Fat Head

[XXShelXX 346]

You know it's really strange because I just can't see it. I remember saying to myself when I was a size 22 that If I just got down to a 14 then I would be alot happier. Then 14 was here and nope still so fat for someone 5:1"! So then ok maybe I will be happy at a size 10 then. Well 10 finally came and wow! what a pig I am! People really started noticing how much weight i had lost and I was getting compliments all the time. Then I met with size 8. I remember trying them on and saying there is no way on the planet that these are going to fit, but they did. So I look at the jeans and they looked tiny!!!! then I look at me and I look huge! how can this body fit in those pants????? I see fat everywhere. I mean everywhere. I asked my friend if it's possible that a size 8 now days is really about a 14 and they just changed the tags so women feel better. I was a size 7 in junior high and I know I was smaller then. So now i'm in a size 6 and they are starting to get big too. I told my friend I would like to lose 30 more lbs to get where I want to be and she flat out told me, "you have fat head". Umm yeah, and fat butt, and fat thighs, and fat hanging off my arms and neck and and.... she said, "no, you just see yourself as fat when you really aren't anymore". This is crazy. I don't think i'm going to be happy until i'm maybe a size 2 now. Is that not the most insane thing you have ever heard. A 2!! but as much fat as i still have, i think that's what it's going to take. So freakin insane. But seriously, are they making clothes bigger now and putting smaller tags on them? for real.... are they? This is not a size 8 from twenty years ago. No way.

[gal friday 176]

That's body image distortion for you. On the extreme end, you have an actual mental disorder, body dysmorphic disorder, which can wreak havoc in your life, but people with weight problems can just deal with body image distortion - we've seen ourselves overweight for so long that it takes time to unsee. I can tell I've lost weight, I can see it various places, and I'm down 4 sizes. But I don't see it the way other people see it. To my family and friends, it is a HUGE change. They tell me all the time how great I look, how much I have clearly lost, how great I look. But, my waistline, it still gets in the way all the time. My chin, I can still see how fat it is in pictures. The fat on my thighs, it's still there. I saw the thin me, once. I was 3 months out, and I saw her there, under the flab, the hanging skin. But the weight is what my brain will choose to focus on. I've been overweight for 15 years, and it's going to take time to for me to see the new me.