Intimacy

[IMFine 0]

Thank you, DH of Gadgetlady. Y'all seem like quite a couple.

All of our friends think that DH and I are quite a couple. We're very loving and respectful toward each other--always. Even in disagreement. We have "fights", but we're both intelligent, educated, literate people and express ourselves well. If it weren't for the porn in our lives, I would say that ours is the most perfect relationship ever.

We haven't had sex in MONTHS! DH never misses an opportunity to tell me how much he loves me and that he's so happy to think of growing old with me. We really are excellent partners. BUT even as I type this, he's over there surfing porn and I'm staring at the back of his head. <sigh> He's not open to any more discussion about the subject. He says we've been over it and over it.

Should I withhold meals? Should I move into the guest room? Should I leave and stay at a friend's house? I just don't know what to do about this. Perhaps counseling, for me, is the only way. I don't have self-esteem issues. I know I'm attractive woman. I'm not fridgid; willing to try ANYthing he finds titillating. I have a healthy, 43-year-old woman's sexual appetite and no way to satisfy it with my partner. The solo thing gets SO incredibly old, and is not fulfilling.

Anyway, thanks for your two-cents. It's nice to know that there are men who are clear-headed about porn and its affect on relationships.

Thank you.

[KariK 0]

Holly, maybe you should suggest to you husband usint a married but looking for sex website to satisfy your needs? Either he will give you permission or tell you no way. But it might lead to him taking your needs more seriously. I would suggest it very matter of fact, not in a super emotional way. One such site that you suggest is The Ashley Madison Agency - Romantic Rendezvous for Attached Adults. Im not saying I think actually doing this is a good idea at alllll. But it might wake him up. Just a suggestion. Best of luck to you. -K.

[IMFine 0]

Thank you Kari. It's a thought. But really not an option for me. My husband knows that he's the only man I desire. He'd call my bluff in a heartbeat. Thank you for the suggestion, though

[green 6]

Holly, maybe you should suggest to you husband usint a married but looking for sex website to satisfy your needs? Either he will give you permission or tell you no way. But it might lead to him taking your needs more seriously. I would suggest it very matter of fact, not in a super emotional way. One such site that you suggest is The Ashley Madison Agency - Romantic Rendezvous for Attached Adults. Im not saying I think actually doing this is a good idea at alllll. But it might wake him up. Just a suggestion. Best of luck to you. -K.

I was going to suggest something along the same lines. If you and your husband are both comfortable with it, you might consider having sex on a regular basis with another guy, maybe someone whom you know who is recovering from a divorce and who is lonely for a little physical action. And if your husband is not comfortable with this arrangement, well, he better step up to the bat.

Like most women I am uncomfortable around porn but I don't necessarily see a man's interest in porn and self-pleasuring as a bad thing until he opts for this activity at the expense of meeting the needs and desires of his mate. Your husband may say that he loves you and I am sure that he does but he is being very, very selfish when he flatly refuses to make love with you and yet will masturbate while watching porn.

With respect to the emotional structure of your partnership, this places him in the position of being the one who is in control of the relationship. He is continually denying you something which you badly need out of the relationship and which you have repeatedly asked him for. In this respect your marriage is not an equal one.

By the way, it occurs to me to wonder if you hold more power than him in some other area and that this might perhaps make your husband feel like less of a man; are you better educated? do you earn more? did you bring more property into the marriage? If so, his withholding of sex could be a subconscious response to having his sense of manhood eroded in another, and entirely separate arena of your relationsip. Please be aware that I am just goofing with my own thoughts here - this is just an idea which suddenly occurred to me while writing this post.

Certainly a man who claims to be deeply in love with his wife and who continually demonstrates his affection on every other level and who is, moreover, neither homosexual nor suffering from medical issues which would make sexual performance difficult or impossible, is up to other shennanigans or has other problems, ones of a psychological nature. It strikes me that your husband's plumbing is working. This would indicate that there is a major problem going on between the ears. If you want this marriage to improve, then I would suggest that you first seek out a therapist for yourself and once you have clarified your issues you can move onto dealing with your husband's issues. Now, I must emphasize that the only reason that I suggest that you see a therapist is in order that you might be able to discuss the problem you have with your husband, your own feelings of frustration and rejection, and perhaps figure out certain constructive approaches to dealing with him and it.

[IMFine 0]

I was going to suggest something along the same lines. If you and your husband are both comfortable with it, you might consider having sex on a regular basis with another guy, maybe someone whom you know who is recovering from a divorce and who is lonely for a little physical action. And if your husband is not comfortable with this arrangement, well, he better step up to the bat.

Like most women I am uncomfortable around porn but I don't necessarily see a man's interest in porn and self-pleasuring as a bad thing until he opts for this activity at the expense of meeting the needs and desires of his mate. Your husband may say that he loves you and I am sure that he does but he is being very, very selfish when he flatly refuses to make love with you and yet will masturbate while watching porn.

With respect to the emotional structure of your partnership, this places him in the position of being the one who is in control of the relationship. He is continually denying you something which you badly need out of the relationship and which you have repeatedly asked him for. In this respect your marriage is not an equal one.

By the way, it occurs to me to wonder if you hold more power than him in some other area and that this might perhaps make your husband feel like less of a man; are you better educated? do you earn more? did you bring more property into the marriage? If so, his withholding of sex could be a subconscious response to having his sense of manhood eroded in another, and entirely separate arena of your relationsip. Please be aware that I am just goofing with my own thoughts here - this is just an idea which suddenly occurred to me while writing this post.

Certainly a man who claims to be deeply in love with his wife and who continually demonstrates his affection on every other level and who is, moreover, neither homosexual nor suffering from medical issues which would make sexual performance difficult or impossible, is up to other shennanigans or has other problems, ones of a psychological nature. It strikes me that your husband's plumbing is working. This would indicate that there is a major problem going on between the ears. If you want this marriage to improve, then I would suggest that you first seek out a therapist for yourself and once you have clarified your issues you can move onto dealing with your husband's issues. Now, I must emphasize that the only reason that I suggest that you see a therapist is in order that you might be able to discuss the problem you have with your husband, your own feelings of frustration and rejection, and perhaps figure out certain constructive approaches to dealing with him and it.

You may have something there. He's 53, I'm 43. He is mobility impaired (walks with a cane, but destined for a wheelchair); has been pretty much since he was a toddler (genetic disorder) and I do all the chores, handyman stuff (fix toilets, install light fixtures, ceiling fans, whatever needs doing), house-cleaning, grocery shopping, etc. I'm very self-sufficient. I'm also a full-time student. I sometimes get put out with him when I'm busy and he needs me to do something for him. I never fail to stop what I'm doing and help with whatever he needs. I don't THINK I'm obvious with my irritation. I made a promise to myself before we married three years ago that I would do whatever I could to make his life easier and more comfortable. Some days it's really hard. I have sooo much on my plate, but I graduate May '08, and will have a better schedule. Anyway, maybe he feels emasculated by his inability to help me with what are considered to be traditional male-role stuff like mowing the yard, fixing broken stuff, etc. Gosh, wouldn't it be nice to discover that's the root of it all?

Thanks for the suggestion.

[BJean 16]

When did we start having sex after LB surgery? Well, I remember when I woke up after surgery and they brought me back to my room, my DH was waiting for me.........just kidding. I believe it was at least 2 weeks. Maybe 3. Or could be 4, I guess. Well, now that you mention it, it was probably more like 2 months. But that's just me.

[BJean 16]

Green has good thought processes. I think there's a very good possibility that she has hit the proverbial nail on the head, IM.

[green 6]

IMFine, I have a strong hunch that I may have accidently hit upon something. You do have all the control in all the other areas of your life together. You are the sturdy, strong one. You are doing all the work which is traditionally considered to belong to the man of the house - the repairs - and you do the shopping, the cleaning, etc. You are also engaged in academic work. As you yourself have said, you are very self sufficient. And you are a decade younger and your mate is looking at a future in a wheelchair. You do indeed hold all the high cards in this relationship and men are strange creatures: the fact that you adore him and have chosen to be with him is not going to erase the fact that in his mind you hold all the high cards. Your loving man must feel himself to be in a very tenuous position. My heart goes out to both of you. You both sound like splendid people.

By withholding sex from you he manages to re-establish a measure of control/power/self-respect. In order to obtain sex from this man you are going to have to show yourself as vulnerable and weak and dependent on him in some other area. The question is how will you be able to do this?

I am going to ask you a further question to which you do not have to post an anwer on this thread but an interesting question all the same: how does your mate view your current weight loss work? I am asking you to think about this because I have read many posts where sister LBTers find that they experience resistance from those who are closest to them, their families and their mates. Both family and mates can be awfully threatened when we decide to mend ourselves even when they believe that they wish nothing but the best for us.

Your man sounds like a fine man and the last thing that you must ever display in your negotiations with him is any sense of pity. Give a man pity and you may as well chop off his balls.

[green 6]

Green has good thought processes. I think there's a very good possibility that she has hit the proverbial nail on the head, IM.

Thanx, kid. You always say the nicest things. :kiss2: +

[IMFine 0]

Well, Green--honestly, he's been very supportive of my doing the lap-band route to WL. He knows I've been concerned about my weight and possibility of developing type II diabetes like my mom. DH is morbidly obese too, and I don't doubt he struggles with my losing weight. As I eat less, he seems to eat more.

You've given me so much to think about. I certainly don't flaunt the fact that I do all, but bring home a paycheck (currently). Without DH there's NO WAY I could afford to go to school full-time. So I am DEEPLY indebted to him for that, if for no other reason. He's a well-educated man who loves me, keeps a roof over my head, food in my tummy, clothes on my back, etc. He's worked for the same company for 30 years (just celebrated that milestone), so he's a steady, hard-working, man who has provided me a way to fulfill a life-long dream--with health insurance that just paid for me to lose 100 lbs that's been holding me back physically for 20 years. So, YEAH, I am in a vulnerable position. He could pull the plug on me at anytime and I would be lost in so many ways. I guess I should find a time and way to put this bit of info into his brain.

You're absolutely brilliant! I hope it works. I surely cannot make things worse :-)

[IMFine 0]

Yup, BJ, Green's the woman!

[IMFine 0]

Uuuh, the life-long dream wasn't the WL (though for 1/2 my life it's been a dream to lose it). The dream was to go back to school full-time and get my degree! And because of DH, I can do that pretty much worry-free.

[green 6]

Uuuh, the life-long dream wasn't the WL (though for 1/2 my life it's been a dream to lose it). The dream was to go back to school full-time and get my degree! And because of DH, I can do that pretty much worry-free.

Try to make him really understand on the deepest level just how much you owe him and how very dependent you are on him.

[IMFine 0]

That won't be any problem at all, Green. I'm am deeply indebted and grateful. There's no other man for me.

I can't thank you enough.

[MissNilsa 0]

For me it has been 2 1/2 years. I am not happy with it at all. My husband was gay before he met me. We are Christians so, it become complicated. We have been married for 27 years this august. It was always me who inititated sex, but he put up alot of barriers, so for us 10-12 x year, even as newly weds. I was 130 lbs when married and over 200 now. I have never been happy about it at all. I want to feel loved and desired and I don't believe it is to much to ask. I live with the shame and silence- is that right? I don't think so. We are just room mates with kids and bills in common. But for us if it was just sex and there was other types of intimacy- well I just don't know.

I am also a christian faith person. I was also with a gay man. Let me just say that you are headed for misery for the rest of your life if you stay in that marraige. Period. I understand all that stuff about your husband never walking away from god and more than likely it is true, but you see, someone who is gay, will always be gay. Whether they act on it or not. If you read your own post, you say, that you want to feel loved and be desired.

Do you honestly think that your husband will one day desire you? If two plus years has not showed you that he cannot, even if he wanted to, feel desire for any woman, then you just need a little more time to see it, is all i'm saying.

Gay means gay. Your husband knows he did not choose to be gay. It is something that just is what it is.

I think it is sad when people say that they are staying together for the children. To sacrifice your own life to that extent, when the truth is that all children are so resilient and there are ways and words and methods that would keep them healthy, even if you walk away from a loveless marraige.

You say your friend doesn't understand your sex less marraige. That is not surprising, although most people don't really show what is really going on in their own back yard.

You want to be loved. You want to be desired. These are all healthy normal feelings. I'm, saying that even if your husband decides... "let me be intimate with her.... she deserves it.." You will undoubtedly STILL feel the disconnect from your husband because in your heart of hearts, as a human being, you know what the real deal is.

I am sure god wants you to be happy. I am sure of that.