Worried

[gowalking 10,790]

I'm not so much looking for advice because there's nothing I can do about this but I am really starting to worry about my sister. She is morbidly obese and I know that she has co-morbidities such as diabetes and hypertension. I can also see that she has trouble climbing steps and just moving normally due to her size.

I also know that her joints are starting to bother her and while she is still much more mobile than I was at her size, she is heading down a very bad path and all she has to do to know that is to look at my scars from my bilateral hip replacement.

My brother drove me home last night after we spent the day at my sister's apartment. My brother is a runner and in fantastic shape for a man of his age. I look and feel better than I have in 20 years. While driving me home, he told me of his concern for our sister's health. That scared me because he really does think her heart will give out if she does not start to take care of herself.

I've been asked by both my dad and my doctor to speak to my sister about her weight and see if I can convince her to do what I did. I've already said that I would never do that and I won't. I know that if the situation was reversed, I'd hate it if my sister came to me even as a loving sister only concerned with my health and tried to talk to me about my weight.

No one can make or even influence this decision for someone else. I know my sister will have to go through something bad in order to face having to make such a huge lifestyle change. I also know that she may die early because she doesn't want to do anything at this time. I love my sister and she is my best friend. I am starting to allow myself to think about her not being around for our retirement. It makes me so sad and afraid and yet I am unable to change anything.

Anyway, I just wanted to vent. Again, there is nothing any of you can offer in terms of advice but I did want to share. I know others have or are going through this with their own loved ones.

[AussieSam 234]

I can relate to this as I have the same issue with my sister I hope one day it just clicks that they need to change but we are helpless in this situation.

[Babbs 14,681]

That is such a hard situation to be in. I'm assuming your sister knows you had the surgery?

If so, you are an obvious testament to how the surgery can literally change her life and turn things around for the better. I don't know if there is much else you and your brother can do besides continue to be a living, breathing example of a way she can prolong and change her life when and if she decides she's ready.

[VDB 800]

All I can say is that she knows she is in an unhealthy state. She will feel shame from any intervention. Over the years, so many family and friends would say concerned things, the outcome was always more shame and more accelerated unhealthy behaviors.

What helped me the most was not intervention but rather, SUPPORT! My wife would say, "I am going to the pool, want to come?" She would make only healthy food, and never nag me about eating other food. She was my example, and when I finally got the courage to get the bypass, she was my cheerleader, but never suggested it to me.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I am sorry.

While I was still losing weight post sleeve, my sweet sister in law died of a massive heart attack at age 64. Last summer, my niece died in her sleep of heart failure, she was only 40. They were both very very obese - in the 150-200# overweight range. These are sobering experienced and remind myself to not whine too much about my "maintenance struggles" compared to the path I was on....

I agree that your sis needs to find he own path. She knows you had surgery - she knows who to reach out to when when she is ready....

[JustWatchMe 7,117]

Oh I know exactly what you're saying. My mom is in the same boat, and loses more mobility each day. She has rheumatoid arthritis and is morbidly obese. She has started to even use a cane inside the house to get from her chair to the bathroom. There's no discussion allowed. She gets furious and lashes out if I even ask what her regular doctor has recently said. (Like what's the plan for her feet that turn purple from time to time?)

My mom won't let anyone, even me, help her out of a chair when we go to church or to a restaurant. She snaps at me to leave her be and struggles to get up. More than once she has fallen on the way to the car or on her driveway, and once I had to enlist two passersby to help me get her back up on her feet on the sidewalk. I cannot lift her. Now she uses a walker all the time.

I'm the only person who can take care of her when it comes time for total care. This is already hard, and I can't imagine how it's going to be then.

She would never, ever have WLS. She won't even have her second knee replaced, which is why she can't walk.

All we can hope is that our loved ones have a change of heart and decide to reach for a better life.

[lisacaron 5,075]

Sigh...sometimes all we can do is love them and accept them for who they are. I have learned that you can not make anyone do anything or change anything that they are not ready to, even if it's killing them.

All you can do is show your love and support and be there if they ever come to you.

[Sharpie 3,306]

my stepdaughter is morbidly obese. she is only 45, my husband asked me to talk to her about having surgery like I did. I refused because I know how mad I would be if someone had done that to me when I was obese. She is having mobility issues and teaches kindergarten I know she is getting more and more problems with her knees, which were bad genetically before she became obese. Her husband is a full on health nut, he runs in Spartan races and never eats bad, I'm not sure how that is working In their marriage but I am afraid she has given up. She had lost about 80 lbs 2 years ago by using MyFitnessPal and walking but she put it all back on and then some this year I feel so sorry for her and I would love to make her understand how beneficial surgery would be for her. As much as I love her and am afraid of her future health, I just cannot bring myself to say anything to her. She knows how I am doing and when she is here we just stay away from the subject of diets or exercise.

[Miss Mac 6,262]

I am sorry to hear about how your sister is struggling. I agree with the others that a gentle and supportive approach is best. My "something bad" that motivated me to finally get sleeved was a stroke.

[Dischord 24]

When I was still very heavy, a woman I considered my sister invited me to attend a support group meeting with her. I reacted very negatively and lashed out at her because I felt like she was trying to force her method off on me, and I was 'happy' with how fat I was.

But as painful as that was, I started researching into the method of how she managed her weight loss, and what the surgery was all about. That was what prompted me to get moving in a direction where I did and could lose all of the weight.

While I didn't appreciate the intervention, that first conversation between us started a landslide of activity that led me to where I am now (six days post-op from the vsg), and while a little queasy, very happy with the choice I made. I hope that your sister sees your success and eventually decides to get motivated from that, to look into it on her own. I know that it's a decision she has to come to on her own, but I hope for your sake and hers that it comes sooner rather than later, before the worst happens.

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

Hearing any criticism, especially from family can be devastating. Thinking back on my own experience, all I can suggest is: to be kind, be loving, be genuine, be open, and listen.

Look for openings to share your own experience (doubts, fears, struggles, successes) without making it about "fixing your loved-one".

For me, getting to the place where I was eager to get the surgery took years and lots of small interactions with various people. The most positive were when me and my difficulties weren't the focus of the conversation. It was about them and their success.

[Julie norton 2,850]

Sorry Liz,

That is a tough position to be in. Like the others, I would NOT have reacted well had my brother wanted to " talk"

about my former size.

Sigh. Guess it is true we can truly only be our own guide.... I think it may be that we know how WE feel pre and post op.

No advice... But glad we are here to listen....

More than one member has mentioned you could write an article as you are eloquent ????

[Goatfarmer 29]

No one could have dragged me until I was ready. Several friends & family members need to address their issues too but I will not tell another person what they ought to do. I will just keep losing weight, getting healthier and more attractive. I am grateful to have found this help for myself. Each person must walk their own path.

[jane13 2,256]

@@Dischord sorry to hear your are a bit queasy. did you get something for it? I had surgery the following day and I was wondering how u were doing.

[Dischord 24]

@@jane13 My doctor gave me Ondansetron (Zofran) for right after surgery, and I'm now out of that almost a week off, but I'm finding that, of all the combinations, 1 1/2 cups of beef broth with half a cup of skim milk, and a bit of powdered ginger really helps with the nausea, and it helps me get in a bit of extra Protein. That said, I'm doing really great, only been up about five hours, and I'm already around half of my Fluid ounces. I'm finding Protein still really hard to choke down, but it's easier every day.