Intimacy

[monk 0]

Thanks so much for your support, it really does mean alot to me.I went to see a medium about 10 days ago with a few friends hoping to see if she could connect me with my brother ( its a John Edwards kinda thing..) anyway, I had to hold her hands at the beginning and she started going a bit nuts! She said something to the effect that I had been really damaged by some people and "had my whole house knocked out from underneath me". She kept on apologizing but said that there was so much "stuff" she felt she needed to say something. Oh gee, and I thought I had my act together! She suggested writing letters to all offenders and venting EVERYTHING and then burn them. I'll get around to it. I asked her why the 22 treatment wouldn't work, ya know, just shoot them. Only kidding, really.Interesting day, I have it on tape.I wonder if she could do something about the cellulite? ??

[gadgetlady 4]

I remember reading a statistic years ago that 1 out of every 3 (it may have been 1 out of 4) women experienced some form of sexual abuse as a child. At that time, I looked around me to my REALLY good girlfriends and there were 3 of them. Of them, it was 3 out of 3 who were abused. I was the only one who escaped, as it were.

Monk, I admire you for your willingness to work through your situation, speak out, and help others. For every one who's like you, I'm sure there are many others who hide it inside and never tell anyone -- and never get healing.

I was just at a conference this weekend and one of the speakers said there is not a single documented case of sexual violence for which the perp was not involved in pornography. We have become such a narcissistic, ego-centric, "me me me" world that it's no surprise people treat others as disposable and inconsequential.

[BJean 16]

Wow gadget, that's an amazing statistic. I'm no fan of pornography, but I wonder how many cases have been documented (where the perpetrator was proven to be involved in pornography) out of all of the cases of sexual violence that have been committed? That might be a very relevant statistic to add to the equation, if we honestly want to know for sure if all perpetrators of sexual violence are influenced by porn. There are always two sides to an argument and frankly, I would be happy to have the data that proves, unequivocally, that porn causes sexual violence.

I would also like for it to be proven without a doubt that movies and video games that depict gun violence, cause people to go off the deep end and commit gun crimes. Wouldn't you?

[gadgetlady 4]

There are always two sides to an argument and frankly, I would be happy to have the data that proves, unequivocally, that porn causes sexual violence.

I don't know that porn CAUSES sexual violence, but I think it is certainly a component of the problem. This isn't a perfect analogy, but I can't come up with another one at this late hour: alcohol doesn't CAUSE drunk driving, but all incidents of drunk driving involve alcohol.

That being said, the speaker's statement was that there are no documented cases of sexual violence for which porn was not involved. I guess the way to disprove it would be to find someone who committed an act of sexual violence and didn't use porn. I think that'd be pretty tough to do. From what I've read and all sexually violent offenders I know about, all in-depth conversations with them have uncovered porn in their backgrounds, and they have often said it's the porn that escalated their perversion.

I would also like for it to be proven without a doubt that movies and video games that depict gun violence, cause people to go off the deep end and commit gun crimes. Wouldn't you?

I believe that violent movies and video games escalate all types of violence, not just gun violence. Just as in the case of the sex offender, it's not the trigger that CAUSES the offense, but rather the offeder's propensity to offend that is enhanced by the trigger. In other words, do I believe we should outlaw porn to stop sexual violence? No, I am extremely opposed to porn but I also believe in free speech. Should we outlaw guns to stop gun violence? I think you know my response to that. Do I believe we should stop violent people from harming others whether they use sex, guns, a baseball bat, or a Buick? Absolutely.

Am I horribly discouraged and saddened by porn AND gun violence? Very much so. There is no justification for either. If we could raise a generation of children with positive moral values, a sense of family and community, and a committment to virtue, we might be able to overcome both. Sadly, I believe we are headed in the opposite direction.

[rroswelltx 1]

Wow this thread just continues to touch people more and more everyday. Monk, you have done a great job of overcoming a horrible expierence. I applaud you. I too was sexually abused as a child by a grandfather, choosing to not give your perputrator(sp?) power over your life and taking control is a very important step. Many people continue to let the person who offended them control there lives well into adulthood. I made a whole lot of terrible decisions in my teen and early adult years because of not dealing with the issue. Never again!!!

Thanks for sharing all of your stories...

[monk 0]

I think that abuse at the hands of a family member is even more appalling than my situation. We expect our families to support and love us and so many times that is not the case. My mother did not protect me and was embarrassed by the situation. We were estanged until I was 28 and I said lets agree to disagree and try to take it from here, under the condition that we NEVER discussed my childhood or her failed marriage.We have a decent relationship and she is very good to my kids. I tell them that like Bill Cosby once said: That is not the woman that raised me! I definitely have a letter in my head for her.Touching on the porn and guns issue, I feel we as a society have been raising a very desensitized younger generation. I remember seeing my first body on TV when I was 21, just a foot on the 6 o'clock news of a body getting pulled out of the Hudson river. It was so disturbing to me that I still have a clear memory of it. Today our young people see death and guns and sex everytime they turn on the TV, see a movie or turn on the web.Video games are just a part of it. Last Friday one of my kids had a funeral, shot and tossed into a ditch right around the corner from the school. On the same broadcast I saw one of my boys on a news video robbing a store with a gun and then carjacking someone.I was told by other employees that yet another kid I had was shot in the face but is going to be fine. The one things all these guys had in commen: Poverty. No parental involvement. All of my kids brag about their guns. Its a different world out there, one that can be very dangerous.After 5 years in the classroom I was just hired to train nation wide the next batch of teachers and staff in the new alternate schools opening in the US. I had quit at the end of April, one of 2 people left in the classroom in the school after 5 years. Corporate called me a week later. I'll miss my kids but it is time to move on, it was a very emotional, stressful job and one that at times was quite dangerous.

Regina, I hope your grandfather got what was coming to him and the family supported you. The toughest thing is when people don't believe you or chose to ignore the situation.

[rroswelltx 1]

No he never got what he deserved, but I know there is a just reward waiting for him one day! I kept it a secret for a couple of years and then I broke down and told my mom, like you it was a day when thinks weren't discussed much. I didn't get into trouble but my mom (who i adore but sticks her head in the sand alot) explained to me that there are a lot of dirty old men out there, and she would help me stay away from him. I begged her not to tell anyone because I was afraid of hurting my grandma. I put a STOP to it myself and he never touched me again, but it wasn't until I was about 28 yrs old that word got out to my grandma about it, she called and questioned me about it and I told her it was true, she called me a liar and cut me out of her life for many years. She is 92 now and not in good health, we have developed back a slim part of a relationship. A few years ago, I confronted my grandfather about it all face to face, he denied it all of course. But I did it for me to heal not for an apology from him. I knew that would never happen..

[nume130 0]

I think for many of us part of our weight battle comes on as a result of some sort of sexual abuse. I too have my unhappy experiences. I had an uncle who although never touched me- he wanted me to touch him. He was a disgusting individual. I told my parents and they wouldn't let him babysit but... my mom was an alcoholic and nothing was more important to her then to go out to have a good time. When they were stuck for a babysitter- guess who they called. I was very young maybe 7 or 8 and I confronted them, but they wouldn't answer my question "I thought you wouldn't let him babysit me?" They wouldn't answer, me can you believe it? I knew at that young age I had no protection. I also remember a drinking buddy of my mom's daughter stayed over. I was around 11 and she told me about the sexual abuse she was experiencing at the hands of her own father. This girl kept saying "he wouldn't hurt me though, he only touches me" When I told my mother she said, "don't tell anyone, she is a bad girl" Honestly, when you think about it, it is just too heart breaking.

[Nina_S 1]

Wow, this thread has grown to be...something...

I'd like to thank Monk & Regina (and any other ladies) for sharing their stories here. Abuse (child)/ being violated as a child has such a great impact on our lives and how we view ourselves. God knows I made some unwise decisions (partners, what I would tolerate, what I felt I deserved, etc.) & beat myself up about it until I realized that it had so much to do with how I viewed myself.

The people that violated us may never suffer like we have but I hope that this thread helps someone begin a journey of healing. Healing is so essential!!

Nina

[monk 0]

Dear Nina, Welcome! Thanks for your response. Most of us that are abused show similar signs, low self esteem, personal abuse ie: sexual promiscuity, over eating, bulimeia, anerexia, cutting, etc. I always tended to self sabatage myself if I lost weight by eating when the scale went down. I have given my scale away. When I was a teenager I swam, on the swim team. On my own time I would do laps like crazy until I read that that was a symptom of abuse. I never wanted to be by the book.We all deal with our pain in different ways.I was bulemic for years. I decided to take control when I decided to get the lap.It is very personal to me.I chose to tell very few people but shared it with my sons. They are 19 and 22 and very supportive.They know my whole story as I have shared the pain in order to be a better parent and to explain the times I have lost it.I have always apologized if my behavior was uncalled for. THAT I never got as a kid. They understand and love me for it.I'd love to share some of my son's poetry if anyone would like to see it, Monk

[nume130 0]

Monk: absolutely. I would love to read it.

[monk 0]

<p><p>First 2 things you need to know, I have a bit of OCD left from my childhood, I make the sign of a star with my pointer finger on my nails, visualize making a 6 point star and drawing it. Start at the bottom and go up/down/across/across/down. It sounds weird, just do it. I have graduated in my old age to just my 2 thumbs.. I share my past with my boys as I have told you. I also have slept with a blanket ever since I can remember. I was not allowed in my mother's room and slept alot in the wooden hallway outside of her door with a blanket. Here is one of the poems my son Ross has written to me, I think he needs to be published. (Mom here)I lost my older brother to cancer, he died in my arms

You carved stars in your thumbs

To numb the sense of loss of control

Of a situation spiraling downward

A child’s plane crashing in a hue of tears

When said and done, we could waltz on

The graves of the recently appalling departed

Start a trend only you would know

Roam to find the child you had misplaced

In the space of your attic bedroom

On a decaying street in Montclair

As you now stare upward in the sky

For the stars of pain have changed

Into thousands of loving eyes peering down

And the blankets you clutched in fright

Have changed to the embrace of the love of your life

The person who held you and rekindled a flame

Long past smothered by time

And from you both the seeds of a new life have sprung

Blooming two roses three years apart

The vines of your sons will always be there to cradle you

For we cannot change the past, but can relish in the

Thought of our futures

Ross Purvis

September 17,2005

[BJean 16]

Monk, I am incredibly touched by both your story and your son's poetry. It is amazing! I am so glad you shared it with us. Your boys must be wonderful young men and I know you are proud of them.

Does he write other poetry? What beautiful, meaningful thoughts and words!

I couldn't help but shed a tear or two while I read your story too. I know I have repressed memories that I just can't bare to recall, and yet I sometimes feel I should.

I had a endrocinologist once tell me that every overweight patient he had ever treated had been sexually abused. I always tend to doubt people who speak in absolutes, besides I was his patient and I had never told him that I had been abused, so his statement certainly seemed suspect.

I have never thought I was sexually abused, but I do have some troubling memories from time to time that try to creep into my conscious thoughts.

I remember all the stuff surrounding the Rosanne Barr claims of sexual abuse and how many psychologists at that time were "helping" patients by helping them embellish some of their memories.

I feel like I'm way too old to be worrying about it, but I seem to also have the need to avoid the scale because if I find that I've lost, I tend to eat until it's back. That is something that is impossible for me to figure out!

[BJean 16]

I really do worry about the pornography and violence that our children are subjected to constantly. Even advertisments on television are often in extremely poor taste and too graphic for children. I really do wonder what the long term effects will be on future generations.

[monk 0]

Parts of me want to tell you to just let it go, at this stage of your life trying to bring up that kind of stuff is just toxiic. My little bro (49) told me he had memories of being in the car at the park that I used to sit in with the "perv" and it just about broke my heart. I have no memories of him being there and that's what I told him.I also told him that sometimes we live loved ones pain by wanting to "be there" with them. I kind of just made it up to keep him from delving(sp?) deeper into dark memories. What good is it to all of the sudden get that kind of sh** into his life. I have a few other poems I'll add on later to this link if others want to see them.Thanks for the compliment, they are great young men and constantly amaze us.