SERIOUSLY? REALLY? YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS!

[gal friday 176]

Why is basic courteousness lacking online? Yes, I admit I have been in a few escalated discussions online but usually it was from a misdirected try at humor that didn't come across the internet or to someone who just wanted to inflict themselves on the world and I caved and I let them under my skin. We are in a forum to try to help each other. Being mean or judgmental won't help if you are newly healthy or looking for help to get there.

https://www.academia.edu/6016545/Trolls_just_want_to_have_fun

[Cleo's Mom 257]

Bullies abound in the anonymity of the internet. There are cases where those bullied online have committed suicide.

Bullies should not be tolerated on here. Those on here all suffer/suffered from obesity. They know all about face to face ugly, rude and insensitive comments. They have no more reason to accept them on here than they did in person.

The fact that they call out those bullies on here who are rude, harsh, insensitive or just plain mean does not make them "thin skinned" or "weak minded". I don't recall anyone saying they were "absolutely devastated" or went into "an uncontrollable bout of depression" over comments on here.

And if a person is hurt and upset by a remark that does not disqualify them from seeking WLS. That's called being human.

Don't hide behind the anonymity of your hurtful remarks and then blame the person they were aimed at. How hard is it to give your advice in a nice way? Apparently hard for some. Don't forget where you came from. You weren't a perfect person before WLS and you certainly aren't the perfect post-surgical person either.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

When someone's mind is already off kilter due to major life changes and maladaptive biochemical processes, something a simple as a post on a website really can be a kick in the teeth.

I hope your post doesn't scare off people who are, however temporarily, in a dark place, and are sensitive to comments, on the internet or otherwise. It is absolutely normal to feel the way they do and experience sensitivity to the opinions of others. I mean, the opinions of others are exactly why we are all here!

If someone is this "off kilter" and something as simple as a post on website can throw them into a tailspin, perhaps they should....STAY OFF THAT WEBSITE.

It's not up to me, or you or anyone else here to guard their every word or opinion because someone may or may not be depressed, hangry, claustrophobic, gluten sensitive, Republican, pre op, post op, high, stoopid, blah..blah..blah.

If we are all here because of the opinions of others, as you stated above, why should I have to censor myself? There are plenty of words/opinions/thoughts here that I don't care for. That's what the back button is for.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

I call it like I see it and rude is rude. Don't try to dress it up as tough love or blame the person it is directed at.

Wait, what?! You are the ultimate judge of who and what is rude? It's my opinion that what YOU think is rude and what I think is rude may be two totally different things. What makes your opinion of what is rude, FACT? Genuinely curious. Not trying to be "rude".

[MichiganChic 3,262]

I had to chuckle a little when I read the original post because I say the same thing to myself sometimes. Not often, but every once in a while, but I read something that pisses me off and I find myself responding....and the whole time I really am asking myself why I even care. The beauty of it is that we can just not participate if we don't like what is said. Usually I can

[Cleo's Mom 257]

I call it like I see it and rude is rude. Don't try to dress it up as tough love or blame the person it is directed at.

Wait, what?! You are the ultimate judge of who and what is rude? It's my opinion that what YOU think is rude and what I think is rude may be two totally different things. What makes your opinion of what is rude, FACT? Genuinely curious. Not trying to be "rude".

Like the judge who was asked to define pornography said - "I'll know it when I see it".

Same goes here. I'll know a rude comment when I see it and obviously the person(s) who complain about them do too. People who make them can continue ad infinitum, ad nauseum to try to defend them with all kinds of excuses about using back buttons, staying off here, freedom of speech and blaming the victim.

Notice how no one has to defend nice, helpful, supportive comments? That speaks volumes.

[Elode 8,093]

@@GreenEyes604 Lol! Dang what did I Miss??!

[GreenEyes604 753]

@@Elode Girl you know better than to stray too far away from me. People just love to jump on me because I speak the truth and they don't like it. Still have these flouncers running around trying to save the world...

[samuelsmom 670]

I try to govern my speech by keeping my reader in mind. I have no idea how the person who is reading this feels or in what state of mind they are in. Do I really want my words to hurt someone or come across as bullying? This is not a "free speech" issue in my mind. IMO this is a kindness and sensitivity issue. You can be honest and forthright without being unkind. I have also found that people usually respond more positively and respect people who are kind to them.

[TheMuse2 7]

Personally I think it is just a matter of being on social media. Nowadays people are more self absorbed and think that everyone should hear their opinions. Instead of scrolling past they make sure you are aware how they don't like it and that their thoughts and feelings should be put out for the world to see. I always think of that funny phrase "opinions are like a$$holes. Everyone has one and they all stink."

You're right too, that some people do get on here trying to see what havoc they can create. I understand where you're coming from I've seen and experienced similar issues but I do think that there's a lot of miscommunication. Because in type you don't have tone inflection. Many of us are taught in school to type and word things without emotion and in as few words without any indication of body language or tone. Many also automatically read in a negative voice. So they are automatically setting themselves up to be offended where the author might not have intended. I have that issue in text with my Hubby. I'll be busy need to make a quick response and he read it with a negative voice and asks why I'm mad. People should give the benefit of the doubt and move on if they don't like something. They are strangers. Even if they're not its not worth it. Surround yourself with people who lift you up and scroll past the clueless idiots.

[mrs kaje 347]

This isn't reddit... This isn't 4chan.

If people get so butthurt by 'harsh' comments on this forum, I'd love to see their reaction some of the stuff on these sites ????

[LipstickLady 25,682]

I call it like I see it and rude is rude. Don't try to dress it up as tough love or blame the person it is directed at.

Wait, what?! You are the ultimate judge of who and what is rude? It's my opinion that what YOU think is rude and what I think is rude may be two totally different things. What makes your opinion of what is rude, FACT? Genuinely curious. Not trying to be "rude".

Like the judge who was asked to define pornography said - "I'll know it when I see it".

Same goes here. I'll know a rude comment when I see it and obviously the person(s) who complain about them do too. People who make them can continue ad infinitum, ad nauseum to try to defend them with all kinds of excuses about using back buttons, staying off here, freedom of speech and blaming the victim.

Notice how no one has to defend nice, helpful, supportive comments? That speaks volumes.

I disagree completely. You can't go from being the ultimate judge of what is or is not rude to "I'll know it when I see it". You don't know the intent behind the comment, you don't know the tone and you don't know the history of the poster or the reader. All of these factors play a HUGE part in the perception of the comments.

Nice is kind of relative but helpful and supportive? Not so much.

If I tell you I drank a few beers on Saturday, ate 2 donuts yesterday and am upset because I didn't lose any weight this weekend, and you say, "Oh HONEY! That's OK. You just get your cute little patoot back on the wagon and you will be fine..." , that is not helpful or supportive to me.

If instead, you say, "What a dumbass decision. You should know better than that. Go back to your Protein, shake your ass in kickboxing a little extra, and don't whine about eating stupid s**t if you are going to make stupid decisions!", I would consider you helpful and supportive.

You might not think so, someone delicate might not think so, but the first answer--the patronizing one-- will only help ME justify my actions and repeat my behaviors. I got fat justifying my bad behaviors because everyone was too "nice", "supportive" and "helpful" to give me the tough love I needed.

I hate to break it to you, but you aren't the ultimate judge of what is kind, rude, helpful, supportive, snarky, etc., nor am I. Only the author of the post knows their intent. Everyone else is simply making the choice of how to perceive it, and whether to heed it, embrace it, ignore it and/or be "devastated" (yes, that was said the other day) by it.

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Yeah, I also wonder what spawned this thread.

EDIT: Found it ... http://www.bariatricpal.com/topic/335569-jumping-to-conclusions/?hl=+red%20+robin

I can imagine things that would be unacceptable to say in a forum like this, e.g., ad hominem, insults, and true meanness. But I've rarely seen anything like that here. I do see posters making suggestions and expressing strong opinions about post-WLS behaviors. Those kinds of comments seem appropriate to me on an online WLS forum.

I agree that it's important that we all keep in mind that online communication is nothing like what we're used to in real life. What we read here are merely words and emoticons on a screen. We truly don't know our correspondents. We don't have their back stories. It's rare (on this forum) that people even post their weight tickers, which I've always thought was, well, weird, but that's another topic. We don't know what our correspondents look like or their emotional states and vulnerabilities or resources. And none of you know me or my journey or my condition either.

None of us can fix each other online. My sincere, heartfelt advice might be just what you want / need to hear. Or it could really piss you off. Or it could wound you terribly. I have literally NO idea how you're going to react.

So if you're seriously offended or injured by online communication, you should spend less time online. Or, once offended by my commentary, you are always able to put me on IGNORE. (Go to your "My Settings" to do that.)

Edited March 23, 2015 by VSGAnn2014

[VSGAnn2014 12,992]

Oh, and another thing ...

It is intellectually dishonest to label someone who disagrees with you online as a troll or a bully.

Yeah ... no.

[LipstickLady 25,682]

Oh, and another thing ...

It is intellectually dishonest to label someone who disagrees with you online as a troll or a bully.

Yeah ... no.

"Intellectually dishonest"? HAHAHAHAA!!

That's much kinder and supportive than what I call this behavior.