I am a success...that has failed to continue

[Roo101769 742]

I have to start this out by saying I am absolutely a success. I have lost 100lbs, weight I would have NEVER lost had I not had the VSG surgery. I do not regret for one minute making that decision. What I am regretting is where I have put myself right now. I did not use my tool to the best of it's ability early on. I used the sleeve to lose the weight for the first 10 months. I didn't even try to exercise. I was more active, yes. But I was losing and I was happy so I didn't put much effort in. My eating was under control for the most part during that time too. As time passed and weight loss slowed then stopped I did start to go to the gym. I figured I rode the sleeve as far as it would take me and now it was up to me. Except I stopped that too after a short while. I wasn't seeing many results and my schedule got in the way. Yes, I made excuses. Now I am in a horrible head space and I am trying desperately to figure out how to change it. My weight stays within a 5-7lbs zone, but that is still over 70lbs from my weight loss goal. I am still clinically obese. I have a friend who had surgery two months after mine and he is within 20lbs of his goal weight, and has lost over 200lbs! Of course there are differences in our lifestyles that attribute to that. First he is a male. He is also a gay male that does not have children. He gets up at 4am every day and goes to the gym to work out for 2.5 hours. I cannot do that, period. I have a six year old daughter that deserves time with me, not being bounced from daytime daycare to the daycare at the Y each and every day. ( and I would have to go AFTER work, not before) My friend struggles to with his eating, but his extreme exercise routine has made the difference for him.

I am feeling sort of depressed because I am coming to terms with my food addiction. I have to admit I totally shammed myself and the doctor in my psych eval pre op. I honestly didn't know the depths of my addiction until recently. I said all the right things and, at the time, believed I had a handle on it all. But if I was so truly self aware then how the HECK did I get to 316lbs?? Anyway, my eating has been off the charts of late. I eat entirely too big of portions. I eat a lot of wrong choices. I graze. All the things we learn not to do, and cannot do early after surgery, I have fallen back into. My very first inclination that I was going to have problems was hunger. Mine did not go away. Yes, for some time it seemed to have taken a back seat. I had a lot of swelling during my healing process, so my early restriction was crazy tight. I thought I had won a lottery because I never wanted anything and , if I did happen to get hungry, one or two bites and I was done. Well that all went away as soon as the swelling did. I felt hunger, real hunger. I tried to play it off as head hunger. I did all the tricks, drank more. Made myself wait to be sure I was really hungry and not just thinking so. I tried to distract myself. But it was real. I was hungry, too much. Then about two months or so out I made my first major misstep, I ate carbs. I just wanted to see if I could, what would happen. I will tell you what happened. The carbs went down very easy and created no issue. I didn't get sick. They didn't make me feel over full or bloated. What they did do though was end my ketosis phase and make my carb addiction kick right back in. I have battled now for over a year to try to stay away from those bad carbs with varying success. Some days I got it and some days they got me. Recently I have been trying to be mindful of my eating. I have connected with a group of old high school friends who have either already had WLS or are in the process. It has, at least, made me more conscience of what I am doing. Even though having this surgery is major and effects the rest of your life, it is also easy to go about living your life to the point you sort of forget you have done it. You go from the early days/ weeks/ months where it consumes your life to a place where it is in the back of your mind. Anyway, I am trying really hard to pay closer attention to my self sabotage. ( I am the QUEEN of that apparently!) Today I decided to log my intake. For those early out that probably seems obvious. But honestly I wasn't much of a logger, I didn't have the time. I just used my head, made wise choices and relied on the sleeve to keep me in line on portions. That was all well in good until it stopped working! Anyway today I have made a very conscience effort to be aware of exactly what I am putting in my mouth, and to tell you I am shocked is an understatement. After eating lunch I decided to tally things up so far. Being as honest as I could ( ok- I left off my coffee with a bit of Creamer in it but that was all) I figured up what I have put in my mouth today. At this point I have consumed 980 calories and 26.6 grams of fat, and I haven't even had dinner yet. I didn't tally carbs because I know they are high. These numbers are not through the roof or anything but....Given the fact I still have weight to lose they are too high. And the fact that I have really tried to be good today, and this is how bad I have done, it just boggles my mind. What the heck happened to me? Where is all the excitement I had early on? Why am I having such a hard time getting back to where I need to be?

As I write this I already figure some responses are that I should seek a therapist, and I really probably should. But given my finances that isn't in the cards. I am not looking for justification or anyone to say it is ok to be this way. I am just being as open and honest as I can because that is who I am. Maybe my struggle is not as uncommon as I think and maybe someone else out there can relate. I would love to hear from those folks. And if someone knows a magic switch I can flip to get my head back on right, PLEASE tell me!!!! LOL

[CanyonBaby 1,852]

Yes, you could probably do with a visit to a therapist. But in the meantime, it seems to me, from all that you have written, you already KNOW what to do, it's just a matter of doing it. So DO it. It takes alot of self-discipline, which sounds like you need to work on (and who doesn't?!). What would you do if your child didn't do the things they need to do, you would get after them. So, GET AFTER yourself! Write things down: schedule meals, Snacks, exercises. Write down what you eat and when. Find a hobby to keep yourself from eating - do IT instead of grazing. Find a gym that allows kids or has a child-care facility built in.

There are millions of excuses, there are millions of reasons NOT to use them. None of us is perfect, but we all endeavor to try and find the "perfect" person we can live with. If you can be happy with what you are/have been doing since your surgery, that is great. If not, CHANGE IT. Only you can do that. But you have to want it bad enough to change. Start with the basics, from when you were first post-op. Blossom from there. As you see yourself going in the wrong direction, change your path. Lots of work, and you have to think you're worth it. I think you ARE! Go for it!

[Miss Mac 6,262]

My biggest problem in that area has been portion distortion. When I quit weighing and measuring what I know my capacity to be, it was easy to push my sleeve into accepting more by grazing. I was fooling myself into thinking that my snack was just two tablespoons of Peanut Butter. It measure out to be 1/2 cup, plus I was eating 1/2 cup of artificial whip cream (corn Syrup and chemicals) with it. That's a big diffence in calories, carbs and fat.

Earlier today I posted a link to an article suggesting that brushing your teeth right after you eat will help slay a sweet tooth. I have been doing this for a few days and it works. And...the scale is moving again after a six month stall.

Don't let yourself become part of the couch. Your daughter can take walks with you or even work out with a DVD with you. I know my Richard Simmons Sweating to the Oldies set is kinda corny, but I got it out the other and decided to go with the flow. It was actually fun. The other think I found out about exercise is that if I change the TV channel and put on music instead, I diddly bop while doing my housework.

My other thought was: Who is bringing your temptations home to tease you? Control starts at the grocery store. If you make this one change, it would help: Don't buy any groceries made in a factory.

[CanyonBaby 1,852]

Following what MissMac said, I have read to just go around the perimeter of the grocery store - it is where VSGer's should shop. It has most of what we need, and the processed stuff is, for the most part, in the center of the store. I remembered that the other day when I was in there, and never even went in the center part of the store! That guy was right on!

[Roo101769 742]

Control at home is mostly me, but I do have an adult niece currently living with me. ( that tends to snack) Work is an entirely different monster. There is a snack table that sits about 4 feet from my desk that is ALWAYS loaded with chips and Cookies and candy. I cannot do a darn thing about that. I sit and look at this stuff for 8 hours a day.

Truth is I am the only one responsible. I am the only one liable. I am just at a hard place trying to get back some of my will power. Every day is a new day and a new chance.

[LisaAlwaysSmiling 21]

Hi,

Just a suggestion which was suggested to me (I'm scheduled for surgery on 4/20/15) write down why I decided to get the sleeve so I can refer back to reasons why I chose to have it done when I go thru rough Patches.

Remember you pre-op days...

I know it's easier said than done.

Good Luck

Edited April 16, 2015 by LisaAlwaysSmiling

[Roo101769 742]

That is a good idea Lisa. I blogged a lot early on in the process. ( Here on this site) I need to sit and reread those. I do remember exactly why I did it. My thing is trying to recapture the excitement. I am sure I was like countless others who went into this expecting great things. I HAVE had great results, just not all I wanted. I need to recapture that feeling of great hope and possibility. Back when the idea of being thin was a dream. ( which to be honest I never was able to picture myself thin) I have not given up on the idea of losing more. And I am not trying to be negative towards the surgery itself. I think it is a great and wonderful option that did give me back part of my life. I just want more... or less. LOL

Hi,

Just a suggestion which was suggested to me (I'm scheduled for surgery on 4/20/15) write down why I decided to get the sleeve so I can refer back to reasons why I chose to have it done when I go thru rough Patches.

Remember you pre-op days...

I know it's easier said than done.

Good Luck

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

First, congratulations on losing 100 pounds.

Second, paragraphs are our friends, I didn't make it all the way through your post.

Third, the first thing I thought of when you mentioned your daughters age was why not get your exercise with her. As someone mentioned , you can take walks, hikes, go swimming, run around outside. Keeping up with kids will definitely make you more active.

Fourth, who stocks the snack table at work? Why not request healthier options or bring your own? I know I'd much rather eat cheese than chips any day.

Best of luck. You sound like me. I KNOW what to do, but doing it is a challenge.

[TheRealMeIsHere! 863]

Congrats on the weight loss and for having the courage to share your struggles. Many people do NOT realize that the sleeve is only a tool, I'm sorry you found out the hard way. Your post will, hopefully, help newbies realize that.

Are there support groups offered in your area?

Insurance should pay for a nutritionist and/or counseling. There may also be a County Mental Health clinic that will do a sliding scale fee.

Try going back to basics, small plate & utensils.

Eating lean/fat free Proteins. 80 gms of Protein per day.

Non-starchy veggies

No potatoes, sugar, bread, rice, Pasta, etc.....those things will CAUSE cravings and hunger

Alot of no calorie liquids.

For your coffee, have you tried fat free half & half? It's actually very good, I use it daily.

When I snack, I snack on salad made from non-starchy veggies, maybe some lean turkey, chicken or ham.

For dressing I use different vinegars, red vinegar mixed with light mayo, 1 TBSP light dressing thinned with a unsweetened rice vinegar, fat free 1/2 & 1/2 light mayo and a tad of ranch powder, Balsamic and white balsamic are delicious, also, etc....

If you are interested, I can give you ideas on how to re-vamp your usual recipes to be lower in fat & carbs and higher in Protein.< /p>

Good luck, you seem very insightful, I hope you are able to get back on track and develop a lifelong, healthier way of eating.

[CanyonBaby 1,852]

@@Roo101769

Is there any way to move the snack table? If not, could you chat with who is in charge and ask if your desk could be moved elsewhere? If you explain you are trying to deal with weight issues, it may help get it or you moved. Is there any way to turn your desk around, so you don't have to see it? If you have meetings, could it be brought up where people could leave their Snacks in their desks, and not in public? You are probably not the only one with an issue with the snack table! Or like a previous poster noted, have healthier Snacks available? I don't envy you this one, hopefully folks will understand and accommodate you on this. Good luck!

[Roo101769 742]

Unfortunately there is nothing that can be done about the table. There is no where it can be moved and my desk cannot be moved either. This table has sat there for at least the last 17-18 years, full of treats. Sometimes I have no problem ignoring it. But days when my will power is low, it is the hardest thing to walk by. The table is stocked by one individual for the most part. ( I would say he provides 99.8% of the goodies) I have tried to talk to him about bring healthier options, or not bringing so much. It falls on deaf ears. He is a kind man but he just does not get it. And yes, I have heard others complain about all the food too, yet it keeps being eaten.

Here is what is currently on the table... A bag of Fritos, a bag of Herr's creamy dill potato chips, a bag of Cheetos, a bag of Combos, a box of Cheese-its, a container of pretzels, jelly Beans, caramel bulls eyes and cow tails, Keebler soft batch chocolate chip Cookies and Keebler fudge sticks, and a jar of peanuts. This is the end of the week, supplies are low. On Monday there will be about three times this amount of junk food. Every other Wednesday he brings in donuts. Yes, I do try to bring my own Snacks. My biggest problem is definitely self control.

So needless to say, 40 hrs a week I am being tested. We went live on new computer system at work last November (that STILL does not work properly) and that has upped the stress level here ten fold. When I am at my weakest I have all this temptation in front of me, and it isn't going anywhere.

But all of this is just one explanation, some would say an excuse. I am trying. But I am also being honest when I say I am struggling. Each day is a new start, a new chance. Today I started my day with a big Protein smoothie. I am going to try to bump up my Protein levels to see if that helps. ( I read an interesting article about signs you are not getting enough protein yesterday, it does explain a lot. ) Anyway, thanks to all for advice and concern. That is why I turn to this site when I have problems. It is a support site after all, and sometimes we all need that extra help.

@@Roo101769

Is there any way to move the snack table? If not, could you chat with who is in charge and ask if your desk could be moved elsewhere? If you explain you are trying to deal with weight issues, it may help get it or you moved. Is there any way to turn your desk around, so you don't have to see it? If you have meetings, could it be brought up where people could leave their Snacks in their desks, and not in public? You are probably not the only one with an issue with the snack table! Or like a previous poster noted, have healthier snacks available? I don't envy you this one, hopefully folks will understand and accommodate you on this. Good luck!

[Andrew0929 1,101]

I'm out 1 year 4 months and have been at goal (down 145 pounds) since 10 months out.

What has worked for me and will hopefully continue to work is measuring and logging all food consumed.

Yes, I work out 6 days/week but I think the logging has helped the most. Helps to ensure proper levels of nutrition and keep me in check with portions.

[CanyonBaby 1,852]

@@Roo101769

Oh, you do have a battle to fight! So, may I suggest battling it this way? Get one of those divider cups (find in the baby section, near where the formula is - about 3"x3", with a removable top), fill it with 2-3 portions (about 1/2 ounce EACH of said snack) of healthy snack items (such as craisins, cubed cheese, bite-size Jerky - I use a kitchen shears to cut it up, nuts, raisins, other dried fruit....).

That way you have a ready-to-snack option at hand, that will take away the craving for the stuff on the dreaded table. The Protein in the snack should help keep you sated until mealtime, and the carbs should give you enough energy until the next time you eat. The key is to keep the portion size small, just enough to get you through. Hopefully this will help in the "battle of the table"!

[TammyDTM 391]

There are many workouts on youtube that you can do if you don't want to buy workout DVD's. Also, put on some music and dance! Playing music uplifts your soul which in turn uplifts your mood.

I hope you find a way to get back on track soon!

We all support you in your efforts!

[Hetera 44]

There's a very good book I'm reading (I'm 2 weeks pre-op) called "It Aint Over 'til the Thin Lady Sings" by Michelle Ritchie, who is a certified substance abuse counselor and who had WLS surgery and really understands the ins and outs of compulsive eating.

I struggle with it myself. I use food to decompress, and to "anchor" myself upon arrival, i.e., when I arrive at a friend's house, or at work, or home after work. Eating for me has historically had NOTHING to do with hunger.

This book makes you do some serious soul-searching.

You know what they say, it's not what you're eating, it's what's eating you...

Anyway, I like the book, and it's important to do some serious exploration of why we overeat. Restriction is just a tool. I get so sick of hearing that and reading it, but it's true. You can build a house with a hammer, but you gotta swing it, baby!

I feel pretty sure you'll get back on track. Just don't chew your paw off, the stress will only make it worse.