Intimacy

[BJean 16]

Oprah did a show on forgiveness once that I had a hard time getting into initially. I just couldn't grasp the concept of forgiving someone who didn't admit their guilt, didn't ask for your forgiveness, and only displayed scorn for you.

The context was in a drunk driving incident. The parents of the child who was killed forgave the drunk driver. It was very powerful and I did understand how they could go to him in prison, speak with him, and forgive him and even invite him into their lives when he was released. It was good for everyone involved.

I'm not sure if sexual abuse can be handled in quite the same way, although they seemed to say that it could be and should be for one's own mental health. Accomplishing it fully might be extremely difficult, but certainly a worthy goal.

On the porn issue, rather than porn causing deviant behavior, I think you're saying that we might find that deviants just like pornography. That could be the reason why one person found that in every sexual abuse/violence case he came up against, the abuser used pornography. The way it was presented initially made me think that the speaker was presenting a case claiming that porn causes sexual violence.

[nume130 0]

Yes BJ, I agree. Porn probably doesn't cause a person to become a deviant but it is part of the equation. It may be that porn causes a seed to be planted. Or maybe the seed is there and porn is one thing that feeds it. But either way it I do believe the perv has a weakness in this area and porn is all part of the sick cycle.

With forgiveness esp. sexual abuse, I am not sure you actually have to go to the person to tell them you forgive them. I simply believe that you have to be willing to forgive them and then God helps you with the rest. It is way to hard to do within your own strength. I have never gone to my uncle. Could never stand the guy, wouldn't ever approach him to tell him I forgive him, never. He recently died and he's in God's hands now.

[TheGh0st 9]

Monk, I don't know that my faith is one to be envied because God knows I have questioned Him a number of times. Who's to know what the future holds. I have been hypocritical at least 10 times today, oh well. I do know that what is most important is what you do and you have touched many lives (add me to the list). You have values and morals - that counts.

I couldn't have said it better. I am NO saint. Monk it is you that is an inspiration to me, I feel humbled by the obstacles you have overcome and the positive influence you are for so many.

- Diane

[rroswelltx 1]

There is a really great book out right now from Beth Moore, called Get Out of that pit. It talks about all of lifes pit that we have learned to live in and made our home, even the ones that we were thrown in by someone. Great read, I would suggest it to all, everyone whether abused or not have been in pits in their live, and some may still be there and not recognize it.

Cathy you may have indeed hit on something about the men we chose, maybe when we married our hopes that we would grown together with our desire for eachother, instead like you mentioned in my case, as i became more comfortable mine went far beyond his, leaving me feeling hurt once again....

[BJean 16]

One of the memories I have that makes me very uncomfortable is... my much older cousin (a creep, if I ever saw one) and I were walking down the street from his house to mine. He told me that our "secret word" would be "sidewalk" and that I should never tell anyone and that it would refer to what we had just done at his house. I can't remember doing anything. I seem to know, however, that "sidewalk" is a a really bad thing. He always disgusted me before and after that event, and I did everything it took to keep my distance from him after that. In a couple of years, they moved many states away from us and I was very relieved.

When I was involved in all the pre-wedding events when I was 19 and getting married the first time, his mother and he showed up at my parents house (unannounced) with a lavish wedding gift. My mom couldn't understand why I was too busy to come see them and unwrap the gift. They had not been invited to the wedding. I suppose my mother had talked to his mother on the phone and mentioned it. They traveled 1800 miles and as I said, came unnounced. I avoided mom's house like the plague until they left. Everyone in the family was impressed with their gift. I immediately gave it to my older sister.

His little brother is a comedian. Seriously. He came to Orlando for a gig when I lived there and my older sister and her family and me and my family went to see him and his wife after his show. It was extremely awkward. He said something to the effect..."I'm still seeing a shrink and you certainly know what that's all about." He then insisted on buying my dinner.

I still have no idea what he was talking about and none of my family did either. I would like to talk to him now and find out what he meant. He's no longer living in Kansas City and I have completely lost touch again.

Anyway, it isn't the only mysterious missing memory I have. There are at least 2 more. And I've always wondered if what is hiding somewhere in my brain are memories of sexual abuse.

I was married for 4 years to my first husband and never was "fulfilled" sexually. I learned to just fake it so that he wouldn't ask the question if I had "gotten there." I was always a very reluctant sexual partner. And after my divorce, sometimes I slept with a guy in the hopes that he would think I was cool enough to love. I participated totally for my partner's pleasure - never, ever for my own. It was way too embarrassing to ever allow myself to feel good during sex. I made no sounds and was always anxious for it to just be overwith.

Fortunately I met and married my current DH, who was extremely patient and kind and understanding and persistent. He explained to me once that since it made me feel good to do things for him, why wouldn't I allow him to do things for me, which would make him feel good. I saw the logic in that and began to relax. I have done much better, have learned to enjoy it, but have never fully ever let my guard down - after 30 years!

I used to wish I was bulimic or even anorexic, believe it or not. I tried throwing up a time or two but it was too painful to keep that up! I love to lose weight...it is the most incredible feeling to be in control of my food intake, but as soon as I look at the scales and they show a loss, I am on an out of control binge until I put the weight I've lost back on.

Am I screwed up, or what! I don't expect anyone to psychoanalyze me here, but if any of you can relate, I'd love to know that I'm not a totally off the wall, completely alone nut-case. BTW, I have been BANDED!!

[monk 0]

Hey BJean, I know that I also have blocked many memories of the abuse that I went through, this is not uncommon.I also have very few memories of childhood, except for special occasions or a few of the bad ones. Funny, the medium I saw told me this. I grew up in the 70's and "self-medicated" with pot. My kids know this but I make sure I let them know, and the students who have asked that the product they have today is totally different, much stronger and generally painted ( I say tainted) with pharmacueticals. Very dangerous.I like how you handled your unexpected visit. Did your family know why? He doesn't deserve any more "sidewalk".He has obviously admitted to what happened, let them know what a dirtbag he is.

Diane, thanks for your compliment, I really don't feel worthy. I do what I do because it makes me feel better, but also I feel at home with my kids.They are as much to me as the most expensive doctor would be. They know I'm flawed but love me anyway. As they say: "Ms. P.! You off the chain!" Yes I am and thats why I'm still here. I laugh all the time and find humor everywhere.

[BJean 16]

I use humor a lot too, Monk. To me it only makes sense to yuk it up and be happy instead of being so intense and taking ourselves so seriously. Many times people do not understand that I am trying to be funny. They think I am flaky and inappropriate. Well I decided a long time ago that it's okay if people don't understand me. I don't understand people who have a chip on their shoulder or who think they have all the answers to the meaning of life. It used to crush me if I felt misunderstood. No more. I just don't have time for all that. I can actually walk away without worrying myself to death over it. It's a much nicer place to be in.

My SIL just came back from a business trip in CA. He said they had just closed some pot shops. They were places where people who had a prescription could buy "pharmacutical" marijuana. He said that the one he saw looked like a candy shop but with dope instead of candy. He said they are being closed because they were price gouging. They made $95M in the past 3 years. Price gouging??? Now who would be able to figure that out and why would that keep it from being legally sold?

I guess the reason we don't get smart and control dope in this country is because there is so much money to be made illegally, they're able to keep it illegal, with lots of bribes I guess. And they keep lacing it with more and more unusual highly addictive substances. Hmmm. Reminds me of the tobacco companies. Capitalism. You can't live with it and you can't live without it.

[monk 0]

I am so stupid when it comes to internet lingo! What is SIL, DH...should I be blushing?

[BJean 16]

Ha, ha, ha, oh goodness no, Monk! I was completey lost when I started reading threads here. DH = Dear Husband; SIL = Sister-in-law; DD = Darling Daughter; MIL = Mother-in-law, and so forth.

Hang in there... it won't take you long and before you know it you'll be tossing those things in your posts just like the rest of us.

I have a feeling I will never get the hang of all the quick lingo kids use today when they text message!

[TheGh0st 9]

Monk - the "D" in DH can also be substituted for a myriad of other words beginning with "D" depending on the context.:heh:

[BJean 16]

The GhOst--- verry funny!

[nume130 0]

I feel like I am being sabotoged. I am trying to save for my surgery but it seems that my H is behind again on his bills and once again I have to pay up. #!^&*+' I haven't even told anyone yet about the surgery. I knew that I would be sabotoged big time by my family and crisis after crises would rise up to take the money set aside for this. Yet noone knows and it is happening anyway.

My daughters know that I am considering it but that is all. So it isn't as if my H is doing it for that purpose. If the lack of intimacy was the only issue, this marriage would be a bit more simple to solve.

I have started to journal. I'm starting to see all the issues that I put up with and hid from. My ears are plugged with sand from having my head stuck in the ground so long.

Does any one else journal? I pray that no one stumbles across it. So far it's on my laptop password protected. I keep thinking if something happened to me, I hate to think my kids would read it.

[BJean 16]

Sounds like the whole tribe depends on you nume130. It usually feels really good to have people need you. And it feels good to be able to help them. Until it doesn't feel good anymorre. Then you come to realize that you're being taken advantage of.

You are probably the only one who is looking out for you. And that is very important too! After all, if you aren't healthy and happy, how can you be the best you can be for your loved ones?

You are not being totally selfish by wanting the LB. It is in all of their best interests for you to be healthy and happy if you're going to be able to continue to provide for them and just be there for them as wife and mother.

Journaling definitely can help to clarify things sometimes. If you get too worried about someone else reading it, you can always delete it and dump it from the trash bin. That way no one can stumble onto it. After you've written it and read it a couple of times, it may be time to move on anyway.

I know a guy (former BIL) who, after his heart attack, he decided to write his autobiography. At that point he was still with my sister, but he wanted desperately to leave her. He wrote and wrote and wrote some more which turned out to be very cathartic and gave him the strength to finally leave her. He hid his writings in a small safety deposit box. He eventually bundled it all up and handed it to my sister. (My sister was extremely verbally abusive to him their whole married life.)

[nume130 0]

What worries me about journaling is "what if the way I am viewing things is twisted?" Maybe I am self-deceived. How do you really know. I see things one way my H the other.

My glass is half empty ya think?

[BJean 16]

If you are writing YOUR feelings then they are valid. Your feelings are yours alone and others may not feel the same way you do about a given subject, but that doesn't make your feelings wrong. Your feelings are as a result of many things - experiences, beliefs, even hormones and other things. How can they be wrong? They are what they are. You have to deal with them as they are. You can learn and grow and your feelings can change, but someone can't just come in and tell you that you shouldn't FEEL a certain way and then expect you to adopt their feelings and deny your own.

I don't know what's going on between you and your DH, but I wonder if maybe he's doing a number on you. My first husband did really stupid, uncaring and hateful things to me. When I finally decided I needed a divorce in order to survive, he was very vocal about not wanting a divorce. Told all of our friends and family that he was the one who was being left and that he didn't want a divorce. But in reality, I realized later that he pushed me as hard as he could into divorcing him. He just didn't want to be the bad guy and he sure didn't want to have to pay me alimony. If I turned out to be the bad guy, he got everyone's sympathy and he got away without the baggage of the enormous guilt he put off on me. I hope that's not happening to you. Good-hearted people can be very vulnerable to someone who is willing to take advantage of them.