Scared and unsure

[Roxie Malone 10]

Hi everyone. I'm new to this forum and there's a lot of posts just like mine but I feel I have to get it all out there if I'm going to feel better. I've been over weight my whole life and I've recently started all the pre-testing needed to go ahead with surgery - I've chosen the sleeve. I've never really been ill, I'm 33 and healthy - but I wont be if I don't change something.

I've been so shocked at the blow back I've gotten when I shared I was getting the surgery. A woman I work with (we're teachers) who was always skinny and a bit of a health nut basically told me I didn't deserve to have my sick leave approved so I could go to my appointments for the pre-op testing. She basically told me it was the equivalent of a tit job. I was furious. For the first time in my life, instead of smiling and nodding, I set her straight - she didn't listen, she looked at me like I was being a drama queen when I told her this would keep me from dying at the age of 45...

I'm terrified to even tell my best friend of 20 years that I'm doing this surgery. When I brought it up 5 years ago

she made it VERY clear where she stood - and it wasn't in a positive light. Her grandmother weighed close to 300 pounds and was able to loose the weight and has a "if she can do it, you sure as hell can, you just don't make the right choices/changes and you don't take your diets seriously."

Then my father decided to put his 2 cents in. He, of course, talked to a nurse who told him every horror story she's ever heard - leaks, people not being able to eat solid foods ever again, not getting enough nutrients from their new eating styles and having serious medical complications. I know he wants me to be safe, and I want people to be honest with me - all of these risks are very real. But it's hard to move forward with such a scary, life altering procedure when your own dad is freaking you out!

I'm trying to get around one fact in my head. I know that pre-surgery and for the rest of my life I have to make HUGE dietary changes and I want to! I DESPERATELY want to - but I just keep thinking "if I can make these changes, why can't I just make them without surgery" - that's also what my mom keeps saying to me. Can anyone else relate?

I want to make smart choices, I want to make changes while I can, while I'm young (ish) and fit (ish), before I have knee and back issues....but I had an absolute panic attack when I went in for my endoscopy because of the sedation and that's nothing compared to a surgery.

Any advice, words of wisdom and encouragement would be appreciated - I'm sure not getting it from any other source in my life.

[BLERDgirl 6,417]

Eff em'

It's your body and your business. Who cares what they think. They are living your life for you. Don't even waste the breath trying to convince them. Simply tell them, "thanks for you opinion" and walk away.

Then start to work on you. Join a gym. Start walking every day for at least 30 minutes. Cut back and/or quit sodas. Walk the walk while you are undergoing your testing.

Here's a good tale to counteract the horror stories your dad told you. I had the easiest time of it. Easier than my surgery to repair my meniscus and easier than my full hysterectomy. I woke up in recovery and was able to get up and walk. I had zero complications, zero gas and zero pain. I never used the pain pump in the hospital and didn't get the prescription for pain filled because I felt that good. I returned to the gym at 3 weeks and haven't had any issues with nausea and vomiting. Every food I have tried, I have tolerated. I have lost 80lbs in 6 mths.

This was the best thing I ever did. I should have done this 20 years ago.

[McButterpants 2,846]

You're the one that has to live in your body and mind...Not your family, not your friend. Yes, there's a stigma to weight loss surgery - people do not realize what it entails. Some may say this is the easy way out - I can guarantee you, that is not the case.

Here's what I know...I was not going to lose the weight on my own. I had metabolic syndrome, I was pre-diabetic, and have thyroid issues. What I would need to do to lose weight was not sustainable - I would have to severely restrict my calories and work out many hours a day in order to lose a few pounds. Giving it "one more try" wasn't going to work.

I finally decided to lose weight when I reached 256 pounds - barring marrying my husband and having my son, the decision I made on 08/21/13 was the best decision I made in my life. I decided to tell 5 people prior to surgery and have only told one more person since surgery. I don't expect people to understand my decision - sometimes I can't believe I decided to do it myself; it is a very drastic action.

This is your decision - people around you are going to have their opinions. I decided early on that since I didn't want to hear negativity, so I was very careful who I told. My dad totally did not understand - he asked me "Will you be able to give up all of those foods you love?" My reply was, "Dad, I have eaten enough bread for a lifetime. It's time to stop." He started to cry - he totally didn't understand. Now, he asks me about my diet and how I feel when I eat. He calls the surgery "a necessary surgical procedure". He sees how great my life is now and how happy I am - I am finally living the life I am supposed to live.

So, do what you need to do for you - this is your life.

[shellyd88 463]

@@Roxie Malone you don't owe anyone explanations for a decision to try and stay healthy and prevent future problems your the one who will live with the effects if u don't do it and get heavier etc ppl can't understand things they don't experience don't listen to ppl who speak to u this way if someone lost weight without surgery kudos to them it doesn't make u a failure surgery is a tool not a cure I'm nearly 6 weeks post op I smell things I want but know I shouldn't eat etc the food u put in is up to u the want will be there they just think if u simply eat less excercise etc blah blah well if it were that simple no one would be overweight it's an addiction like drugs and alcohol hmmm rehab would be out of bussiness if only ppl wouldn't drink or take drugs so think of it as rehab for yourself and tune out the rest I find that usually the ones who criticize are also the ones who whisper about and point at the overweight ppl and likely any other flaw they can find

[CanyonBaby 1,852]

Ah, how a person's true character is revealed when they feel threatened or jealous. How YOU feel about you is the most important, and I'm glad you feel strong enough to take charge of this issue that has taken over your life. Now it's time to take back that life, and people can either support you, or not. The thing is to NOT give importance where it is not deserved, and these people who have shown their true colors have not earned and do not deserve to go on this journey with you, so keep them out. All they can do is pull you down to their level, and honey, you have enough on your plate with this surgery that will bring the strongest man alive down. This deal may be the hardest thing you'll ever do, and you need good, decent , supportive folks who will be there when the going gets tough. And it will.

Start by getting yourself a mentor or buddy off of this site, someone who's been there and help you through it all. Do you have anyone at home or friends whom you can trust with all this? Another good place to start. Then get yourself some books and read all you can on it. Read any and all posts from this site to help you figure it all out. Remember, information is POWER, and you're going to need it in spades! You are NOT alone, ALWAYS LOOK FORWARD!!!!

[Blue Sky 89]

Apart from your Dad I don't know why these folks are so vested in what u do. Watch who us talk to. Your dad is coming from a place of fear. Do your research. weigh the pros and cons. Pray about it and make your own peaceful decision. After that, stand on it and share only with those you think need to know and have your best interest at heart.

[livingstone 137]

I get where you're coming from. It's really easy to say 'it doesn't matter what they think' but in truth, we ll have our support networks and we all want them to be understanding.

There will be some who just don't get it. They think it is the easy way out and they are wrong, but they will never understand that.

Then there are those who might just not be terribly informed. It sounds like your Dad may fall into this category. I don't actually agree with those who say 'eff em'. Remember that everyone on here has (a) lived with obesity and ( researched weight loss surgery extensively. We know the issues, we know why we need it, we know why we can't lose without it. But it's not reasonable to expect that everyone in our circle with have the same insight.

So what I think you should do is figure out who falls into this category, and explain it to them. Be patient if they don't get it at first. Ask them to think about why people go to boot camps or get personal trainers - it's because as humans we are weak sometimes, and we don't do what's good for us unless we are forced to. And getting the sleeve is your way of forcing yourself to eat more healthily. It might be worth bringing your Dad to meet your surgeon and having him explain the low risk of complication - especially as you are young, healthy and not super-obese. Explain to your Dad that you are doing this now because you want to do it when the risks are lower, rather than waiting until you are older, heavier and possibly suffering co-morbidities which will increase your risks.

I don't know how close you are to your Dad, or your friend. But what I do know is that you will need lots of support when you have the surgery. It is an emotional rollercoaster for a while, and shutting them out because they don't understand isn't the right road to go down in my view.

But as I say, there are some people who will just never understand, and probably don't want to understand. These people will not be part of your support network, so don't waste your time trying to explain to them - or don't even tell them. The important thing is that there are one or two people who you feel comfortable telling who WILL be supporting you - you need these people, and if your Dad and friend fall into the category of people you need supporting you, it is worth taking the time to explain to them. Not defensively, not angrily, not annoyed - understand where they are coming from and calmly and rationally explain why you want this and why it is a good idea for you.

[SeahawksGirl 36]

@@Roxie Malone

I have faced some of that same stuff at work and I just decided I have to worry about myself. I have to live with me everyday not them. Good luck .

[theotherfatgirl 134]

I'm going through pre op testing and I can tell you i have felt my first negative vibes. One of the girls I work with had something to say while she sat next to my best friend . My aunt had nothing to say as in she hasn't talked to me since my descion but I've learned to lean on the people that support me . I'm only 26 and my blood pressure was 179 over 99 and I was nearing 400 lbs I was shocked . You may be able to do it on your own pre op but this surgery will keep you going it's a tool no a resolution . You need to change regardless and sometimes we need help. I changed my diet now because that's less I'll have to loss later and I've already lost 25 lbs I'm 2 months pre op. It's not something you need to defend yourself with.

[Soon_To_Be_Slimmer 19]

First of all, I am sorry that you have had to deal with such negative reactions from people who you thought were your friends, and would be there to support you.

Now, having said that. Your experience is a perfect example of why I have severely limited who I have shared my decision with. My husband was first, obviously. Followed by the rest of my immediate family. And two coworkers.

That's it.

My husband and I have a large group of friends that we eat dinner with on a bi-weekly basis. These are people that we have known for years. Folks we are VERY close to. I haven't told them. What I may, or may not, tell them after surgery, is yet to be seen.

Like I told my husband. This is MY journey. The reason I don't want to tell a bunch of people is because I don't want to listen to their crap. I don't want to have to explain the surgery, and the reasons for it, over and over. Finally, I don't want to feel like I need to justify my decisions to a bunch of people who ARE NOT affected by the decisions I make.

Stick to your guns. Come here for support. We will do everything we can to help you.

<<<hugs>>>

[blondebomb 580]

OOOHHH don't get me started! I am so sorry you are dealing with this. IT's YOUR health and YOUR life. I tried for over 30 yrs to get STABLE weight and keep it off. for me in my situation I had several health issues that worked against me I am 51 and when 2 specialist referred me to surgeon for sleeve and when I was told by my endocrinologist that I needed the sleeve to reverse a few diseases or prevent from getting any bigger (I had gained 30 some pds in a matter of short time)I had hit at my highest almost 275 so I was headed to the 300 plus I said absolutely wasn't going to happen! I had to do something. you say your healthy now it is just a matter of time. I started falling apart in my mid 20's. when I went to the psychological preop classes this was 1 of the subject's talked about...I am 10 PO and over 100 pds down and even it was the hardest thing for me to go through it was mostly mental and emotionally but after my first month was over it was all good!! physically I did great. Best thing I ever did for me! these ppl don't live in your body and carry this extra weight so they are irrelevant! hang in there! it's none of their business and you don't owe anyone a explanation. when others approach me still I tell them I do a very strict diet and what I have dropped in my diet and I do a very strict Portion Control. In time I'll mention it maybe only if directly asked but it's my business. Keep us posted . the benefits definitely out weigh the risk!

[katress27 5]

Roxie, I am right there with you! I'm having the exact same experiences, second thoughts and emotions. Why can't I do this on my own? Why can't I just buckle down and eat a diet like the rest of those who have already had the surgery? The office manager at my work is giving me a fit about it and I haven't even told her what kind of surgery I'm having! She told another Co-worker of mine (who is an old and trusted friend) that she assumed I was having weight loss surgery. Where she got that from, I have no idea! Anyway, I'm so scared about so many things involved with this. I just wish there was a sure fire way to calm my nerves!!