Intimacy

[monk 0]

I have been told multiple times to give shoulder hugs and side hugs and in your postion I have to agree. I embraced my kids head on and with a few exceptions that I cleared immediatly, none were taken the wrong way. The few that seemed sexual I slam-dunked right away and never went there again.I did let them know their response was VERY inappropriate and not appreciated. I used to say: I'm old enought o be your Granny, and at 45-50 in these families I was usually right! Welcome, I'm a newbie too!

[monk 0]

I need spell check! lol Monk

[faithmd 14]

...but it just eats and eats at me. And it's stupid stuff that doesn't even really affect me (like my niece naming her adorable little daughter "Hero." I feel like it's emotional abuse and my niece has lost all credibility in my mind, I refuse to call her daughter that, and I label my niece as her husband as arrogant and pretentious--all because of a, IMNSHO, very poor choice)...

Welcome to the thread momlambert!

I chose this portion of your post (which I read with great interest) because I am a similar way. Hero is a STUPID name!!!! I relaly honestly wish people would think before they name their kids some of the CRAP they do these days. I have a "different" name (Faith) and while lots of you may think it's beautiful, it was AWFUL growing up. Parents think oh how cute,or I want my child to be different...It SUCKS being different sometimes. And it really SUCKS not to be able to find pencils or bicycle licenseplates or stickers or locker mirrors or keychains that don't have your name on them. When was the last time you heard of a CEO of a Fortune 500 company named Mocheiriea or Deontay or Hero? I really think what we are named affects us later in life. I truly do.

Anyway...

Sorry, I just had to share my agreement.

[nume130 0]

[quote name=faithmd

I really think what we are named affects us later in life. I truly do.[/quote]

I agree, I think there is a lot in a name. Who would name their daughter apple? Come on. Making fun of a childs name is probably the beginning of being teased. I also think what your name means is important as well as why you were named that. For example, My one daughters name means 'cheerfull', and the other 'most beautiful'. I was named after a tug boat, if you can imagine "the cheryl ann". Doesn't that make your life start out on the right foot.?! And then who would tell the child that is what she is named after!!!- no wonder I am short and squat (fat) ha ha. I guess there is more to worry about in life but there are some secrets I didn't need to know.

It is wonderful to hear the stories people tell about their work with youth. What giving dedicated hearts. Hats off to you all.

Faith: we have missed you. How are you doing since your surgery?

[green 6]

There used to be a website, I don't know whether it still exists, The Institute for Naming Children Humanely. I visited it and found it hilarious. I am one of those who believe in giving kids normal/straight/conventional names. Hero is one dumba$$ name to saddle a little kid with.

[momlambert 77]

There used to be a website, I don't know whether it still exists, The Institute for Naming Children Humanely. I visited it and found it hilarious. I am one of those who believe in giving kids normal/straight/conventional names. Hero is one dumba$$ name to saddle a little kid with.

Thanks for the laugh, Green. Here's the website: Institute for Naming Children Humanely Homepage

I wonder if my niece has a boy next she will name him Heroine? or Heroin? Hmmm. I'll have to ask her...

[green 6]

Thanks for finding this site for me. I am glad that it still exists. It is an important resource and should be e-mailed to everyone who has just given birth.

[faithmd 14]

nume, I'm doing failry well. Thank you for asking. I am on real food (sort of), I've not tried things like tortilla chips or a sandwich or a bowl of spaghetti, but I have had some chicken and fish and a couple small pieces of lamb.

I'm still sore, but I don't have to be concerned with "lovin' " making me more sore

[nicnaknut 0]

Sex, intimacy, cuddling, what's that?? It has been 12 years (yep, years) since our last sexual encounter, so I have just worked my way into fatland. I can tell you that I have built up alot of anger from all of the rejections and not tonight's, that even if he offered it to me on a silver platter I would walk away. I've lost all interest and desire. Sorry, I don't mean to sound harsh. Just frustrated. Thank you all for letting me vent.

[Psyched2 0]

Did they talk to you about the Madonna Complex in counseling? If not, that may be what the issue is about. It might be worth researching and talking to him about it if it is a new thought. Good luck Linda

[nume130 0]

Nicnik: I totally understand the anger. Every once in a while I feel it and I grumble non stop to myself. I am angry about more than that with him though.

What is the madonna complex?

[TheGh0st 9]

Hey all, I'm back. I usually only post from work. My connection at home sucks and I'm paranoid my husband will walk in and find what I've been posting. This is as close to journalling as I get besides the worry over it being found I think I also worry that if I start writing it all down it might make things "worse" by making me face other issues in the marriage that I may be hiding from.

I've also wanted to share this site with some friends and family members that I think could benefit from it but then I don't want them to see my posts. I wish I'd thought it out a bit more ahead of time and maybe created a second identity on Lapband just for this site.

Gadget Lady - Thankyou so much for the offer. I checked out the site and it looks like a good organization. My husband & I went to one years ago before our 3-1/2 year old was born. We've talked of going again but its hard to get away.

Fran, MomLambert & Nicnaknut - Good to see new faces here. Keep posting.

Lambert - I also feel like I'm coming at this site from a little different angle than some. But this thread is for all intimacy problems as far as I'm concerned. My husband do tend to do it around 1 time a week sometimes twice a week and sometime once every 2-3 weeks. Our intimacy problems are twofold, On his side I don't feel that he is NOT affectionate. He never initiates, hugs or holding hands and usually if he says "I love you" it means something else like "Are you done talking yet I really wish you'd leave me alone already" His idea of foreplay is to either ask if I'm awake or to walk into the livingroom while I'm watching TV and say "it's been a while are we going to have sex tonight or what?" On my side I rarely really want sex, I say its because of his poor affection skills but I think that is really only part of it. I know there is also a lot of baggage from what happened to me before we got married. I use to reject my DH most of the time when we first got married as I felt strongly that sex should be a mutually desired act of intimacy not just a chore to be done out of obligation. And having sex after being asked if I was awake or after a day of arguing just didn't seem to interesting to me. We got to the point it was only once every few months then I'd give in and do it even though I didn't want to. I use to get so mad at my Christian friends that would tell me I should "submit" out of some Christian duty. But then about a year before I got the band I started just going with the flow. I have no idea why, maybe I was just tired of seeing the rejection in his face or maybe it was a change in my hormone levels after our son was born. But I will say that it has gotten easier and more enjoyable over time. Many times when he asks (before we go to bed) I will still say how about tomorrow and he's learned to accept that. There has even been the rare occasion when he has nearly behaved in a way that might be called foreplay. I still desperately miss the non-bedroom affection. It really plays on your insecurities. Making me worry sometimes when we have sex it isn't because he wants me so much as it is he just wants sex and I happen to be the female next to him. Don't get me wrong I don't believe he has ever cheated and doubt he ever would, but then again where have I heard that before?

OK I've rambled enough for this morning.

[carol1951 0]

I understand, my DH doesn't like intimacy, cuddling,or even kissing, or saying I LOVE YOU. I know we have been married almost 38 years, but in the last ten it has really began to bug me that he can't see my side. I love kissing, cuddling, holding hands. He just doesn't like to touch at all. We sleeping a king size bed and we never touch or spoon. Sex is almost never anymore, maybe every 6 or 8 weeks. I love sex and still want it more than he does. I understand the anger and the self doubt that goes with the rejection. I have told him that I will never ask for sex again it up to him, I'm tired of trying. When the kids were at home we had a very active sexual life, and I know that since the kids left home that I have put on the most weight around 100 lbs since the early ninetys. I also worked nights starting in 1993 and I know that has had a lot to do with the weight gain, but the rejection hurts the most.

I retired last year and I'm home all the time, but the sex is almost never. I always wonder if this is the last time I will have sex. I not good at the self satifaction.

Thanks for this thread it has made me aware that I'm not alone and its alot more common than I every thought it was.

[nume130 0]

Hi Carol, thanks for posting. I did the same thing, I told my H that I will never ask for sex again. It has been 3 years and he hasn't asked once. So is that the answer? For me it is at this time. I don't think I could take one more rejection, I'd smother him in his sleep, I'd go over the deep end etc. etc. I am at my limit.

Once you said that to him, did it make any difference?

Anyway, can anyone tell us what is wrong with these men?????? Or is this normal???? There seems to be way to many of us in this situation.

[carol1951 0]

Hi Carol, thanks for posting. I did the same thing, I told my H that I will never ask for sex again. It has been 3 years and he hasn't asked once. So is that the answer? For me it is at this time. I don't think I could take one more rejection, I'd smother him in his sleep, I'd go over the deep end etc. etc. I am at my limit.

Once you said that to him, did it make any difference?

Anyway, can anyone tell us what is wrong with these men?????? Or is this normal???? There seems to be way to many of us in this situation.

Not really. It was better for a couple of months then back to same or thing. I make all the effort and he just lets me. I don't even ask to go out eat any more. We never go to eat either. I believe he is ashamed of me and thats why. I think and I can't blame him that I probaby turn him off with all this weight. On the other hand the more he rejected me the more I would eat. I use to get up and night and instead of crying I would stuff myself with food. Since the band I have stop most of the midnight raid on the food. The rejection is still real to me, maybe it is all in my head, but I don't think so.

Thanks again for the reply. It really helps knowing that there is others out there. The problem remains how do we get through to them. I really do love him or I wouldn't be here today.