Totally frustrated and don't know what to do

[JamieLogical 8,708]

he loves me and will support any decision I make and whatever course I choose to do

Well that sounds promising. Hopefully you can have a real, full conversation about it tonight and get through to him about why you think this is your best option. Maybe he can come to an info session or bariatric support group meeting with you to learn a bit more about obesity and why it's not as easy to overcome as he might think.

Obesity as a disease and food addiction are just VERY hard for other people to understand. Even if they are otherwise kind and caring people. It sounds to me that, his harping on your weight, is genuinely coming from a place of love, even if he is going about it in a horrible way. He wants you to be happy and healthy and able to participate in life with your family. Those are good things to want for you! He just isn't capable of understanding that your obesity doesn't mean you don't want those things as well. You are just more in tune with what it will really take to achieve those things. So try to educate him. Send him to these forums even so he can read the experiences of others. Coming from you he might not put as much stock in it as he might if it came from strangers. Everyone takes in and processes information differently.

[faith19evans 16]

I am so sorry...BUT... Your Husband Should Love You NO MATTER WHAT!! I am sure his nagging doesn't help you mentally either and may even cause you to reach for more food. What you decide to do needs to be for YOURSELF 1st! All will fall in line. Find peace within yourself and do what is right for you. I will keep you in my prayers and look forward to a positive update.

[Babbs 14,681]

"he wants me to be happy & healthy"

If he's so damned concerned about you being "happy and healthy" why doesn't he start with your emotional health and stop nagging and berating you about your weight?

He has been the ideal husband in every area of our life except my weight.

No, he hasn't. An "ideal husband" doesn't make his spouse feel less than. For whatever reason. Love isn't mean. Love doesn't berate and put down. Love doesn't nag.

Do yourself a favor and get some therapy before you decide to do WLS. Things aren't going to magically get better because you lost some weight. It's so much more complicated than that. The emotional work needs to be done, also.

Edited March 20, 2015 by Babbs

[Rogofulm 2,440]

I echo what @@JamieLogical said. Educate him about it today! Tell him all about the three main types of surgery. (I have found that people are fascinated by the subject.) Invite him to come with you to a seminar or surgeon's appointment. Believe me, the doctors are used to answering tough questions from family members. And if he still says that he wishes you wouldn't take the easy way out, print this out and read it to him....

A message from someone who had gastric surgery, lost 115 pounds, and is living below goal weight.....

Is this the easy way out? Well, yes and no.

Yes, because the smaller stomach helps me control my appetite and the amount of food I can take in. Initially, calories are restricted because of the lesser volume consumed, but good choices still have to be made every single time I put something in my mouth.

And no, it's not easy. Because in the 9 months since my sleeve surgery, I have:

• Taken nutritional counseling classes
• Been evaluated by a psychologist
• Been evaluated by a cardiologist
• Been evaluated by a pulmonologist
• Had an upper GI evaluation
• Had a complete physical by my primary care physician
• Gone through a two-week pre-operative liquid diet
• Gone through and recovered from a major surgical procedure that removed 80% of my stomach
• Gone through a two-week post operative liquid diet
• Gone through a two-week soft food diet
• Eaten zero starches (bread, Pasta, rice, potatoes, pizza, etc.)
• Eaten zero sugary Desserts (cake, pie, pudding, ice cream, candy, etc.)
• Eaten very few fruits
• Always eaten Protein first
• Always eaten non-starchy vegetables second (and there's never room for anything else)
• Had zero fruit juices
• Had zero sodas
• Had zero alcoholic beverages
• Eaten 80-100 grams of Protein every single day
• Drunk 64-120 ounces of fluids every single day
• Exercised 5-6 times a week
• Logged everything I ate or drank for several months, and again whenever my weight loss slowed
• And through it all, I get to watch my friends and family eat and drink whatever they want at restaurants, parties, holidays, sporting events, and so on....

Now, does that sound "the easy way"? Not by a long shot! (Just compare the yes and no sections above.) But it is a tool that makes the likelihood of long-term success much higher than it would be without it.

Edited March 20, 2015 by Rogofulm

[yoyolifechange11 18]

Thank you rogofulm!! I printed it off and I'm ready to have a open discussion. One of the things I am going to ask for is counseling again. But in the end, I don't see him stopping me. I've got a 17 yo daughter and 12yo son and a lot of living to do. I am contacting insurance as well but absolutely hate the thought of waiting. I want to get the ball rolling. I've lost myself for far too long

[Cleo's Mom 257]

I am literally at the end of my rope here and don't know what to do. I've gone to the seminars and scheduled my consultation appt in 2 weeks for sleeve surgery. I've not told anyone about this because "my weight" has become such a huge issue within my marriage and family. My husband views weight gain as a result of being weak and "giving up fighting for life". I've been my heaviest the past 2 years and they have been absolute misery. I've tried every diet known to man, only to plateau or loose so slowly that I end up giving up. I don't work outside the home so hubby thinks I should be "fighting for my family" everyday by going to the gym for 6 hours. Every morning I'm met with the "so whats your plan for exercise today?" instead of good morning or i love you. His nagging and negative comments about my weight have led to most of my unhappiness, which I counter balance by eating. I've tried and tried to talk to him about how he makes me feel, but he feels this is a black and white situation....I either want to loose the weight and will go full force with an exercise plan or I don't. Simple as that. If only, right?

So secretly I've been going through the steps and researching the sleeve surgery, getting my thoughts together on when and how I can make it work and as usual, he asks me first thing this morning what my plan of attack was with exercise today. I reply "eliptical" to which he starts the normal lecture about how that's not enough, its not gonna give me the results I need, I've gotta go hard, he thinks I would've had more results by now......so I decide to broach the subject of "getting some drastic done" to which he boldly tells me gastric bypass is nothing but giving up, taking the easy way out, how will the kids react knowing their mother wouldn't fight for her family, fight for her marriage. I said I wasn't doing bypass and he asks "what then"? and I refused to tell him. I said I didn't trust him, obviously I don't have his support, and there was no reason for him to know. He asks "well than why are we together" and I'm left thinking I really don't know.

I refuse to let him see me naked, we haven't made love in over a year because he makes me feel like a fat slob, so theres no way I'm down for giving myself to him in that way. I don't work, so I have no income of my own. Insurance won't pay for this, so I'm left wondering how I will pay for this without having to go to him and ask for the money.

I was finally proud of myself for being selfish for once and I do view this as a total fight for my family and children. Im trying to think big picture and make a true lifestyle change and because it's not a "6hr in the gym" change HE wants, it's not worthwhile.....

what to do? What to do?

You asked for advice as to what to do so I will offer some:

1) Find a therapist for yourself who can give you further advice about yourself and your marriage.

2) I see you as someone who is being verbally abused in your marriage. Bullied by your husband. That is not okay. It is never okay.

3) I hesitate to recommend marriage counselors because I don't often see them as very effective, but you could look into that possibility.

4) Next time your bully husband says "What exercise are you going to do today" - tell him obesity is a disease and you are looking for ways to cure this disease and surgery is an option. He wouldn't object to a person getting heart surgery if they needed heart by-pass.

5) Tell him the kids need to see a husband and father who is supportive and not verbally abusive to their mother.

6) You seem afraid of your husband. Contact a domestic abuse hotline and ask for advice. Verbal abuse counts too.

7) If you have somewhere to go - like family - consider a separation. Let him figure out what to do with the kids for half the time.

Your marriage is the issue here, not your weight. You could lose all of your excess weight and guess what? You'd still be married to a bully.

I know some of this is easy for me to say. I'm a very assertive person who is not intimidated by anyone. For stay at home moms who have no other income except from the husband/father and nowhere else to go I know it is difficult to leave an abusive relationship. Because whether you admit it or not that's what you're in.

Why won't your insurance pay for this? Why don't you look into getting Obamacare just for yourself? It's subsidized for 80% of the people who apply. Maybe find a part time job in the evenings to help pay for it.

Your post really touched me and I hope you find the courage to do what is right for you.

[Rogofulm 2,440]

Thank you rogofulm!! I printed it off and I'm ready to have a open discussion. One of the things I am going to ask for is counseling again. But in the end, I don't see him stopping me. I've got a 17 yo daughter and 12yo son and a lot of living to do. I am contacting insurance as well but absolutely hate the thought of waiting. I want to get the ball rolling. I've lost myself for far too long

Good luck! We're all pulling for you!!!!!

[blondebomb 580]

girl..I didn't read everyone's comments but just what I have read what you posted to me in MY opinion you can take it for what its worth and I might add I was in a marriage that even though my x wasn't controlling but he made little comments throughout our 20 yrs of so called marriage (which was 1 sided relationship) he ALREADY had no respect and a true love for me as a person and he made the comments to me that he "would LIKE to be able to see my ribs" after giving him 2 beautiful kids I actually felt the guilt and shame and I internalized and it really took a toll on me as how I viewed myself. it took yrs believe me for me to open my eyes to what was going on with HIM. I'm not suggesting ANYTHING but I had alot of MEDICAL issues that PREVENTED me to keep weight off and I yoyo'd for 35 yrs or so! it made HIM feel good to put in them nudges so da speak. I accepted him I was committed to him for life until everything blew up in his face. sounds like to me he truly has issues even with himself I don't intend to judge plz don't take this the wrong way I don't even want to sound like I'm attacking thats NOT what I want to accomplish here, but If I was in your shoes you already can't "seem" to win for losing if you know what I mean in your relationship. I would take your money and invest it in yourself and get my feet back on the ground with or without his blessing or support! your miserable if you don't and it will change your life for the best believe it or not! then time will tell what he decides to do. I have known a few men like that over the yrs. there is hardley ever anything a women can do to please a man like that (Im sorry men!! Im not saying this is all men I know theres a lot of good men so plz don't take offensive) but I was married to a man that in his mind "he THOUGHT he was trying to impress others" he was off his rocker! the mind set he had was NOT right. do yourself a favor and love yourself. I don't know if you both have tried couples therapy ..we tried it and he wasn't willing to make the needed adjustments in his head and EVERYTHING that was wrong with his reactions to ME was all my fault! uhh NOT! have you had a complete thyroid panel including the reverse and I mean ALL thyroid panel? I hope I have helped you in some way or other. If money is not the issue here go and do the best thing you can do for yourself and yea you will hear all the negative garbage and cunning cutting down remarks but ya know sounds like he is already been doing that and its not going to change and it will only beat you down that much more...I really hope you guys can work thru this but sometimes a women has to do what we need to do with or without others support! keep us posted! I would do it again in a heartbeat!

[CanyonBaby 1,852]

Ok. I will be the odd-duck and say something strange...do you think he is the way he is.......because he is scared of losing you? Sometimes people react in ways not normally expected when faced with the thought of losing a loved one (whether it is from illness, death, or to another). No, it is not an acceptable excuse for anyone, but it IS understandable. Fear is a VERY powerful motivator, and can block a person's reasonable understanding of a situation. Thus they kick into overdrive, take a powertrip that they hope will overcome the situation, and you are along for the ride. Men who tend to be overly protective tend towards this action, because it is, in their mind, an action. Something to do, a way to take the power away from the thing that is hurting you - in this case, your weight. Death from an obesity-caused illness can be fought, and this is how he may be fighting it. I am NOT excusing his behavior, but I have seen my own husband afraid for me when I have an illness he can do nothing about. A man being powerless is seen, by the man who is protective of his family, as unacceptable, and SOMETHING MUST BE DONE. NOW. I think that is why everyday he comes at you with a mission, a plan for the fight. The fight against obesity. Which may take you from him. He must do something, anything. He is afraid.

SO, what do we do with this? My approach would be to, as others have suggested, educate him. It's time to sit him down, explain what it is you want to do to fight this obesity devil, and you need his help to do it. Without him and his support, you tell him, it cannot be done. You seem like you want things in your marriage to get straightened out, so straighten it out! He has one option here, and that is to support you in your fight...it is YOUR fight! He can be the Robin to your Batman! You still have to do all the work with this surgery, but you will need HIM to prop you up, keep you on track, but in a good way.\

And the place to start is an orientation meeting of WLS. He either goes with you willingly, or is left behind to be an unsupportive husband, who is bound to lose his wife. And that is what I would tell him. This is YOUR choice, to live a healthier life, not just a slimmer life. He is either for you, or against you (Ha! Just like God, in the bible!). But you can't live a life that is full of secrecy, for that is a GUARANTEE for marital failure. Be strong. Be willful. Be free.

From what you just said about him calling you to tell you he loves you, sent a spark through me. I don't think, if he didn't love you, he would still be with you. Now it's time for YOU to take the reins, and guide your own life. It seems he wants you to do that, as well, or he wouldn't nag you about it. So, what do you have to lose if you tell him the truth about wanting to have this surgery? It sounds like you are already prepared for the worst, so get it over with, be the strong woman you are, and take charge. He can either go with you, or not. His choice. Your choice. Good luck to you, my dear, keep us informed....You are in my prayers....

[TammyDTM 391]

@@yoyolifechange11

I'm sorry to hear about your marital troubles. Strength will follow the tears.

May I suggest that when your husband gets up to begin his day, before he can ask you what your strategy is for weight loss is for the day, be gone. I mean, get out of the house before he arises and take a brisk walk. Work up a sweat so that he can see the sweat. Sometimes a man needs a visual. You know what I mean? After he sees that you have already taken initiative to begin your day, when he asks the inevitable question, smile and say something like, "I feel really good after my walk, I'll go to the gym and talk with the staff about a fitness plan."

The thing is, even if you get the surgery, you will need a fitness plan. And why not implement one now?

Stay positive. Have confidence in yourself. Don't let anyone steal your joy nor your faith.

Put a smile on your face and keep it moving!

Good luck to you...

[yoyolifechange11 18]

Canyonbaby, you have just reiterated all of the "muck" that has come out of all our marriage counseling. Hubby has always maintained that my well being is what's most important to him. He feels like a "failure" as a husband because he's been "successful" in every area of his life except w me (he's a successful owner of 5 businesses who decided to quit drinking 17 years ago due to problems with alcohol). He's got a fighter mindset and is able to make a decision and just do it, no turning back. So he doesn't understand how I've gained so much weight over the years as when he gains a few pounds, he exercises and eats right and looses them. He admits his way of motivating me doesn't work. I've do the "get up and out" thing to avoid when I can and he knows it. He claims his morning nagging sessions are coming from a place of love and all he wants to do is reach me. Ok fine, so I don't understand why he just won't let me do it? I mean I'm going to do it. It's just whether I have his blessing or not. I just pray he loves me enough to keep his opinions to himself and keep my business private. When weight starts rapidly coming off, I don't trust he won't tell people when they make comments to him. Thank you, everyone so much! I have felt so alone for so long...having this forum has literally saved my life.

[JamieLogical 8,708]

quit drinking 17 years ago due to problems with alcohol

Maybe this would be a good place to start when discussing your obesity and food addiction with him. He might be able to sympathize. Ask him how well he would have done at dealing with his alcoholism if he was still required to have a small amount of alcohol on a daily basis. food can be like any other addiction with the MAJOR difference being we can't go cold turkey. We have to eat to live. Imagine if he was handed a beer (or whatever his drink of choice was) three times a day and told to only drink one sip of it.

Edited March 20, 2015 by JamieLogical

[BLERDgirl 6,417]

@@yoyolifechange11 - Do what you think is best for YOU! WLS is just a tool, you will have to watch what you eat and exercise. If you think this will help set you on that path, then go for it. However my concern is the treatment you are receiving. Shaming you for being less than perfect is not likely to change once you lose the weight. In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if it shifted to something else. My recommendation is to work on YOU. Whether that needs to be with therapy, marriage counseling, WLS or any combination of that find out what makes YOU happy and healthy first.

I was over 400lbs when I had my surgery . Guess what? I ALWAYS felt pretty! I just wanted to be a healthier me. Do not allow anyone to ever make you feel un-pretty!

PS. - Don't confuse love with control.

Edited March 20, 2015 by BLERDgirl

[CanyonBaby 1,852]

@@yoyolifechange11

So is that a good thing, or a bad thing? I guess what you, and only you, can determine is: what do YOU want? May I suggest going to the bariatric counseling (because we have to do that, you know, for the program) together? And if the counselor and/or your husband won't do that, can you arrange a bariatric counseling session together, once you've met with the psychologist? This will be different counseling than marriage counseling. But it will tell you and the psychologist whether you and/or your husband are ready for this. This surgery is EXTREMELY life-altering, in many ways. And it is very taxing on the emotions as hormones are released helter-skelter (anybody remember that book?! Gosh, am I old or what!!!), you say, think, feel things that are, shall we politely say; atypical. Definitely hard on a marriage, and if your marriage is rocky now, whew, it is in for a ride! I thank God above for my extremely tolerant husband, who has born the brunt of many a scathing remark............. Irregardless, we are here, we are listening, and we all care about you, so come when you need to, and find some peace....All the best to you.

[blondebomb 580]

Yes, that's exactly what he thinks. He thinks he's given me all the necessary time to devote to getting myself in shape, so he doesn't understand why it's not my #1 priority in life. Getting in shape and looking good so I don't want to hide in the house all the time is "putting my marriage and him first". He views my whole weight gain as me not loving him enough to want to look good for him, to put us back on the path of an intimate relationship, etc. I understand that, but I've resisted doing anything "for him" because of the tough love approach he has taken as his way of "encouraging me".

I would get a job, but I want the weight gone first. We have enough money that I can have the surgery, and I even have my own money with an advisor, I just hate doing this behind his back. And once I do it, I doubt he will respect me not wanting the world to know. He's all about having integrity and being honest. Ugh I can't stop crying about all this

my heart goes out to you...SMH :/