Mother disapproves

[ccol625 14]

Good Morning.

I am a 46yr old single mother of 2 boys (one on the autism spectrum). I started my journey in Dec and went for my pre op appt with the doctor last week. I had told my mother in December that I was contemplating the sleeve and she said she didn't think I needed it and that I should do it on my own. Needless to say, I am just like the rest of you....I have lost weight only to gain it back. I have been overweight as far as I can remember....1st-2nd grade. I stopped by my parents house yesterday for my Mom's bday and told her I was waiting for approval and looking at a surgery date of 3/31 and she again told me she didn't approve and wouldn't support my decision. I know I am a grown adult and can make my own decisions, and WILL have this surgery, but why am I so disappointed and sad that she doesn't give me her blessing and well wishes? I am doing this for me and my health. She could have said that she would support me even if she didn't agree with my decision. Moving on with my new life and health journey.

[JenWith 96]

@@ccol625 - I'm sorry you aren't getting the family support. I think it's more out of surgery fear on your mom's part. I'm sure she approves that you are doing something to be healthier for your boys. Maybe the thought of surgery is scaring her and she doesn't know how to tell you without scaring you.

I was blessed with husband support and my 9 year old has been my food "police".

Good luck to you! You will find lots of support here.

[ccol625 14]

Thank you Jenwith. I know my mom isn't supportive because it is surgery. She is a retired nurse so any kind of "elective" surgery is unnecessary even if your health will benefit from it. She told me it is a lifestyle change and that she wasn't sure I was able to do it. I don't think she understands that even though I will still have to watch what I eat after I lose the weight, I will be able to eat whatever I want, just smaller portions. Plus when I tried to explain it to her, she doesn't want to listen to me because she has already made up her mind. I am very close to my mother so this is heartbreaking for me. My 2 sisters are on board and think it is great that I am doing something to help me KEEP off the weight this time. 2 years ago I lost over 50lbs and felt terrific....as usual, when I started eating regular food, I gain the 50 back plus an additional 20lbs. I hate the way I feel especially since I know how great I felt 2 years ago. I had really hoped my mom would come around before I had the surgery, but maybe she will change her mind when she sees the results. It is my life and my decision and I am committed to myself and a better, happier and healthy life.

[Stevehud 1,790]

well by being behind you she would have to admit you have a problem and i guarantee you that admitting you have a problem makes her feel like she has failed as your mom. parents do not want to see their kids as anything but wonderful, and if they admit you have a problem that youve had since you were a child, they have to take blame in that and they won't do it. My dad was a food hoarder, he was legally blind and resented that he couldn't work to provide for us so my mom worked ( no big deal nowadays but back then ) anyway, he would guard food under lock and key and you could only eat at mealtimes, but he would eat Cookies and bake a cake and eat half or more of it himself and hide it from other people. as a result we came to regard food as treasure and the only comforting thing. my mom was obese i was/am, my sister was, etc. my dad refused to believe he had anything to do with it, and refused to believe any of us were obese for any reason because he would have to admit his ways were wrong. So i do wonder if your mom might feel like she has failed you if she admits you need help. Denial is a very powerful beast indeed.

I wish you well.

You Can Do This!

[x0CheekzVSG 77]

@@ccol625 My mother said the exact same thing ! I too am a single mother with a child who is actually scheduled 4/1 and every time we talk about anything that has to do w the surgery I get the lecture about " You know I don't approve of this and if you put your mind to it, you can lose the weight" BS ! I am right there with you so DO NOT let her put a damper on the best decision you will ever make!

I wish you the best of luck!

[MsAlaineus 63]

You will be ok. You're doing this for yourself, and that's what is most important. She will come around, especially when the hard parts are over with.

Edited March 11, 2015 by MsAlaineus

[ccol625 14]

@@x0CheekzVSG, thank you for your comment. My mother said the same exact words to me...it is so upsetting, however I am still moving forward with my surgery. Of course, my insurance company originally denied my request so now I have an appeal processing and I am still hoping to have my surgery on 3/31. If my appeal gets denied, then the office will request a peer to peer review. I was denied because my BMI is 38.73 with no MAJOR co morbidities. Fabulous I am not fat enough or sick enough to be approved...SMH.

@@MsAlaineus, thank you for your support. I am doing what I need to do for my health no matter what my mother's opinion is. She will be happy after she sees me healthy....altho I am sure she will continue to say, "well you could have done it on your own". lol

[fox99 19]

My parents aren't in agreement with my surgery either. I was surprised how upset and disappointed I felt about that. Even as adults we seek the approval of our parents. I wish they could be happy about finally taking control of my health.

[Essence46 493]

My mom didn't approve and convinced my sister not to go thru the surgery a week before her surgery date. (Her insurance would have covered all of the expenses). Now years later, my sister is much heavier, sicker and more depressed than ever. On top of that, she is now working for a company that won't cover it. She deeply regrets changing her mind. Last year, my mom didn't approve of me having surgery either but I still did it and it was one of the best decisions of my life. I told her I was sorry she didn't approve but I was SAVING MY LIFE and that was my priority. Good luck to you. I know it's hard. *hugs*

[ccol625 14]

@@fox99, that is exactly how I am. I was so surprised I was so disappointed and upset with my mom NOT giving me her approval. I know it is my decision and I will do it...once the damn insurance approves it....but I never realized how much I still rely on my parents approval. My father doesn't say anything. He stays out of conversations like this one...smart man...lol

@@Essence46, Congrats on making the decision and going thru with it. I feel exactly like you do. As for your sister, this is why I won't let my mothers disapproval hold me back. I know what I need to do for my health. I can lose weight, but I can NEVER keep it off. I need something permanent to help.

[bikrchk 1,313]

I get it. We're close to the same age. I'm single and my mom was to be my support person after surgery. I can't say she "disapproved" exactly, but she kinda went all "worst case scenario" with fear. She's watched my dad literally commit slow suicide by knife and fork at 52 and didn't want the same for me, but she was uneducated and scared about the process and post-op life. I found that I was not the best person to educate her. I took her to my surgeon's office and sat her down with the nurse coordinator who calmly answered all her questions and helped calm her fears. Might try it if she's open to it.