From Tears to Words to Joy

[Mary Jo Rapini 72]

“Words are tears that have been written down. Tears are words that need to be shed.

Without them, joy loses all its brilliance and sadness has no end.” Paulo Coelho

Via Mary Jo Rapini’s food Addiction Group

Karen Askins Nov. 17, 2014

It all started out as another lie, not one intention to ever try-

Once again I wanted an easy fix, because I was up to my usual tricks.

I knew the words I needed to say, for her required signature to start me on the way-

This time surgery would be the lucky charm, hopefully there would no lasting harm.

She probably knew as well as I, that I was sick and would probably soon die-

If I didn't get myself together, and start making me a whole lot healthier.

I wanted to believe that it was only about food, not about everything that was affecting my mood-

But she said I was eating to not deal with life’s pain, adding up yearly to a significant weight gain.

I have always latched on to some current craze, the other surgeries, pills, diets, and starvation days-Maintenance was the problem that was never addressed, it would always come back quicker than I confessed.

Just twelve steps, how hard could that be? I decided to try and just kind of see-

So the first month I did as little as I could, of all the work I was told that I should.

Step two was the first time I wrote in the book, I thought I'd write anything- who was going to look?

What I found was not what had been expected, instead of a diet plan, it was like church resurrected.

Higher Power this and surrender to that, what did that have to do with being so fat?

Be of service, have faith, and listen to the call, meditation and prayer were suggested for all.

What was the problem? I did all of that, lots of pretty feathers sitting in my hat-

This would be a breeze once a month to meet, I could do this group and not miss a beat.

The women there were all nice enough, but they had problems that were really tough-

And then there was the tiny psychotherapist Mary Jo, what in the world could she possibly know?

The irony of it all was that I already knew in my heart, the two words I resisted from the very start-

After time was wasted denying the fact, I finally admitted that I was a Food Addict.

That in itself was enough to make me blue, but there were also my legs and hands severely cramping every night like on cue- One doctor said Vitamin deficiency, one RLS, and still another dehydration, all I knew was I couldn't take the horrible, all night sensation.

The doctor had me try several medications- finally Flexeril, it would dull the pain, and he said, “As needed, just refill”- It didn’t get better on 10 mg. once a day, but he finally got it right when he said with 40 they’d go away.

I didn’t hear any warnings about side effects, my other medications were not really checked-

My mind became a blur and life started getting worse, I blamed everyone, God, and mainly the step study as my curse.

For months I thought I was going to be like my grandmother, who had dementia worse than any other- She was functional one day and not lucid the next, that was me all because I didn't want my legs and hands to flex. When I could think straight, I was really on top of it, doing what I could to get my mind and body fit-But it was up and down around and back, my emotions were like a roller coaster track.

I felt so depressed and couldn't always comprehend right, but I was sure that I still had pretty good insight- Still trying to believe it was a food issue and really wanting to win that battle, to try and not make every plate, fork, and spoon rattle.

The “win” was bittersweet as my “perfect” life fell apart, and I hurt everyone I loved with all of my heart- There was no satisfaction with me as the boss, and my peace and happiness were at a complete loss.

Beating myself up and causing more pain, literally drove me completely insane-

It was all I could do to survive. I hated the way I was living; my husband kept saying that I was just barely existing.

I was brought to my senses several times along the way, obviously though, I was still there to play-

Panic attacks, totaling our truck, being paralyzed by fear, weren't even enough to see my way clear.

I think I knew that the medicine wasn’t good but kept taking each prescribed dose, and it turned who I was into someone different, someone very gross-

It made the original goal to deal with food addiction, a journey that was more like science fiction.

Here I am in Mexico where I was forced to stay, mortified to wake up in basically a “detox unit” yesterday- Where everyone must have thought I was a long time street druggie, until they figured out it was a legitimate prescription written just for me.

The doctor took away the Flexeril, allergy, asthma--all of my needed prescriptions, and the pain started back much to my aggravation- They brought in food- a lot of fattening Mexican stuff, and when I refused, the nurse threatened to get mean and tough.

She gave me IV’s and a bottle of Ensure, and yelled, “You eat or you drink this!” as I tried to keep my composure- It was bad enough this mess I was in, no way was I going to eat that junk and screw up surgery once again.

Doing last minute planning just two weeks before my son’s wedding I was forced to get aid, my family cried and yelled that I should I have known better, but mostly they prayed-

And within 24 hours of passing out cold, my mind felt almost clear, and I had to get bold.

With plenty of time here to sort it all through, I asked myself, “What in the world am I going to do?”

Then there on the table left by my husband in plain view, was Mary Jo on Facebook clearly coming through.

Yesterday, Sunday, Nov.16, her post spoke loudly and went straight to my heart, that is what made me decide I needed a fresh start- The picture screamed, “Be still- I’ve got this.” It was a message from God, and her added words stung like a lightning rod.

She wrote what I knew but needed to hear, it was hard for me to swallow, but I gave her my ear-

How could I ever have been so remiss? Her lecture ended with, “… trust God to be God, he’s got this- his promise.”

I am pretty sure that I have been given a choice, self-destruct or stop and listen to His voice-

It is now or never, and now is looking really good, for me to be honest and deal with what I should.

All the fertility treatments, my children being my husband’s family blood and not mine, my mom’s death, my friend Barbara dying on Flight 77 on 9/11--all of that and more over time-

To be strong for everyone else I always pushed away pain, and sucked down the food with no way to abstain.

For several months I was crying most of the time and not actually comprehending what was making it so tough, but I think I kept trying to get through it because I was afraid of even more bad stuff- The confusion in my head sometimes made me think I wanted to die, but I had enough snap to question if I would get the chance to look God in the eye.

So I read and studied when I could, but I would lose sight, I was in turmoil, and it was like I was in a life and death fight- To be truthful the cause wasn’t really food, nor 100% the medicine, and definitely not liquor, I know now the actual battle was over control between me and my creator.

Realizing way too late that I am ready to begin, the opportunity of a lifetime that is quickly coming to an end- Wanting what I had started the step study for- a plan of action, to keep myself from eating even if it means being in traction.

Mary Jo sent the answer to that and much more- what an idiot I have been, the wife, the mother, the one who everyone knew to be the “wonderful Christian”- Knowing much better, I had tried on my own to run the show, thinking I would eventually win- I guess like at a Las Vegas casino.

She told us that she had felt God’s love. Not me, I went to Hell, but both had experiences we can surely tell- Grateful I didn’t make it my final destination, because I was given a chance for a needed transformation. Being as old as I am and with the “good life” I have led, no way should I have gotten so close to being dead- The truth is I did it to myself trying to go solo, sending life as I knew it down to practically zero.

Mary Jo’s near death experience was a blessing to us all, she was sent back with a mission and accepted the call- To share God’s love, mercy, and grace, I can tell it’s authentic by the glow on her face. She told how it changed her own way of thinking, prayer, surrender, service, and love all linking- How she helps people and how she really cares, has inspired me to want to spend the rest of my life in His care.

I feel that now I have a new purpose for which I must live, with love unconditional to receive and more for me to give- I have to let go and to be sure of my intention, and not just use this experience and God as a brief intervention. It's the gift of relearning what life is really all about, that the 12 step study journey gave me without a doubt- Something I never thought I would ever need, because I was always living “perfectly” I knew indeed.

My inventories and amends were minor to compare, I needed a transplant or a full heart repair-

May Jo said she pleaded with God not to send her away, but if He hadn’t, I would have never had this day.

To know with 100% assurance, that I do have it in me for the endurance-

It's really about how I used to live but more recently kept struggling to concede, the hardest thing for me was “the faith of a mustard seed.”

The food addiction thing will be for all of my time, always aware of why I eat and on what I must dine- But that’s not the triumph of my battle when all is said and done, it is that I waved the white flag and allowed God back as number one.

I am thankful from the bottom of my heart, for the group and Mary Jo’s words that guided me toward a new start- The path I took was awful to trudge for a year, but the journey gave me my wings and brand new flight gear.

I took the long road with all the pot holes and detours, but I finally get it I know for sure-

There is a sense of clarity and my mind is peacefully at rest, I am only going forward and will give it my best. The replay button has to go; it has to be left behind, in order to get through each new day with a clear, sane mind- I have done some stupid (mostly recently) things in my life, but the worst thing I did was cut God out with a knife.

It is hard to believe that just a few days ago, I was so bitterly miserable from my head to my toe-

Feeling horrible to be imprisoned that way, but now I am free, because I was reminded that there is a better life with the one who really cares for me.

Strength and help for everyone else has always been there, but I never took time for myself to receive care- I don’t have all the answers nor can I say I’m not afraid, but I know I can trust that His loving hands on me are laid.

I truly believe with all of my heart and soul, that our group was brought together each one with a role- Dana, Kathryn, Anita, and I came with one common thread, to learn to keep food from running our head.

I learned a lot about them; sometimes more than I thought I needed to know, but God used them all to show me the way I should go-

And that life is uncertain and forever changing, and that He is the only constant with love and forgiveness so amazing.

Kathryn with her wit, humor, and wisdom to share, already knew there would be so much more for me there- She’s successfully been in recovery for an impressive amount of time, a real testament to me that being an addict is no crime. Anita Joy was given the perfect name, her face and her smile allude to why she came- To help bring that joy and light to the darkest place I could know, because she shares His love wherever she goes.

Dana sat beside me just beautiful to see, ten years younger but way ahead of me-

She shared her heart’s burden and taught me a lesson, about judgment and compassion sending me straight to confession.

We were a small group. I’m sure there could have been more, but God’s plan was for there to be only four- Who would have guessed that the answer to managing an addiction to food, would be to relearn from all of them that God is so good?

They never had a chance to know who I really was, since for more than half of our time together I was totally buzzed- They were too nice to say what my children and husband told, that for the definition of a fool I had broken the mold.

I can’t believe I didn’t stop what was happening and see, the very thing many of my friends have asked for help for their loved ones from me- To steer them away from what could destroy their mind, the only difference was theirs were bought on the street and prescribed were my kind.

I didn’t have an actual near-death experience, but as far as genuinely living, from that I was the farthest distance- The painful lesson I learned which I want to share with all, is that everything will fall into place, even managing a food addiction, when your life is lived listening to the Higher Power’s call.

Writing this all down was for my often annoying, analytical brain, attempting to make sense of it all and understand that my suffering doesn’t have to have been in vain- It will be here to remind me just in case I ever forget, and going backwards suddenly becomes a major threat.

I don't know what the future will bring, it’s too late now, but I wish from the beginning I had taken more advantage of this 12 step group thing- We are going to disband. Each one will go her way, but I will remember and thank God daily for them as I pray.

I wish there was a way to make the ones like me who will come through this group understand from day one, that the only way they will conquer the food addiction thing is to give the program and their Higher Power their all even though it may not seem like much fun-

Mary Jo, please tell them for me that whatever it is on their journey they may face, that their life is worth the fight and for them not to wait like I did to claim God’s marvelous grace.

[Alex Brecher 10,512]

Karen,

Thank you so much for sharing what you have gone through in such a beautiful way. It is a reminder that we all struggle with so many things. Our struggles can cost us so much, from mental health to self-respect to relationships to even, as you point out, the ability to have our own genetic children.

Thank you for also reminding us that the struggle is worth it. Reach out for help, whether from friends or family, or from a higher power. We can overcome the challenges.