Worried and upset

[lapbanddon 2]

I am sorry - I posted this in the wrong forum I think, so I moved it here.

I had my lap band installed in July of 2008. I weighed 380LBS. I had some pretty severe fills and my doctor was pretty nasty most of the time. The last time I saw him was in 2010. I got down to 163LBS and felt and looked great - I achieved this weight loss in about 1.5 years so early 2010. Women actually were attracted to me and I felt respect for the first time in my life. My friends and family thought I was too thin. I am 5'9 and most everyone thought I looked great. I was wearing size 32-34 jeans and more often than not a small in shirts. I was a 36R and wore a size 15 in dress shirts.

I could not keep much down at all. It would come back up...and sometimes I would just eat and throw it back up into a 2 liter bottle. (I know this is wrong and I have a problem with food.) When I would go out to eat with friends I just would not eat or just nibble. I would drink diet cokes and sometimes this would aid in me eating. Often I would throw up.

I kept getting flack for being so thin from my girlfriend and family. I started doing "sliders." Milkshakes, blizzards, Soups without crackers, and started drinking mocha frappes. I even dipped into chips and dip and Mexican restaurants and junk stuff and home.

I gave blood last summer and I was weighed at 233, I was wearing a size 36-38 in pants. Now I am at a size 40. I imagine I am close to 240 in weight...I cannot bring myself to a scale...I would just break down. I was depressed about being fat and it seems I am getting fat again. I just want to get back to a size 34 in pants and wear size medium shirts again. I am into mediums sometimes larges.

Some days can eat a great deal others I feel super restricted and things come up. I am afraid I have broken my band. I am not in any pain, but I get hungry more often that after my surgery, sometimes I can eat an entire bowl of Soup with tons of crackers. I am talking a can of beef stew mixed with corn and some cheese. Its alot of food and many times it will stay down...and I can eat more. Other days, I cannot keep much of anything down except sliders.

I just joined a gym and have been eating a banana for lunch and having that stew concoction for dinner. I work out almost every day at high levels - I am 31 and was in great shape - I am a black belt in Tae Kwon Do so I can work out hard but I am not seeing results.

I know this is a rant...and I am sorry...but I want to be thin again....Help me get on track with good foods and what I should be eating/how. I feel like I am in a nightmare. I was a fat child and adult...and now that I have picked up weight again, not near 400LBS but still getting big - I can see in people's eyes the disrespect again, the "hey big guy," call outs when someone wants me to come over, or even jokes like, "you look like so and so just heavier" its cuts me like a knife.

[Bandista 7,466]

I'm so sorry you are going through this! I am some one who benefitted from seeing a therapist. It was a little tedious and I didn't want to do it, but I'm glad I did. We really dug into my triggers. I was willing to say I'm an emotional eater and leave it at that but we went way deeper to find very specific triggers. Also, it's none of my business but is your band too tight? It sounds like your started relying on sliders and that has led to regain. The links below in my signature have really helped me; maybe they will help you, too. Keep in touch -- keep reaching out. You are on the right track!

[amponder 396]

You gotta go back to a Dr., it is the only way you'll know if you've done something to your band. I know following the rules is hard I break them in weak moments, but it is not helping you and your friends meant well but telling you, you were too thin at a very healthy weight for you height didn't help either. Don't let people get in your head like that, my Mom keeps telling me 125 is too thin for me, I am 4'10 if anything it's slightly overweight. I hope you can dig deep and remind yourself why you did this in the 1st place, you are not too far gone, you did it once you can do it again. It's 60lbs don't wait til it's 100 start now high Protein even if you have to re visit the post op diet for a week or 2.

[KateP 359]

As others say, you need to get help to address mental attitude towards eating and I can't help with that as I have never personally been involved with therapy.

But your band issues need addressing. You were clearly very much too tight for a long time and that can lead to serious complications. Whether you have done any damage or not, only a doctor can tell you by doubt tests like barium swallows. We should never be too tight to eat, we should very, very rarely bring food back.

Until you can get such tests done, ant they really shouid be a priority, you need to go back to mindful eating. Measure a portion of dense Protein with veggies and a small number of carbs. Eat those slowly, walk away. No sliders! No grazing.

[lapbanddon 2]

I would love to go back - I have zero insurance and of course my doc does not take ACA. Sooooo....I did a little test and stopped the sliders. I have been eating fruits and veggies. They stay down....sometimes I take bites that are too big then I have an issue. If I eat at a "normal," pace I seem to be doing okay. I am not in any pain - I am just disappointed I have gotten bigger again. I would kill lol to be 180 or 190 again. At least at those weights I felt normal. I will take all of what you guys said into account and push from there.

What many thin people, or those without this addiction don't understand is for someone who has been down this path, degraded their whole life for being fat - school was horrible, dating in my early 20's was a nightmare, and the sheer disrespect people show a larger person stings. Those little comments of "big guy," "you are getting a little belly on you," "You used to be so thin!" cut so bad. I know they should not but it brings up childhood memories of being mooed at, poked with pencils because I could not "feel it," according to them, having gym teachers taunt you or even try to pull your pants up over your belly, I even obtained success in Tae Kwon Do as a youngster but when my father would talk about it with people they would said, "What would he do, sit on them?" It bring it all back - and as my waist grows my internal pain grows.

I talk to a therapist weekly about about all this and more, it helps to get it out, but then go home, and see myself in a mirror and cringe.

My grandmother saw me the other day, I see her about once a month. I had a tshirt on and she said, have you lost weight? I have been hitting the gym hard so that was good to hear but her even saying that outlined the fact that I have turned into el lardo again.

Edited April 1, 2015 by lapbanddon

[lapbanddon 2]

Back for an update. I did get in to see my doctor (charged it on a credit card) - we did the swallow test and all seems fine with my band. He did not unfill me, he said I have fallen into the "liquid trap" and that I had to commit myself to eating correctly and that he of course could not do that for me - he was unforgiving...but right.

I know this is my fault - I know that I let people get in my head. I was doing pretty well over the summer, I cut out all the sliders and was eating solids and not having much trouble when I kept portion size down. However, I still had PB moments and I did keep a 2 liter handy. My biggest thing is not drinking when I eat - It’s a horrible habit. I had lost close to 18 lbs from April '15 to July '15 then I was injured at work in July, lifted a heavy box and dropped a hernia - doctor found three of them! I was out of commission for weeks and due to my surgery I could not get much exercise. My girlfriend took care of me, I went back down the road to sliders...gained the weight back, and now I am still in 40's. I have had to go to large size shirts and I just feel terrible. Walking up to the counter to buy them makes me feel even worse.

My girlfriend has been on a weight loss program, watching her calories, for about 8 months now and has lost 60LBS - she said she still has a way's to go, I would estimate 40 more pounds I am bad with women's weight.

I am starting to feel like the fat guy in the relationship, she gets smaller, I get bigger.

At this point I know what I have to do...I need to hit up the post op diet book and start over. However, I cannot stand to look at myself in the mirror. I am not making eye contact with anyone, and feel overall pretty bad about who I am. My therapist says this is normal for someone who has had the level of emotional abuse I have had over the years and that I am my own worst enemy. I just cannot believe I am this big again. I cannot stand for my girlfriend to touch me when I am seated, I recoil as I know her hand will go over a fat lump. The other day I was seated at the table working on my laptop and she came over and put her arms around me and I tensed up and she got upset that "I won't let her touch me." But just the other night she squeezed my chest where I am getting a tinge of a moob - I have a pretty built up chest so no man boobs...but the start of them are there... I am thinking to myself "No, don't touch me, I am gross."

Again - I know this is a rant, but I had to at least get it out there and say it to someone besides my therapist. I am going to get back on the bandwagon the correct way this time - I will keep you all posted - I am hoping to get below 200 - at this point that is my goal - if I can get to 190 I will feel sooo much better.