THE moment..

HarleyNana · November 6, 2004

Gee, I wish I hada said that!

Zoe · November 6, 2004

What an eloquent message, Ryan. Thank you. I think every newcomer to this forum should read it!

leatha_g · November 6, 2004

I think we need us one of them smiley's with the big old alligator tears flowing out of it's face like yahoo has. This one just doesn't do it somehow.:cry The tears here are really sad tears. The tears that I have when I read something like Ryan's post are a mixture of sadness for what once was, but also a bit of gratefulness and happiness for what is yet to come. It's hard to explain, but once again, Ryan, you hit the nail right on the head. You may not read our minds, but you definitely go straight into the heart.

Iluvharleys · November 6, 2004

Great post Ryan!

athykay · November 6, 2004

I am in awe, I can't believe I have just finished reading about me, in all of you. You could take something from each one of these moments and that would be my life. Not being able to fit, embarrassment, shame, hurt, fear, and so much more. So glad we all found each other and can share.

I have struggled for as long as I can remember. I was in denial for many years, I used the excuse that giving birth to 3 wonderful daughters is what created this monster. But I was only fooling myself, I remember school days being teased, and left out. No one wanted the fat girl on their team. I remember avoiding stairs, avoiding restaurants with booths, cursing the airlines for making such small seats, avoiding parties that I used to love to attend, dancing, swimming, all things that I love to do. I was now to embarressed or afraid to do.

March 14th 2001 our grandson Jaden was born. I had found a new love in life that I can't describe. Grandma was proud, I had always wanted a son, and this was much better. As he grew so did I, it was a major chore just to have him for the day. Putting him in his car seat, packing him up stairs. What was I going to do when he wanted to run, swim, play?? I was so out of breathe with just the small things. I would lay in bed at night and think am I going to live to see him do all those things.

My mother had passed away when she was 54 and I'll never forget what she said to me when we first found out that she only had six months to live. She said you know I always prayed that I would live to see you and your sisters grow up. I never thought that I would want more. She said I do, now I want to see all of my grandchildren grown, my youngest was 2. We lost her 7 months later. We had lost my father in January of that year and now my mother in September of the same year. For years I was angry that my girls had missed the greatest grandparents in the world.

I don't want to miss the moments. I want to be there. I was banded May 21, 2004

and on June 26th our grandaughter came into our lives. It is now November 6, 2004 and I am 43 pounds lighter and I feel like I am going to live. And I mean live, play, dance, swim, and have the greatest birthday parties for my grandchildren.

Thank you all for sharing, you touched my heart in so many ways that you will never know.

Kathy

claraluz · November 7, 2004

Thank you, Ryan, for once again giving voice to my own feelings and touching me deeply.

As I re-read this thread, I am reminded that although I did have THE moment, I somehow let years of other moments move past almost unnoticed, without understanding that I was in deeper trouble than I knew. For me, obesity has been like my mother's Alzheimer's: insidious, sneaky. It started off with incidents that, while troubling, could have been considered to be part of normal experience; embarrasing, but something that could be complained about as one would complain about getting gray hair. Though on a deeper level, I was afraid and ashamed. After a few years, I no longer realized that these moments and the despair they engendered were something alien to me, a disease. I incorporated them into my sense of self. Eventually, like my mother, I found myself in a much smaller world and I could not remember that it, that I, had not always been thus.

Then I had my moment of clarity. I wanted to be healthier and I wanted to look better. I had a vague sense that having the surgery and losing weight might change me in other ways as well, but by then I had lost the ability to imagine a substantially better and bigger life for myself.

The biggest surprise to me has been the great, great improvement in my self-esteem. I no longer wait for others to go through a doorway first. I no longer imagine that others are thinking badly of me. I speak up when I disagree with a colleague. I wear new, more stylish clothes. My posture is better. I no longer feel old or feel like my life is substantially over. I recognize my strengths and honor them. I am studying for an advanced credential in my field and am investigating returning to graduate school, which is to say I have a plan for the future. I have experienced the return of hope.

I am in the middle of my journey. I've only lost half the weight I want to lose. And I still struggle to eat right and exercise. But if I never lose another pound, I have to say it is enough. I have found the path back to health that wasn't there for my mother. And I will be ever grateful. Thanks to all of you who have shared your stories and reminded me of my own.

Nancy