Intimacy

[2bthinagn 3]

Ok since we are all being so honest...... A lot has to do with the man wanting to please you,him being patient and listening to your wants. If you have a hard time reaching orgasm try being the one on top,you can be in control of the motion and you get a better friction that way. Also, if the self image is a problem...do it in the dark! The sex with my husband now, who I feel is my very best friend was great when we first got together. We only saw each other on weekends, sometimes I would walk him to his car, REACH IN to squeeze him goodnight, and have to go back inside! It was great!!! On our wedding night "I" was the one that didnt want it. We had flown to Vegas to get married, it was a very long day and I was totally exhausted. Well, he TALKED me into it. Forward 20 years later....I think it has been 3-5 years since we have had climactic sex. He says we are both TOO BIG. He takes high blood pressure meds,he has all his life. I think he has ED. He will not talk to the Dr about this. If I go with him next time I am going to bring it "up". He rarely says "I love you" unless I insist that he does. When we first started dating I had to take his hand and hold it walking in the mall or store. Now he reaches for mine.I would love to wake up to his touch,but it doesnt happen. I know it gets on his nerves when I ask for affection, but I wouldnt ask so much if he gave it more freely. Its like it doesnt count if you have to ask for it. He does show his love in other ways all day long. Since I have started the lapband path,he is the one that fixes my Protein Shakes in the morning. He loves the 2 kids I brought to this marriage,they call him their "Dad". He is a very good Dad too. I am hoping after the band and with some weightloss things will get more affectionate. I know it is going to improve how "I" feel about myself. And hopefully it will make my DAMN KNEES NOT HURT SO MUCH!!!! And mine plugs into the wall too. LOL

[green 6]

That won't be any problem at all, Green. I'm am deeply indebted and grateful. There's no other man for me.

I can't thank you enough.

Aw shucks, grrl. :embarassed:

[rroswelltx 1]

Green you are so wise, sometimes finding a way to see what he may be thinking is the answer, and it's hard when your so close to the situation. Sometimes it doesn't take much for a man to feel stripped of his manhood, even though we aren't DOING IT too them, they take it out on use to regain that power like green said. Let us know how it works IM....

[IMFine 0]

I'll sure let y'all know how it goes. I think I'll wait a few days-just because I kinda blew up on Saturday, and then wouldn't stay in the room with him Sunday. Yes, I pouted.

So, I'm thinking later this week, perhaps a day when he hasn't been surfing, so that I can keep the edge out of my voice.

BTW--today is my post-op appt with my sturgeon. I sure hope I get released for mushies. It's been 2 1/2 weeks of liquids and I'm kinda anxious to get on with it. I know, patience, patience. But man, would some mashed potatoes with sharp cheddar be lovely, or what?

[nume130 0]

I guess porn is the current subject: I have been away and didn't have access to internet. I do feel very strongly that porn is adultery, how can it be otherwise? I would have no idea, if my H was into porn. We all have our own computers and I'm sure the history would be erased. He has been into porn in the past (gay porn of course) but that was over 8 years ago, but now I have no idea.

[carol1951 0]

Last night I couldn't sleep and I did what I always do I go up and ate a bowl of ceral. I then ate a couple of Cookies. I really thought there was no emotion involved, but as I was going back to bed I had this thought. I was really mad, hurt, feeling rejected and lonely. I really wanted my DH to just hold me and love me. I knew he had a Headache before we went to bed. I knew their was a snowball chance in hell that we would be intimate, but its not always about sex.

I have to stop punishing myself and speak up for myself. I was really trying to make myself feel better with food. Now that I have this information I need to try to turn it around. I truely thought I was just hungry, but I wasn't.

[BJean 16]

Carol: Why is it I've always had those revelations AFTER I eat the cookies/cereal, instead of right before?

I'm really lucky in that after a certain time in the evening I don't eat. Of course why should I since I've spent my whole day focused on food.< /p>

I am sure that if most of us didn't have intimacy issues with our significant others, we wouldn't be battling the weight thing as much. Of course it's always, "which came first, the chicken or the egg?" (In my case it would be the loaded omelet, oozing with cheese.)

I have just decided that what we're all wishing for and hoping for and can't understand why we don't have it, is unconditional love. We want our spouses to love us whether we weigh 800 lbs or 100 lbs.

When we got our first Min. Schnauzer, Maggie, my DH loved her so much that when my daughter asked me oneday, "Mom, if you could be anyone you want to be, who would you be?" I unhesitatingly answered, "Maggie". My heart goes out to you darlin'.

[nume130 0]

I will be starting counselling on Thursday. I hope this will help me get my life sorted out.

[BJean 16]

nume130: I am thrilled for you. I hope you've found someone really good who will truly listen and help you figure out where you're going and how you're going to get there!

I am very proud of you for taking charge of your life. We're not victims unless we allow ourselve to be. I have a feeling that you are headed down a road to happiness and fulfillment. Please keep us posted. We really care about you.

[Marimaru 7]

I feel the need to chime in, as I seem to have a different view on the porn issue. For the guys who will watch porn VS. intimacy with their partners, yes, I can see equating that to adultery, however, I will watch it WITH my DH, sort of as a form of foreplay. We don't do it all the time, not even most of the time or half the time. Every now and then one of us will say "hey let's make a night of it" and that kind of implies starting off with porn. Usually it's on for like 10 minutes and then we aren't paying attention anymore. The only time he watches it by himself, is when I'm out of town, or when he's gotten something new he wants check out, and usually I'm here.

It's just a different view, I guess. To the women who's husbands are replacing their sex lives with porn, I second what Green said, about suggesting that since they are finding an alternative, you should be able to find an alternative. You don't even really have to mean it, to get them to think about it, probably.

[BJean 16]

Well I have to say that I too think that there is a time and place for some pornography in healthy relationships. Since I've gained so much weight I am too uncomfortable in my own skin to enjoy seeing a slender, healthy nude chick in the same room with me (on the bedroom TV). So I avoid it like the plague. But I used to get inspired whether I planned to or not when it was on. The DH knew me too well. Sneaky rascal. :bandit

If he put it on in spite of how I felt about it, I would feel really dejected and angry. If he holed up in a room with it to avoid having sex with me, I would want to run away with someone who appreciated me. That may sound selfish to some of you, but I didn't sign up for anything less than a 50-50 relationship. We both compromise - not just one of us. And neither of us winds up being a martyr and resenting the other.

I have to confess that we've been married for 36 years though. It wasn't always that way. And it really did take a lot of work over the years. But if you seriously love each other, it is well worth the effort.

[green 6]

When I was a naive young militant feminist I thought that porn had absolutely no place in a relationship between a man and a woman, that it was an insult to the woman. After working in a man's world (I used to build aircraft) for many, many years as well as doing a lot of reading on the differences (many of these rooted in our evolutionary past) in male and female psychology I have come to change my opinion on porn. While I am still personally kind of uncomfortable around it - I find close-ups of genitals that I am not actively involved with to be kind of icky - many men do like to look. Looking for them is rather like reading sexy novels is for many of us.

Many of the guys I worked with looked at porn, ogled the office chicks, and sometimes went to strip clubs...and then they went home to their wives and children who were the only people who really counted in these men's lives. After working there for awhile I became treated as an honorary man, a situation which I found both flattering and unflattering at the same time. :phanvan It certainly lead to some weird experiences - offers to go to the strip joints with the rest of the guys was one, offers to look at their porn collections was another. :tired It was at times like these when I would gently remind them that I am a woman and not really interested, but thanks for thinking of me. Porn is porn and men do enjoy looking at sexy material, even if this is just a cute young girl in a bikini. It seems that this is the way that they are built. It is when porn or any other specific aspect of an individual's sexuality becomes an obsession that a couple's life becomes out of whack and suffering is the result.

[green 6]

I will be starting counselling on Thursday. I hope this will help me get my life sorted out.

I am very, very pleased to hear that you have chosen to do this. This sure is a positive step to getting yourself in a good place. I have been seeing a psychologist for some years now and have found my visits with her to be a most useful tool for helping me wade through my own nest of issues. Because I am a major depressive and do have anger issues rooted in my own painful childhood I have seen a number of mental dentists throughout my adult years. Some of them are much better than others. If you find that you are not clicking with this one, do not blame yourself; find a different one. This is my only advice to you, sez Green.

[BJean 16]

Green you seem to be a very intelligent, quick-witted, lovely woman. Therefore if you really believe that your former male co-workers thought of you as one of them, and offered to share their pornographic material with you because you were just another guy, you are seriously in denial. And denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

[green 6]

Green you seem to be a very intelligent, quick-witted, lovely woman. Therefore if you really believe that your former male co-workers thought of you as one of them, and offered to share their pornographic material with you because you were just another guy, you are seriously in denial. And denial ain't just a river in Egypt.

Oh, they were pretty funny. They used to tell me absolutely filthy jokes (which, by the way, I adore) and this would always freak out the newbies. "Hey!" they would say, "there's a woman present." "Green?!? Naw, she's one of us."

And one time this seriously creepy and very unattractive office techie type developed a crush on me. My co-workers were both incredulous and highly amused by this. Of course they were used to seeing me in work boots and safety glasses. But come to think about it, I have always worn perfume.... Ya think they woulda noticed, eh.