Dead confidence.

[Ixi7311 2]

Hi,

I'm new here and only a week post-op. Doing fine on liquid, sticking to the diet and definitely looking forward to pureed foods. Lost only 12lbs so far but okay with the slow weight loss as long as it keeps coming and am looking forward to getting a dog I can actually walk with without getting winded!

That being said, despite being an uber-shy person for most of my life, over the last six years, even while growing in size and width and clothes sizes, my confidence blossomed, due to new found independence, relationships, etc. And while I still hate being 'fat', I refused to let anyone's opinion stop me from loving my body. I felt comfortable in relationships because they felt like they not based in shallowness but in real connections.

But there's a problem. Ever since I decided to get the surgery(about 6months ago when I first got an appt with my surgeon), my self confidence that I was proud of....died to some degree. I'm happily single now and did mention the surgery on my online dating profile(that is disabled at the moment until I feel comfortable to some degree), but now there's an everpresent nagging feeling in my gut that most of the people out there that will start responding to me, both online and off, wouldn't have ever taken a second out of their lives to do so had I remained at my starting weight. For my entire life, I've had people give me **** for not fitting into the 'skinny' world around us, and I'm terrified of attracting those who, had I remained heavy, would have been the ones making snide remarks about my thighs or size, etc.

Gosh, it sounds stupid to complain about attracting more people but I feel like I should be nipping this in the bud before I get super paranoid about this.

[The Candidate 3,215]

I am pre op, but can totally relate. In fact it's been on my mind a lot. I find myself more so than ever, taking mental notes of the negative way people are treating me, especially in the months before surgery.

Having been overweight most of my life, I think I have become accustomed to being treated like a second class citizen. Although I'm still astounded at times, especially if I'm accompanied by someone of normal weight, how there are some people you encounter who have no qualms about blatantly ignoring you. To the point of not even making eye contact with you. It's why I joke sometimes that my secret super power is invisibility. But deep down it still hurts.

That being said I am finding myself having conversations in my head, after the fact, acknowledging the person's slight, and saying mentally: "I will remember this and you, and I hope I encounter you again after I lose my weight." For me, I think it's partly because I want to know for sure if this person's treatment of me will change in any way after reaching goal. Was it simply because I was fat and then I can, if not dismiss the behavior, at least understand it, as a personality bias against all fat people. Or was it because this person just didn't like me personally, which would be fine. I've just because obsessed at having to know the difference, one way or another.

It's probably not healthy, my need to know, but I will never understand how people can treat other people so dismissively, just on on the basis of looks. I too would never want to become involved with someone who judges so superficially. I see it in the same way that I could never date anyone who hunts, because of my love for animals. It's a deal breaker, plain and simple. Another puzzler for me is how someone could conceivably fall out of love, solely based on looks. These are just my opinions anyway.

[AvaFern 3,516]

First off, good for you for getting the sleeve and doing so well with it! Also, I'm glad you were able to find great confidence at whatever size you are. That being said, when you are thin a different group of people will pay attention to you and just because a man isn't attracted to a fat woman, doesn't make him a bad person. I have been both thin and fat and I am very sad to think about how people treat me when I'm thin as opposed to when I'm fat, but perceptions are how the world works. I will be honest, I have no interest in overweight men, so I don't feel like I get to judge a man because he wouldn't have liked me when I was fat. As much as we tell ourselves that size shouldn't matter and we should want to be with the opposite sex because they are a good person on the inside, realistically if you aren't attracted to someone, it doesn't necessarily make you shallow, just fully aware of what does and does not do it for you.

I don't like skinny men either and short guys, eh, I'm a little on the fence. I have a type of man that I am sexually attracted to. I like men who are 5'9 to 6'3, muscular (think like the 300 movie and less like underwear model type of body type) who can easily pick me up and toss me around a little (in a fun way!). I'm never going to want to do a guy who is 140 pounds with a 6 pack, or a guy who is 300 pounds with a beer belly- that just isn't my type of man. I can 100% say that there are fantastic men who fit that physical description and I am likely missing out on a great person, and I am ok with that. As such, I understand that a man may not like me now because I'm too short, or I'm too small, or my butt is a little big or my boobs are fake or my hair is thin or I'm not tan, or I have scars from plastic surgery or any number of other little physical features, and as far as I'm concerned that is his right.

When I was fat I hid behind the idea that if a man didn't like me for who I was, well then that was his loss, when in reality, if a man doesn't like you because you're overweight or for whatever other physical reason, that is still his loss, but it doesn't make him a bad person because of it and if he happens to like you skinny when he never would have wanted you fat, that's how physical attraction works. Embrace it and realize that underneath, he still might be a really great guy that you would be missing out on if you stay hung up on the idea that in the past you might not have been his type.

[Ixi7311 2]

Definitely don't hold it against people that are not attracted to larger sizes, as everyone does have preferences, but it is the people who are totally dismissive to them as respectable people that give me pause.

Like The_Candidate said, it's like being treated like a second hand citizen when you're fat and the thought that people will treat me more human just because I've lost weight almost makes me physically sick when I think about it. I know it's the way of the world but it makes me feel so undeserving of it that it carries a bit of self-hate with it.

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

I truly believe that in large part one of the reasons I built such a wall of fat around me was to insulate myself from unwelcome attention. One benefit to being fat for me is that it had helped me to finely tune my BS meter.

I am hopeful that with my surgery and resulting weight loss I will keep both my BS meter and my compassion. Also, that with my age and life experience I have gained some skills in relationship-building and maintenance that will help me navigate my new life.

In some respects it is a voyage into the unknown. I'd like to approach it less in fear and more as a grand adventure.

[alindsey 230]

That's a fact of life people are negative towards heavier people!! They stereotype always have always will!!! Being with someone and wondering if they would want you if you were still big..... The answer well it is what it is and people are mean!!! I guess the key is finding a decent human being out there!! There a few good ones left! Gotta kiss a lot of frogs they say lol

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Maybe just relax ... And don't worry about it?

Right now at only one week post-op, you've got a lot on your plate, no pun intended . In the coming year you're going to experience about a gazillion changes. Your size and your looks and your feelings are going to change so many times. Never mind how others are going to respond to you.

Welcome to The Year That Will Change Your Life in So Many Ways! It is quite a ride.