Help me deal with loved ones who won't band

[edieparks 2]

I have two loved ones who ... for lots of reasons do not want to band.

Over the years we have shared diets and walking .

Had long and many many big discussions on

why we are fat

how we can lose fat

and most of all how miserable we are being fat.

So here I am a living breathing example of the band and nothing with them.

They have been very interested in my journey the last year .

Of course fat people love to talk about losing weight .

They both have been there for me in the good times and bad of the banding. Very supportive both of them.

I want to shake them and say Yes you have to give up stuffing yourself . But you also have to give up shopping in the Tents R Us

dept as I used to call my size of clothing.

I know I cannot run the world but I would like to.

Just needed to vent because I want these very special people in my life to have what I have.

If I just had a magic speech to make them see the light.

Both have told me they don't want to give up eating "normal" .

I don't want to be cruel to them but I know normal to them is overeating.

I love these very important women in my life .

I will just keep setting an example and keep my lip zipped.

That is why I like this site (thanks again Alex) I can speak my mind and know someone has felt as I do and can understand how I feel.

If I have to go to their funerals and they died from obesity problems I will want to kick myself. These women are 10 years younger then me but both are at 300 lbs . I know I could still have heart problems in the future but I am better off now then June 06.

Damn I feel better,

edie

[mcgreen 0]

I very much understand how you are feeling. I'm a band newbie- but part of the reason I did it was to try to get my older brother to consider WLS. He weighs over 400 lbs and has 2 small kids. I'm hoping that my success (and it WILL happen) will help him to make a positive choice for himself.

Honestly, I don't think the band will help unless someone is mentally ready and even then - our head hunger is still there so pushing someone isn't likely to help- it might set them up for failure

Hugs to you for wanting good things for your close ones!

[Brewa2000 1]

Edie

I hear ya!

A customer and friend of mine had RNY a couple years back. This guy has lost more weight than I have ever weighed. Before I had surgery, I asked him about RNY and weightloss surgery in general. He answered all the questions I had. He said that however before you have any surgery make damn sure you WANT to lose weight and are willing to do what it takes.

Since I've had my LB I have been of the same belief. I will answer any question that I can. I will NOT however try to talk some one into surgery. They have to decide it's time to do something. If losing weight is less important to them than eating "normal" and you keep needling them, you become an Amway salesperson to them.

Bottom line, you are doing the right thing. It's real hard sometimes, isn't it?

BTW I'm a dog lover too. Two golden retrievers and a saint bernard.

Bruce

[derbygirl 0]

Don't push people to have the surgery. I found it rude when people did that to me. It made me feel like that person couldn't accept me the way I was.

[edieparks 2]

Yes are so right Derby.

That is where I have my pain. I cannot make them see the light.

I am suffering for them in silence.

I don't have a problem with large people. Hell I was morbidly obese for 20 years. It is their health I worry about.

That is why I went for band.

The looking better is a bonus.

edie

[RKidder 0]

Edie,

I know how you feel, hun... I have loved ones I would like to shake them and tell them there is a better way to lose the weight - they have been to as many programs as I, but always stop short of having "that surgery". I can only share how much better I feel - that is, when they ask - I don't offer my experience unsolicited. I am only 3 weeks post-op, but I fell great.

DOG LOVER ---> Doxie owner here - actually, she owns me at times.

[GayleTX 1]

It's hard to keep your lip zipped, isn't it!! Our situation is comparable to that of a recent regious convert .....we feel so much happier and hopeful for the future that we want to shout 'hallelujah" and we want EVERYONE to get the spirit and march to Gloryland with us!! Instead, our 'preaching' can very easily make people want to run the other way when they see us coming! So we just have to get it right for ourselves and be a good example and hope they'll want to follow. But it's hard!

[mariecarmen 1]

Reformed smokers tend to preach the evils of smoking. My husband, a big-time smoker can't tolerate the hypocricy of their "well-meaning," I've-seen-the-light-advice.

I never needed anyone to tell me I was fat and I should lose weight. I did something about it when I was ready. Some people are never ready.

Love the person, not the body. They're unhappy enough about it without thinking you're pushing them.

[valzie 0]

Hi edie I just wanted to say that if they were there for you throughout your hole journey with the band than they should know that the good outweighs the bad. However they are responsible for them and you for you. You cannot make them do anything. I am sure that they will hit a point and when they do just be there for them. The serenity prayer is a great prayer: God grant me the strength to accept the things I cannot change, change the things I can and the strength and the wisdom to know the difference.

Hope this helps.

[Jachut 487]

I try never to preach, I dont even talk about it really with my one or two very obese friends, both of whom have been nothing but supportive of me. I do mention it to my DH every now and again because at a BMI of 31 he could get banded in Australia and I think it would benefit him, he is a very healthy eater but a volume eater.

But what seemed such a clear path to me just does not look that way to others. Perhaps they dont think about their wieght the way you do about yours? Perhaps they dont *really* want to lose it, perhaps they are afraid of other things.

I know with my DH, Aussie blokes drink beer and they go on fishing trips and eat hamburgers cooked on the boat, not tuna salads. Doug is afraid his social life would have to change more than he is prepared for due to being banded and actually he's probably right. I've been super duper extraordinarily lucky with how easy I've found being banded, but as a female, I have been on said boat and cooked said hamburgers and eaten mine daintily with a fork without the bread. That's Ok for girls, its not the way Aussie men behave, lol.

I do find I've become a bit like an ex smoker though - in my mind, I keep my lip zipped. I actually find myself more judgemental and less empathetic towards obese people becuase I've seen a clear path and followed it and gotten the results, I think "for crying out loud, pull your socks up and DO something".

[cyndilou29 0]

Don't know if this story will help but here goes. I was heavy all my life and so was my mother-in-law, brother-in-law, sister-in law and a few friends. I never considered surgery, I thought it was a cop out. Well, my mother-in-law got banded and I saw her losing weight effortlessly (or so I thought. BOY was I wrong!). She told me she was banded and I secretly snickered at her. Well, I stopped snickering when she got down to my size. I realized I needed to fix this issue too, first for vanity reasons but after that faded (really quickly) for health reasons. She said she did it for my kids (her grandkids). She said she wants to dance with them at their weddings. It really stopped me because I thought I might be the one who's not there. She was a great example, she never lectured me, never bragged. She was just a great example of what I could accomplish if I wanted it as much as she did.

[derbygirl 0]

She was a great example, she never lectured me, never bragged.

What I'm saying may actually belong more in the "Jeaousy" thread, but don't you feel like you have to Celebrate in silence with the lapband? Sometimes I'm so excited that I've lost a few pounds in one week that I want to tell everyone I see. Of course, I don't, but it seems like I can't share my happiness with anyone anymore. My weight loss has become the elephant in the room. I don't mention it and neither does anyone else. I think it's pretty bad that I can't share my excitement without it possibly being viewed as bragging. This is a life-changing experience. It's not easy to go it alone in the good times or the bad.

[WASaBubbleButt 41]

I have come to the realization that we are all on our own path in life. Whether it involves spirituality, religion, obesity, smoking, gambling, alcoholism, it doesn't matter. It is our path and it isn't for another to change. Sometimes people have to go through their "stuff" and deal with their issues before they are ready to change something. Sometimes their fat, their smoking, their whatever... it is teaching them something and it isn't ours to take it away from them until they are ready. Besides, you aren't really going to convert anyone that isn't ready anyway so leave them alone and let them do their own thing in life. When they are ready they will come to you IF they feel comfortable in doing so. If you push today... not only will it do no good but it will keep them from coming to you when they are ready someday.

Keep in mind, they might not ever be ready. That isn't something you have control over.

[Marimaru 7]

Edie,

It's highly likely that as they hear about you doing things they have trouble/aren't able to do, they'll reconsider. You know, hiking, roller coasters, etc, etc.

We all head our 'wake up call', they just haven't had theirs yet, even if you think it's standing right in front of them...

[edieparks 2]

I appreciate all the understanding and advice (keep my lip zipped) .

Set an example.

edie