The beginning....

[smile121 66]

So I wanted to record my journey somehow, i was thinking about starting a blog, but because I am still on the fence about that, I am going to log my journey here. This way I can look back and see the struggles, and the rewards.

I have been overweight for a lot of my life. I am an emotional eater, I use food for love, for friendship, for boredom, for social purposes.. pretty much for everything. Food is definitely a drug for me. Well, let me rephrase, sugar, high fat foods, and salt, are a drug for me. I am most definitely not addicted to veggies. Lol

I have dieted for most of my life. I have gained and lost hundreds of pounds. I have tried pretty much every diet there is, and I have been successful in losing the weight… now keeping it off is another issue all together. My issues with food are primarily emotionally driven, and fear driven. I believe that food provides a certain high for me, and I turn to it whenever I start to feel scared. Let me explain that point a little bit, so I am 34 and single. I have had a good number of boyfriends and dates… but I have realized with dating, that I don’t have a lot of “self-worth” which leads me to date emotionally unavailable men, where I am over-compensating their lack of effort. When I come across an emotionally available man, I find something wrong with them, like if this guy is so great, why would he want me? There must be something wrong with him.. So I run from them. I find that when I “diet” lose a significant amount of weight, and start getting attention from men, I go for the “safe” man, the one that isn’t willing to give too much.. and when that inevitably fails and the relationship starts to fall apart, I EAT… I eat to protect myself, to make myself invisible again, and to keep myself safe. It is a vicious cycle!!! It is almost as if, I attract these men to prove to myself that I am not good enough, and like every self-fulfilling prophecy, when it happens, I want to protect myself from it ever happening again. In the back of my mind, I think… if I could just convince this man, that definitely likes me, but doesn’t want to fully commit, to commit to me – well then I have won, and then I will know I am good enough. Yeah, not so healthy, right?

Now don’t worry guys, I am in therapy, and have been for the most part of 10 years. I am working through these issues, I know where they stem from (an unavailable parent, and rocky childhood) and I really want to move past them. In the past few years I have turned to spirituality and meditation which has helped me tremendously!!

Last April, after losing 50+ pounds, I started dating a man who really liked me, and was extremely attractive! I really liked him, we started a relationship, and although there were red flags about some commitment issues, because they were not as BRIGHT red as past relationships, so I still moved forward. He cared about me, and showed me, he was there for me, and wanted to be a part of my life, but when push came to shove, he didn’t want the commitment that I wanted. Even though I knew it wasn’t my fault, this time, and even though I had evolved enough to realize that his fears had nothing to do with my self-worth.. my old friend, food came back into play. I gained 70 pounds since April of 2014. I know why I gained the weight, I wanted to “protect” myself from being hurt again. In the process of gaining weight, and in the process of losing hope that I will never lose weight and keep it off, I did some serious inner work. LOADS of self-reflection, and I am really grasping the concept of self-love (which is not coming easily…lol) I was working with my therapist on all of this, and truly feel like I am grasping these things and accepting myself with my flaws instead of constantly trying to be something that I am not. So we started talking about the next step, how can I get the outer me to match the inner me? She suggested that with all of my work over that I have done over the years, that I should consider weight loss surgery. I started doing research and I decided that at this point in my life, I think I would be mentally and emotionally ready for that kind of change. I think it would be a great tool for me to use so that I don’t turn to food for comfort, and I am forced to use the methods that I have been working on over the past few years. I want to take the first 18 months like I am a baby learning new ways to cope with life, and not relying on my “false friend”.

So that is where my journey started, since then I have found a surgeon and I am working on my preop requirements. I am hoping to get sleeved in May. I am definitely scared that I will fail, and I am scared of long term results, but I am ready to try. Being the size I am now, is not only hindering my confidence, but it is hard to move! Joint pain is real! And I am tired of not being able to run around all day without getting tired. I feel like a 50 year old woman at 34. I don’t want to worry about not being able to fit into a seat, or a booth. I don’t want worry about not fitting in an airplane seat. I don’t want to think about how I am a hop skip and a pound away from having diabetes. I don’t want to think about the fact that I may not be able to have children because of my size. I don’t want to worry about summer coming, and how I need to really lose 20 lbs before I will wear a dress. Or looking at all the clothes in my closet that range in sizes that do not fit me. I don’t want my life to revolve around food. I don’t want to worry that I will not have enough to eat. I don’t want my world to revolve around a number on the scale. I want to feel good about myself, and loosen, if not completely remove the shackles that are my weight. I am ready for this. I know it is going to be hard work, I am not afraid of working hard…. But I am afraid that if I keep gaining weight, I will never be able to lead the active life that I want. So this is it, this is my most drastic and final attempt at significant weight loss. I know I can do it! Here we go!

[sallyomalley67 77]

We lead similar lives my friend. I am glad to see you on the path and look forward to see you push through hurdles you never imagined you could conquer!

[smile121 66]

Thank you! Have you had the sleeve? If so how is it working for you?

[sallyomalley67 77]

I did. I got sleeved on 2/27. Today will be the beginning of week 3 for me and.i move up to full liquids. Soup! I cannot wait for Tomato and roasted red pepper Soup. Lol And yogurt. And amd and. Hahaha If this os the hardest part of our new life I.will definitely take it. My stats;

HW 338

Pre surg W 308

Day i came back from sug i weighed 316

CW 290.0

So i lost 18lbs plus the 8lbs of fluids they pumped into me already. ????