The end of a relationship

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

After nearly 70 years of living, here's the best advice I've ever seen about choosing mates:

"Don't fall in love with anyone who has more problems than you have."

[OKCPirate 5,323]

Post divorce, I took a year off all dating and just worked on my issues and made sure all the sticky residue of my 21 year marriage was gone (16 were happy, the last 5 were hell). Part of the work I did was to really think about what would I like in my future partner. That is something many of us don't do. We don't give ourselves permission to really think about what would make the right person for us and too often we get caught up in the wrong people because that's what we are used to.

Best book I found to help me get some understanding on this and what a really good relationship should look like was: http://www.amazon.com/Mapping-Terrain-Heart-Tenderness-Capacity/dp/1568217900 Mapping the Terrain of the Heart. I highly recommend it before you start looking for the next relationship.

@@VSGAnn2014 - that is great advise

Edited August 4, 2015 by OKCPirate

[Dub 9,922]

Post divorce, I took a year off all dating and just worked on my issues and made sure all the sticky residue of my 21 year marriage was gone (16 were happy, the last 5 were hell). Part of the work I did was to really think about what would I like in my future partner. That is something many of us don't do. We don't give ourselves permission to really think about what would make the right person for us and too often we get caught up in the wrong people because that's what we are used to.

Best book I found to help me get some understanding on this and what a really good relationship should look like was: http://www.amazon.com/Mapping-Terrain-Heart-Tenderness-Capacity/dp/1568217900 Mapping the Terrain of the Heart. I highly recommend it before you start looking for the next relationship.

@@VSGAnn2014 - that is great advise

Awesome advice.

I see it all the time with friends that get divorced and remarried. They don't fix what was wrong with themselves and just jump right into another relationship only to be doomed by the same issues popping up.

What's really scary is that the OP was only just beginning with her weight loss and here husband was acting out. She never had the chance to even get started on her path before things crumbled. Hopefully she was able to find a way to get a strong start and get moving towards her goals.

[CowgirlJane 14,260]

I love this.

My own personal motto... at least try to make DIFFERENT mistakes next time - ha!

After nearly 70 years of living, here's the best advice I've ever seen about choosing mates:

"Don't fall in love with anyone who has more problems than you have."

[CowgirlJane 14,260]

Well, I have done this is well only I won't claim that it only took a year..ha. I have cautiously entered two true relationships since being single last few years only to find that what was under the surface, wasn't what it seemed.

Relationship #1 the guy was just negative. I didn't realize until then that I don't like how I feel being with a judgmental person. I am glad I had that experience because it has become one of my litmus tests. Many months after that relationship ended, I was on a date with a guy who seemed fun until we went to a concert in the park when he couldn't resist commenting on other people. "she looks like a barely functional alcoholic" "can't believe she thinks she looks good in that" "people shouldnt bring children to loud music, that is what babysitters are for" sort of remarks about random people that i didn't even notice. I was just having fun, enjoying the music and crowd! It really hit me that I don't want to spend time with someone who looks at a crowd or situation... and just instinctually judges the details. It makes me feel bad. It was liberating to clarify this point in my mind.

My real cautionary tale from someone I started seeing late this winter. Super fella, unusual character (like me!) - not everyone's cup of tea but his big negatives on the dating marketplace (avid fisher, hunter, into taxidermy which in my part of the country is seen as horrible) was no problem for me as I am a country girl at heart. I really enjoyed being with him and we did so many fun, diverse activities together... i also shared many values with him. I loved what a hard worker, ambitious and yet family oriented person he is. My friends thought he was da bomb too, he easily folded into my extended crew of pals. However, our relationship did not become intimate, which was my first sign of trouble...haha

Here was what was under the hood - under all that eagerness to find a woman like me was a deep seated fear of relationships. Not just a romantic one, but i came to understand that there was baggage way way beyond carry on size that was well masked, at first anyway. When we ended it, he felt terrible, he felt like he had lied (well he had - but mostly to himself). I viewed it as dodging a bullet actually even though i was disappointed that a person who seemed so compatible might as well have been married or something for his lack of emotional availability.

My point is this - by middle age alot of people know what they want and can say it. Some of them (wondering if I fall in this category actually) have gotten so dang picky there chances of having a real relationship diminishes since NOBODY meets the criteria. I am becoming okay with the idea of flying solo for the rest of my life - if it comes to that, so be it.

then you have people who think they understand themselves and what they want and so carefully cultivate that image, but in truth have deep pain, history, baggage whatever you wanna call it and simply cannot go deeper then a superficial relationship. The key here is to escape early before you get sucked into it.

And then, there are the clueless, who have no idea who they are, what they seek in life, who is compatible with them etc . I realize that not everyone is a self reflective as I am, but I do think there needs to be a minimum amount of assessing what the next phase of life holds.

Then of course there are people who know what they want. Mr negative guy (that I had an actual relationship #1 with) had a very clear idea of what he was seeking and the primary reason we ended it is we didn't fall in love and he wanted someone to marry and spend the rest of his life with. Just hope she doesn't mind be subtly criticised every day...because i sure did!

Post divorce, I took a year off all dating and just worked on my issues and made sure all the sticky residue of my 21 year marriage was gone (16 were happy, the last 5 were hell). Part of the work I did was to really think about what would I like in my future partner. That is something many of us don't do. We don't give ourselves permission to really think about what would make the right person for us and too often we get caught up in the wrong people because that's what we are used to.

Best book I found to help me get some understanding on this and what a really good relationship should look like was: http://www.amazon.com/Mapping-Terrain-Heart-Tenderness-Capacity/dp/1568217900 Mapping the Terrain of the Heart. I highly recommend it before you start looking for the next relationship.

@@VSGAnn2014 - that is great advise

[Oregondaisy 2,021]

Relationships are hard. I think some people get in the honeymoon stage at the beginning of the relationship and when things get more comfortable, things change. Then the work starts. There are a lot of people who don't want to do the work. They would just move on and start over and the cycle continues.

My relationship recently ended as well. I realized that this man has many personalities depending on whom he's with. He can be very charming and witty . He is unable to keep up the act around the person that sees him the most, his partner.

[Bonawanabfree 280]

I have to say thank you to everyone that has posted regarding this issue. Relationships are so difficult at times. I realize that the relationship I have with myself is more imortant. I am now working a 2 jobs, saving for a house and just bought a new car. I am determined to make things happen on my own with the help of no one. This is more about my personal empowerment in knowing that being alone with myself and loving the person I am is more important to me than any relationship i can have with someone else. I have to like who I am am first and then I can begin introducing new people into my life. I am in charge of how people treat me. if i allow someone to abuse me I can only expect to be abused time and time again, So i am not a victim I am a victor.

[Jessica Ellison-Correa 66]

i remember a while back i was engaged to a guy and at first he was amazing he was in school and was motivated to get a degree and was going to do mma then life hit him in the nuts and he shut down like he wouldnt leave the house for days on end and eventually his fathers health issues took him and then it was like he became a shell of him self after a year of dealing with shell fiance i couldn't take it i had to get out. so we broke up then and old friend of mine called me up and invited me to a party now 4 years later were married and going on an amazing journey together and im the happiest i have ever been. so yes breaking an engagement is the best thing i ever did because now i have my life on track to be the healthiest i have ever been in my life