Intimacy

[BJean 16]

Monk that's exactly what I've always told myself. What possible good could come of me dredging up old junk that has absolutely no bearing on my life or happiness today?

My DH feels the same way. His parents were pretty cruel to him and his dad physically abused him sometimes, and it makes me mad to think of it, but he says what I believe is true... they did the best they could at the time. Parents aren't perfect just because we grow up thinking they know everything and are brilliant. They're just people who are imperfect and make poor decisions sometimes. Now that I am an adult, I definitely understand that age doesn't always bring wisdom.

I would love to read any of your son's poetry that you would like to share.

[carol1951 0]

I was abused also. I have never told a soul. I think you all are right when you say when the scale goes down I start to eat to gain it back. Is this some form of self tortue. Are we just trying to hide from our feelings. I have lots of trust issues also which I know goes with the abuse. What dose it take to feel normal. What is normal, or is this always going to be my normal. I agree on the porn stuff. There is way to much of it out there. I really believe it does influnce our kids, just like moives, video games and also our sports and movies stars. Someone need to take respondibilty in business. All the businesses are thinkng about is money.

[rroswelltx 1]

Monk thanks for sharing, your son writes beautiful. I too used to write a lot of poetry, but not so much anymore. the only things I have written in the past couple of years have been one about my DD and one about the lapband. Some of you may have read the one I wrote about the band, but if you haven't I would be happy to share it...

[TheGh0st 9]

Absolutely beautiful Monk!

[monk 0]

Regina, I'd love to read your poem, please share it with us, Monk

[cathgr8 1]

Regina, please share your poetry. Monk, your son's poem as beautiful, it made me cry. What a great mom you are to inspire that.

I too believe I was molested when I was 8, by my elementary school principal. I have been to therapy and I have blocked out all memory of that school year. This prompted questions to my mom, and it turned out she had been suspicious because I walked home from school in the middle of the day once, she called the office, and they told her I had left from the principal's office - that the principal had been taking me out of class to "tutor" me. I started telling her I was sick to avoid school, and at the end of that school year, we moved 50 miles away. All my life my parents had told everyone we moved because the weather in the old town was bad for my lungs. Since then I have learned a lot about overeating and a history of being molested.

Now getting back to the topic of the thread, how do you molestation survivors think that has affected your ability to be intimate? In my case, I have always found it a struggle to trust someone enough to really let myself be in the moment. I have a partner now who has finally been able to break through that, but being guarded is a learned coping mechanism and still pops up from time to time. The extra weight really helped in that in my opinion. Without it, sometimes, I feel very raw and exposed.

[rroswelltx 1]

I think it has hurt me a lot, even though I have dealt with the issue's I have a lot of trust issue's still. I believe it has been what has kept me from ever achieving a real orgasm. I think my subconscious holds me back. I wish I could change that, but i don't know how....

[rroswelltx 1]

My Journey

My weight loss has been a journey,

One I never imagined would succeed.

After so many years it is so hard,

To distinguish between a want, and a need.

We need food for survival,

But we want it for all the wrong reasons.

We use it to Celebrate anything,

Even the changing of the seasons.

Many do not understand,

The struggles that we face.

Discrimination is running rampant,

It’s not always about race.

We are so much harder on ourselves,

Than anyone else could every think about being.

Cause every day in the mirror,

It’s our own body we are seeing.

There came a time to make a choice,

To live or just stop breathing.

I had to admit I needed help,

But the path would not be easy.

Some would say I took the easy way out,

Having surgery is not the answer.

But those people have never walked a mile in my shoes,

Being fat is like a cancer.

Having this band inside of me,

Is the tool that gives me hope.

Some days it really tests me,

And I wonder if it’s friend or foe.

It has given me the start I needed,

It challenges me everyday

I’ve worked hard for every pound I’ve lost,

For me it was the WAY!

My life is so much better,

And it gets brighter every day.

This journey has taught me oh so much,

And I Praise God every time I weigh.

So if you have this choice to make,

And you’re not quite sure what to do.

Don’t worry about what others say,

Search your heart and make the choice for you!

Written by: Regina Oswell

[monk 0]

AWESOME! You speak for so many of us, great stuff Regina, Monk

[gadgetlady 4]

I was abused also. I have never told a soul.

{{{{Carol}}}} Do you have someone in your life you can talk to about this?

[Nina_S 1]

Monk & Regina (((snapping my fingers))) Poets extraordinaire!!! Thank you ladies so much!

Monk - they are great young men and constantly amaze us. <<< We have you to blame for that.

I did read in a previous post that someone felt that porn was a cause for sexual violence. I don't believe that it this sole cause. I believe that violence begins in the mind, often times the mind of someone that has been violated or abused. Someone who did not seek help or even know how to deal with there own experience. We see these traits is so many people that have, what we call, addictive personalities. They are trying to find a "feelgood" to cover up the pain. The only variance is the choices that we make.

Personally for me, the healing began with forgiveness. I had to forgive the violator for what he did, forgive myself for "thinking" that I could have prevented it. Yet, as I grew I understood that God "allowed" this to happen to me for a reason & I had to seek (and listen to His voice) to find what He wanted me to do with this.

Just as Monk had raised wonderful sons and many of you ladies have found great mothers in yourselves because you knew the opposite. We have learned to protect & cherish our children. These are truly gifts!!

I know that some of you mentioned not wanting to rehash or dredge up old memories, I can so understand that, but I think that we have to be able to face it. So many women go many years or even their whole lives not sharing or facing what happened. Take a count of how many women (and men) you know that suffer from obesity, cancers, unexplained illnesses, addictions, the inability to have intimate realtionships, multiple divorces/relationships - these are results of not being able to face it. I remember not wanting to tell anyone for the fear of what they would think of me. For some counseling helps, maybe telling a friend or husband/wife or sharing it with someone that has had a similar experience.

None of this is an easy feat but it helps to have someone walk beside you that understands and I have found that in you ladies. Thank you all!!

Nina

[rroswelltx 1]

I wonder how many of you that have been through this as I have notice that if you have children you watch a little closer, you notice a little more. Do you know what I am saying. I have a DD that is 7yrs old and I am so cautious with her. I want so much to try and spare her from anyone violating her. I am not around my grandfather much, and he is very elderly, but I remember the day very clearly that I saw him hold my DD for the first time and it made me wince harshly. Don't get me wrong no matter how old he is he will NEVER be alone with my child. I just wondered if I am alone in this with our children or if everyone does it....

BTW, this thread has really changed, from marriage problems to this, but I can't help but to wonder if for some us they are related????? JMO...

[TheGh0st 9]

Personally for me, the healing began with forgiveness. I had to forgive the violator for what he did, forgive myself for "thinking" that I could have prevented it.

Nina

I completely respect your opinion. For myself however, I have let go of my anger and even hatred but I haven't forgiven either of the violators. I personally can't get my head around forgiving someone that doesn't believe they need to be forgiven much less have any desire to ask for it. For myself I feel that letting go of the anger, shame and guilt was enough. I only mention this as my mom continues to preach that forgiving the violators is an absolute must whether or not they want it. She believes I'm only deluding myself in saying that I have moved on if I don't forgive them. I am NOT implying that you have said or hinted at any such thing and am not offended by your post. But I still wanted to post that I didn't feel the forgiveness had been necessary for me in my own situation.

I know that some of you mentioned not wanting to rehash or dredge up old memories, I can so understand that, but I think that we have to be able to face it.

Nina

I wholeheartedly agree with you on this. Again I don't expect everyone to follow the same path as myself but the more I am willing to talk openly about my past the less power it has over me. I try to talk as openly about what has happened to me to anyone, anywhere, treating it as no more taboo a subject as a horrible car accident or illness such as cancer. Yes it is a sensitive subject but by being quiet and hiding its existence in my past it increases my chance of feeling somehow responsible if only in part for the abuse. This behaviour has caused tension at times with other family members as one of the violators was a relative.

[monk 0]

Nina: I agree that talking about our experiences does help to easen the burden. I tried twice to see a professional. The first woman I went to see took the kleenex box from next to me and proceded to cry.I didn't go back to her. The second referral I saw another woman who asked me why I had not tried to commit suicide. I didn't go back to her either. During a deep depression after the birth of my second son I called a depression hotline and they hung up on me....I actually got laughing so hard it cheered me right up.I never go into detail but am very forthcoming that I was a victim and I know it wasn't my fault. My behavior AFTER the abuse is something I still get uncomfortable even thinking about. I had an "I don't care" attitude and put myself in some terrible situations. The fact that I am still here in itself is a miracle.Overeating was my comfort zone ever since I was a child.I am so lucky to have my family and have shared my past (to a point) with them. At times I think the kids are spoiled, Ross forgot my birthday and knew I was disappointed and depressed. He come home and handed me the following poem,

Life never taught us the ways of words

Nor the passing of days to the eventual end

Of reason or treason of family

For no one can be as cruel as kin

Our sin is we take you for granted

As years go by we see you as an ever present being

Seeing our wrongs but looking to our cores

Forlorn and empty becomes the distance we set

With jobs, careers and things we hold thought we held sacred

Until we are thrust, back into simpler days

When all it took was a story to lighten our eyes

With the passing of brothers and grand elders

These stories seem bleak in comparison

When you know you can’t hold on to something forever

Ever after and subtle laughter seem cheap and misguiding

When all you want to do is crawl to the next soul mate

Who has blonde hair and the presence of a goddess

Just to feel closer to the one who gave you life in the first place

But the substitute can never replace the first person

Who you ever gazed upon

And knew what it was like to be born again.

I’m sorry it took me so long

Ross

[monk 0]

P.S Diane: Forgive them? I don't think so....Monk