Intimacy

[Agnot 0]

I am sorry that you are living in the Land of Sad at this time. To tell you the truth I understand the reasons behind your wife's behaviour very well. While I was never sexually abused I was born with a medical condition which required painful physiotherapy during the first year of my life in order that it be corrected. The emotional effect of this on a baby was the same as physical abuse although the goal was far, far different. Then I was abandoned in favour of my baby brother when I was 1.5 years old and abandoned again when I was sent away from the family to boarding school. Add in the genetic difficulty of inherited depression and parents who were not emotionally prepared to be parents, a lousy first marriage, and the result was disasterous for those around me.

I have been seeing "mental dentists" since I was kicked out of boarding school for smoking drugs and that was a long, long time ago. I have also been diagnosed at various times in my life as having BPD, being bi-polar, and being a simple depressive with family issues.

One of the things which has saved my bacon is that I finally met a man who sounds rather like yourself in many ways. He is true-blue, understanding, tolerant, proud of me, and loving. He has nursed me through all the bad times. He has done all the shopping, cleaned the house when I was too depressed to move. He has, however, put his foot down when it has come to certain behaviours of mine. I am not allowed to be cruel to him and I doubt that he would put up with much infidelity on my part. He has told me when I was acting out, in a very calm and non-threatening fashion, that he would have to leave if I persisted because it was simply too difficult to live with me. This caused me to start thinking about what I was doing to a very decent man, one who does love me.

The other things which have helped repair me have been proper medication and on-going psychotherapy. My mate and I are about to enter into our 24th year together and our relationship is a peaceful and a happy one. We are very supportive of each other. When I do into problems with depression I no longer take out my pain, my anger, or my abandonment issues on my husband. Instead I bleed quietly and arrange for the professionals in this field to help me.

I have told you my personal history because I think that it introduces a number of salient points into this discussion. One: you may need to undergo counselling yourself in order to figure out what your own boundaries are so that you can introduce your wife to these.

Two: your wife will be unable to function sufficiently well in order to deal with her emotional grief until she is on proper medication. Depression is as much an illness as diabetes is. Depression is an issue resulting from f*cked-up brain chemistry and as long as the individual is floating around in the abnormal state which is depression she will be unable to see anything clearly or rationally. Trust me when I say this: I have been wearing the t-shirt for a long, long time. I will also warn you that not all antidepressants work the same on all people. A good doc recognises this and is prepared to work with the patient, trying out different meds and combinations of meds.

Three: your wife will also need to engage herself in some talk therapy. (This will be most effective once she has got her meds in place.) She has obviously got a lot on her plate. She is filled with self-loathing, I would guess, and she horribly insecure and needy. I am inclined to suggest that she opt for a psychologist for the talk therapy portion of her treatment. She will definitely need a psychiatrist for the medication part of the treatment.

Green,

Thanks for the post. I appreciate it.

I am very glad you have overcome in spite of the challenges you have had to face. Congrats on your 24 years. You sound like a very strong individual in many ways.

You are quite perceptive in your writing. It's true I have cleaned, cooked, wiped noses, shopped, served as well as all of the functions of the "man of the house" and a very successful IT career and business.

I am very much a man, but the situation required me to play a dual role of Father/Mother to my children. I hate the disease not my wife. I think sometimes all you can do is simply show the person you are there for the duration.

Having said that, necessity has also required me to be the gatekeeper, hold the boundries no matter how severely my wife would try to cross them. You understand what I mean when I say " You aint seen a tamtrum until you see an adult with noe boundaries throw one!"

My wife has been in medication / therapy now for 5+ years. You are very correct about the medications, which are a rollercoaster ride in and of themselves.

As with the lapband issue, I will somwhow deal with this as well.. I feel almost embarassed about dumping that out on everyone.

I think I just long sometimes for someone I would "give" emotionally, spiritually even sexually. Never give up hope.

Take Care,

Agnot

Banded 11/19/07:)

[green 6]

Do not be embarassed or apologetic about introducing the lapband issue into your discussions with the rest of us at LBT. The simple truth is that the loss of weight which you will experience thanks to your band will inevitably introduce certain emotionally linked issues into your life apart from those connected to your relationship with your wife.

Most of us find that weight loss is much more complicated than simply arranging for the installation of a device which will cut off our greedy guts behaviour and thus result in a fabulous new normo body. We may find, as you have done, that our families (in your case your wife) are threatened by our weight losses.

Many of us find that though we have shed bunches of weight we still find ourselves thinking of ourselves as fatties. We can often shed the weight more easily than we can shed the insecurities, the self-destructive self-image, and the self-loathing, I guess.

[Nina_S 1]

Nina,

Thanks for the post, you are very kind!

I have my wife in a medication / couseling regimen for 5 years now ,with two hospitalizations over the period. I understand ( a necessity!) the role of enabler and must constantly be conscious of the tendency to be "drawn in" to the problem, even through an act of love as strange as that sounds.

Your very correct about the stones, you must learn to love even when it is not reciprocated. Early on I did think love could make it alright and conquer all. I have since learned that while I still believe this true I now know it can take a lifetime, but still worth the effort.

I am commited to protecting my children and must , even against their own mother many times (i.e. Mommie Dearest). However, I hope that my choice to remain will teach the value of family, however dysfunctional

Thanks for the kind words regarding vows....but I made a promise not only to my but some even larger that us.. with his help we'll stay the course

Take care,

Agnot

Banded 11/19/07:)

Agnot,

I can't say enough that your are a outstanding man!! I will continue to pray for you and your family. God is present and constant help! Keep up the fight & speak VICTORY!!

Much Love,

Nina

[Bergdorfblonde 3]

Get a boyfriend! Sex is so important to your happiness. If your husband was gay before he met you, he is attracted to men. Even though you are religious, you can't change who hes attracted to. I am not saying divorce him, if you guys get along well and have been married for so long, but you should take care of your physical needs.

[MysticstarD 0]

My husband does not like me on top, I will ask him and he will let me but then he looses his erection so we only do on my back and doggie style. When he is on top I feel like he is about to smother me with his chest and I can't really move and do not feel as sexy as I do when I am on top. So lately I have been faking orgasms and during the week I do my thing.

To top it all off we only do it every other Friday because of his schedule and mine are very different until the Fridays that the girls go to their dad's house and we can relax.

When I brought it up he said that he does not feel manly when I am on top. I do rather be on my back than to have to sit on him while his erection vanishes.

[*susan* 1,709]

My husband actually loves it when I am on top. I was not comfortable doing that for years because of my weight, I was afraid I would crush him. But, men being the visual beasts that they are, he loves it because of the view and easy access to my breasts, etc.

[MysticstarD 0]

That's what I thought-men liked it but I guess I got the one that doesn't

[Frisky1 0]

This all just makes me so sad to think that so many of us have been and still are in loveless marriages. My first marriage ended after 4 years. I didn't even realize how bad it had gotten until I began dating again. To be able to feel sexy and wanted again.....I'm now in my second marriage and we've been together for 22 years. He is my best friend and lover. Yes the sex has gotten less over the years but we never go longer than a couple weeks. (and this is rare) Nume130, my heart goes out to you. Just know the best thing you can do for your children is to take care of their mother, then you can give even more of yourself to them. (and yourself)

[Oregondaisy 2,021]

Wow! This thread needs to be revived. I just discovered it. It's great to lose weight and feel sexy again!

[Mizzoupoodle 0]

I've been reading this thread for several days and have been too chicken to post until now. I have been married 21 years and have 3 kids...7,5,4. We adopted the first two and then, surprisingly turned up pregnant. After conceiving my daughter, my husband didn't touch me again till about a year and a half after her birth. We have probably had sex 8 times in the last 4 years. I have tried lingerie, crazy costumes, weekends away, etc. I suggested marital counseling, he refused. Last October I wrote him a letter expressing my confusion and hurt. Asking if there was someone else. He insisted there wasn't and told me he just "wasn't a sexual being" anymore. He promised to "work on" getting more sexual. Well, we had sex in November (it was horrible with him losing his erection, not looking at me and I don't think he came) and since then....nothing.

So in June I insisted he seek counseling...partly because of the lack of intimacy and partly because he has been semi-depressed and acting very unhappy. His depression has improved but our sex life hasn't. I have offerred to go to counseling together, but he says he isn't ready yet.

Last week, with me lying next to him in bed, he was playing with himself. When I asked him why he didn't approach me, he said I don't know. I feel like I have been betrayed. He's wanted to kiss and hug me on occasion since this episode and I feel angry when he tries. I told him today that I'm not happy, my needs aren't getting met. I was calm and said, I am happy you are getting counseling and things are improving. I want to believe things will change and we can have hope but I am scared to put my heart back out there. Then he acted like he didn't know what I was talking about which infuriated me, though I said nothing. He said "you better be careful or I am going to check out". Now he isn't speaking to me. I am just so tired of trying and tired of rejection.

[gadgetlady 4]

I don't have any words of wisdom for you but I just wanted to let you know that I hurt just reading your words; you will be in my prayers. Marriage, and especially sexuality in marriage, are supposed to be "safe havens" where you can be free to express anything. It's so hard to put yourself out there when you've experienced rejection in this area. All I can say is if at all possible you should try to get into counseling with him. It is desperately needed.

[BJean 16]

mizzupoodle: Sounds like your man checked out long ago. Don't let him put you on a guilt trip by making threats like that! He obviously has some issues that he's dealing in those counseling sessions. The fact that he's excluding you says pretty much that right now he's only interested in his problems - and is not taking any responsibility for your pain and frustration and doesn't care that you're hurt and confused. You can't get things worked out when you don't even know what the problem is.

You should go for counseling on your own too. Seriously. This isn't a pi$$ing contest. You need to survive whatever is coming too. This marriage isn't just about him. And your children deserve both parents. Not just you and not just him. You owe it to them to work through whatever the problems armay be. They deserve a happy mother. If you won't do it for yourself (and you should) then do it for your children.

Once things are a little clearer to both of you, then you can work on counseling togther. Sometimes if it is a good counselor, all it takes is one or two sessions. Seriously!

[Mizzoupoodle 0]

Thank you for your kind replies and the suggestions. I am going to go ahead and seek counseling for myself, what do I have to lose? It might really help. I am so confused right now, I don't know what is right and what is wrong. Am I wrong to expect him to be part of my sexuality? Sometimes I think I should just be grateful I have someone who works hard and doesn't knock me around. Am I crazy to want more?

It's just so lonely and so humiliating.

I've been thinking of separating but want to exhaust every option before I take that step. I was banded in Mexico on the 25th of July. I went alone, he stayed here with the kids. I did get a quesy feeling on the night of the 26th when I called home and I couldn't get ahold of him till about 1:30 in the morning central time. He said he had a sitter and went out with his buddies. Honestly, I was a little hurt that he didn't care how I was and had made it impossible to get ahold of him if I needed him. I never used to doubt him, but now I am.

He is sleeping in the basement tonight, he's so angry.