Truly, I'm not looking for sympathy, just need advice.

[beachgirl 2]

I'm sure most of you know me as I've been banded almost a year and was on here a long time before there. I've had no problems with my band and weightloss has been great at first, slowed down now for the last forty but still steady so I can't complain.

I'm met soooo many wonderful freinds on here that I wouldn't take nothing for. I truly love them. I'm have some major problems at home and I got a good scolding a few months ago when I posted looking for help and didn't get back on for a long time the poster said I was just looking for sympathy, truly I'm not. I'm been married for 25 years last week and that's a lot of time invested to just give it up. My husband especially the first 10 years was fabulous. We both had wonderful jobs, made lots of money, had nice homes and two fabulous kids. They're grown now and we have one granddaughter who is 2 and a grandson on the way in 2 months. Our daughter is 22 and our son is almost 21 and getting married on 07/07/07 in Gatlinburg.

I don't know where to start. He had an affair about 15 years ago and I didn't find out until her husband called and told me and he admitted to it. He said it only lasted 3 days while I was out of town but they chritesned every room in our new home. I forgave him and things got good again. Well, he started acting really funny the last two years. He hit 40. Bought 2 new street bikes, 4 different 4 wheelers, new pickup truck, new tractor, bought 10 acres of land and has started us a bigger house. Sounds good but things just weren't right. He snoors really bad so he started sleeping in the guest bedroom about 2 months ago and I have the kingsize bed to my self. I think that was just asking for problems. Well, we went to Florida 2 weeks ago for 2 weeks and made love about everynight and it was great but he was drinking around the clock and he's never drank much. So then we get home. Things go back to normal. He sleeps in his bed, he's constantly cussing and degrading me.

I've always worked up until the grandbaby got here and always made around 50k's per year my entire life and he made about the same or a little more. Now he's taken up the slack to keep are income the same so I can stay home. I've noticed he gets mad when I spend HIS money now. Then it happend. I found out he was speaking to a girl that works in the next office across the street. They were calling each other on the cellphones more than 10 times per day, everyday. He had hid it from me. She called one time and he answered and I was sitting beside me and he said it was our store calling but it dropped the call. I seem him squirming so I picked it up and I said wow, that's not the stores number so I called it. It was Lee Ann, 20 years his junior and he knew he was busted and said, I swear we are just great friends. We need to talk every day, we're very close. He swore there had been no sex so I called her and I threatned her very life and she started crying and said I'm sorry it went so far, we didn't mean for it too. Please don't tell my husband, I was 2 small kids and if he finds out I've done this again, he'll talke the kids. I didn't want another woman to go through what I was going through so I promised her if she left him the hell alone I would not tell her husband.

Now, sorry so long, he's constatnly mad at me for stopping it. He told me yesterday that if I didn't like things the way they were to get the f--- out of his house. He said your a fing bitch and just pack your stuff or I will.

I don't know what to do. I don't work now, have NO money of my own. I mean we own a shit load of stuff I could selll but I mean, we're talking 25 years. I've never even been on a date with anyone other than him. I'm 42, I would die single. Who would want someone my age. I'm so scared. I had to go to the er last night I thought I was dying. I took 4 of my activan's and restorril and pain pills because I couldn't stop crying and throwing up. My life is over and I just don't know where to turn.

I know without knowing the whole story it is hard to give advice but what do I do to survive for the time being. I'm at my wits end. I've always when problems arose tried to make things better for the kids, now they're gone and I'm trying to for the grandkids. I'm the only one in my whole family who's never been divored other than my parents and grandparent. Both brothers have. His entire family have been divorced and remarried. His father at 45 diveored his wife of 25 years to the week and married a 25 year old.

Just tired of crying. My eyes are swollen shut, can't eat, can't sleep. I know some will get mad at me for pouring our my heart but some of you I trust your judgement and just need your help, thoughts and prayers.

I love you all, and am thankful for you,

Sorry to burden you with this,

I just didn't know where else to turn.

Thanks in advance.

[Moody Coverhous 0]

I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Your husband can NOT make you leave your residence just because you are not working and he is angry with you. The only time the police make someone leave their residence is when emotions are running high and they are afraid violence may occur if one party does not leave - or if violence has occurred and someone is arrested. You need to get to an attorney - pronto. Because you don't work, you might qualify for Legal Aid - it is certainly worth looking into. You are understandably upset but you need to take steps for your protection - physically and financially. If you think he may become violent, please contact a battered woman's shelter and discuss safety planning. Again, I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.

[christellini 0]

We don't know each other but I just had to tell you that NO ONE should have to go through this. By what you said about having no money and who would want someone your age it sounds like your self esteem has been affected. Let me just say 42 is NOT old and if you had a career where you made 50k a year it must mean that you are educated and/or have some employment skills. People do not die from being single. You can get a job. Your assests will have to be split, and it sounds like there are plenty. Do you have someone you can talk to, a friend, a Pastor, someone who can help you get through it? Again, I don't know you or your whole situation but I felt you needed some support and some tell it like it is. Good luck.

[musicalmomma 1]

Hi beachgirl :hug:

First, no you would not die of being single or alone. You have your kids and grandbaby...trust me, it would be rough at first, but you'd get through it, should you not be able to work things out. Many of us have made it before and many will after, you're stronger than you give yourself credit for. I was a stay at home mom of two little girls when I had to suddenly make it on my own. I thought I would die too, but Surprise! Here I am, 13 years later...alive and well Happy too! Yes, I'm re-married (9+ years) but I got my life together and was quite self sufficient before remarrying :huggie:

Would your husband consider going to counseling? From the sound of it, he probably wouldn't. It's VERY common for a man to hit a mid-life crisis at his age...especially when they get married and have children so young. They start to panic and think their life is half over and they haven't 'really lived'....so they chat up young girls, buy big boy toy's, and act like teenager's all over again. Sound like anyone you know? If he won't go to counseling and keeps pushing you out...I'd say...go out...leave....my bet is he'll be beggin you back in NO TIME! Who knows, by that time comes, you may have found your strength and may just tell him to make it on his own! Best of luck to you

[faithmd 14]

I am so sorry for what you are going through.

I second the assertion that another poster made, 42 is NOT old. You are vibrant, getting healthy, and you have your kids and your grandbaby. It DOES sound like he's acting out from possibly getting married and having kids so young, men can't seem to handle that all that well (and your kids sound like they are getting married and having kids young, too-how we change as we age is something for them to think about as well), we women are much more resilient.

You WILL be okay, you really will. If you've been married for 25 years and have accumulated a lot in that time (no matter who has paid for it), I want you to remember this very important word, repeat it over and over and over and over again:

HALF

That's right, you take HALF. You raised your children, are helping with the grandbaby, and ran a househld, all while working as well. Just vecause you're not working right now, doesn't mean you aren't entitled to what's yours. How dare he treat you like that. And you were good enough to forgive him once, yet he does it again? It's a pattern, sometimes I believe we can stop poor behaviors with therapy, but pattern behaviors are much different.

I do wish you all the luck in the world, take care of YOU.

Remember:

HALF

[beachgirl 2]

Thank you all for your kind words and your words of wisdom. Yes your right. I worked since the day I was 18 and then 3 years ago I had the 3rd degree burns from throwing gasoline on a brush fire (it was marked diesel) and then neck and back surgery and then foot surgery and then last year the band. So, I've always worked. I know when the kids where little I would catch myself saying I'll stay till they're grown to help them and now I catch myself saying stay for the grandkids and I guess I need to worry about myself for a change. He was a wonderful provider and at times a wonderful husband. When he hit 40, things went crazy. He bought a 15000.00 streetbike last month and new vehicles and keeps his Tommy Hilfiger cologne in his truck, just little things. I get scared that I will end up poor and alone because of my age. I'm no model but I'm not as ugly as a dirt road either, lol. I lost about 70 pounds and am really trying to take care of myself.

Well thank you all again. I was scared to post this as I posted last year about this same problem we were having and got my butt jumped, I was accused of wanting sympathy and I don't at all want that. It's my bed and I will have to sleep on it I just needed some opinions, friends, and guidance.

I will keep you informed,

Thaks again for your help,

Your banded friend,

Sherri Jo

[musicalmomma 1]

Sherri Jo...you are gorgeous!!! Thanks for posting the picture...it's always nice to put a face to a name.

And as far as being jumped on and accused of "looking for sympathy"...well, heck!!! You deserve a little sympathy in my opinion! It's a terrible situation you're in and when people lash out at someone who is already hurting terribly, they have issues that go too deep for any message board to help! Shame on them!

[jackie506 1]

Sherri-

My heart goes out to you!! My sister just went through this same thing about 1 year ago. She had been married for 7 years, 3 small children and had no idea her hubby was on his way out. He was wonderful for the first few years but then when he turned 29 it got really bad. He complained about what he had in life and didn't have, weight gain and losing his hair (mind you he was only 29....good grief!!!) Anyway, he went to work one Friday and didn't come home after work, somewhat had become the norm. He would go out with guys and they would set up and drink all night but he would usually come home by 3-4 am. This night in particular he didn't come home until 9:30 the next morning. Had every excuse in the world. My sister loving him ever so faithfully, let it go. She didn't believe him but she let it drop for the day. That night we had a family function for a wedding reception with dance. They got there about 6 and he told her they had to go at 7:45. Said he was tired and wanted to go home. Went home, dropped her off. She asked where are you going and he said where ever I want. I will be back. He came home the next morning at 10AM (mother's day last year) and said I am moving out I have found someone else. Walked out and didn't give her a cent. 10 months later he had a baby with 'the other women'. The divorce wasn't even final yet.

The family pitched in and helped her but I tell ya we were all soooo worried about her.

Now she is 57 lbs lighter, is socialiing with friends again and has a life. She hasn't been like she is now since before she got with him. She is doing so much better and just the other day we were talking about the whole thing. He has bothered her a few times since leaving with one day he wants her back and the next she is worthless. She fell for this a long time. Then we talked her into counseling. It has done her womnders and given her life back. She had stayed home for so many years and done everything for him and now she is living for her daughters and herself. He still gets angry because she doesn't take anything from him now. She has her own life and if he doesn't like something......TOO BAD!!

I know what you are going through right now. I too was married before. He cheated on me in the very beginning and even after 10 years of marriage it still hadn't gone away. I honestly don't think that is something people can get past.

Good luck to you. You are NOT asking for sympathy. Just compassion. We all need that. Exspecially at times like these. It may seem like you can't do it without him but believe me you can. I am now remarried but I am also a very INDEPENDENT women now. My new hubby and I have the problem that he feels that I don't 'need' him. I do....but I can also take care of myself.

Good luck and I hope things work out for you. Come here and talk anytime. We will listen!

[SPOILED ROTTEN 0]

I agree w/ the person that said get half. You did work.... you took care of him and the house. That is a job. He owes you some severence pay (sp x). Get a great lawyer. Be strong and you can get thru this. I also advise that you learn from this as well. My mamma always told me if they cheat on you once they will do it again. You deserve better and you need to look in the mirror and tell yourself that as well over and over again. I have been cheated on it feels horrible. I took him back as well. Guess what he did it again. I should have listened to my mamma. Good luck to you and have your family support you.

[Kat817 19]

Yes you are entitled to half of the assets. But before even mentioning this to him, find an attorney!!!!! You do not have to leave the home, even after having him served with papers. Having him served will keep hom from withdrawing money or stocks, or selling anything, without your approval. It will also keep him from removing you from insurance policies, or joint accounts, without your knowledge, without being in contempt of the courts. When he gets served all hell will break loose----expect it, but get it legal BEFORE even discussing it with him. His temper sounds way too volatile to have a reasonable discussion over this. If you cannot get to an attorney THIS WEEK....then start a file, showing bank balances, credit card balances....begin looking carefully over those bills. Keep record of what you have at this time, and make detailed notes of WHY the paperwork is being documented. It will protect you. It is all admissable. Anything you need an EXACT date on, print up, then mail to yourself, leave it unopened once you receive it, even if you have it mailed to your parents or a friends. The post mark will show WHEN it was documented, but only if it is in an unopened condition. If he calls you names, or threatens to pack you up out of the house again, document the time he said it, exactly what he said etc.....it is verbal assault. There may come a time you need the history to prove it.

When you tell your children, they will likely have serious problems with it, but they are adults, heading through the same life we are, and they will adjust. Just keep in mind that surely you do not want your DD to think that she is expected to stay with her DH regardless of how she is treated, you want her to be strong, and never take this crap----! She may hate you leaving her Dad, but when it comes down to it, in the end they will respect the decision.

I was divorced many years ago, but had a DD go through one more recently----and the big thing they pounded into her was DOCUMENTATION!!!!!!!!!!! Anything and everything that can be beneficial to you----get ready to prove it! Find the cell phone bills, copy them! Look out for yourself!

If you ever need to vent come here, if you need to talk, let us know we will listen, heck, I'll send you my #.

Keep in mind he may be able to keep track of what you are doing on the computer-----cover your butt! Keep your head about you, let some of the emotion come out in getting yourself organized----it will not hurt, even if everything in the end works out.

((((HUGS))))) to you-----been there, and it sucks, but NEVER as bad as living the life you are now. I realized it was much lonlier in the room with him than in the room alone. When alone I didn't expect anyone to speak to me, or relate....with him there, I did, and we just didn't connect anymore...... I feel your pain----and we WILL be here!!!!

Kat

[Kat817 19]

Yes you are entitled to half of the assets. But before even mentioning this to him, find an attorney!!!!! You do not have to leave the home, even after having him served with papers. Having him served will keep hom from withdrawing money or stocks, or selling anything, without your approval. It will also keep him from removing you from insurance policies, or joint accounts, without your knowledge, without being in contempt of the courts. When he gets served all hell will break loose----expect it, but get it legal BEFORE even discussing it with him. His temper sounds way too volatile to have a reasonable discussion over this. If you cannot get to an attorney THIS WEEK....then start a file, showing bank balances, credit card balances....begin looking carefully over those bills. Keep record of what you have at this time, and make detailed notes of WHY the paperwork is being documented. It will protect you. It is all admissable. Anything you need an EXACT date on, print up, then mail to yourself, leave it unopened once you receive it, even if you have it mailed to your parents or a friends. The post mark will show WHEN it was documented, but only if it is in an unopened condition. If he calls you names, or threatens to pack you up out of the house again, document the time he said it, exactly what he said etc.....it is verbal assault. There may come a time you need the history to prove it.

When you tell your children, they will likely have serious problems with it, but they are adults, heading through the same life we are, and they will adjust. Just keep in mind that surely you do not want your DD to think that she is expected to stay with her DH regardless of how she is treated, you want her to be strong, and never take this crap----! She may hate you leaving her Dad, but when it comes down to it, in the end they will respect the decision.

I was divorced many years ago, but had a DD go through one more recently----and the big thing they pounded into her was DOCUMENTATION!!!!!!!!!!! Anything and everything that can be beneficial to you----get ready to prove it! Find the cell phone bills, copy them! Look out for yourself!

If you ever need to vent come here, if you need to talk, let us know we will listen, heck, I'll send you my #.

Keep in mind he may be able to keep track of what you are doing on the computer-----cover your butt! Keep your head about you, let some of the emotion come out in getting yourself organized----it will not hurt, even if everything in the end works out.

((((HUGS))))) to you-----been there, and it sucks, but NEVER as bad as living the life you are now. I realized it was much lonlier in the room with him than in the room alone. When alone I didn't expect anyone to speak to me, or relate....with him there, I did, and we just didn't connect anymore...... I feel your pain----and we WILL be here!!!!

Kat

[lizrbit 0]

HALF!!!!!!

HALF!!!!!

HALF!!!!!

Im in complete agreement with the above statements. LEAVE. NOW. BE VERY ACTIVE, file for DIVORCE and take HALF OF HIS SH&T. You worked for it, youve earned it, and starting over can be exhilarating as well as challenging. DONT BE AFRAID. theres a LOT of single 42 year old men and women out there. I almost envy your opportunity to start this new chapter of your life.

PLEASE dont forget to really really rub it in later when you are doing SO well, with a VERY active social life, and he'll just be cheating on his next mistake.

[green 6]

You look like a beautiful person from this photo. No one, be she beautiful (which you are) or plain, should be made to feel that they must put up with ill treatment by someone else. It is true that we women have a tendency to hate ourselves, no matter how intelligent, how successful, or how beautiful we are. It seems to take us a long time to grow out of this and many of us never do. Of course this means that we place ourselves in the position where we are easily victimised. Green sez that you should kick the prick to the curb and get on with your life. Your photograph indicates that you are quite a knock out but I would be giving you the same advice even if you were not. Life is a short business and it can be awfully interesting. (Green knows, eh.) There is no reason for you to stay in this negative environment when there is so much of value waiting for you out there. Life can certainly be painful at times when one takes risks but it can be so exciting and so interesting. This is why I find myself speaking the way I have.

[Carlene 12]

Sherri Jo...

Men can be such pigs. Do not let him make you feel like a failure, because you aren't. Here's my advice...it's free and worth every cent, by the way.

1. Do not leave your home. If he doesn't want to look at you, let him leave.

2. Get an attorney. Ask around and find the baddest one in town.

3. Take stock.....anything you think you will need to replace in the next 5 or 6 years (washer/dryer, fridge, AC system, computer, etc), buy it all now - on a credit card that has him as primary. In the divorce, if it comes to that, ask the court to give him all the credit card debt.

4. Get a new credit card in your name. Put it away and don't let him know about it. You may need it later, as it can be hard to establish credit when you are first divorced, especially if you have no job.

5. Clean out the safety deposit box. Rent a new one in your name only. Put anything you don't want him to see or take in the new box.

6. Remember that in case of adultery, the wronged party (that would be you) gets more money/stuff. Don't be afraid to put the screws to him. He has it coming.

7. Alimony.....ask for separate maintainance while the divorce is pending, and lots of alimony for afterward. Again, he deserves it.

8. Do not be ashamed. This did not happen because you are lacking something. It happened because HE is lacking something....integrity.

9. Resist the urge to get even with the other woman. Do not tell her husband, parents, etc that she is a cheating, no-good piece of shit. People believe what they want to, and they may not want to believe you.

10. You will NOT die single...unless you choose to. I was widowed at 50 and remarried 3 years later. Spend some time mourning the death of your marriage, then join a singles group - or two - and have some fun for a change.

11. Decide what you will tell your children. The truth will hurt him, but it will hurt them, too.

12. Only you know if it's really over or not. If it is, then own it and move on. Don't poke at the wound and keep yourself in constant pain. Don't follow him....don't monitor his phone calls...don't make threats (or promises)...and above all, don't beg. Be strong. It's gonna hurt like hell.

13. The affair is not over. And she can't lose her kids just because she is screwing around. She either knows that already, or she will find it out. Maybe in 1950 that would have happened, but not now.

I am so sorry you are having to go thru this. Life isn't fair, but it sure should be.

[lizrbit 0]

Sherri Jo...

Men can be such pigs. Do not let him make you feel like a failure, because you aren't. Here's my advice...it's free and worth every cent, by the way.

1. Do not leave your home. If he doesn't want to look at you, let him leave.

2. Get an attorney. Ask around and find the baddest one in town.

3. Take stock.....anything you think you will need to replace in the next 5 or 6 years (washer/dryer, fridge, AC system, computer, etc), buy it all now - on a credit card that has him as primary. In the divorce, if it comes to that, ask the court to give him all the credit card debt.

4. Get a new credit card in your name. Put it away and don't let him know about it. You may need it later, as it can be hard to establish credit when you are first divorced, especially if you have no job.

5. Clean out the safety deposit box. Rent a new one in your name only. Put anything you don't want him to see or take in the new box.

6. Remember that in case of adultery, the wronged party (that would be you) gets more money/stuff. Don't be afraid to put the screws to him. He has it coming.

7. Alimony.....ask for separate maintainance while the divorce is pending, and lots of alimony for afterward. Again, he deserves it.

8. Do not be ashamed. This did not happen because you are lacking something. It happened because HE is lacking something....integrity.

9. Resist the urge to get even with the other woman. Do not tell her husband, parents, etc that she is a cheating, no-good piece of shit. People believe what they want to, and they may not want to believe you.

10. You will NOT die single...unless you choose to. I was widowed at 50 and remarried 3 years later. Spend some time mourning the death of your marriage, then join a singles group - or two - and have some fun for a change.

11. Decide what you will tell your children. The truth will hurt him, but it will hurt them, too.

12. Only you know if it's really over or not. If it is, then own it and move on. Don't poke at the wound and keep yourself in constant pain. Don't follow him....don't monitor his phone calls...don't make threats (or promises)...and above all, don't beg. Be strong. It's gonna hurt like hell.

13. The affair is not over. And she can't lose her kids just because she is screwing around. She either knows that already, or she will find it out. Maybe in 1950 that would have happened, but not now.

I am so sorry you are having to go thru this. Life isn't fair, but it sure should be.

THIS is the advise i wish i had twenty years ago. This sounds like the way to go!