female only Mirror, Mirror...

[CanyonBaby 1,852]

I have been having this terrible problem, and was wondering if anyone else can relate, and HOPEFULLY have some good advice for it. For the first 50lbs of loss, I could really see physically changes in my body. The face was back to "normal", fitting in large and medium sizes, taking up less room on seats....

My problem is this: I've lost about 6 more lbs since then, and my "mental" image appears to be as "stuck" as my weight stall. Now I look in the mirror and all I see is that woman who was 56lbs heavier, no change in the face or other parts of the body! The weight is still gone, I can still fit in those smaller sizes, but the IMAGE of the old me has come back to haunt me! I can't seem to SEE the changes in the mirror anymore! I just look like the same old person, still at my original, pre-surgery weight. And it's NOT pretty! I don't know why I can't get past that image.

My husband tells me I look great, people have really commented on how much I have changed (I have never held back on telling people about my surgery) for the better. My problem is ME. Anyone else have this "haunting" occurring? And if so, how are you addressing it? How do you convince your MIND that the changes are real, and aren't going to go away, because right now, I can't seem to believe I won't be going backwards to that same old image for good. I know it's a psychological issue, but after being heavy for so long, it seems I cannot get that heavy picture out of my mind. No matter if I put on my new clothes, or step on the scale, the image doesn't change. How long did it take you to get past this, if this has affected you?

[MistyAnnMoon829 387]

So my issue is not quite the same as yours. When I look in a mirror I become a bit transfixed with myself, because unless I am looking in the mirror I see and feel that same body I had 91 #s and 9 months ago. It's crazy. I kind of hope it never changes. Because I think that will keep me grounded and grateful and on track.

If you are worried about this, then I suggest you see a therapist that specializes in body dysmorphia or even just post WLS patients. A lot of Surgs recommend that we see therapists anyway because this is such a drastic change we are making to our bodies and our lives and it really helps to talk about it with someone.

I would assume that it will take awhile for our brains to catch up an see ourselves as we really are. When I was bigger I saw myself as smaller and now that I am smaller I see myself as bigger. It's weird.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I found that posting photos of myself in my office was helpful. I still have a before and after in front of my face... but even as I was losing I did that so I could "see" what others see. Mirrors are weird, I didn't see myself as fat as I really was and as I lost I didn't really see that either.

I had a big problem with face dismorphia. People would tell me I was pretty, but i felt like I looked hideous.

[lisacaron 5,075]

You know how they say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. I think that is true when we look in the mirror at ourselves as well.

When I look in the mirror I can see both sides of this issue. I see myself as fat, I see myself as having lost weight. When I was young and super thin, I would look and see something else and vs versa. When I was fatter I saw myself as fatter and I saw myself as beautiful still.

When I see myself now 80 pounds lighter I still see a heavy set woman, and when I am having a "down" day I put myself down. When I am having a "good" day I think wow you look great in that color it brings out your eyes and wow this fits when it's been in my closet for years and I never thought I'd wear it again.

Other times I put something on and think dam woman you look like a slob in this, I can see every roll and wrinkle on your face. (Can it really bring out the wrinkles on my face...?) It's just me and my moods can affect how I feel and look at myself no matter if it's a photo or a mirror.

I am my own worst critic, and my biggest fan. So when I have bad days I try to find another surface to find something positive to tell myself. I might just look at my nails and think they look great, or put on a fancy piece of jewelry and admire the shine.

Then there are those who cares what I look like...I'm comfortable with me and that's all that matters

For me it wasn't WLS that made me think this way, it's always been me. I do the same for being at a stall, and I'll see the pattern to my life..and when your in a "pattern" your doing things predictably and repeatedly and you could be showing bad form, so maybe it's time to shake it up and break out of that pattern. Could be thinking could be a color I wear too often (like black) could be the same lip shade or the same ring..the same foods I'm eating..and then I'll wake up and say OK time for a change and I shake it up.

I always feel better when it's "fresh" and I forget how easy it is to make each day a NEW day. Each moment is another breath of fresh air and I have the power to make it good or bad.

[AvaFern 3,516]

I can also appreciate how you feel. Like CowgirlJane I took pictures throughout the process so I could see the difference that I don't see in the mirror. Actually just this month I took another set of pictures since I did it at every 10 pounds and I felt much better when I looked at the comparison as opposed to just the current picture. In the current picture and in the mirror I see a girl with thick legs, kind of a duck shape, and nothing special, but then I compare her to the girl 110 pounds ago and I think, woohoo, look at that difference. Suddenly my shoulders look strong, my collarbones look sexy, my feet look like feet instead of balloons, and I am reminded that even though I still see ugly and fat when I look in the mirror, cameras don't lie. I try to hold onto that.

[Bandora 136]

I find that looking and before and after pics also helps me. I have to see my changes in front of my eyes sometimes. I think I will always have the ' fat girl' outlook. I am not ever going to be tiny but when I see pics of myself next to friends/family I can see how far I have come. When I look in the mirror I focus on the loose skin under my chin and my flabby arms. I start to pick myself apart, so I just don't do it much.

[sweetie716 270]

I also have a weird thing with the mirror. I didn't see myself as big as I was 125 pounds ago. Perhaps it was some form of denial/avoidance. Pictures were my reality check. Now, I have days when I feel so fat (like today) and have a tough time seeing the changes. Other days, I think I look good (or better) and things are fine. Like others have said, I can focus on flaws, but I try not to. At the end of the day, no matter what I really look like, I am proud of the accomplishment of losing the weight I have so far, and even the extra arm skin and tummy skin is kind of like a badge of honor for having fought the fight. I'm thankful for the days I can be happy with what I see.

[Sharon1964 2,530]

Short version: Your brain sees what it expects to see, not necessarily what is there. The longer version:

"The mirror lies. As people tend to see everything in life as they expect it to be, they see, especially, in the mirror, what they expect to see. Elderly people looking in the mirror do not recognize that they have grown older, until, suddenly, they find themselves in front of a different mirror and their face is lit up more brightly, or just differently.... Similarly, I have known individuals who started off in treatment weighing over 400 pounds and saw in the mirror a fat person—but, perhaps, not that fat. After losing one hundred pounds, or more, they look in the mirror and see someone who is just as fat!"

More here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/fighting-fear/201212/mirrors-lie-the-fallibility-perception-and-memory

[CanyonBaby 1,852]

Two things have come to mind since I posted this today. First, I think I have been sooooo used to being heavy, and it has been such a quick ride to where I am now, I just can't seem to get adjusted to the new me. It may take some serious time. I have been heavy for a long time now, about 35 years. So I shouldn't be surprised that it may take me some time to get used to being thinner. Yes, I should give myself a break.

Second, after reading all of your thoughtful and considerate responses, I do, indeed, have a very good chance at dealing with all of this WITH you, instead of on the sidelines. And I thank each and every one of you for you responses. It is not an easy thing we deal with, first the physical battle, then the mental battle. AND WHO SAID THIS WAS THE EASY WAY OUT?!

Finally, I was told by a "friend" years ago, that my "style" was so predictable. She could pick out something I would buy (before I would even look at it) when we went shopping as a "Jen" top (or pant or whatever...). Not a flattering thing to realize about yourself. So after I finished posting this, this morning, I went and looked in my closet. SURE ENOUGH! The "new" things I had purchased are EXACT replicas (different patterns, perhaps) of the things I wore when I was heavier. So maybe I need to change up my style a bit, get OUT of the old habits and into the new, the new Jen. Maybe then I can see a different picture, and the bloody mirror can go "crack-up"!!!

A sincere "Thank You" to all who responded, and who may yet respond, I am eternally grateful. All my best to all of you...

[gowalking 10,790]

I had to start seeing a therapist because I didn't recognize the person I saw in the mirror. This was a combination of body dis-morphia and loss of control...two hot button issues for me.

I'm getting better at recognizing myself but it's still a process. I've also segued into issues surrounding the root causes of my obesity and how I can work on staying the size I am now. I fear self sabotage and I know that it's easy to eat around the band if that is your goal.

Not to worry @CanyonBaby....you are absolutely not alone in the things you feel and think when you look in the mirror.

[CanyonBaby 1,852]

@@gowalking

Thank you. It is so uplifting to have such support.

Now, what styles should a 53 year old woman wear that DOESN'T hang to her knees, drape below her abdomen, hang limply like a wet rag?! I am CLUELESS! NEED SOME HELP HERE!!!!! Thanks....

[James Marusek 5,244]

When I was overweight, I never viewed myself as overweight when I looked at myself in a mirror. Generally I never saw myself in a photograph because normally I was the one taking the photograph. So looking at myself in the mirror to see my weight loss would not work.

I intentionally took a unflatering photograph of myself before surgery and then an almost identical photograph around 6 months after surgery. When I put them side by side, this is what I saw.

http://www.breadandbutterscience.com/Operation.jpg

[CanyonBaby 1,852]

@@James Marusek

That is AWESOME!!!!! You should be very proud of your accomplishments, and for what it's worth, I am, too! Thanks for sharing!

[gowalking 10,790]

@@gowalking

Thank you. It is so uplifting to have such support.

Now, what styles should a 53 year old woman wear that DOESN'T hang to her knees, drape below her abdomen, hang limply like a wet rag?! I am CLUELESS! NEED SOME HELP HERE!!!!! Thanks....

It took me a while to figure out what was flattering yet age appropriate. I remember very well, a young woman who I asked in the dressing room, what she thought of a dress I had on. She wanted to know why I was so covered up with such a small pretty shape. Again...we do not often see what others see. Bring someone you trust with you to shop. Or spend a little more and go to a store with real salespeople like Lord & Taylor or Nordstrom who can help you pick out clothes.

[CanyonBaby 1,852]

@@gowalking

Yes, I think it's time for some professional stylists! Good idea! I've tried staying "basic", thinking it would "do", but it just ISN'T! I need to remember hat it's not just the outside that is changing, but the inside, as well. So ALL need a good

re-vamping!

Doing my stress-test on the 6th, that should show a lot, and some good advice from those folks should help me, as well. I see my nurse for my fifth month follow-up on the 4th, and I'm sure she'll "slap" me around a little, too! All for the good, I think I may need a little "slappin'"!

Have a great day, all!