Intimacy

[BJean 16]

Well I hope you people are happy!! I started reading this thread hours ago and now it's almost midnight and I have to get up early and it's all your fault!!! What a GREAT thread! I've experienced the whole gamut of emotions while reading your stories. And re-lived some of my own. There's a lot of wisdom, love and pain on this thread.

The thing we women miss the most about not having sex is the intimacy. Pure and simple. The closeness with our man, the unconditional love that we feel when we surrender ourselves to our significant other, the fact that we are naked with them and accepted and loved, no matter how we look. We need it for our very existence. Sure, we can live without it if we have to. But it tends to suck the breath right out of us if we go too long without the closeness, the intimacy that sex with our man provides.

I am no phychologist but I'm pretty sure that if we have lived without sexual contact and intimacy with our husbands/boyfriends for very long, it is an indication that we may have self-esteem issues. Low self-esteem also goes along with obesity, they say. We need to take a long hard look at why we put up with it and what reasonable measures can be taken to figure out a resolution to the problem. Because it definitely IS a problem.

One of the best things I read on this thread was when nume130 said that she and her DH had a heart-to-heart and they have verbalized what they both knew was true. They need to be free to find the love and intimacy with someone else that is woefully lacking in their marriage. Thank God that you are thinking seriously about getting on with your life. I feel cheated for you! Believe me, your children will do just fine without the two of you living under the same roof. Yes, they'll be upset if you divorce, but once they are adult and experience more of life, they will realize that there was an insurmountable problem and you will eventually earn their respect, not their scorn, for thinking enough of yourself to get out of that unworkable, unfixable marriage.

As for those of you who have no libido because of Lexapro or Prozac - listen to me... very important operating tip... Wellbutrin XL!!!!! I have a great libido now for the first time in many years. It is as if I am back at age 30 in the sex department. It may not work as well for you, but it is darn sure worth a try!

As for sexual relationships before marriage. I was 19 and a virgin when I got married the first time. My wedding night was a nightmare as were many, many nights after that. We were married for 4 years and I never experienced anything but pain and frustration when we had sex. We had a baby after we'd been married for 3 because I knew that in our Church there was no way anyone would condone a divorce and I was grasping at anything to help me keep the marriage together (yes, I was really dumb.) After the divorce, I made a promise to myself that I would never marry again unless or until I had spent some time with him in bed. By gosh sex is way too important to think it will just work itself out.

As for the kiss, OMG, what a beautiful description of the perfect kiss!!! That is the one thing that my DH has never really mastered. He's too focused on what is to follow, I'm afraid. I have been kissed like that before though and it is something very, very special!!!

Ok. Now back to the brutality of Rants and Raves. Thanks for letting me vent my spleen here. You guys are absolutely wonderful!!!!

[Qvrfullmidwife 0]

" As for those of you who have no libido because of Lexapro or Prozac"

or effexor or paxil or....

"My wedding night was a nightmare as were many, many nights after that. We were married for 4 years and I never experienced anything but pain and frustration when we had sex."

So let me ask a question. If you had not been married when your first nightmarish experience (and those to follow for I assume that you wouldnt have immediately broken off the entire relationship) what would have been different in your estimation? How would you view the situation differently?

[lizrbit 0]

i leave you people alone for a day or two and you start throwing peanuts.

I got married the first time when i was 16. I had my oldest son a week before i turned 17. I was divorced 14 days later. worked on my own with the boy for a while until i realized how little i was going to make with my lack of skills or education, Moved to another state with the boy since child support or visitation wasnt wanted or desired, got job, went to college, and then i met "the tall guy". I used to see him each morning at a four way intersection on our way to school each morning. He never saw me. I remember praying. i remember saying "if you give me this one thing, i swear, ill never ask for anything else"....

within a few months after that, we started dating. He already knew my son from school interactions and social stuff and they got along wonderfully. I told him i couldnt "date" someone if there wasnt any possibility of a future, and he said, 'well when can you move in?"

My son and i moved in with him after a few months. Hes the only man the boy ever called "dad". We have three sons altogether.

I dont regret my first marriage.

here let me say it again...

I DONT regret my first marriage. It was fun and was a better situation (as bad as it got) than what i was in before.

I dont regret leaving when i did.

i dont regret test driving cars. I was a woman after all and have needs too. To hell with people that dont acknowledge that.

i dont regret not dating all the cars i drove

i really dont regret meeting the tall guy.

i dont regret our 20 yrs together. I wish many of those years had sex in them. but i cant go back and change that.

all i got is today.

im jiggy with that.

on another note:

my dog is buddhist. i probably should mention that. (we hang out alot and if im not careful i can get lost in her calmness)

[Qvrfullmidwife 0]

Sorry, moved my comments to a more appropriate place

[green 6]

lizrbit: I am most amused to hear that your dog is a Buddhist. I once had a tank full of guppies who were Roman Catholic, a cat who was a Baptist, and a goldfish who was Jewish. I named him Reuben Goldcarp. The guppies were called the Joes and the Renes after my parents. :heh: My father was did not find this adorable. :phanvan

For the past many years my cats have been heathen atheists; in this they follow myself. It would be lovely to have a Buddhist dog around the house. Lucky you.

[faithmd 14]

I don't think we were throwing peanuts. I wasn't mad at all, it was good healthy debate.

I like to talk frankly and honestly with people, regardless of what their points are. I like to listen and perhaps glean something from them I wasn't able to understand before that. I appreciate all that Qvr said and appreciate her point of view. Just because we may not agree, doesn't me I don't respect and listen to her.

lizrbit, I LOVE you!

I think my cat is a nihilist.

[nume130 0]

Hi faith: How are you feeling post surgery?

I'm glad for the debate, I realized that we were all talking about the same thing, just using different wording. So that is pretty cool!

Re Pets: don't you just love golden retrievers??? They are always laughing. I used to have 2 but they are both gone now. If I didn't travel so much I would have another. Now I have fish outside in my fountain. Unfortuntately, had 10 now 5. Each week I find a floater. So it is more of a downer when they greet me when I come home (I'm afraid to look) You get a much better welcome with a dog.

[faithmd 14]

Hi nume, I'm feeling better everyday. I'm just not quite used to what will apparently be my feeling for restriction: feeling like I've got a marble stuck below my Adam's Apple.

I will post updated scar pics on the scar thread at some point. I took them yesterday but I can't find my camera cable and the card reader crapped out.

[green 6]

I think my cat is a nihilist.

I think my current and not very nice cat is an anarchist - this is the most destructive animal I have ever lived with! She is still young. I am hoping that she will grow out of it.

[BJean 16]

I assume you are asking an honest question, Q. If I had not been so silly when I got married and believed all of the pre-marital counseling we had through our church and had not believed what the fairy tales I'd listened to my whole life told me and what Seventeen magazine told me about living "happily ever after," and I had instead done the experincing and investigating myself, I would never have married the dude.

I will admit that going through those years I learned a whole lot that prepared me for the success I've enjoyed in my current marriage.

However I am sure that I could have had a relationship with my first husband that included all those lessons, without the marriage part. That would have prevented a whole lot of grief and guilt on my part, on my ex-husband's part, and on the part of our friends and families - all of which pale by comparison to the pain and sadness that our child experienced by having divorced parents.

[BJean 16]

P.S. Honest answer, please... did I cause the peanut tossing?

[faithmd 14]

Nope, I did by using the term "test drive" in my response to BooBooKitty's post about being with her husband since she was 15.

I guess saying "test drive" was somehow vague. I meant it in terms of seriously dating more than one or two people before you decide one person is "The One." It apparently came across somehow as suggesting that one bed several different partners.

And I still don't think peanuts were tossed. I feel it was a healthy expression of opinions.

[BJean 16]

Thanks, faithmd: I was about ready to turn tail and go skulking back to R & Rs. And I agree, I thought it was a good discussion on both sides.

Perhaps you should have said, "test ride" :whoo: instead of "test drive"

[faithmd 14]

LOL!!!! That would have been interpreted so much better (snickering) :Banane56:

[Qvrfullmidwife 0]

Ah...right. Is there a 'choking on my coffee and spewing it on the computer screen" emoticon?