female only Things men say when told about WLS :)

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

With all due respect, AvaFern is not talking about love....she's talking about the negative feelings we often have about morbid obesity due to our own self hatred of how large we have/had become.

Fair enough.

[Chrystee 838]

So what did you say to Number 3's insult? And he would have issues if you got fat again? What about when you get married and have a baby (if you plan on it).. then what? That means he is going to leave? I'd dump him.. I've been married 15 years.. and although I was smaller when I got married (size 18).. I've gotten bigger since.. this is the first time i'm actually losing and will probably be thin.

the positive side tho, is that you'll probably want to work out with him, and you can get a rockin bod.. but people who don't have compassion for things that we can't always control concern me.

[tfarr 270]

I would feel the same way. If I got a Response like that, especially th 3rd man I would be greatly insulted. Let my self get soo over weight. What a dink. He apparently knows nothing about a weight struggle except that he's trying g to make muscle vs losing fat.

What are you gonna do? Have you talked to him about it?

[BayougirlMrsS 3,939]

@@hadouni I have few that my husband of 24 years has told me: he asked, How much more weight i wanted to lose? I asked why... he said... because your starting too look like a bag of bones (i was 143lbs). Another one: your face was prettier when you were fat, now i can see all your wrinkles. Another... Your not fat, your just thick (155lbs recent). But the best was just last week when he said that LB was my HOBBY.... that i really didn't need to have that done, i wasn't that big and i could have lost it on my own if i had really wanted too....

Yeah... things are great in my house...

[hadouni 301]

Most of the ignorant and/or insensitive things I've said in my life have happened when I was mouthing off about something I had no direct experience with or knowledge of, or when I spoke defensively without thinking about what I was saying or how it might be interpreted. So, I try not to respond defensively to things until I've had time to think about what was said and my initial reaction to it.

Now that he understands why I eat the way I do I'm just going to see how it goes. I'm not one to put up with much. I've been on my own for a long time and am happy with my life so if the person I'm seeing/with isn't improving the quality of my life with their presence , I'll move on.

[gowalking 10,790]

I've been on my own for a long time and am happy with my life so if the person I'm seeing/with isn't improving the quality of my life with their presence , I'll move on.

That's exactly how I feel @hadouni. Not sure how long you've been dating but I'm at it nearly a year and I've certainly had to kiss plenty of frogs. I've met some nice men but either there's no chemistry, or timing isn't right, or not a good fit. But everytime I think why am I bothering, I meet someone who I enjoy talking to or going out with and even if that relationship goes nowhere, it makes me realize that there is probably someone out there I would enjoy spending time with. I have a date on Sunday with someone I like talking to so we'll see...

[Roo101769 742]

Dating for me continues to be a huge challenge, although I really thought it would get easier once I lost weight. Boy was I wrong! When I was over 300lbs I always used my size as my internal reason why I couldn't meet a great guy. It is stupid I realize, because I am the same person at any size. I did become involved in several wrong, purely physical relationships while I was that heavy too. I tried to tell myself it was my choice, that I controlled what happened. These guys weren't using me, I chose not to look for more than FWB. Problem was, I did want more and just couldn't find it. When I had the surgery I thought dating and my love life would magically become easier. WRONG!!! I still have not found anyone genuine who wants to know me. I have certainly had more attention. I have had compliments galore and I even have been hit on a few times in a bar. ( Even by significantly younger guys!) But I still fail to make a connection with anyone who is looking for something real. At first it was completely ego zapping to think "I'm not good enough" still. But I have done a lot of soul searching about it and realize I do not put myself in environments that allow for me to find anything more substantial. I still use a lot of my "fat girl" fall backs. I still look for the wrong qualities in the wrong types. I know what I want, I really do. Problem is I settle all too often for much less. I need to be ok being alone if settling is all I will get.

That all being said I have no issue telling anyone about my weight loss. In my opinion it is pretty obvious anyway from my turkey neck and bat wings. I realize I am still "obese" even after losing 100lbs, but I now look "acceptable". I am not self conscience in every social situation feeling like the heaviest person in the room. And if I meet a guy I will tell him the truth. Maybe not as my lead in but it certainly will come up in conversation. It is part of me, part of my life. If I ever want to have a "REAL" relationship then the guys I date have to know who I am... Maybe it works out, maybe it doesn't. But I refuse to feel any shame from anyone for having weight loss surgery.

Edited April 8, 2015 by Roo101769

[Stevehud 1,790]

it is undeniable. when you see a single man in their late 30's and 40's you have to understand the reason they haven't found someone else is because they are assholes masquerading as men. their problems are so deep-rooted they can't be fixed by even the greatest compassion. Now i don't mean this of all men, just close to it. There are a few that were able to overcome their past problems, but not that many. Id like to give you wonderful ladies the five warning signs of an asshole male. here they are in no particular order.

1. He thinks a bar is an appropriate romantic date destination.

2. He has children from different women and doesn't pay child support to any of them.

3. He has other women's names ( not his mothers) tattooed on his body and shows them to you.

4. He doesn't own a tie or a suit, and thinks a tuxedo was the t-shirt he wore to the prom.

5. He tells you how to improve yourself or your life.

if you witness these things, run, do not walk, just get away. It's just not worth it.

[tfarr 270]

Lmao!!! I love the first one

[katesuccess 990]

Got to say @hadouni, you hit the nail on the head when you said, "Now that he knows why..." ! I've found a lot of otherwise decent or kindly-inclined guys (and women) will say something that sounds really bad simply for being new to the topic or uninformed. When my hubby (31 years) and I are talking about something that really matters to me I find I sometimes sort of pre-telegraph some info to him. Not to tell him how to react really, but to let him know I expect more support than idle conversational critique.

Recently I was debriefing a huge work day of mine with him (he had also been there) and just said how I was pleased it went well and that I was working to keep myself being overly self-critical about it or picking it apart in minutia as I sometimes did. His response was great, saying supportive things and keeping clear that this was MY thing to reflect on, not his to dump on. (He did that last time - weighing in before he could figure out how much it would hurt me!)

When I told him my decision to investigate WLS it was much the same - letting him know it was only a conversation we were having if IF he was informed and interested in learning, NOT if he was just going to do a knee-jerk fear response from whatever he'd heard on tv or what his own feelings about having it might be. The only time our conversation went off the rails the whole time - through all the pre-op stuff and now a year of post-op - was when he wasn't responding out of being informed, rather just ignoring all info and research and jumping to conclusions.

Anyway - long way around to say it might be good to couch the conversation in the tenor you'd like it to take-- like; "A couple years ago I had WLS and it was the best decision i ever made! I feel great and am pretty darned happy with how I look - in spite of a few scars!" A guy who argues that one isn't a likely keeper for me anyway. Good luck - and YES, there's some great fellows out there who ARE kind and sensitive and love the person, not just the body.

[Blue Sky 89]

One thing I've learned in general is not to share too much too soon in any relationship. People need to earn your trust and vice versa.

[bluesclues 49]

Wow...I can relate to so much of this! I dated a guy that was like #3 and that ended because he was upset/pissed that I didn't tell him about my surgery when we first started dating (seriously? that's not something you bring up on the first few dates) and also was judging me the same way (how did you let yourself get so fat, etc?). He was a hardcore gymmer and always working out. Glad that ended because he criticized me on so many other things as well....was a jerk, and found out how he was a bigger jerk :/

The guy I'm dating now doesn't care and is very supportive....seen my scars as well. Let's see how this goes *fingers crossed*

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

Dude #3 should be ditched immediately. I wasted 3 months dating a guy who was negative about a couple of things from the get go and I ignored it. Turned out I was dating eyesore. ..haha...it got much much worse. He was ok with my weight loss and plastics, it was other topics of negativity. Over time it became oppressive.

[Packerfan61964 293]

From a man's standpoint.....why does it matter what you USED to be. No one is perfect and we all have a past and a little baggage. I don't know what those men were looking for ......but hey....it's THEIR LOSS!!!

[CowgirlJane 14,261]

I swear I typed Eyeore!

@@Packerfan61964 - great post!