Intimacy

[nicnaknut 0]

Hi nume130, I understand about your other angers. I am the same way.The intimacy thing is just a part of it. After all 12 years without any kind of affection, it tends to bring on all kinds of anger and depression.

I am so tired of being fat, angry and depressed. I am missing out on so much in life with things the way they are right now. I can hardly wait to get banded and at least get my weight under control.

[BJean 16]

I heard a discussion years ago about men and myths. Many of them, especially those over 30, would rather just take care of things themselves. Initially I was shocked. I believed all this hype everywhere about how men are horn dogs and want to jump any and every female. Well that is bunk. A lot of men have just as many hangups as some of us women. Their weight and self-esteem are factors too.

For many men, taking care of the physical release themselves is relatively easy. Afterall most of them have taken care of business that way since they were young boys. And that takes very little effort compared to what we women expect and need. There's no emotional baggage they have to deal with from us. And if we take a long time to climax, that's another drag for them. All in all, as they age they just are not as motivated as they were when they were in their teens and twenties. And if they're overweight, even less than that.

And some men who are wealthy choose to patronize hookers rather than deal with all the emotional baggage and intimacy issues with their wives. They just don't need all that. They're stressed from such competive lives they lead. They just need the physical release. Bada-boom, bada bang.

So although this is a very sad state of affairs, I don't think we women should be so hard on ourselves. Sharing our stories with each other sure helps too. Can you believe how many women are telling their stories here and how alike they sound? I'm sure there are even more lurking out there with similar frustrations.

[green 6]

My husband loves to masturbate. This is a good thing for me because I have no sex drive at all thanks to being on anti-depressants. I am lucky that he is a loving man but he does leave me feeling sad that I am chemically castrated and don't do much for him except go through the motions every few months.

[rroswelltx 1]

the funny thing is with my H, is the years where we weren't having sex except for once every 8 or 9 months, I would talk to him about whether he was taking care of himself then, and he said no, he had no desire to do that either. I thought that was weird.

[TheGh0st 9]

I sometimes wish my husband would. He's got it in his head its a sin though I don't know where that one's "written". Though I suppose in his favor he also believes it increases his desire to look at porn which he swore off nearly 10 years ago. So if thats what it takes to keep him away from the porn I guess its OK. But it sure makes it more difficult for me to get mine in without rushing or worrying about getting caught.

[green 6]

I think that I am lucky that my husband has no hang-ups in this area. He's always been an enthusiastic wanker. He had a truly horrible case of acne when he was a teenager and so was a total wash-out on the dating scene. This is when he began to apply himself seriously to solitary pleasures.

He has since grown up to be a very handsome man but he has mixed feelings about women coming onto him because he was so badly dissed by them when he was young. His feelings are very similar to ours when we lose weight and find ourselves being taken notice of by men, I guess.

[BJean 16]

Uh I really dated myself using the term "climax" didn't I? I should have said "the big O."

I used to be very disappointed that the DH masterbated because I knew for sure that it meant he wouldn't be as interested in investing the time and energy into making out with me. He was such an anxious and exciting partner before we both gained weight and got older. Now it seems like it is satisfactory to both of us just to do for ourselves whatever we need without bothering the other one. Honestly I do not like it. I much prefer the begging he used to do regularly. :heh:

[green 6]

I have got to confess that before I got my sexual wings clipped thanks to my considerable array of anti-depressants I used to be more than a little offended that my husband seemed to like wankerie as much as he liked me. This was especially annoying because I am a total and utter failure at self-abuse. I thought that this was because my imaginary life had more to do with shopping, home decor, and food and that when I tried to think hot I ended up giggling but it turns out that my ma was a flop at this as well. Guess it's genetics, eh.

To tell you the truth, the other thing which I had noticed about myself long before I ended up on modern anti-depressants is that I do tend to lose sexual interest in my partner after life becomes, well, too domesticated. The more deeply I love someone and am settled in with them the less I am interested in having sex with them. My sexual interest in my mates is always the most powerful during the first 6 months to a year of coupledom, then it does plummet.

From my observances of men and women and the sex thang sexual passion and deep emotional or spiritual love do not always go together. I know a couple who have gone their own sexual ways for decades now. In fact they once jointly decided that the husband should sleep with me "in order to get it out of his system." He has not been physically faithful and yet he is one of the most profoundly emotionally attached men whom I have ever met. His wife, a woman who has only strayed once, I believe, is much less emotionally engaged in her relationship with her husband. How can I speak about this couple with such authority? Well, I have been friends with them independently of each other for decades now. I have been a confidant of both.

I divorced my ex-husband because he was unfaithful to me and he was a disappointment to me in other ways. He later became involved with a fabulous woman who loved him enough that she was willing to swallow the infidelities, though these did cause her pain, because she felt that the relationship which she shared with my ex was worth it in oh so many ways. Indeed she was his main woman, the one who really counted, as I had been while I was married to him. She is a splendid woman and she chose to stay with my ex for decades, until he died of cancer in fact. She is also one of my best friends, by the way - a really cool divorce present, eh.

In every relationship there is an equation which, though based on psychological intangibles, roughly mirrors a business relationship. We are not only giving, we are trading a collection of personal items, and if we come to feel that we are getting nothing back then we will eventually split. Of course these personal items which we are trading may not be particularly healthy - we could be talking an appetite for emotional abuse, for playing the role of martyr, of victim, or whatever........ These may be items which we have created out of our low self-esteem and feelings of self-disgust. It is possible that we are desirous of a little bit of bad treatment because we have never, ever learned anything else. We figure that we are the inferior trading partners, eh.

Very long post from Green, eh?

[BJean 16]

Long yes, but so filled with wonderous content.

I had very good friends since college that were best friends of my first husband and I. They were incredibly hot to trot for each other before they were married and for many years afterwards until they started their family. (They had a difficult time getting preggers) Anyway, he confided to me once that he just couldn't bring himself to be interested in her sexually after she became a mother. No matter what. He said it would be like doing his mother or something. Just not happening. We also discovered that he spent many of his lunch hours at the boobie bars.

Interestingly and sadly I might add, they stayed together for over 30 years. She finally found her brass ovaries and divorced him. They are both remarried and have very active sex lives with their new mates. She is having sex for the first time in an extremely long time and is absolutely delighted. Her new husband thinks she's the hottest chick he's ever been with. I mean afterall she has enormous hooters - all natural too.

I just cannot imagine living with a man that long and not having sex. I'm afraid I'd wind up doing a Lorena Bobbitt. :omg:

[nume130 0]

I guess for the most part I experience great fear and guilt. If I leave my H my guilt over wrecking my family and kids would be so huge- how would I ever be able to start a new life. Also fear- I don't believe a better relationship would come my way.

[green 6]

I guess for the most part I experience great fear and guilt. If I leave my H my guilt over wrecking my family and kids would be so huge- how would I ever be able to start a new life. Also fear- I don't believe a better relationship would come my way.

Why do you feel this way?

[BJean 16]

I sure don't blame you for not wanting to break up the family. But life spins by so quickly, how can you give up on happiness for yourself for the years you have left? I don't know how old you are but from your children's ages I'd guess you are in your early to mid forties. Are you going to spend the rest of your 40 or so years living a lie? Don't you think you are being a bit of a martyr? A martyr as defined as a person who suffers a great deal of pain for a long time. Do you really think that your family wants you to live without the love of a good mate? Are you planning on nursing this man on his death bed (assuming you out live him, which you probably won't because you'll get sick from having a lousy immune system from living with this pain) after he has treated you with such indifference? Why must you pay with your unhappiness to achieve happiness for your children?

I really think you need someone good talk to about this. You need to be able to tell it all and have them play it back to you so that you can understand the futility of your position on this. You know your husband can't change his spots, don't you? I think you said that he is in denial about his "secret" and that no one knows. I don't mean to be mean, but I would be shocked if he really hasn't explored those feelings and been with someone else sexually. How would you feel if you learned for certain that he does have a secret relationship - on the "down low" as they say? Would you be angry? Would it take away some of the guilt you feel?

Of course I could be wrong about all this. I only know what you've chosen to tell us. But in my experience I have to tell you that when someone is in as much pain in a marriage as you are, with the conflicted feelings that you have, there is usually a third person involved. I don't want to be right about this, but I would bet that I am.

[green 6]

BJean's comments are realistic, I think. Your children are now teenagers and will likely shoulder a split-up between you and their father with more equanimity than you think. Afterall, divorces are very common now and they have likely observed more of your relationship than you think. What is apparent in your posts is that you are dreadfully unhappy and that you presently have little love for yourself and little confidence in yourself, a state which is likely the result of the years of your husband's emotional neglect. And yet you are a good mother and a woman with a career who is about to get the band! These are all things to feel very positive about, are they not? You married a man who is wrong for you is all. You married him when you were very young. People do make mistakes. And you must remember that you weren't the only one who made the mistake when you said yes to this marriage; your husband also made a mistake. You did, however, get 3 kids to love out of this failure and that is a wonderful thing.

For what it is worth I believe that it is time for you to move on and to allow your husband to move on as well. You sound like a wonderful woman. There is simply no reason to believe that you will never be loved by someone else.:confused:

[TerriDoodle 6]

From "Conversations With God Book 2":

The Meaning of Love. "For centuries you have been taught that love-sponsored action arises out of the choice to be, do, and have whatever produces the highest good for another. Yet I tell you this: the highest good is that which produces the highest good for you. . . . This is because you and the other are one."

No matter what your spiritual beliefs, I think that everyone can benefit by contemplating these thoughts for a moment. This one phrase has helped me through many tough decisions.

For whatever it's worth to you......

[rroswelltx 1]

I think that I am lucky that my husband has no hang-ups in this area. He's always been an enthusiastic wanker. He had a truly horrible case of acne when he was a teenager and so was a total wash-out on the dating scene. This is when he began to apply himself seriously to solitary pleasures.

He has since grown up to be a very handsome man but he has mixed feelings about women coming onto him because he was so badly dissed by them when he was young. His feelings are very similar to ours when we lose weight and find ourselves being taken notice of by men, I guess.

That made me laugh so hard!!!! Your so funny greens!!!

Very early on I tried to get him to watch something like a porno movie or something to see if it would get him interested, I was desperate, but he said he couldn't do that with ME, he would feel uncomfortable. So maybe it is just and ingrained hangup!!!!

Nume- I think you deserve to be happy, and thinking you should settle comes from the years of neglect. Once you see that you do deserve it and take the right steps toward getting it I think you will find that there is someone out there that will make you feel special and loved in the right ways!!! JMO