I can't do this anymore

[Butterfly07 0]

:help:Hi all!

I've posted in here quite a bit about my post band weight success as well as my subsequent divorce and battles with the ex.

But, I can't take the emotional changes that have occured following the loss.

The biggest thing is my kids. They don't understand why I left their father and I refuse to talk badly about their father tothem, and frankly feel even though they are older (18 & 14), it would still be damaging.

The ex, however; has no trouble at all in talking badly about me. Also, his income is 5x mine (at the federal poverty level) and he is buying them everything and anything from cars to major vacations. He suddenly is involved in their lives after being emotionally and often physically absent in their lives.

I have my daughter (14) every other week, and she is fine with me but very withdrawn most of the time (this isn't new, I assumed it was dealing with the tension in the house during the marriage). Sometimes she is fine. I have taken her to the doctor who checked her out medically & emotionally and she refuses counseling, and the doctor said it wouldn't help to force her to go now.

When she is with her dad, she "forgets" to charge her cell phone so it's "dead" and no one answeres the house phone when I try to call.

My son (18) lives away at college during the school year but for the summer he is living at his dad's. He says it's because that's where his room is (same house, I couldn't afford), but he won't even come visit me in my apt.

He too, never answers my calls or text or e-mails. I've tried sitting him down and talking to him, yelling, crying and about anything else I could think of. What scares me the most is he says that I am just "imagining" things and that he's being the same towards me as he ever was.

We were so close, he was nicknames "mini me" and we'd just laugh, talk and play together since he was able to talk, we think alike and could even finish each other's sentences. When he first went off to college he texted me, e-mailed and called almost daily.

He says he logically understands the divorce but emotionally wants us to have stayed married & miserable.

I even tried not calling hem for a week, but they never called me...

As a result, I'm forgetting to eat (since surgery have not experiences hunger), can't dredge up the energy to exercise, which I'd been doing every day for almost 2 years, and just don't care about much. I have been on anti-depressants and seeing a therapist weekly for almost 8 months now.

I changed jobs, residences, marital status, and cars (in MAJOR car accident in March) in ONE WEEK. My therapist says that I'm just overcome with all of the losses I've had so quickly.

Last two complaints - I work at a school and am off all summer w/o pay, have been applying for anything and everything as a summer/2nd job and everyone wants full time permanent or says I'm over qualified. I have no idea how to pay my bills and am very worried.

Also, yesterday my Grandmother was diagnosed with breast cancer. She's 89 years old, and the only link I have to my mom, who dies 3 years ago. My dad jets around with his new girlfriend and my sister is a selfish jerk who is angry that I refuse all her requests to loan her money (??).

I am blessed by a large network of friends and a wonderful new boyfriend who has been a friend for 7 years and recently became more, but that's complicated too...

Anyway, has anyone else experienced this and does anyone have any advice? I need to know U'm not alone and am very scared that I'll lose my kids forever.

HELP!:help:

[anonemouse 1]

I know it's small consolation, but your kids WILL get over it. Right now, they're hurt and confused and probably feel like they are being pulled in two different directions. And unfortunately, they are being selfish and attacking the easiest target, which happens to be you. They're teens, that's what they do. Just try to remember that they will eventually come around and will probably feel horrible about the way they are treating you. And until they do, we are all here to support you.

[Carlene 12]

Dear Butterfly,

I have 4 grown up children, all with families of their own. When the oldest went away to college (90 whole miles) it was one of the worst traumas of my life.

When #2 son married a girl from Ohio and moved 1700 miles away, I thought my life would never be the same.

Son #3 joined the Navy. I cried until my eyes swelled shut.

My only daughter....my other self...has changed so drastically that I don't even know her anymore. She lives about 20 minutes from me and I am raising her oldest daughter, but we see her maybe once a month. She is none of the things I raised her to be.

The older they get, the less they need us. It's the natural order of things. I know this all coincides with your divorce, but it was bound to happen, even if you had stayed married and miserable.

Take it from someone who has been there (not divorced, but widowed with "big" kids): do not store all your tomorrows in that big box that says "Mom" on it. Make a life for yourself, because that's what they are beginning to do. Don't be afraid to make plans for the weekend on the off chance that they might want to see you. They need to learn that calling in advance is courteous and thoughtful. Don't push the new man in your life away just because the kids don't like him. They won't do the same for you....trust me. And if you're going to take a trip, don't make it a guilt trip. Your marriage failed, you did not. It's a sad thing, but it happens all the time and even very young children adjust. Yours will too.

[Alexandra 55]

Carlene gives wonderful advice and knows whereof she speaks. Listen to her. And take care of yourself. :hug:

[DerickM 1]

While I do not have the experience of years or have any kids of my own. I do hope I can give my side as I am child of a "miserable marriage" and I think I can relate to your kids on a certain level and perhaps may be able to give you insight into the working of their mind.

Let me start off by saying, your kids love you, never think otherwise.

While your ex-husband may have motives such as "buying their love", it does not work that way. He cannot hurt you like that, don't let him, you gave your kids things money could never buy. Love, Comfort and Security cannot be bought they can only be given and received.

Look at it this way, if your ex was emotionally and physically absent in their lives. Can you blame them for wanting to make up lost time? A parent is a parent, if they are not "there" in some capacity a kid will feel the loss. I understand how angry that it can make you. "I was there for my children and he wasn't, don't they see this?!?!"

I understand that you are angry (and rightly so!) that after doing these things for your children that it seems like they have discarded/ignoring you, but they have not.

In my humble opinion, like a body lacking a Vitamin they are craving their father and will take him however they can get it. Instead of being angry or sad, be Happy! by trying to hurt you he is making your children happy by giving them what they need. Don't worry, your kids will need their 'mom' fix sooner or later.

If your ex is a big phony your kids will notice. Kinda like fast food, it may be filling but not satisfying. No matter how many toys and gifts your husband buys he still needs to give love in greater measure. If he does, rejoice! your kids will be happier and healthier for it. If he doesn't, you are vindicated and can enjoy a private little chuckle at his expense.

In the long run it seems to me, YOU win.

[faithmd 14]

Carlene and Derick give great advice. I have a step-son whose mother was like your ex. She and her second husband (my husband and she divorced when my step-son was 2), who she married about a year after the divorce have frequently tried to buy my step-son's love (and even though he's 19 she still tries).

My husband never made close to what they did, but he tried to play "Keeping up with the Joneses" and nearly went broke doing it so he started just spending time with him when we had him (I came along when he was 10). Camping, cooking, computers, building projects, etc. When my step son was about 15 he started hanging with the wrong crowd and having problems, his mother let it get bad and then called his father to take him off her hands. We did and that was the worst thing. She didn't tell him she was sending him away for good, he got mad at us and said we were keeping him from her! Tried to run away over and over. She took him back (of course) and still tried to buy his love (just bought him a new car a couple weeks ago).

After we agreed to send him back, my husband told him that since he wanted to be treated like an adult, he was going to let my step son call us. We didn't hear from him from January until a card came for my husband for Father's Day. No phone call. Then Katrina hit, we finally found out they were okay. No phone call. It wasn't until the following Christmas that my stepson started calling. He hasn't stopped. He needed to figure it out on his own that his dad loves him unconditionally and he loves his dad very much. They do change, they do need to strike out on their own, and teenagers are no longer our loving little snugglebugs. They just aren't and we have to realize we have done what we can to give them a good start in life and just be there for them if they need advice. But we've raised them, now it should be our time to enjoy.

Good Luck!

[faithmd 14]

I just wanted to add that your kids do love you, they are just going through alot themselves right now. Though I know you wish they would just talk to you about it and you could work through it together, they are teenagers and more often than not, they are loners (or talk with their friends). I know it's hard to do, but give them time and space and they WILL wake up from this fog they are in and WILL realize that you needed to do what you did. They know that you love them very much and they will realize that love is so much more important than a car or a vacation. It may take a while, but they will come around.

[Butterfly07 0]

THANKS for all of the support and wonderful advice. It does help to hope that someday the kids will see that I am still the mother that was always there for them.

I decided last night that I'd give them the space they need (will probably call them once a week) and left them both messages (shocked they didn't answer) saying that I loved them and would be there no matter what, reminded them of my phone number and said they should call me anytime they wanted.

It may not have been the best way to do things, but I fear that I am so close to the breaking point if I don't step back I'll plumet down the edge and never recover. This all has hit me so very hard, and no one is looking out for me but me, so guess I'd better start doing a better job.

My therapist said I should have better faith in the job I did in raising them and the people they have become and just try and give them the freedom to come back.

This is harder than the divorce.

I did sit back and look at my perspective last night, because I journaled that these are four letter words: Hope, Love, Need, Care, Want, Feel.

Then I realized that it's just a matter of how you look at them, the words can be positive or negative, it's up to me to make them into what I want.

I'm trying to hold on to my sanity and re-define who this new me is. I've lost 5lbs this week so far so one priority for me is to remember to eat!

Thanks again!

[BJean 16]

Butterfly your last post sounded lots better. And things will continue to get better. It won't be easy and it will never be the same, but it can be better even if it is different.

I never, ever spoke badly to my son about his biological father. Finally when he got old enough to think about that he asked me the question I'd been waiting for. He said, "Mom, if Dad is such a nice guy and you don't dislike him, why did you get a divorce?" That was my cue. I finally explained to him, gently, what all his father had done to cause the divorce. He didn't understand everything of course, but he began to understand a little.

Now he is an adult and his biological father has tried to all of a sudden be a part of his life. The biological father is extremely religious and has tried to give my son all kinds of advice about how he should live his life and be more religious, etc. Now my son says to me, "how did you EVER love him?" You will be so much better off in the long run if you stick to your policy of not putting him down to them. They will, before too long, put two and two together and you will look like a saint to them, compared to him.

A good friend of mine and her husband divorced when her kids were just entering college. The kids decided to live with him. They were old enough to choose. She was extremely hurt, but she understood because he had money and resources. He was happy and not struggling with anything. She was poor, living in a small apartment (away from their kids' friends.) The dad was having a free, exciting bachelor life. She was trying to figure out how she was going to survive. Then she had to have both knees replaced not long after the divorce. Neither of her children, or her ex-husband were willing to help her out. She did all of the rehab on her own. She struggled through it for months and just about the time she thought she wouldn't be able to do it, she realized how strong she was and that she actually COULD do it. She and her kids are now closer than ever. They don't live with either of their parents now (the father wound up driving them crazy with his demands) but they spend almost all their free time with her.

Think about it for a minute. If you're a young person, where would you rather be? Hanging at a place where things are upbeat, where there's no sadness, no stress? Or at a place with someone who is deeply wounded and frightened and stressed?

It doesn't have anything to do with their feelings for you. They probably love you a whole, whole lot. But they are just trying to survive in all of this too. And the most comfortable place they can be, in their previous home, is what feels the most stable for them right now.

Once you get into a more comfortable routine and you find your way and start working toward the goals you wish to achieve, you will be happier and they will be more comfortable being around you. Right now, it is very important that you heal from the divorce. You are undoubtedly wounded and have so much to sort out in order to map out the rest of your life. Take this time to get it together and I think you'll realize, like my friend did, that the divorce may have been the best thing that ever happened to you.

[Butterfly07 0]

Thanks BJean, you give excellent advice.

This past weekend was much better, after they came home from their trip with their father, my daughter came to me for the week and ranted about how upset she was that her dad's new girlfriend stayed at the house and watched the animals while they were away.

I had no idea, and one of the dogs is my daughter's and she said she would have rather I watched the dog (I gave it to her when it was a puppy years ago), she was upset that she wasn't consulted, upset that "her" things were all over the house, thet "She" had replaced my daughter's CD in ex's car with one of her own and misplaced daughters, and that dad spend so much time on the phone with "her".

I encouraged her to talk to her dad about her feelings and she said that she was also upset that he is hiding the relationship and doesn't even know this woman's name. As much as it pained me, I told her that her father may just be trying to do the right thing by not introducing them until the relationship lasts a bit longer, that perhaps he was concerned for daughter's reaction to the new woman in his life. I also said that perhaps it wasn't something that he felt was her business.

She said that even though she's 14 she is very intelligent and I agreed, but I said that until you are an adult, sometimes it's hard to see a situtation from the adult's perspective. I encouraged her to keep communication open with him and to let him know if something was bugging her. I said I was thankful she had shared her feelings with me and hoped she would continue to do so.

She didn't ask me if I was dating anyone (thankfully), but she did ask me that if I got serious with someone I would tell her, and I said yes, if I became serious w/someone I would let her know. The man I'm dating knows her because we used to work together and she knows him well, but neither of us is ready to go "public" yet, the transition from friends to more is new and we're feeling out way.

Also, my son's big group of friends (since 4th grade) wound up coming over my apartment on saturday and so did he, they spent about 5 hrs with me (they always used to hang with me and call me mom). Since they went off to college this year I hadn't seen much of them and they have always been a great group and they have been great during the divorce.

My son said he appreciated me having them all over and had a good time. Small steps, but I'm trying to focus on that.

I know things are still going to be up and down with them, but I'm heading down to re-enroll in college to finish my degree (on-line classes), interviewing like mad for a summer job (work at a school, no income over summer) and thanks to wonderful friends am being taken on an all expenses paid trip for 3 days this week.

How do you all think I handeled everything? Any more suggestions?

[BJean 16]

Butterfly you just made my day! Everything you told us about your interaction with your two kids, sounds fantastic. Your responses to their reaching out to you were perfect and it means so much to them in this very upsetting time in their lives. They need to be able to grouse about their dad to someone and it is the best possible scenario is if they are able to talk with you about him without any criticism or any "I told you so's" You did GREAT!!!

You're going to be going through lots of stages during this time of transition. You're bound to want to vent and get it all off your chest. This is a great place to do it. I think all you'll get is support from the good people here. In fact, many of us have been through similar experiences and know how difficult this whole thing is for you.

I am so impressed too when I looked and noticed your 91 lb. loss!!!! Eat my heart out! I know you're concerned because you're forgetting to eat, and you do need to keep your metabolism up and running, but it sure sounds good to me to be in a place where you're not consumed with thoughts about where you're going to find the next great thing to eat.

Any advice for me about that? I was banded in September and I've lost around 40 lbs., all in the first few months. The last 3 months I have not lost a pound.

[DerickM 1]

I think you are doing wonderful! I told you your kids would need their 'mom fix' sooner or later lol!

By allowing the kids to set the pace, you will allow them time to recover and more important, for you to recover.

When you decide to reveal your new boyfriend to your kids, my advice is to talk with him beforehand and ask him if he is just willing to be "in the background" just for a little while at least. Again, allowing your kids to set the pace is important because it does not sound like their father is doing that and look at how your daughter feels about it.

After a little while, ask your daughter how SHE feels about the situation and take your cue from there. In my experience (remember, there are always variables) If your daughter accepts your new boyfriend, so will your son, he will take his cue from his little sister. Ask your daughter how your son feels about it if you can.

[DerickM 1]

By the way, feel free to PM me if you have any questions or need clarification on something I said.

[Marimaru 7]

Butterfly,

It sounds like you are doing much better than from your first post and I am glad to see that. I'm 25, not a parent yet, so this is the 'kids' point of view. When my mom left my dad, I was 9 or so, and she sat me down and told me she was leaving. I demanded to know why, so she told me. She told me in a factual way, not in a 'bash the dad' way. I think that if you feel your kids are mature enough to handle it, you could tell them the factual reasons behind the divorce.

Knowing what was going on with my parents help me deal with a lot of things at my dad's house before my mom got custody of my sisters and I. Your kids are older than that, but it still might be good for them to know.

Both of my sisters went through some kind of 'falling out' with my mom or some period, and after that happened, they came back to her, and they are closer to her than ever. I've always been very close with her, and I'm actually moving away this year in order to do some of the growing up my sisters did while they were away from her. It's hard for me, since we aren't fighting and there's know 'reason' behind it, but we both know it is a good thing. My mom did everything in her power to raise people she could be friends with, which has worked, but there's still some of those parental things we need to get through .

[Big As Life 0]

Move on with your life....May your life what you want it to be....The kids will come back, just don't sit at home waiting on them...get out there and live your life and enjoy it...spend time with this new boyfriend...