Intimacy

[cathgr8 1]

I'll chime in and also recommend chatting as a possible way to cut through the communication difficulty. My BF and I met once in November, felt an immediate attraction, but then were forced to get to know each other through Skype chats because he lives three hundred miles away. We joke now that each day we Skyped (sometimes for 12 hour or more) was like a month in real time, each month like a year. It became very intimate, very fast. It might be awkward in a long term relationship to suggest or start it, but if you already have the access, it might not hurt to IM him at work or in the evening when he's on the internet, and see what reaction you get?

[nume130 0]

What I do sometimes is write out my concerns. Then I rehearse it to myself. Then when I do talk to my H, I try not to get cornered as the one always at fault. My H plays the victim to perfection. It doesn't really work. I guess I have to live with the fact that it is all my fault and leave it at that.

I have e-mailed my H with my concerns re my son and how he deals (or doesn't) deal with him. At least I can express my thoughts without being interrupted. Nothing changes though.

I think now, it is all to late. We have been in these roles so long now that what ever little movement we try to make- the change doesn't stick.

[nume130 0]

I don't know if I mentioned it or not but I paid my deposit on Thursday to hold my surgery date. Oct. 5 is the big day.

[faithmd 14]

Congrats on the date, Nume!!

[areellady 1]

YEAH nume....you are right around the corner to being in bandland!!!

[green 6]

I don't know if I mentioned it or not but I paid my deposit on Thursday to hold my surgery date. Oct. 5 is the big day.

Woohoo, you lucky Canucki! Big congrats from another Canadian, eh.

[nume130 0]

Thanks so much everyone. Sometimes I get so excited when I think about it I can hardly sit still. I feel like the kids did when they were small, how many sleeps and are we there yet!!!

This is a great thread with so much support, I appreciate you ladies so very very much.

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

Thanks so much to all you for trying to help me! I got some really good ideas. Like I told Faith, how I react next time is going to depend on how I am feeling (being asleep and all) at that moment. I like the "Wish you would tell me when I am awake" line.

Good news is, he is talking to me now. That is why I have been offline. Trying to keep him interacting with me as much as possible. But I feel in my heart I shouldn't have to try this hard. I thought I was broken, but I realize that I am not the one broken he is. I can't let him break me too.

I would love to email or chat but he is disabled, so no work for him. That is probly part of his problem.

But we are taking a family trip to Cedar Point for a few days. Hopefully it goes well! I will be with the in laws, which is just more issues...ugh...

Thanks again so much guys for the support. I truly appreciate it.

[faithmd 14]

Have a good time at CP, Brandy. You know how to get ahold of me if you need to, I'm heading up north tonight until Tues.

I am keeping my fingers crossed you can get him to talk. You do deserve so much more. You're an amazing lady who has done a great job raising very brilliant kiddos, you should have it all.

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

Thank you!

[Qvrfullmidwife 0]

I have been reading this thread with interest and not a few chuckles...I do have to say that I disagree with the concept of 'test driving'. I believe that one enters into marriage with commitment for life. There IS no perfect spouse, none of us can change another person into the perfect spouse. What we can do, however, is try to BE that perfect spouse. We can make sure that we are bringing our best to a relationship. Had I either had the idea that I deserved perfection or had multiple test drives under my belt to compare a less than perfect spouse to that I would have been set up to be very discontent when life did not go the way that I felt that it should have. Instead we enter into marriage with the understanding that we are two messed up people doing our best to become better and to continue to grow. One of the best things about not having myriad partners prior to marriage (I had a very few) is that we have the ability to explore and experiment without either comparing how my dh is measuring up or wondering how I am measuring up. Lastly, the idea of trying out people beforehand would, I think, tend to cause you to see others as commodities, something that exists merely for your satisfaction.

I am grieved for those in this thread who are in truly lonely marriages. But I do not see how having tried out many others before marriage would have made the situation better, I think it might have made it worse because you might be inclined to add insult to injury by thinking "now Joe, HE knew how to make me feel cherished" and of what value is that?!

After 22 years of marriage we have definitely had our deserts and hurts. What helps is throwing the old out the window and trying something new. Often it takes one partner pushing for the something new while the other doesnt give a flip and is annoyed. I guess we are just fortunate that we were never both bored with intimacy at the same time.

Praying for those on here that they are able to rediscover the incredible gift of intimacy to the person that they are committed to in whatever way works best for them.

Wax or no wax. (still mulling over that one...ouchihuahua!)

[TracyinKS 7]

In a perfect world that idea is great........... I mean.. heck

before I got divorced I had no idea that sex could last longer than 3 minutes! (I cried the first time it did because I thought I had done something wrong)

[nume130 0]

Dear midwife: I agree about the test drive, it wouldn't have made any difference to my situation that I now find myself. But for those of us who want intimacy but our partners doesn't, it is hard. I have pushed and pushed. My H has put up so many defences to prevent me from asking for sex. He goes to bed before I do if he sees that I am busy with something. He is snoring (or pretending???) when I get into bed he is very annoyed if I wake him. If I go up before him he doesnt come up to bed for several hours later. The only time we have had sex, is when I out wait him and that was only OCC. The few times we do get to bed at the same time is when we have been away and he still tries to wait for awhile, he has great excuses "I feel fluish" "I have had the worst headache" (ya believe it) "I threw my back out" He just turns his back on me and goes to sleep. I can't push anymore. I just can't.

Now that we are talking, he says we made a mistake to get married, we should have had better counsel. He feels that he would have done fine as a single.

[Qvrfullmidwife 0]

Nume :cry:cry:cry

I understand...the main point I wanted to express was regarding "testdrives". I just dont see what positive difference they would really make for anyone.

I believe that your situation is somewhat different than the run of the mill marital difficulties that I was discussing of two imperfect people trying to create a new "one" in marriage even when they marry young, or were notthat experiences or have issues flung their way. I was blessed to read of the approach that you and your dh are taking now. Please keep in mind that the fact that you may feel now that you should not have gotten married means that your marriage is anyless a real marriage. You committed, you have made an (imperfect) life together as well as lives together. These things have eternal value. (But who am I to lecture...you have more years of marriage under your belt than I do for sure from what I recall.) In my experience we had a dh whose attempts to self medicate for severe depression included excessive intimacy followed by depression meds totally removing ability or desire leaving a wife who who was already increasingly insecure in bed due to weight wondering what was wrong, were those last 10 lbs to blame> But in our case we always manage to talk it out and come to a place of joy again. I agree that sex is a potent glue...but it isnt the only glue. Praying for you and your situation as I have been since I first read of your situation, I just now got up the nerve to post.

[faithmd 14]

Do most people test drive fifteen different cars? NO. That is NOT what I was suggesting, either. You yourself (qvr) said you had a few partners before you married. That's what I meant, and when I wrote what I did I was responding more specifically to Boo Boo Kitty who has been with her husband since she was 15 or so. That is TOO YOUNG and you have not know enough men (not necessarily in the biblical sense) to know that this one is the right one for you for a LIFETIME. It kills me to see folks today marry at 18 or 19 or 21. It is much different than it was even 25 years ago. You have NO IDEA about life yet, you and your partner have so much growing and maturing to do. True the ideal way would be to do that together, to overcome adversity together, to grow together, but nowadays that is more rare than finding a person without a cell phone.

I absolutely stand behind my theory of test drives in the context that I think of it. If I had never tried to establish a deeper relationship with my ex in college I'd never have known he was gay, and he would never have admitted it until after we were married and we were both miserable. Sometimes it takes time for men or for women to come to the realization that they are not heterosexual, and without a good testdrive of a relationship (not necessarily a night in the sack) it is sometimes easier to deny those feelings and think you can make them go away. Granted having a partner realize they are not heterosexual is not an everyday occurence, but it does happen, I have four friends who went through that.

Would you all have been less critical of my terminology if I had said, "try them on for size?" Or perhaps, "date other men?" That is all I meant, to date others.

My 81 year old mother, God love her dear, Dr. Laura and Dr. Phil loving deeply religious soul, told me that you NEVER get married to someone without trying them on for size. She used the test drive analogy and it stuck. She married when she was 37. Smart woman in my book. (Okay, now I feel I have to clarify this, I am not saying everyone should wait until they are 37, either.)