Intimacy

[faithmd 14]

Brandy, I wish I could answer that for you. Unfortunately I can't. Sounds like we REALLY have to do lunch SOON. (Mushies next week, any ideas?)

Yes, you are young, and gorgeous, and a fantastic person! Is he a great man? When you think of growing old and all that entails, can you see him taking care of you if you should need it? Can you see yourself taking care of him if he should need it? Is he the man you can see yourself sitting on the porch with as you rock the day away? These are not the only questions we should ask ourselves, but for me they are some of the key ones as to why I stay.

You say: "glimpses of the man...I crumbled"

Can you elaborate?

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

The man I want is sweet and supportive and shows me love not just affection but love. I think about leaving most days, but it seems when I am at my surest I shoud go, he does something sweet or says something to me (when he thinks I am alseep) that shows me just the way it could be, the way I want. I have been with him 15 years, I know no one else. Maybe that is why when he lets me see a bit of the man I love I choose to stay.

I just feel like I want to be happy, but maybe what I want isn't possible.

Is there really a perfect partner or are they something we create in our mind and no one else can live up to the dream?

[faithmd 14]

Someone is going to disagree with me and say that yes, there is the perfect person for each of us, but I don't believe it's true. I think sadly we are brought up to dream that some knight in shining armor truly exists, I don't believe they do. There is always going to be something that isn't perfect. Something is going to come up, somewhere along the line, but the bigger question is are the imperfections something we can live with? Is there enough that is good that we should stay? Is there enough there for us?

[faithmd 14]

You did bring up something that I think complicated it a bit, you mentioned he is the only one you've been with. I am a firm believer that you really have to test drive several cars before you make a purchase. Once upon a time when life wasn't so fast and there wasn't as much exposure to the other things and people in the world it was fine to marry your first love. I may be wrong and marrying your first love may still be successful, but I just don't wee it working out like it used to. Too many factors exist now that didn't even as recent as twenty or thirty years ago. Part of this *may* be your lack of exposure to others. But then again, who is to say that your DH isn't your "true match." It would be very tough to strike out after being with the same person and then find out he really was the best choice. Of course you may find out he was a great starter husband. But I would have to weigh the options. Would it be better for me and my family to strike out and try something else, or just tough it out? I admit it, I'm a wimp in some areas of my life. This is one of them. And comfort also plays a huge role, we get comfortable where we are.

I'm rambling, I'm sorry.

[Lucy 0]

I agree with you , Faith -- there is no "perfect" person out there for us. That seems to be something we all watched as kids in TV and movies (when will Disney finally come out with a movie where the princess and the prince argue all evening, she didn't feel like shaving her legs, and he's eating dinner on the sofa, watching football?).

But there are people that we are more compatable with than others. At least when we start out with them. Part of the problem with life is that we are always changing. If you and your partner don't change together or in the same direction, then what you had 5, 10, however many years ago is not what you have today.

Sex IS important in your relationship with your partner, because I think it isn't just about orgasm or fun, but it's also a form of communication. When my husband and I don't have sex for a while it feels like we are missing something because we are. If you and your partner have problems communicating on any level then there are going to be problems in the relationship.

I'm not Dr Phil, I'm just typing the thoughts that come into my head. I'm glad that we can talk about these things here. Even if we don't have answers, it's good to discuss.

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

I agree with you , Faith -- there is no "perfect" person out there for us. That seems to be something we all watched as kids in TV and movies (when will Disney finally come out with a movie where the princess and the prince argue all evening, she didn't feel like shaving her legs, and he's eating dinner on the sofa, watching football?).

But there are people that we are more compatable with than others. At least when we start out with them. Part of the problem with life is that we are always changing. If you and your partner don't change together or in the same direction, then what you had 5, 10, however many years ago is not what you have today.

Sex IS important in your relationship with your partner, because I think it isn't just about orgasm or fun, but it's also a form of communication. When my husband and I don't have sex for a while it feels like we are missing something because we are. If you and your partner have problems communicating on any level then there are going to be problems in the relationship.

I'm not Dr Phil, I'm just typing the thoughts that come into my head. I'm glad that we can talk about these things here. Even if we don't have answers, it's good to discuss.

I agree Lucy. Although I have no problem watching sports on the tube. Look how far that gets me.

But as far as my DAH being my first love he actually wasn't. I had someone just before him who was my knight in shinning armour. I regret everyday of my life that I let him go... blah...

[nume130 0]

I agree with Faith that there is no perfect partner, no perfect relationship etc. because we are just people and none of us are perfect so we can't expect our mates to be. Please don't be offended but I personally don't think we should test drive people. (or try them on like clothes) I think too many people get wounded that way. Anyway, my luck with cars isn't great. They run great during the test drive and they drive great for awhile then stuff starts breaking. That sure is frustrating because now your committed to the darn car loan for the next 5 years anyway.

I wanted to be a princess when I grew up. Now I'd like to have sex again before I die. Boy have my expectations been lowered or what????

[gadgetlady 4]

I keep reading these threads over and over and my heart is just breaking for you ladies. I just want you to know I am keeping all of you, your husbands, and your relationships in my prayers.

There are several weekend marriage intensives that you might want to consider. They're pricey, but IMO worth it. Some of you have spent or are planning to spend several thousand dollars on the band -- certainly your marriage is worth a financial investment? I was trying to find a link to one of the intensives I've recommended to some friends, but I've been unsuccessful. If I find it later, I'll post it. Marriage does NOT have to be so unfulfilling -- please, please consider something like this or get some good counseling. It is NOT good for you to be so unhappy.

[gadgetlady 4]

Ohhh, that was fast -- I found it! They changed the name which is why I was having trouble.

Christian Marriage Counseling | Marriage Seminars - Marriage Counseling

There are plenty of others; this is just one I've heard good things about.

[green 6]

During my life I have been in a number of relationships and I have lived alone and I can say that I would rather live alone than live in an unsatisfying relationship. I have always found living alone to be a very positive experience whereas living in an unhappy relationship is very destructive to your sense of self. It erodes your sense of self-esteem, causes you to view yourself in a negative light, tires you out, and leaves you feeling joyless and depressed. It is like living in a room without sunlight and oxygen. Sometimes the best way to fix something bad is to leave it....even if it is only on a trial basis.

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

I keep reading these threads over and over and my heart is just breaking for you ladies. I just want you to know I am keeping all of you, your husbands, and your relationships in my prayers.

There are several weekend marriage intensives that you might want to consider. They're pricey, but IMO worth it. Some of you have spent or are planning to spend several thousand dollars on the band -- certainly your marriage is worth a financial investment? I was trying to find a link to one of the intensives I've recommended to some friends, but I've been unsuccessful. If I find it later, I'll post it. Marriage does NOT have to be so unfulfilling -- please, please consider something like this or get some good counseling. It is NOT good for you to be so unhappy.

The problem is if you can't get them to go, or work on your marriage there isn't alot of hope. I have spent the last 3 days without a word said to me other than "get my food". So counceling isn't gonna cut it. I can't even get him to look at me.

[faithmd 14]

I cannot imagine my hubby's response if I were to suggest counseling. I think there are very few men out there who see things the way we see them and would readily agree to counseling. I could be totally wrong, though.

Brandy, I found myself just yesterday daydreaming about a past "love" after I happened to drive by the place he told me he loved me for the first time (only time) as I was on my way home from the grocery store. I knew he didn't mean it at the time, he said it after knowing me a couple of days. I laughed it off (I was 18), but the passion with which he said it took my breath away. No, he hadn't wanted to get into my pants (he was a very strong believer in no sex before marriage), but he was probably the most passionate and romantic man I've ever been with. We dated on and off during college and even discussed getting married a couple of times (he was from Syria and wasn't sure how well he did on the GRE and wasn't sure he'd get into grad school, we were going to get married so he could stay until he could try again, but he did well and finished his Master's here). He went home and before he left we were supposed to get together one more time for him to tell me something he had wanted to tell me over the six years we had known one another. We never saw one another before he left. You see, after that night he had said those three little words and I sort of laughed it off, he never said anything like that again. I still wonder what he wanted to tell me, could it have been that he really did love me? Would he have asked to marry him and go with him? I'll never know. He never said it again, but he showed it all the time. The way he would look at me, caress me, touch me, talk to me. He was always showing his feelings for me when we were together. So I guess that I am sort of somehow clinging to that romantic notion of what it "should" be like. Maybe life isn't that way, perhaps it isn't all about the touch and the affection. Perhaps just existing is what life is all about.

Ah yes, I did look him up and have sort of followed him over the years, I even emailed him a few years back. I guess I was hoping to be able to ask him what it was that we never got to say to one another, but I couldn't ask... He did finally get married and had a daughter. He is a very successful businessman now. I am very happy for him that he found a woman to love and that he has a child, I'm sure he's a wonderful father. He lost his father when he was 9 so he was really looking forward to being a dad himself. It's great to see him doing so well. But I find myself thinking back on those times...

[faithmd 14]

I can't imagine your hubby not even looking at you, I cannot begin to imagine the pain you must be feeling right now, especially with everything that is going on.

Have you asked him if he's disconnected because he's scared? Or has it eroded to the point that you just can't even talk to him? Would pouring a few beers into him help him to talk? I'm just thinking off the cuff.

I don't get why he wouldn't look at you, if he was the impetus behind your losing the weight, and you've lost it (and are damned hot, BTW!), then one would think that he should be all over you. But men seem to do exactly the opposite of what we think they should. And they say that we women are hard to read...

[gadgetlady 4]

The problem is if you can't get them to go, or work on your marriage there isn't alot of hope. I have spent the last 3 days without a word said to me other than "get my food". So counceling isn't gonna cut it. I can't even get him to look at me.

It is painful to read your words; I can't imagine the pain you are feeling being in that situation.

Have you ever told him the situation is dire and you can't go on living like this and if he refuses to work on the relationship something drastic is going to happen? I'm not talking about threatening him, just telling him that you can't go on living the way things are? I know it opens you up to more hurt, but can you explain that you're in pain and it's only getting worse? Suggest a marriage retreat weekend to reconnect and remember what it was like when you were first married?

If none of those things work, then I suggest going to a counselor alone. Sometimes that helps with good suggestions for how to handle the pain and how to impact the relationship -- and sometimes when one partner starts going and the other notices changes, the other partner eventually joins.

All I can say is if the situation is that bad, just enduring it and plodding through day to day means it isn't going to change. It is not good for your psyche to continue to endure silently. Eventually something's got to give. My goal would be to try to make it give for the better by being proactive now, rather than spending your life in pain just waiting for it to get worse and eventually blow up.

I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[green 6]

The problem is if you can't get them to go, or work on your marriage there isn't alot of hope. I have spent the last 3 days without a word said to me other than "get my food". So counceling isn't gonna cut it. I can't even get him to look at me.

This is a very sad post for me to think about, Boo. My heart goes out to you. You see, I think everyone of us deserves much, much better than many of us who post on this thread are currently getting. We all merit love, affection, daily expressions of kindness, good humour, and respect from those around us. Of course to get them we have got to give them but when we do and we get nothing in return this makes for a terribly bleak emotional environment. There is no way a person can feel contentment, joy, or have the ability to grow when they are living inside such an environment.

I am a person who tends to take drastic steps when things really aren't working. I figure that there is no use in beating a dead horse and then I leave. There are a lot of very nice and loving individuals out there. And being alone can be very, very relaxing.