will not allow someone to drain the greatness of who i am to appease his own ego. i dont ever want to be with another man that needs to know my every move, It is very oppressive and abusive. he actually has admitted to me that he knows he has issues and that he knows that what he is doing to me is abusive and so i gave him a choice, Either leave me to find happiness or get the help you need to learn how to cope. I gave him many chances and sometimes it seemed as though it was going to work but a leopard cant change his spots. We are who we are. Now i am actually excited about my future with me. I never felt lonely because i love my solitude. No dating for me for a long time. i want to just know me.

PS...Babbs-Im 32...

Edited May 13, 2015 by Bonawanabfree

[VDB 800]

A man's point of view. I have no respect for men who treat their partners like that. I l always have to think that anyone who constantly accuses their partner of cheating is really pointing the finger at themselves. It is an incredibly courageous thing to do, moving on -- just be vigilant, men like that can be very apologetic and silver tongued devils, once they realize what they have done to themselves... those behaviors don't ever really change. Great work on your program as well -- good job!

[Bonawanabfree 280]

@

Thanks so much for your words of wisdom. Thank you everyone. It is nice to have people in my corner supporting my decision.

[sweetie716 270]

I feel like you are so brave for making that call. Relationships/marriage is hard enough without adding in major insecurity right off the bat. You'll find the person you were meant to be with.

[sharonintx 1,275]

If I had made the same choice as you when I was 32 it would have saved me a whole lot of trouble. Good for you and best wishes.

[ProudGrammy 8,322]

excited about future with me. I want to just know me.

@@Bonawanabfree

all of the above posts are great

BUT................

you said it best with your quote "from above"

good luck

kathy

[Miss Mac 6,262]

In 2005, I walked away from a ten year second marriage because his mental health issues were becoming worse and he refused to take medication to ease and control his symptoms. I made a strong effort to pray and stay, but when he began to mistake me for a punching bag, I had to go. I escaped to a womens shelter in the middle of the night and never looked back.

After leaving that relationship, I was confused for a while. With my first marriage of 23 years I had to leave because he became a serial cheater. My first marriage was when I was 19. I had been Daddy's good girl for 19 years, Green Meanie's good wife for 23 years , and mean ol' rotten A**hole's domestic slave for ten years. After I freed myself, I had no idea what food I liked to eat, what clothes I liked to wear, or even what music I liked. All my life was spent doing what the men in my life wanted me to do and be.

It took a while to figure out who I was, when no one was there to influence my decisions. Leaving was not as tough as I thought it would be. I have enjoyed being a strong and independant woman. I even went back to college at the age of 54 and completed my bacheor's degree in Business Management.

In 2006 I met a lovely genetlamen whom I am still with. He is kind a sweet and even nursed me through some serious surgeries and a stroke. He treats me like the queen of his universe. If I had been too timid or a afraid to leave those two other idiots, my life would still be a living hell.

What I am trying to say is that leaving a bad relationship where you are neither loved nor respected is not a bad thing. A one-sided relationship does not nurture our spiritual essence that lives inside our human containers. Men and women both deserve to have loving companshionship. I say that if your closest relationship is a hot mess, then do what the original poster and I have done. Walk away and don't look back.

[Miss Mac 6,262]

Sorry for the typos. As usual, I can spell, but I cannot type.

[OKCPirate 5,323]

You made the right call. I was married to a person with similar symptoms - a classic Borderline Personality Disorder sufferer. It was ok when I was more narcissistic, but when I went to counseling to learn how to help her after she went to her first trip to the mental hospital, I started to over come the narcissism and not enjoying the Borderline craziness anymore.

So I believe when you realize the significant other has issues and if they won't recognize it, or change you have a duty to yourself to get out. My marriage literally nearly killed me based on my blood work during that time.

Note - I'm not accusing anyone, but know this - Narcissists and Borderlines attract each other. Both disorders are really hard to overcome. They drive everyone else nuts and they are oblivious to the damage they do. Somethings you can't fix. Getting a divorce sucked, but it was literally self defense.

[Nate74 45]

sometimes i feel if i was a little more controlling and not so trusting my wife of 14 years wouldn't have had multiple affairs. i fully trusted her and i was repayed with being lied to and she fully admits had i not found some information on my own she wouldn't have told me but is upset on how i found out. Even with all of this i was willing to work things out but i'm starting to realize it is one sided which tells me it will happen again. i'm not perfect but i was totally supportive as we did it together. Even when people said how can you be ok with her going out with friends i didn't want to be that controlling person and i trusted her and this is what happened i ask what do you say to that?

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I think a cheater will cheat and being a controlling ass doesn't help. Controlling asses just destroy good relationships. Some people are cheats plain and simple.

Having said all that I know two married women who cheat and I am quite sure it is because they are deeply unhappy in their marriages. They feel unloved and ignored by their spouses. In one case, she has felt so "controlled " by her spouse that an affair was her path to liberation. She left him and he has never discovered the affair.

So my take on it is that if you wanna fix it you have to get to the heart of the reason. Some people will always cheat while others are (inappropriately ) crying for something that is profoundly missing.

Did you know that most marriages are ended by the woman? I don't think we are that complicated but speaking for myself, unable to live in a soul crushing lonely relationship.

Ok, I don't know about those personality types. Not really understanding how they are drawn to each other.