All or Nothing Thinking

[IcanMakeit 1,318]

This is my first post in the Veterans' Forum. My surgiversary isn't until next week, but I have something on my mind and would like feedback.

I have been below goal since December. It's time to learn how to do maintenance and "moderation." I have to admit that I am afraid that if I change my habits even a little, that I will spiral out of control and end up morbidly obese again a year from now.

I know that this "all or nothing" mentality is part of the reason my weight got so out of control. I would use my failure to resist treats as an excuse to forget about my diet, and just keep on eating whatever I wanted.

Now that I am thin enough to be healthy, I don't want to live like a monk. I want to enjoy occasional pleasures, including party food and wine. Tonight I found myself feeling deprived because other people were enjoying wine with their dinner.

So far, I have been too conservative to enjoy both wine and fattening foods on the same occasion. Since surgery, I have indulged in only one small glass of champagne on New Year's Day. I have so far opted for birthday cake (or whatever the normally forbidden dessert is) rather than wine on special occasions, since I shouldn't have both.

But does it need to be like this forever? We're celebrating my husband's 65th birthday as well as Mother's Day tomorrow. I think my plan to forego the champagne so that I can have a small piece of birthday cake might be more of my all or nothing attitude. Before I lost weight, I had planned to allow myself to Celebrate special occasions with my family with good food and wine in small amounts. That still seems like a good goal. But my abstemious practices during weight loss served me so well that I'm afraid to let myself have a glass of wine and treat food on the same day,.

How do others navigate celebrations in maintenance?

[Queen of Crop 1,104]

Good morning Icanmakeit.. OK, first of all, I was never a model post-sleeve person and didn't follow the rules well at all, but then I started traveling 3 weeks after my surgery. Having said that, I am now 3.5 years post op and have maintained goal since 1 year out (so for 2.5 years). I am living my life like a normal weight person. I never think of what I can have and what I cannot have; I eat small meals, try to get as much Protein in as I can (without tracking it), but I usually have a glass of wine 5 X a week, and something sweet 5X a week. (Mondays and Thursdays are no wine, no cookie days for me). But I also weigh myself every morning faithfully and if a lb or 2 creeps us, then I cut back for a day or two; just like a normal person does. I work out regularly and I try not to snack; sometimes I am better than others. I have my blood work done every year to be sure I am not lacking in something. So, yes, maintenance is something you need to be aware of, but you also need to live your life without so many rules. Just my opinion, and this works for me. But everyone needs to find what works for them.

Good luck and welcome to the Veteran's club!

[ProudGrammy 8,322]

How do others navigate celebrations in maintenance?

@@IcanMakeit

i might pick up something light, put on napkin, walk around with it

or walk around with a cold glass of ice Water w/lemon

make silly little nothing conversation

that will keep my mouth active minus the calories

that way i don't feel "all eyes" are on me walking around without any food

i HATE champagne, and most other liquor (even wine)

so i don't have that temptation

unfortunately i have a sweet tooth

i do usually follow the all or nothing with sweets

no skin off my nose

if i ate all the sweets i wanted

it would be excess fat on my hips

i can deal with usually leaving certain foods alone

i CAN'T deal with gaining weight!!!!

i don't want to live like a monk avoiding foods

i want to live normal with my eating

but i know myself

if i start eating one of this, then the next day 2 of that, and the next day............

can't go there

know my limitations - that's half my battle

i plan to continue winning my war

gathering today for mom's day

food all over

2 weeks later - big family get together

i will "put" my nose up to many foods

have a wonderful time

minus many different yummy foods

i don't feel deprived, i feel happy about /with myself

i would usually rather abstain, then "teasing" myself with a teeny taste of something

that's how i deal with parties/food

it works for me

always room for one more in the vets group

especially someone as cute, special and successful as you

at our next vet "meeting" i will bring the baby bel cheese

you can supply the Quest bars

stay strong

you will do great with maintenance

i feel it in my gut!

(or is that indigestion? )

132 lbs down, down, and dirty

wonderful

keep up the good job for the rest of your healthier, happier, longer life

may happiness ring

kathy

congrats

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Hmmm ... a good topic.

I honestly think that how "monklike" we need to be during maintenance depends on our individual needs.

All over WLS boards I see many people posting messages that translate into: "Your challenges must be exactly like mine, so your solutions must also be exactly like mine!" Yeah, no ... I doubt that.

So in your shoes, @@IcanMakeit -- wanting control, but wanting to eat across a broader spectrum of normalcy -- I'd probably plan out (write down) what "eating more normally" would look like for me. I might also write down what "eating out of control" would look like -- and probably some other menus and behaviors in between.

Personally, I don't think that one drink (e.g., 3-4 ounces of wine) and a 2" x 2" piece of birthday cake one night a year, or even monthly, or even weekly would be out of control for me. But you have to figure out how much control YOU need to exercise to avoid the risks you're concerned about.

Control and spontaneity -- it's an interesting tension. There's the potential of joy in each behavior. And there's the potential of danger in each, too.

FYI, I reached goal a few weeks ago, so these issues are foremost in my mind, too.

P.S. @@Queen of Crop ... you're one of my long-time heroines here and on your blog. Thanks for weighing in on this topic.

[AvaFern 3,516]

Like you, I'm at goal, and I tend to find myself being a little obsessive about what I can and can't eat. Outside of drinking my butt off in college, I'm not much of a drinker, so I don't really have a hard time not having alcohol. I could, however, happily eat an entire bakery in one day. I only each chocolate around Christmas, or I will end up eating it way too often otherwise and I generally don't eat sweet stuff on a regular basis. I don't see a problem though with having something sweet and a glass of wine on special occasions. I had cake pops the first few days after my last plastics procedure, I have a few bites of cake when it is ordered at dinner events (a few times a year) and sometimes when I feel like it, I get myself a blueberry muffin from Starbucks. If anything my sleeve has helped limit my all or nothing mindset because I know that in theory I can eat whatever I want but I can only have a little bit of it so I'm no longer in danger of eating the entire pan of brownies. One piece and I am quite content.

I think you should enjoy a piece of cake and a glass of adult beverage today. Life is about living and the few extra calories won't hurt you. Maybe add an extra workout into your day today as a way to offset the calories and to assuage any guilt you might feel.

[IcanMakeit 1,318]

Thanks for all of the thoughtful responses. My iPad ate my original response this morning, but now I'm glad to have AvaFern's perspective as well. From what you all have said, I see that I'll just have to give myself a chance to succeed. If I stay in diet mode forever, I won't be learning to live life like a thin person. I'll just be on another diet, and sooner or later, I'll get diet fatigue and give up dieting. I intend to keep the promise that I made to myself, to never go back to morbid obesity. Since dieting was not a winning strategy in the past, I need to get beyond diet mode and step up to eating like a responsible adult. And whether I can emulate Queen of Crop or must remain like proudgrammy, will only be discovered if I give myself a chance.

[ProudGrammy 8,322]

@@IcanMakeit

edit, edit

didn't mean to imply i always act like a monk

for now, it is still easier for me to abstain from certain foods

not always

i'm not perfect

well actually.............

we all have to handle maintenance in our own way

you go your way, and i'll go mine

whatever works for you is the way to go

you have lost 132 lbs

stay strong!!!

maintenance can/is harder than the initial weight loss

but i know you can do this

i have confidence in you

keep up the good work

kathy

congrats

[Kindle 8,667]

I could have written @@Queen of Crop post, with the exception of the time frame and weighing everyday. I'm only 17 months out and have been below goal for 9 of them. I don't even own a scale and only weigh about 2-3 times a month, unless I know I had a "bad" weekend or post-holiday then I'll weigh when I get back to work on Monday to see if I need to cut back a little during that week.

But other than that, I just eat like a "normal" person. No planning, counting or measuring. I do choose Protein over other things in most cases, but I certainly don't restrict myself from enjoying anything in moderation....including alcohol, chips, dessert, pastries, Pasta and rice (mmmm -sushi!). Easiest "diet" I've ever been on!

[Queen of Crop 1,104]

We all know our own selves better than any one else, but I think the goal of living like a normal weight person, meaning being responsible about what we put in our mouths, is a good goal. Just remember, if you go up 1, 2, 3 or even 4 lbs, you need to take action then!!!! 5 Day Pouch Test, 5:2 plan, pre-op diet....what ever works, to get those off before it becomes 5-10 or 15 lbs. This surgery gave us all the chance to be successful and we will NOT go back there!!!!

[jjinWA 511]

Good morning Icanmakeit.. OK, first of all, I was never a model post-sleeve person and didn't follow the rules well at all, but then I started traveling 3 weeks after my surgery. Having said that, I am now 3.5 years post op and have maintained goal since 1 year out (so for 2.5 years). I am living my life like a normal weight person. I never think of what I can have and what I cannot have; I eat small meals, try to get as much Protein in as I can (without tracking it), but I usually have a glass of wine 5 X a week, and something sweet 5X a week. (Mondays and Thursdays are no wine, no cookie days for me). But I also weigh myself every morning faithfully and if a lb or 2 creeps us, then I cut back for a day or two; just like a normal person does. I work out regularly and I try not to snack; sometimes I am better than others. I have my blood work done every year to be sure I am not lacking in something. So, yes, maintenance is something you need to be aware of, but you also need to live your life without so many rules. Just my opinion, and this works for me. But everyone needs to find what works for them.

Good luck and welcome to the Veteran's club!

I weigh myself every day as well! I don't want to be fanatic about it, but honestly weighing every day keeps me vigilant to weight gain before it becomes seriously out of control. I fluctuate by 3 lbs. any more then that and I get back on the wagon. My problem is that I just can't seem to lose any more weight and I am not yet at goal. It's like now that I have gotten to a weight that I am comfortable with I have lost my willpower to continue with my weight loss plan. Grrrrrr. This is typical for me, no matter what diet plan I have tried. I self sabotage myself!!! I will be at my 1 year surgiversary June 17th. I still have 15 lbs to go to meet my 1 year goal.????

Edited May 11, 2015 by jjinWA

[feedyoureye 3,087]

Its not for everyone, but when I weigh every day and log my food every day, I am much more successful. When I don't do that, I WILL weigh more when I eventually do. When i have a eating challange coming up, holiday, birthday, vacation... I try and write down ahead of time what will be on the menu.... at least for some of the days. I would include wine and cake! Eat Protein first, and then just enjoy. Eat slowly. Water up a half hour before food.