Husband is so negative about my Weight Loss Surgery :(

[Stevehud 1,790]

as a man ill say this, it sounds like he just isn't ready, ready for what I call the one, two punch,

1 is when you look in the mirror ( figuratively) and say I am too fat and need to lose or else.

2. is when you finally realize that as macho as you are, as self sufficient as you think yourself to be, you cannot do it by yourself and need help.

If he hasnt reached these conclusions on his own, deep down inside, then you losing weight is going to make him jealous and combative, but he wont express his jealousy like, "hey im so jealous youre doing great," it will just be anger and contempt. That one two punch has to happen, you can help it along, but fighting it will only make it worse.

Edited February 26, 2015 by Stevehud

[blondebomb 580]

hes def insecure..an he is scared at least it sounds that way to me an he's uneducated on this subject an pride. once he sees this working for you theres a very good chance he'll hop on board. I hate that your dealing with him an this mental an emotional struggle bc its hard enuff going thru the changes you will encounter. some ppl have no problem my first month Im going to tell ya it was brutal on me. I had some days of crying out of no where. I was dying for a pizza or a big juicry hamburger. but I got thru it. my surgeon told me the first months the roughest an it was for me. he said if you can get thru the first month you'll do great! it was right , for me. so please prepare yourself, you'v gone this far your on the right track an you have your mind set an your doing this for YOU! I sure hope it backs off. you might just have to tell him to just STOP an for him to do his loss his way an you will do yours your way. I have 2 dear friends are in their 300s an have been for 40 plus yrs...they enjoy their food(who doesnt right?) we all do! but he doesnt want to lose or change an he feeds her as well an so he keeps them so called "happy" that way. but I dont say anything its none of my business. when ppl decide on their own when to get healthy they'll do something about it. lord I wish I would have done this yrs ago! I am happy for you! keep us posted dear! hang in there! come here when you need to..

[Totoro 66]

Thanks so much everyone. He was much better today, no sarcastic comments or cheap shots about how little I'll be eating. ????In fact he had a shake with me for Breakfast and my Protein and carb free veggies for dinner tonight. (I started Optifast yesterday). He's also said he's going to help keep me busy this weekend so I don't suffer too much with the starvation so he might be softening a bit. ????

It didn't help that a good friend of his told his yesterday that she has had the lap band for a few years and hasn't lost any weight! I'm not surprised, I would never consider the lap band, but at least he saw someone else who survived gastric surgery, even if it's a different procedure.

I feel confident he will lose weight with me, he is much more determined than I am. ????

Edited February 27, 2015 by Totoro

[RJ'S/beginning 5,358]

As I mentioned before fear is a huge factor in someone not wanting this surgery or for wanting this surgery. Using what drew him to you in the first place is a huge help in winning a non compliant mate over. By example you will help him and he in turn will see the benefits for both of you...

Your both going to do great if you are there for each others fears, highs and lows of this journey.

[FrankyG 1,450]

I think one of the other things to bring up is the fact that long term, dieting just does not work, especially for those of us that get into the "clinically obese" category, since our bodies just seem to be great at hanging onto fat better than others... and cravings, deprivation and exhaustion tend to throw us off the wagon easily.

Gastric sleeve surgery is a tool that allows you to take back control - of your portions and cravings - to give us the ability to make better food choices while limiting the portions of said foods. You still have to eat better/healthy foods (which becomes MUCH easier when you're not feeling ravenous all the time) and exercise.

While some may say it is an extreme measure, I feel like for the sake of my health, it was the great decision rather than remaining grossly obese and dying young, with some periods of intense struggle and frustation trying to lose the weight (and keep it off and failing).

What is wrong with getting help with something you've struggled and failed at on your own? Why on earth would you not accept the help that the surgery provides if you have the ability to get it done? Is it some sort of punishment that you should remain fat forever just because you lack "willpower/self-control" according some judgemental person(s) that have no idea of the struggles that a long-term obese person goes through?

And I had no outstanding health problems yet either. Great blood pressure, excellent choloesterol... on paper if you covered up the weight number, I look fantastic. But I'm not going to stay that way carrying this much weight around. And there are very, very few fat people that make it up to their 70s or beyond. I plan to fully enjoy myself for a very, very long time.

So sure, anyone could diet and exercise and take off the weight for a little while, as long as they monitor their food, portions and exercise - basically let that stuff control their lives - or you could introduce the surgery to level the playing field to that of a normal-sized person that can maintain their weight through regular portions and activity. Then you can adjust your diet and get in your exercise and your body won't be fighting you anymore - you'll be on the same team.

I'm so glad your husband is communicating with you about the surgery and he may even come around to the idea of doing it himself. It will not be easy. I think most of us have had issues at some point in the process. But for myself, I'm just over 2 months out, and pretty thrilled with the results and don't have any regrets in doing this.

Keep talking to each other, discuss those fears and worries and really listen to what each other is saying. I think he was just balls-out scared for what this means for the future, and also pretty worried that you would lose so much weight that you would leave him/and feeling judged himself. He couldn't possibly think you should stay fat for the rest of your lives, but sometimes the gut reaction to drastic change is "he!! no!" and to get mad. Stepping outside of your comfort zone is scary - and I do hope the two of you are able to work things out so you both are able to get healthy together and share many, many decades together and see your children and grandchildren grow up.

[vincereautmori 323]

This has been a real interesting thread, you got your support through forum friends, and stayed strong and it sounds like at the same time your husband has come around. Good for you! The way I see it is, its like the beauty of a butterfly. The butterfly is born as a caterpillar and then transforms into the butterfly, the butterfly is always there. So was your husband in love with the caterpillar or what's inside? In my case, we're a bit older and my wife was on Weight Watchers, I completely supported her and she was doing well but I could'nt follow the same path with all the measuring and calculating. But she was taking control of her health and getting off meds and exercising and feeling better, and she was going there whether I did or not. That's when I knew I had to do my part, otherwise she was going to be taking care of an invalid husband, so when I made my final decision for surgery she was happy that we were going to take this journey together. Since surgery our lifestyles are closer than ever, with the weight loss I can take walks again, we eat the same foods and the smaller portions, we're both healthier and happier than we've been in years. Best of luck to you.

Just one more thing, and I apologize for this but I can't help it. Try some shrimp on the barbie, real healthy way to get protein!

[gal friday 176]

"Taking the easy way out"

AHAHAHAHAHA oh my god, this sure as hell isn't easy! It's one of the hardest things I've ever done! I don't say that to discourage you, it's absolutely worth it, I'm so glad I did it. But it is anything but easy. Once you've had your surgery, your husband will see how much effort it is, and I'm guessing he'll change his tune.

[BayougirlMrsS 3,934]

I'm glad I had my LB surgery. For me it was the best choice. Like I said before my husband has never been supportive. It has been a hard road that's for sure. Would I have done better with his support.... I don't think so. Would it have been a happier road.... Yes. We still struggle everyday. Five years ago a veteran bander told me that if you have a good marriage to start with you should be ok. I thought back then we did. But I have come to realize that we don't. And for now we are hanging on by a thread.

I hope you all the luck in the world and I hope you keep us all posted.

Chris

[blondebomb 580]

This has been a real interesting thread, you got your support through forum friends, and stayed strong and it sounds like at the same time your husband has come around. Good for you! The way I see it is, its like the beauty of a butterfly. The butterfly is born as a caterpillar and then transforms into the butterfly, the butterfly is always there. So was your husband in love with the caterpillar or what's inside? In my case, we're a bit older and my wife was on Weight Watchers, I completely supported her and she was doing well but I could'nt follow the same path with all the measuring and calculating. But she was taking control of her health and getting off meds and exercising and feeling better, and she was going there whether I did or not. That's when I knew I had to do my part, otherwise she was going to be taking care of an invalid husband, so when I made my final decision for surgery she was happy that we were going to take this journey together. Since surgery our lifestyles are closer than ever, with the weight loss I can take walks again, we eat the same foods and the smaller portions, we're both healthier and happier than we've been in years. Best of luck to you.

Just one more thing, and I apologize for this but I can't help it. Try some shrimp on the barbie, real healthy way to get protein!

this was beautiful..thank you for sharing. my hubs is my biggest fan an yes my biggest supporter an he even made the comment himself to me that he was going to be jealous as hell...I told him there was no need for that (I know it wont change I just wanted to tell him that) we do everything together he has seen me at my worst an now I am almost 8 months PO an down over a 100 an he now approached ME to help HIM on his Portion Control trying to keep his diabetes balanced an under control. an @@Totoro It sounds like he is def softening up. hang in there be patient this really can "threaten" the other but it can also be worked thru. keep us posted..

[ausmith 374]

as a man ill say this, it sounds like he just isn't ready, ready for what I call the one, two punch,

1 is when you look in the mirror ( figuratively) and say I am too fat and need to lose or else.

2. is when you finally realize that as macho as you are, as self sufficient as you think yourself to be, you cannot do it by yourself and need help.

If he hasnt reached these conclusions on his own, deep down inside, then you losing weight is going to make him jealous and combative, but he wont express his jealousy like, "hey im so jealous youre doing great," it will just be anger and contempt. That one two punch has to happen, you can help it along, but fighting it will only make it worse.

That's the perfect analogy for it. That's why my husband and I did it together because not only would he have gone through that, if it was the other way around I can honestly say I would have done the same.

[kimpossible67 608]

Oh boy. I'm just gonna remark on the words "easy way out." Um N O T!

[Totoro 66]

Well thanks again so much everyone for your incredible support.

I'm now 3 weeks post surgery and doing great. Hubby is much better and much more accepting. He admitted to me that he was scared to death of me dying. Even for the first 2 weeks post sleeve, I was incredibly nauseous and vomiting all the time - I had a rough time in those early days and he was so worried I'd have to go back to hospital and I'd die from malnutrition or something. Now that I'm eating some food again and back to my normal self he can see I'm fine and he's alright with it now.

I've lost 18kg (almost 40 lbs) since my heaviest (including the pre op diet) which I'm very happy about and he's noticing and making positive remarks.

He's also trying very hard to lose weight - I think he's lost a lot, however he refuses to weigh himself and prefers to instead judge by his clothes - which actually isn't a bad idea for him because he would be scales-obsessed.

But I thank everyone again for the incredible support you have all shown me. Right now, there is a positive outcome!!

[blondebomb 580]

Congrats!!!!????????????????