Intimacy

[TheGh0st 9]

Sorry about the troubles you are having with your son. I hope it works itself out. Your oldest may also surprise you when it comes to the split, I know as a child in a divided house I was actually relieved when they finally split. I almost felt the opposite of what you always hear. Like it was my fault they were staying together even though they were miserable.

My DH & I seem to be doing a bit better ourselves. Different issues I know. He still hates all things band related and would be furious to know I've started the PS thread. He won't even look at the pics himself. Infact I only just told him today that they existed (not that they were online.) He just doesn't understand. Oh well.

Except for the band related issues he does seem a bit better still rather distant but not as distant as before. For a while there it seemed neither one of us could have a conversation no matter how casual without one or both of us getting irritated with the other. I despise the thought of my 4 year old growing up in a house with his parents fighting in front of him so there were a couple times I just walked away, which only made him madder at first.

My thoughts for the last few months were to keep my head down and just wait until this PS surgery was all said and done. Then if things weren't getting better to approach him about counseling. Don't get me wrong I didn't have any belief that the PS was going to improve things just that I didn't want to stir a hornets nest and risk it getting cancelled. That may be selfish of me but I had to do it that way for my own sake. And in some strange way the PS may actually be helping. Now that it is over with and I'm in the recovery phase some of the tension he was feeling seems to be gone like now that its over there is no point in worrying about it anymore or something. He also joined a gym this last week and has gone 3 times already. He's never really been overweight at least never like I was but he has put on a good 20-30 pounds since I was banded and is a little taken aback by the fact that I'm now the more fit one. I hope this helps his confidence a bit.

Still, if we can we should probably get away to a marriage retreat or at least a couples holiday somehow next year sometime. We've grown apart a bit over the last 10 years. We know it and we want to change it, we are just having a hard time finding a new common ground.

[ShineNSta 0]

I'm 25 and have bene with my 26 year old boyfriend Anthony for 7 years. When we first met we had sex all the time..but since moving in together we rarely have sex anymore. It is probably a 3-4 month occurrence. I had a really hard time dealing with it at first..I thought to myself over and over that it was because he thought I wasn't attractive..and I STILL think that has something to do with it... but now I'm used to it and I think of us as having evolved beyond sex being a big deal. I know physical intimacy is important in any relationship but we show are affection in many other ways...cuddling..kissing..holding hands (which we never used to do at the start of the relatinoship).. These days I am just as happy to go to bed and cuddle with my partner without having sex.. It would be wonderful if he found me more attractive once I lose my weight and if sex does become interesting/exciting again then GREAT! But I am happy either way..

[nume130 0]

Shine: thats great that you are able to show so much affection to each other.

Diane: it would be great if you and your H can get away. Is he open to that do you think?

[TheGh0st 9]

Shine - I bet things heat up after the band so to speak. I envy your hand holding and cuddling though. That is more my problem. The DH is fine with having sex 1 even 2 times a week (if I'd let him) but he just doesn't seem interested in me any other time of the day and even in bed foreplay is not much more than "honey, are you awake?" The sex has been MUCH better since the band but the other areas really haven't changed any. And a lot of our issues as of late have revolved around my being tired of putting up with that. In some ways I think it is a byproduct of my success with the band. I just don't feel like putting up with what I feel is second rate behaviour on my DH's part. I want it all, both in and out of the bedroom.

Nume - Yeah I think he would be up for a trip together, even a marriage retreat perhaps. But it will probably have to wait until next summer when our budget and available work time off recover. I was toying with a trip to Boston around our Anniversary in March. Neither of us have been there and we've always wanted to go. One of the few things we still have in common is an interest in old architecture and cathedrals. We absolutely LOVE traveling around Europe. Unfortunately that isn't something we can afford to do often enough to be our only common thread. But we are both aware of the problem and we do sit down every once and awhile and try to brainstorm ideas of something new we might be able to share together. We just haven't figured it out yet.

He like Jazz, I think it is OK and would be willing to go places with him to listen to it. But he says he can't enjoy it when he is worried about trying to remember to hold my hand or try to have a conversation with me. He just likes to listen to it alone. I've rediscovered a love for walking and being outdoors, but he hates being outside or walking. I love all things Science Fiction, he use to be into some of it and at one time even read the Lord of the Rings Trilogy to me but now has no interest whatseover in Science Fiction wether its books, movies or TV. We both use to like working in the yard, him on roses, me on my flower beds and a pond I had at our last house, but now he hates being outside for any reason. He loves reading historical books, mostly revolving around the Civil War, WWI & WWII or various politicians from the past such as Lincoln, Jackson, etc. I grew up in a house that "lived" in the past spending holidays looking at old historic battle fields, even dressing up to renact the civil war, and now I hate just about all things related to history. We are both Christians and that was a common bond for us but shortly after I got the band we decided to leave the church we had been attending for the last several years to try to find one with a larger youth group. The one we were at had no children within about 3 years of our sons age. The problem with this is we really haven't found a new church we all like since leaving that one. He found one he loves and I HATE. We also found one our 4 year old loves and we find to be somewhat luke warm to. We've fallen into a pattern of going to the one church together as a family in the mornings then he goes to the other church Sunday evenings, Teusdays & Wednesdays. Part of me hates that he goes and wishes he'd stop the other part encourages him to leave just to give me some alone time. Honestly of all the issues we have I tend to feel that our not having a good solid church home that we agree on is really the root of most of our problems, but he sees no problem with it and is happy to continue attending two different churches.

OK enough rambling. Compared to so many others I shouldn't complain, I know. Things could be so much worse.

[ShineNSta 0]

Hi ghost - I know exactly what you're going though...my man's the same! They don't understand the meaning of 'quality time'. Believe me, its been the cause of many an arguement in my relationship! It is good to sit down with your hubby and explain that sometimes being with each other isn't enough and you would like to feel a little more physical affection day-to-day. I agree with nume - a trip away does wonders for a relationship because there are no distractions from one another. Just because you both have budget restrictions doesn't mean you can't get away for a couple of days - you can go camping, arrange a weekend trip out to the country (do you know anyone who has a holiday house you can borrow for a night or two?). When you're away from all the stresses, a couple of days feels like a lot longer and you'll both appreciate the break and have the chance to really enjoy being around one another!

Another thing I like to do is give my boy a back scratch before bed - he LOVES it..but only on the proviso he gives me a massage/back scratch in return..then you're both relaxed and appreciative of each other (perfect instigator for cuddling). Believe it or not, having a shower together's also a great way to have a laugh and get in some physical affection (wash each other's hair, scrub his back etc)

Unlike me, my boy's very active and he thinks nothing is sexier than a girl in trackies getting sweaty, washing the dishes or making his dinner so he's quiet happy to sit and cuddle in exchange for being freed from chores..not always how I like it to be but it makes for excellent blackmail hehe

[rrod0991 0]

my husband and I have been together since he was 14 and I was 17, that is a long time 17 years. We have had a rough go of it. When we had been together 9 years he had an affair. He was with her for 6 months. Before that sex was great. Ever since that he has had no interest in sex what so ever. Our counciler says it is due to increadable guilt. I know he loves me to death and he did not do it to hurt me he did it because he is a man and men cannot help themselves sometimes. I know that he has not done anything since then and it has been 8 years. We have worked past all of it but the only thing that hurts is he doesn't want me. He works while I am asleep as a chef and I work at the hospital while he is asleep so we really don't see eachother much. I am very lonely and it would be worse if he didn't understand what he is doing. We have done "it" no more than three times a year since 1999. I love my husband and he does not mind cuddeling me and holding me but that is all I get.

[schampange 8]

I am going through an emotional crisis! I have been with my fiancee' 5 years, and i think im done... Im just not willing to put myself through anymore.. Anyone else had probs with their relationships after banding?

[AppleSmith1226 1]

I just wanna know ?!?!?! When does couples just STOP having sex??? When does this happen I mean this is MARRIAGE!! What makes it just end?!?! I don't know any man in the WORLD that will just stop giving their women the bone unless 1) HE IS GAY! 2) HE'S BONING SOMEONE ELSE (this may consist of him not being attracted to you anymore yes it can happen) or 3) HE IS GAY!!! I mean come on ladies you remember how to get your man hard. You married him that is YOUR MAN!!!!! Give him a blow job for heaven's sake. I don't remeber what scripture but the bible does say man don't withold sex for your wives and wives don't with hold sex from your husbands look it up it's there!!!!

[green 6]

I just wanna know ?!?!?! When does couples just STOP having sex??? When does this happen I mean this is MARRIAGE!! What makes it just end?!?! I don't know any man in the WORLD that will just stop giving their women the bone unless 1) HE IS GAY! 2) HE'S BONING SOMEONE ELSE (this may consist of him not being attracted to you anymore yes it can happen) or 3) HE IS GAY!!! I mean come on ladies you remember how to get your man hard. You married him that is YOUR MAN!!!!! Give him a blow job for heaven's sake. I don't remeber what scripture but the bible does say man don't withold sex for your wives and wives don't with hold sex from your husbands look it up it's there!!!!

Couples stop boning each other for many reasons. The reasons which you cite are two of these. But sometimes they stop because of boredom, stress, or unresolved issues which lead to resentment. You are only 19 and so I realise that it may be difficult for you to believe but, trust me, both men and women can grow sexually bored with each other and yet still love each other enough that they have no desire to cheat. Ongoing job, financial and family stresses will also suck the sexual energy out of both men and women, as will the depression that these anxieties may cause. Issues which cause feelings of anger and resentment which are then buried can cause a man to no longer want to bone his wife. I have heard of men who become jealous of the attention that their wives lavish on their new-born children. Of course a jealousy of this kind is difficult to for him to acknowledge because it leaves the man, the father of the kid, looking not so good in both his own eyes and the eyes of his wife, and so he broods about this instead and withholds sex. This is just one example, of course, of how unspoken anger or resentment can lead to sexual dysfunction in a marriage.

Even in the very best of marriages couples bone a lot less often later on than they do during the first year or so. This is due to lack of time, lack of privacy (children), exhaustion (children, jobs, etc), and a certain level of familiarity which, yep, does lead to boredom.

And sometimes men stop boning because they are having actual physical difficulties. They should seek help by seeing a doctor but you know that men are often too macho to be able to deal with this.

Anyhow, AppleSmith (love your name, by the way), I hope my explanation makes some sense to you.

[BJean 16]

green you're quite amazing today.

I have a little story for those youngsters here who think that anyone over 50 shouldn't be having sex.

My SIL's grandmother lost her husband of 58 years last year. Horrible, shocking death, which I won't recount here.

Anyway, recently she somehow was contacted by an old high school boyfriend. (I imagine the old high school network let him know that the husband died.) Now these folks are in their 70s!!

She called her DD (my SIL's mom) and asked for advice about where to get and what to get in the way of sexy lingerie. Seems the old boy is going to meet her someplace between Arizona and New Jersey for a little bada-bing, bada-boom!

Her daughter is completely incensed because her father hasn't been in the grave a full year. When she admonished her mother, her mother said, "Honey, your father was the most lousy lover in the world. I stuck by him for 58 years and went without for most of those. Now you're not going to give me a hard time for wanting some hot sex and close intimacy before I die, are you?"

I say go for it, old girl!! Life is short! And like Peggy Lee sang, "...so let's keep dancin'... and have a ball"

One day you young whippersnappers will get it too, if you're lucky. :heh:

[rrod0991 0]

" Give him a blow job for heaven's sake."

I have a little information for you. My husband was molested by his brother violently from the age of 2 years old to the age of 17 years old. In that abuse he had to endure anal rape and forced "blow jobs" as you put it. Two years ago we found out that our 14 year old son was forcing our 10 year old daughter into giving him oral sex. Do you really think my husband wants anyone in that area of his body. My husband and I do not have sex because he was really messed up from what his brother did to him and then finding out what his son did to his daughter. He also cheated on me and has a lot of guilt from that. S simple blow job does not fix everything and not all men enjoy that.

I am sorry to those of you that may have been hurt by what has been said in this post but I feel it needed to be said .

[TheGh0st 9]

rrod0991 - I am so sorry for the issues you and your family has had to experience. My father also experienced something similar but at the hands of his elder sister. My mother was also abused by her uncle for many years and my sister & I though never abused as children had to endure many unsuccessful attempts by the husband of our father's sister while growing up (yes the same one that hurt him). Then were both raped by "boys" in college. Experiences like these can severely impact ones view on sexuality and other activities in the bedroom. I actually consider myself fairly lucky to have come away as "unscathed" (compared to my parents) as I did. Yet even I have some serious issues that my husband has troubles understanding.

I doubt that Applesmith meant any disrespect. Its just sad that the solution can't be so easy as that for many of us.

[rrod0991 0]

Thank you Ghost. Until you have been molested you can never imagine what it has been like for someone that has and the emotional damage it does to them for the rest of their life. My husband cheated on me. People ask why I stayed with him. He did not do it to hurt me or to cause any pain to the marriage but simply could not help himself. people like him have a screwed up vision of what sex is, he could have sex with you 100 times and not have any feelings for you . He and I have never had a relationship based on sex, even when he was and I was 17. We only had sex a few times before he turned 18 and none at all on our wedding night. I have been with him for a long time and understand him, that does not mean that I don't miss him next to me.

[BJean 16]

rrod: what a horror story! My heart goes out to you, your husband and your whole family. I hope that a lot of forgiveness and healing is taking place in your family.

A lot of us have suffered from repressed guilt or pain from abuse when we were children. It often results in dysfunctional sexual relationships when we're adults. Many overweight people were abused as children. We have to do all we can to overcome the demons that haunt us from our childhoods. Nobody is trying to make light of that, I'm sure.

People try to be funny here because it is fun to joke around and kid each other. No one means to inflict further pain from past experiences. I hope though, that we can all keep our sense of humor since sometimes that's the only fun we have going in our lives. I for one, will try to lighten up when I think someone is a little out of line from now on.

[rrod0991 0]

I understand what you are saying and I do apologize to anyone I offended by what I said. Intamacy is a very hard thing for some to deal with. My husband and I love eachother very much and he does not want me to have the surgery for fear of loosing me on the table. Like many here he has no plans to leave the relationship he just does not like intercourse, and understandably so. I just have my treasure trunk.