My mother had weight loss surgery - Our relationnship?

[Daughter2015 0]

This is a question about my changing relationship with my mother,me at 29.. her at 52

My mother has been a wonderful mother to me growing up. There is no exaggeration there. However... as I have gotten older, I have been resentful of my parents for very dysfunctional eating habits that they evolved partly together. My mother would always make our fun surrounded by food, generally with no concern about the unhealthiness of it. I was only overweight as a child during my "awkward stage" but I came out of that as I grew.. and I was always an active kid. As I entered adolescence I remember being embarrassed of my obese mother to some degree. I entered a stage where I wanted to model, mstly because a friend encouraged me because she thought I was beautiful. I was too short and not fit for it. I did however start to severely restrict my food during a time when my boyfriend moved away to a different country with his famiy. I was already thin and actractive, but as I dropped weight, it really impacted my body shape... and I liked it. My mother was concerned at that time and also commented that I was losing my womanly figure..I grew out of it. I still exercised intensely during sports and I kept a normal, "attractive" weight. My mother always was proud of her beautiful daughter, without judgment. I remember eating lke crazy at times. but it didn't affect my weight because I was young and extremely active. My parents continued to eat unhealthily, and I was a participant as well.

Fast forward, I entered the obese category and stayed that way from early twenties on after an anxiety provoking issue, it was a time I was in a very difficult college program and lving at home to save money. At that time... or maybr beyond, I began to resent my parents attitude on food. It WAS dysfunctional. I started to realize, other people do not eat and think about food the way we do. It made me angry that I was being robbed of my youth bc of my weight, with my hand, and the belief set my parents gave me.My WEIGHT since has never since been satisfactory, constant yo yoing.. because I can do extreme, when I really care... but mostly.. I haven't...and do the extreme, at the other spectrum I think that has to do w my parents and how they thought of food. Ive fluctuated from a siz 9 (thin) to a size 16 ( gross).

Now my mother had her surgery.. she makes comments that hurt my feelings. It is not that im jealous... or even that I feel left behind. I am only left behind if I chose to.. however she has never admitted to how her eating habits effected me - she thinks that I was thin growing up, so its fine. That makes me furious. The comments she make may seem benign to others.. but things like....."just because you can fit into It, doesn't mean you should wear it" or don't eat that extra hamburger, I want it for lunch", "omg, I lost 4lbs this week... im not even remotely hungry anymore... and on and onnnnnnnnnn that talk goes." I am pd off because she is judging me, after she has actually not been a positive role model for me as a child

I am angry... I used to think the world of my mother, but my respect for her is dwindling....... I don't quite understand it, but I don't like how she is behaving. She is more judgemental, and more insensitive to her daughter that SHE fucked iup

I need insight on this.

[Bonawanabfree 280]

I do not agree with anyone picking on anyone at all, Maybe you should tell your mother the she is making you feel attacked and uncomfortable and that you wished she was more comforting to you. That being said I need to speak to you about this other issue of blame. I gre up in a family that did not care what they ate either. We were never health conscience and I was always a lage child. I never in my wildest dreams thuoght to blame my partents. It is not their fault that they were ignorant to the causes of certain foods. I developed a metobolic disorder over time and that is why I made this decision for myself. I have struggled with my weight all of my life and never once did I blame anyone but myself. The best advice I can give is to take responsibility for yourself right now. You are in charge of you. Sure, When you were a kid what choice did you have? You ate what your parents gave you because you were not thinking about long term health issues because you were a child and I can almost bet your partents diddnt think about those issues either because they probably grew up thinking of food as a way to show love to you. There are many factors as to why they ate like that and fed you that way but I remember one day my Mom said to me "It's pretty bad when you wake up one morning and realize your parents are human". We all make mistakes but you are blaming your parents and wasting precious time being upset when you should be enjoying and loving them. If you let go of the past hurts you will be able to create a more fulfilling life for yourself.

[woo woo 872]

Agree. I think at 29 it's time to take responsibility for yourself and stop blaming mom for everything.

It seems like her surgery may have brought out some old resentments in you. Maybe talking it out with either her or a therapist could be helpful.

You are the only one that controls how you eat now. Time to own that.

Edited April 6, 2015 by woo woo

[LipstickLady 25,682]

I think you are old enough to own your actions and your reactions. Stop blaming mom and take control of your own life. If her comments are hurtful, either tell her so or stay away from her.

You're a grown woman. Go live your life.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

And a size 16 is hardly "gross".

[peaceout 273]

I'll spare you a ton of the details since this is your post, but my family/parents were not the best role models when it came to healthy eating either. And sometimes, when I'm having a pity-party type of day, I will bring blame back on them for passing along some of those habits. But, now I'm an adult and I know what needs to be done, and all blame falls back on my shoulders for getting myself to where I am today.

Talk to your mom. Air everything out. And maybe, now that she's post-surgery and more health-conscious too, you'll have someone who understands everything you're going through and can help you in your journey as well. And if she can't be supportive, find someone else you can rely on.

And one final note, be aware of where you're posting. I haven't seen size 16 in many years, and when I get there I'm going to feel elated, wonderful, and successful; not "gross."

[Inner Surfer Girl 12,015]

I think it is safe to say that just about everyone who posts to this board has a complicated relationship with food whether or not we have WLS surgery or not. Also, any major change like WLS will shake up the status quo in our relationships. Based on some of the issues you brought up in your post you might want to consider talking with a counselor or therapist or attending a support group such as OA.

You can sort out your feelings and your relationship with both food and your mother but it may take some work. Best of luck.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

1. There are no perfect parents. None. Those parents who got the food / eating part right got something else wrong. Trust me.

2. Your mother is no longer responsible for how you live your life at age 29. At your age, you've long been an adult and won't ever be anything but an adult until you die.

3. If you and your mom can't repair your food dysfunctional dynamic alone, I urge you to find a counselor or therapist who can help you two get to a healthier place from which you can make real progress.

4. You didn't say what your current weight is and what your current weight goals are. But it sounds like you're not happy about it all. What are YOU doing about changing your own behaviors?

5. Finally, if I heard you clearly, you think that your mom caused your weight problems. But have you considered that her own family may have contributed to hers? If so, then you and your mom are stuck in a generational cycle similar to those of abuse, poverty and violence. Your mother is obviously trying to stop that destructive cycle. I think you have to join her in that effort. Again, I think a counselor could be very useful to you both.

I wish the very best for you both.

[ualaw08 270]

I don't post very much, but I have to comment on this. Your parents relationship with food is not your relationship with food. As everyone has said, we have to take responsibility for our own behavior. No one is forcing you to do something you don't want to do. Additionally, although your mother may be saying things that are hurtful to you, you do seem a little jealous of her success.

Finally, as someone else said, your use of the word "gross" to being a siZe 16 is inappropriate. We are people of all sizes on this board. Using the word gross for ANY size can be insulting.

I wish you the best of luck working through everything.

[Nursejlcox 29]

I did not read everyone else's replies but I'd say it is DEFINATELY time for you to seek some therapy...soon! And there is not a thing wrong with needing to do so...

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

The power of forgiveness is amazing. Holding a grudge is toxic and takes away from your quality of life.

I am a mother to 2 sons in their early 20s. There are.many things I wish I had done better as a parent but one thing I did right was raise them to be grateful. I love that world view.

As a practical matter, on way to not be so bothered by all this is to not live there.

[Weighting2BeFree 164]

My mom and I have had some talks like this... i was honest and told her the things that i wish had been different as a kid, such as healthier eating and family exercise. But i also told her that i was an adult and could no longer blame them for my stuffing my face with oreos. Its always easier to blame someone else than take responsibility for your own actions. You need to think about your own relationship with food any why its there. For me i always sabotaged my diets. Why? Because if i was bigger i felt i knew who my friends were and i thought pe op le would expect less of me. Not healthy. I'm still working through that. And yeah coming to a bariatric forum and calling a size 16 "gross" was very insensitive. Many of us dream of the day we can shop in a regular size store.

[JustWatchMe 7,117]

Please take a minute to look back in your family a couple of generations. Almost all of us develop habits based on how we are raised. I found OA at age 28 and realized that my obese upbringing by obese parents was a result of their obese upbringing by obese and alcoholic parents. I was blessed to see this and get the opportunity to change it before I had children. Having said that, I raised my toddlers into teenagers with healthy food habits. We ate at the table as a family and didn't serve soda, or other unhealthy extras while they were little. Unfortunately over time I gained back the weight I had lost. My kids ate healthy but watched me become morbidly obese. By the time they were teenagers, I was eating in front of the TV and so were they. My younger daughter was slightly overweight in her preteen years but became very active in sports and got health conscious in high school and slimmed down. My older daughter never was overweight. Last year I got WLS and have dropped 100 pounds so far. My daughters are my biggest cheerleaders. One daughter kicks my ass when I make poor food choices. They are both excited for my new life.

My point is, we teach what we know, and sometimes even though we know better, we don't do it ourselves. It's also not a straight road. I'm on a path to health today, but my girls have seen it good, bad, and good again. They don't have kids yet, but when they do, they will make their own mistakes and successes.

I'm back living with my mom while my divorce is starting. My mom is 100 percent in food dysfunction. She is disabled and can hardly walk and lives to eat. We rarely eat together because she likes to binge alone. I learned from her as a teenager that the way to lose a hundred or more pounds was to eat salad and hot dogs for a year. Of course she gained it back. When she was losing weight back then I was overweight at 15. My mom became skinnier than me and I hated her.

It's a generational cycle. You can break it for yourself and for your kids. But you probably won't do it perfectly.

Peace.

[Hetera 44]

I understand your being angry or hurt by your mother's insensitive statements to you, and you must address that with her directly. and something else...you are now going through your own journey regarding food and your relationship with eating, and your relationship with your mother. It's natural for young people to blame their parents for things that they did, or that they didn't do, during one's childhood. I truly don't mean to sound condescending. Please don't take this that way, but I really think it's a stage that we go through as we mature, to blame our parents. And it is something that we eventually do "grow out of." The fact that you are expressing it now is a good indicator that you are on the verge of outgrowing your resentment. Not that your resentment wasn't justified, but it doesn't really serve a purpose anymore. As the saying goes, "leave her to Heaven." Also, remember that just because your mother had bad food habits, doesn't mean that she wasn't struggling with her thoughts and feelings.

Finally, while I think it's okay to talk to your mom about how she makes you feel now, I don't think it would serve much of a purpose to express your resentment to her about how she instilled bad eating habits in you. Because frankly we can all blame our parents for that. It would only make her either feel bad, or get defensive, so why bother? Only the most emotionally evolved people can have those kind of conversations without them turning ugly fast and eroding the relationship. Unless she was grossly negligent, I'd let it go.

Those are just my thoughts.

And finally, the more independent you are of your parents, the happier you will be. You are mistress of your own ship.