Intimacy

[BJean 16]

When I was verrry young, I worked as a Deputy Clerk of Courts. My job was to file all cases and the pleadings that attorneys added to a case that they had before the courts. Did other stuff too but my main job was to help the attorneys at the counter. It was absolutely the best (but lowest paying) job that I ever had. Very much fun getting to know all the law clerks, attorneys, judges, etc. I was the youngest and cutest female working the counter at the time. (105 lbs. soaking wet and very physically fit)

One day a couple of law clerks and a secretary and I were having lunch at a downtown hot dog eatery. The tables and chairs were school desk ones where the chair and table are one unit. Next to me was Grady Coronnet, a very old, wheezie, crusty attorney who I knew from the court house. He was your typical dirty old man. (His tie always had Breakfast and/or lunch stains on it and we sometimes joked that he could make Soup if he soaked it in a little boiling water.)

But I digress... he turned to me as I was having my little hot dog and coke, and said, "Would you like to see a picture of me when I was a little boy?" Of course I couldn't have cared less about it, but I was young and naive and said I would. He got his wallet out and flipped it open to the plastic sleeves containing photos. He handed it to me with a photo of a little boy who had a a humongous dong, and in fact so humongous it was dragging the ground. Eeeeeeekkkkk!!!!! :eek: I nearly choked on my hot dog, threw the wallet into his face and ran out the door.

I always refused to wait on the old codger after that but for some reason I always felt sorry for the old coot. Go figure!!

[green 6]

Green has seen that tired old pic. It was making its rounds on the plant floor where Green used to work about 2 decades ago. Yipes! Not a nice thing for an old sperm brain to ambush a cute young grrl with!!! I would have had the same reaction as you. That is in the way of sexual assault in my books.< /em>

By the way,...105 lbs! Holy Moly! I haven't weighed that since I was 8 years old.

[Kat817 19]

I really wanted my DH to just hold me and love me. I knew he had a Headache before we went to bed. I knew their was a snowball chance in hell that we would be intimate, but its not always about sex.

I have to stop punishing myself and speak up for myself. I was really trying to make myself feel better with food. Now that I have this information I need to try to turn it around. I truely thought I was just hungry, but I wasn't.

Before I start here, let me say I have tried to read through most of the posts, and apologize in advance if I skipped over important info in regards to this.

Reading this post above, then the one following by BJean, I have to agree with BJean, that we should strive to create an equal 50/50 give and take. With that in mind, wouldn't it have been just as intimate, and shown your DH what you want in return to have spent the time cuddling him...rubbing his neck and shoulders, or his temples, trying to help with his headache? I mean wouldn't you feel more loving towards him the next day if he had tried to help you ease a headache. Even if he is one of those who want to be left alone, knowing you wanted to help him, goes a long way. Being loving, and affectionate starts outside the bedroom.

And while we (DH & I) work to have a 50/50 give and take in the relationship, it is not always an even split, there are times it is 80/20--when one of us picks up the slack, during times of personal stress....what have you. The goal is to make it where they are aware of what you need and want---but sometimes the best way to let them know is to show them...

If he put it on in spite of how I felt about it, I would feel really dejected and angry. If he holed up in a room with it to avoid having sex with me, I would want to run away with someone who appreciated me. That may sound selfish to some of you, but I didn't sign up for anything less than a 50-50 relationship. We both compromise - not just one of us. And neither of us winds up being a martyr and resenting the other.

I have to confess that we've been married for 36 years though. It wasn't always that way. And it really did take a lot of work over the years. But if you seriously love each other, it is well worth the effort.

We too are not newlyweds---and have went through highs and lows in regards to intimacy, and finances, and everything else couples deal with....and yes this marriage has been worth any and all efforts put into it. It is not my first marriage though, and it does take both of you to want it to work out...

Kat

[BJean 16]

Well said, Kat. There are definitely times when there is a shift to 80-20 or 60-40, depending upon your partner's needs in times of crises. That's one of the most important rewards of a marriage - having someone there to catch you and lift you up when you've been kicked by a person, a death or an event. The 50-50 times are when it's all smooth sailing!

I do think that you're right about trying to understand what's really going on with your spouse when they don't respond or they hide from intimacy. It is very easy to assume that it is for some reason or other and probably 9 times out of 10, it is something altogether different that is causing the space between both of you. We think that it is because of our weight or whatever we come up with to blame it on and often it is something just within our spouse that is troubling them. We should learn to spend as much time understanding and supporting our husbands as we do our children or friends. We don't mean to take them for granted, but it is hard not to.

[Sugar1 0]

Well, my husband told me this weekend that he is going to be moving out. We have been having trouble for years but keep thinking we could work things out. I have not slept with him in the same bed for approximately 5 years, no intimacy at all. I have no interest in him and have so much anger towards him. He sees himself as the victim and that he does nothing wrong, blames everything on me. Whatever is wrong with his life is my fault. I was going to take our 12 year old twins and move out since we live in my in-laws house, but he said that because economically it would make sense for him to move out, he would do so. This is something that I wanted. I wanted to split, however, I am so anxious about it, how we will live money-wise. I make a little bit more than he does, but not much. My children both wanted this too, however, my son started asking me about money last night. I told my husband that I thought that we should talk to both kids since they overheard him say he was moving out. I told him last night that they are asking questions. He said he was not going to talk to them now, but they could ask him any questions they wanted, however, both kids will not approach him on this. I think in his mind once he talks to the kids it is a definite he has to move out and maybe he really doesn't want to. I don't know, but I am so confused. This is something that I really want. We have been together for 24 years. Married for 18 years in Sept. I guess I am looking for reassurance that I can do this on my own. My parents divorced when I was 8 years old. When I talked to my mother about this, she said that things are different now from when she divorced my dad and since I have 2 kids, I should just stay with my husband until they are 18 and then deal with things. I don't know...

Yvonne

[catzintj 1]

must be something wrong with me. i read these post and think , no way in hell would i ever get married. everyone i know that is married is not happy and not having sex. or the sex is not great. most of the men that hit on me are married. i just turned 40 and was starting to think that maybe i should stop traveling so much and settle down. but after reading this stuff i think it is easier to be single. less hassle. id rather be lonely once in a while than be lonely and married. how sad. i hope many of you are happy. but overall it seems marriage is really a thing of the past. i make good money and dont need to have someone take care of me, but i miss having someone care about me.

[BJean 16]

cat: Marriage can be better than just what you're reading here. When things are great, there's no need to find a thread like this to ask for advice or just blow off steam.

Having someone care about you 24/7 is probably the way nature intended. But that is not to say that everyone is well-suited for marriage. Or even that marriage is the best way to have someone to share your life with. I've never lived with a man without benefit of marriage so I have no idea if that kind of relationship is better or worse than the commitment of marriage. Again, I imagine it all falls on the mindset of the people involved.

You can focus on the voices of the people who have unsuccessful marriages or you can seek out the ones who have successful marriages. That's up to you, of course. But as grim as it may look here, there are probably just as many people who are glad they are married.

[Big Fred 0]

After reading quite a few posts I just wanted to inject a male point of view.

First, let me just say that I hope everyone can experience a great relationship. For those who are having problems - I hope you can work them out.

I have been happily married for 29yrs to the most wonderful woman, we have one child (a boy) and a happy life. My wife has vertigo and for the last 6 years has been taking medication for the condition. I'm happy to say her vertigo is in check and she functions fine (back to work) but the medicine has curbed our intamacy. We have found other ways to be intimate; hugging & kissing, fondling, mutual masterbation, etc...

I have what I want, a loving spouse and good friend. Making love is great but I can satisfy myself with her by my side.

Bottom line, you can work through the issues if your willing to comunicate, communicate, communicate. Along with some comprimises.

Relationships are give & take, if your spouse is not willing to work through the issues then please seek counseling or move-on. no one should be in a loveless relationship.

Good luck to everyone

[Melissadrw 0]

Marriage is tough. I am glad this thread was started. It is so difficult to talk about these things. I have been married twice. My first husband beat me and cheated on me. We were married less that a year. I picked myself up and made a life for our daughter. I married my current husband in 2000. There have been good times and bad. He has developed (or I am just realizing) he has a severe gambling addiction. It is so bad that he has brought us to almost losing our home and having to file for bankruptcy. I feel so betrayed. I am not interested in him sexually because of my anger. He doesn't understand. We have three kids (including my girl from my previous marriage). I owe them a better life than this. Now I am loosing weight and looking to make my life better. I am constantly questioning my marriage and if it will survive. Sometimes I don't even care to try. I don't even think that he knows how unhappy I am in this relationship.

Thanks for letting me vent!

[BJean 16]

Hope you can get some help for yourself, your kids and your husband. You've got a tough row to hoe, but with the right help, you can do it and if you love him and he loves you, I'll bet your lives can be better than ever once he faces his addiction and overcomes it.

Best of luck to you with your weight loss. Losing weight is energizing!

[green 6]

I used to work with a loveable young woman whose husband had a gambling problem. He gambled away their house and left them with nothing. She was a very big woman and, I believe, had some health issues associated with this. Although she worked in a non-traditional job, building aircraft, she dreamed of having a family and a nest. When she finally found her man and got married she was absolutely thrilled and we were all happy for her. She had difficulties getting pregnant but finally succeeded and once again she was so very happy. Her pregnancy was an extremely difficult one and she was told that she would be unable to have another child. Nevertheless she did manage to have a healthy little girl. And again we were all very pleased for her. Her life seemed to be going well and she was content.

You can easily imagine her feelings of devastation and betrayal when she lost her nest through her husband's behaviour. His gambling had left them bankrupt. She even had to sell her car. She was unable to forgive him. She and the child moved out and for some period of time shared a place with another single mum.

I find myself telling you this story in order to let you know that you are not alone. I saw my colleague's shock and pain and the chaos that her life became and my heart goes out to you. You are in a difficult place right now.

[Big Fred 0]

Please do not take this the wrong way. While sex is important, respecting each other is the most important aspect of any relationship whether your married or not.

If your not respected, you cannot grow as a person. I know this is easier to say than do but if your in an abusive relationship, please do something about it. Either leave or get counseling.

I guess I'm lucky after hearing some of the stories, my wife and I know each other for 30years and fully support each other.

To all, please do not hang in there for the kids. Believe me, unless there under 5 years old they see what's going on.

Don't give up on relationships, when you find the right one it will be worth it.

[TheGh0st 9]

Frank - Just wanted to thank you for chiming in. We've been wanting more men's perspective on this.

[TheGh0st 9]

Yvonne - My prayers are with you. Have you and your husband spoke with your boys yet?

I may not know what you are going through but may understand a little of what your sons are thinking. My mother and father slept in seperate beds for close to 10 years if not more before they finally divorced. First they stayed together for my sister and I then out of habit and fear of the unknown once we were out of the house. But for them it was something that should have been done decades earlier. As early as grade school I can remember thinking they would be happier if they didn't live together. All the "pros" talk about the children feeling guilty for causing the breakup I actually felt guilty for being the cause of them not breaking up.

I know finances will be tight and the children are probably worried about that. I know I was too when I was a kid and begging my father to please leave my mother. But at least in my case, I would have gladly endured the financial hardships with my mother, over the years of unhappiness she went through.

[Sugar1 0]

Diane -- I have a boy and a girl. They are actually both fine with the separation, however, they are confused because he has not moved out yet. I don't even see that he has begun looking for an apartment yet. I am going to have a talk with him this weekend and tell him that since the kids know he is moving out, he has to do it soon because it is confusing them. Other than that, they are fine. Since I work for lawyers they know that by law he has to support them and we don't have to move away from our home. Thanks for your prayers and I will keep you guys posted.

Yvonne