Insulting compliments

[xraymomma 19]

As the weight has been coming off people have noticed and felt the need to comment. Now I appreciate the kind words; however the delivery has not been so graceful. I give you the following examples:

Wow what happened to you?!?!? Are you well? Is it serious?

Hey look at you! No more hips, huh?

I can't get over your Weightloss. Your big head is gone! Well, I mean you know you had a big head.

How much have you lost? 50/60 pounds? (Only lost 40 at the time)

You look great! Almost to a normal size.

Look how beautiful you are now!

Now I know these people had good intentions but there are a few here that I'm like, seriously? One should never guess the amount of weight someone has lost. That's just asking for trouble. Also, I love the one saying how beautiful I am now, implying I wasn't beautiful before. It hurts to think about how people viewed my appearance prior to the Weightloss.

What's even funnier is that I'm still 10 pounds heavier than I was before I started at my job and people used to call me fat then and now they say how skinny I am. So weird.

[Pac-woman 325]

First thing they said to me was..."hey, you lost your boobs!"

[katesuccess 990]

My daughter's comment (she's a personal trainer - so looks at me differently) was "Oh my gosh - Mother, you have no ass!" Then she proceeded to add lots of glute work to my workout. LOL.

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

Well, I think it is clear there are lots of tactless people out there.

So, here is a funny... most of the people I work with don't see me as we work in virtual teams. I made a trip to one of our locations and a guy i have known (we had met several times!) for years didn't recognize me. when my boss told him - that's XXX he replied in a very loud and animated voice "holy s**t, (my name) you are HOT!" I blushed, it was a little embarrassing but to this day I recognize that as the moment when I started to see myself as something different than a frumpy obese, middle aged woman... that was a genuine, uncensored, no brain involvement compliment! haha

I Iove that stuff.

[Brandalyn 53]

Worst compliment, "you were always pretty for a fat girl, now you're really hot"

[CowgirlJane 14,259]

I completely relate. I mean, I was looking at photos of my lifetime high (was around 350#) and now I weigh about 155. The physical and appearance transformation is astounding for me to process, so i can imagine it was/is for others too.

What has been helpful to me though is see it positively. I think we sometimes feel that people "should have loved me for who I was even at 350#" but in truth maybe they did! They just didn't always know how to relate, I mean I was terribly obese, in physical and emotional pain and when i am self honest about, sometimes closed off and distant to people. It's amazing I had so many friends, work colleagues and even family who included me in social events, who tried to make my physical limits fit into their world etc.

As I lost weight and changed, although it often came out less than gracefully, they were genuine expressions of joy, happiness, pride in my accomplishments AND amazement of what was hiding under all that fat. I feel the same way! In fact, if I were to be even more honest, these people have been much much less cruel to me then I was to myself. They were celebrating for me even when I felt still fat and ugly. they helped me with the "how I see myself" changes because of their honest reflection.

So, I encourage others to try this same path... try to have some understanding of what it must be like to witness this kind of transformation, not really know the right thing to say but to still have some caring for the person as a human being. If you can turn around some of the messaging in your own head and give people the benefit of the doubt it will benefit you too.

Of course, some people are unlucky enough to have genuinely mean people in their lives, but I have to believe that is a 2% problem, is usually other obese women. My thin friends, colleagues and aquaintances have been my best cheerleaders.

I did have a couple of things happen at work that could have been uncomfortable. I was invited to a senior executive "meet and greet" and a fellow invitee freaked out and accidently blurted out how I looked so great, how did I lose the weight etc. Well, I was at a cocktail party meet and great and all eyes (executive) turned to me and I was suddenly in the spotlight. I kept it together and while answering basic questions steered the conversation to my motivation for change rather than other gnarly details... and it became part of a business conversation... how big life events etc can change the course. It worked and my boss later heard back that I really impressed a couple of the guys that heard my little story.

Another time, a senior executive (stick skinny female BTW) who has known me for 10 years came up to me after I had been at maintenance for awhile... she said "I have seen lots of people lose huge amounts of weight, but you have kept it off for a year now, great job, you have this figured out - you can do this"... and she walked away. That was one of the nicest compliments EVER. It was true - I did lose HUGE amounts and i don't need that sugar coated. It was also true that maintenance turns out to be the biggest challenge for many.

I had one work colleague be very weird about my transformation but what i realized is she had gained massive weight during that same time and she was going through something inside I couldn't see so i decided to just... let it go even though it was a little upsetting at the time. That was one out of dozens and dozens of very positive experiences.

[kasumi 37]

Most people have been really sweet...and then you get grandma, who has her own brand of being sweet. Her favorite thing to say to me lately has been "you're pretty again!" referring to when I had a significant (though not as much as this time with the surgery) amount of weight loss before.

[amazon 579]

I get all sorts of "compliments".

Today a colleague walked in to the breakroom at work while I was standing at the sink. My back was to her. She says "I didn't know it was you - you don't even look the same from behind!". Um, thanks? I just said "that's my master plan...I don't want people to spot me".

My husband reminds me to just say "thank you" and move on. But some of the things people say...I just SMH

Of everything said, I can tell it's always been from the "right place". People are genuinely happy for me.

[bikrchk 1,313]

I try to look at them in a positive light, from, "What happened to your a$$", to "Wow, you're hot!" And I can totally relate, the first time I heard those kinds of "compliments", and I do see them that way, or got cat called in the the mall parking lot or WHATEVER it is, and I began to see myself as something other than "middle aged frump girl", it WAS very liberating! You just have to LET it be! This life is 90% how you take it, and I'm determined to milk it for all it's worth! I'm also a biker chick, with an attitude sometimes so I have no problem getting in someones face if offended. It just hasn't happened yet. I giggle and MOVE ON!

Edited February 27, 2015 by bikrchk

[Rogofulm 2,440]

@@CowgirlJane and @@bikrchk have it right! Take all those comments: goofy, clumsy, stupid, or nearly offensive, as compliments. (If they're not, then they're from envy, and that's okay too!) Use them to truly believe that you are now the lower-weight person they're describing. When you see a slimmer person in the mirror, believe it. And don't look back over your shoulder at the heavier person in the rear-view mirror. Let that person go!

And the funniest compliment I ever got was, "Holy ****, you've lost a crap ton of weight!" And I loved it!

Edited February 27, 2015 by Rogofulm