Intimacy

[TerriDoodle 6]

Yeah, my libido crashed and burned when I hit menopause then got on Lexapro! But before Lexapro I was a raving BITCH and DH probably didn't want anything to do with me anyway! Poor DH, he just can't win. It's getting better now though.

[gadgetlady 4]

Why don't you try non-hormonal forms of birth control? Dh and I use a combination of barrier methods and NFP (which for us just means knowing when I'm fertile and using the barrier methods then). Although it's not as convenient as pills, shots, Patches, IUD's, etc., it doesn't mess with your body like all of those things do. I'm not a big fan of tricking your body into thinking it's pregnant for years on end -- AND all of the side-effects that come with it.

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

Quote:

Originally Posted by Boo Boo Kitty

Hello all. I was invited to this thread by Faith. I see the topic of the time is waxing. I am not brave enough for anyone to see me down there...rotfl....

Sorry Brandy, we sort of got off topic while discussing shaving and someone's hubby returning after a one month absence.

My hubby was gone for six months a couple of years ago, during that time I lost 47 lbs. Didn't make a doggone bit of difference.

I like your use of the word disconnected. I think that's exactly my DH's issues, he's disconnected. He is nice, he's not mean at all, but he is not in the least bit snuggly, I have to kiss him, I have to reach over and touch him. I have mentioned over and over how I really love to be touched, have my hand held, etc. To no avail. He apologizes he doesn't realize, but that's just the way he is.

When I was waiting to be taken to pre-op I had to sit in the chair next to him and grab his hand. I mean, sheesh!

His parents are very affectionate to one another, they hug and kiss and hold hands, they hug the grandkids. I thought maybe it was because he wasn't hugged as a child, but it appears he likely was. He was always very affectionate towards his son, too.

In the past few years he has developed a progressive memory loss disorder that we have seen six or eight different neurologists for and as time has gone on, I noticed him getting less and less affectionate. I honestly think it could be because he actually forgot what intimacy is. I want to be angry at him for this, but if it's not his fault, how can I be? When we were first dating he was AMAZING. What garnered him a second date was the kiss at the end of the first one. It was a soap opera kiss, you know the kind where the guy leans in verrrrry slowly, reaches out and strokes the cheek of the woman while gazing into her eyes, then gently kisses her. As he is kissing her, he lifts both hands and cradles her face in them and then draws her in as the kiss intensifies...

And they saw women use their wiles to trap a man...I say he threw me a line a reeled me right in.

Ah....yes this kiss. I think I remember what it is like. I think the last time I got THAT kiss that makes your knees buckle, was when we broke up and I was daiting someone else. My DH wanted me back, I said no, he kissed me, and well the rest is history....

The soaps make everything seem so damn easy...lol....except the women never know who their baby's daddy is...but hey that could be a good trade off for that kiss right??

[gadgetlady 4]

Ohhhh, I love that kiss. I still get it, pretty much daily. Yesterday it was in an elevator. Why don't you ladies ask for it? Just say, "Hey, remember those awesome kisses we used to share while we were dating? I'd like some of those again!" See what happens.

[TracyinKS 7]

Do I post? Do I continue to keep to myself on this subject?

what the hell.. I'll post......

I can't remember the last time I had sex with dbf, and we've only been together for a little over two years.... the person who says we have bills and kids in common.. I second that.. a lot of bills and a lot of kids.. same morale ethics, same family goals..... but no sex and the most physical contact is a simple peck on the lips at night and in the morning before work..... things started slowing down immediately in the sex department literally a few months into our relationship he started pushing my hands away and it has gone downhill since (and I was in a size 10/12 at the time) God love my mother but she once teased me that he wasn't interested because I had once again REGAINED all my weight.... geesh thanks mom.... anyway my issues go way back with sex....

I was "devirginized" by my exhusband who was also my highschool sweetheart.. we were together for 17 years.. I'd never even SEEN another mans privates until I got divorced LOL... (he cheated on me and left me via note one new years eve) I had no clue, and was devestated.. I though our lack of sex for the 3 months prior was because of his depression over a friends near fatal accident... ANYWAY I swore that I would never go that long without sex again... because had I given him more maybe he wouldn't of cheated... never really liked sex that much.. wasn't adventurous and it was always quick.. (happens a lot I think when two kids grow up together and never learn anything new) OK.. so got divorced immediately hooked up with the rebound psyco loser that immediately cheated on me and got this formerly infertile girl preggers.......... a baby later I finally booted his abusive loser ass to the curb and THEN I WAS REBORN!!!!!!!!! at 34 I was free to date and have fun... I lost 80 lbs and looking good, feeling great, and anxious grandma's to babysit on weekends the miracle baby... I discovered that indeed I did LIKE sex..... I bought books on learning to give myself an orgasm... (because I've never had one) to this day I have no idea what its really like, or if I've had fleeting moments of one and don't know it... I'm almost 40 and don't know what all the talk is about....... sad but true.... yeah I've faked it.. yeah when guys found out they wanted to be the first.... so I let them think it....... but I honestly don't know if I have or not.....

OK.. so I had a year of dating around and having fun... and then I met DBF and at first we had sex every day........ and then it was every week, then it was was a couple times a month........ and now I don't know... I do know that I quit buying my BC Ring in december because it was a waste of money...... it hurts my feelings to be denied so I just quit asking or initiating... I've tried to talk to him about it and he just gets pissed off....... I kind of blew up after my band was put in, I lifted my shirt and asked him to feel for my port.. he said NO it kind of grossed him out.. I said WHAT???? He laughed and said that the thought of a port freaked him out and it was gross to him......

TEARS, followed by exclaimination....... "GREAT! NOW MY BAND GROSSES YOU OUT.. WE ARE NEVER HAVING SEX AGAIN ARE WE???" he replied...

"JESUS TRACY! Not this AGAIN!" and stomped off to the living room to watch TV. I was left in the kitchen crying and the subject has not been broached again........ (btw his ex wife cheated on him and that is why they are divorced.. I'm guessing he has always had a low libido and yes he wakes up every morning with impressive wood, which I have literally tried to take advantage of and was jokingly swatted away)

I have increasingly put on weight since the rejection started happening.. About October of 2005.. he also cooks and would get upset if I didn't eat what he fixed.. the women in his family are heavy.... I know he is deeply insecure about stuff, but extremely macho to the world and even to himself.

The problem is that he is a great guy, we don't have kids together but our blended family includes 4 boys that love each other.. he is my sons dad in every way but biology and the same with his boys. We are all about raising kids and doing things as a family and growing old together and yes getting married......... but in my minds eye.. do I go ahead and get married knowing that I will most likely NEVER have intercourse again. I guess my self esteem. I was suprised when he supported my decision to have the band.. he said that he loved me no matter what but he knew that the weight gain had been depressing me...... he did however want to know how it would affect him, and for me to know that I shouldn't expect him to change the way he eats..... he has been pretty good about it.... as he is with most things.. except sex....... and I do miss it... I feel that at 37 I am too young to give it up, especially when there is a very avaible WORKING piece of equipment hooked to the man I love... its not fair that he doesn't want to spend the energy to use it.

I do have toys, and I swear some time I'm going to take a day off work to be alone with myself! LOL

[faithmd 14]

...

TEARS, followed by exclaimination....... "GREAT! NOW MY BAND GROSSES YOU OUT.. WE ARE NEVER HAVING SEX AGAIN ARE WE???" he replied...

"JESUS TRACY! Not this AGAIN!" and stomped off to the living room to watch TV. I was left in the kitchen crying and the subject has not been broached again........ (btw his ex wife cheated on him and that is why they are divorced.. I'm guessing he has always had a low libido and yes he wakes up every morning with impressive wood, which I have literally tried to take advantage of and was jokingly swatted away)...

...do I go ahead and get married knowing that I will most likely NEVER have intercourse again. I guess my self esteem. I was suprised when he supported my decision to have the band.. he said that he loved me no matter what but he knew that the weight gain had been depressing me...... he did however want to know how it would affect him, and for me to know that I shouldn't expect him to change the way he eats..... he has been pretty good about it.... as he is with most things.. except sex....... and I do miss it... I feel that at 37 I am too young to give it up, especially when there is a very avaible WORKING piece of equipment hooked to the man I love... its not fair that he doesn't want to spend the energy to use it.

I do have toys, and I swear some time I'm going to take a day off work to be alone with myself! LOL

Tracy,

I felt compelled to write back to thank you for posting, and to tell you that I know exactly what you are saying. I get the, "Oh Christ, not this again, Faith!!!!" whenever I bring up having sex or wanting to have sex or anything like it. My DH's ex wife cheated on him, too. Don't know if that has anything to do with this, but not loving or being affectionate towards your woman doesn't help the current situation, though. I do know I could NEVER cheat on him, I'd be mortified at how rusty my skills and stamina are. No way.

Granted DH (damned hubby today) does have a memory loss disorder, but I really feel like he's using that as an excuse some days. When we met it was all the time, and it was GREAT. He was amazing, heck, the perfect soap opera kiss was a daily occurrence and I was in heaven. He claims that he has FORGOTTEN how to do it that way. He says he doesn't remember how to be touchy feely or affectionate and that he forgets about it. He also has back problems and says it hurts to position himself in certain ways that would be required for any intimate activity let alone intercourse. And I know someone out there is now thinking "get on top" but I've never really liked that position. I don't know if it's fear of hurting the man because I have been heavy since puberty, or if it's because so many women rave about how great it is and how amazing it feels, but it isn't any more amazing to me. In fact, it bothers my hips, so I'm distracted. I don't orgasm with intercourse (I guess I'm one of those 70% of women who don't) and DH points that out to me when I bring up wanting to have intercourse. He says it will hurt his back and since it won't make me orgasm, then why bother? ARRGGGHH!!! Because it a) feels good, makes me feel more intimately connected with him, and c)makes me feel sexy and desireable.

Tracy, my DH is like your DBF, it works just fine, he wakes up with wood and "playfully" slaps my hand away on occasion, too. Other times he encourages me, to jack him off or give him oral, but intercourse won't happen. The most he'll touch on me is my breasts. Straight for the boobs. No kissing, no stroking of my skin.

We don't sleep together when we are at home any longer. He sleep full time on the couch. Ruining the couch, of course. But he claims that his back hurts in bed and that since we bought a queen sized bed and we're both good sized, that it's not comfortable to sleep together. When we go away we always sleep in a king sized bed and do sleep together, but there's no touching. I remember early on when he used to chase me all around the bed in our sleep, he had to be touching me in some way. It was so sweet and made me feel so loved and intimate with him.

He masturbates, he wants me to masturbate. We have a HUGE storage container FULL of toys. I am so tired of toys. I want touch and love and caressing.

I knew that we hadn't had sex in a while when I married him. I still did it because of similar reasons, Tracy. I love him, he's my best friend, we get along really well. We will grow old happily. We can go on a trip and drive for 10 hours and never turn the radio on because we're talking the whole time. But the lack of sex is a huge problem. We didn't have intercourse on our honeymoon. We messed around and there was mutual masturbation, but that's it. We had rented a log cabin with a hot tub and a jacuzzi on the side of a mountain in the Smokies and nada. When was the last time? I honestly have absolutely no idea. At least two years, I'm guessing. Annoying when I went in for the band and they charged me for a pregnancy test because it's protocol.

[faithmd 14]

In summation, if I were you I'd very seriously consider the fact that you will likely not have sex, or at least not very much ever again. I got married and have continued to cry myself to sleep some nights because I am so desperate and starved for affection and attention.

When I ask him why we don't, he will say that he's been in relationships in the past that were based on sex alone. In this relationship he feels so close to me, and so intimate and safe with me, that he doesn't feel the need to have sex because he's happy and comfortable.

[TerriDoodle 6]

Have any of you read self-help books on the subject of men being this way? I guess there's as many reasons as there are men, but I just can't imagine! Every man I've ever been with is always ready, day or night. I suppose it's gotta be psychological....some trauma or madonna complex or other Freudian thing. Got wood but not interested in sex. Hmmmm. I did see a Dr Phil thing one time that was on this subject. The man was a model father and husband in all ways, except that he had been caught with a hooker! The family was mortified, as he was. When Dr.Phil got to the bottom of it, turns out the guy is overweight and was ashamed of his body....didn't want his wife touching him or getting near him because of his shame. I'm sure many of us can relate. Men are sometimes so lousy at verbalizing their feelings or even knowing what they are....maybe they don't even know why they're like that. Have any of you asked them to go to a psychologist or sex therapist with you?

[nume130 0]

Tracy: we are glad you posted. It is difficult to face a life without sex especially when we don't have to. Would he be willing to go for counceling to explore what is behind it all?

For me it would be easier to accept if there was say a health reason why my H couldn't have sex. This wouldn't be rejection. But he doesn't have a health reason. He just doesn't desire me. That is rejection. I know the reasons why my H doesn't want to have sex. All the reasons bite deep inside. I'm having a bad day.

[TracyinKS 7]

Thanks everyone.. I kind of put myself out there with that..... I have asked him why, and he says he just doesn't know... he's tired, he's stressed... he did grow up overweight before puberty but once it hit he shot up to 6'4" and although he has gained some weight in his gut he still wears a 36-38 jean........ this is kind of sad... but once early on in the realationship he let it slip that he and the ex used to fight about sex, well not really fight .. he quickly added and then changed the subject.. I always thought it was her not wanting it but I've come to realize that it must of been the opposite. They never had sex without a condom unless they were trying to concieve...... anyway I don't want to dwell on it any more tonight it is a fact of my life and I know that overall its not the most important thing....... but I would like to remember what it was like.. had I known the last time would be the LAST I would of tried to remember ... and maybe I would of went out with that massuse just one more time...........

I will be looking into the self help books.. great idea

[Tamjpjb 1]

Hi everyone.

I just found this thread and have not been able to tear myself away until getting to the last post.

I am 36, married 17 years, 3 kids (7, 13, 16).

I wanted to know if anyone has noticed a decrease in their drive since the surgery? I have no desire anymore and I'm not sure why. When I'm not around my H I miss him and want to be intimate and tell myself that I'm just gonna go for it. Then when I get the chance, I just back out. It's almost like I'm more self conscious now than I was before the surgery. I don't get it. We do work pretty much opposite hours, he's always on call with no set schedule. He works for the railroad and is only home about every other day or two. We didn't have a problem before, but after doing it nearly every night that he was home, I got tired and just wanted to sleep. I was irritated and tired and made the mistake of saying "Do we have to do it EVERY night that you are home!" OOPS! I guess that really hurt his feelings and now he wont even try to initiate. I feel bad, but in a way it's a relief. I just don't have the desire and don't want to have to reject him. I want to get "back into the swing of things" but I just am not sure how to boost my desire.

Any suggestions?

Tami

[EVA 0]

I also believe in using barrier methods after years of screwing up my body on the pill I finally got off and only wish I had never gotten on it a second time. There are new barrier contraceptives out there though I havent tried them theres the femcap, the leashield and the oves. I havent been able to locate a pratictioner in the area that fits any of them but maybe someone else will have luck.

[catzintj 1]

ben wa balls. keeps the pc muscles tight and gives you much stronger orgasms. you can buy at your local toy store. start with the larger of the two sizes , then go to the smaller brass balls. you will love the results.

[TerriDoodle 6]

((Tracy)) I am so sorry. I feel your sadness. You are such a sweetheart and you deserve a great man. DBF does sound like a wonderful man in all other regards but that's a small consolation sometimes, I'm sure. Have you ever broached the subject of counseling? Has he ever discussed it with his doctor? Surely it must tear him up inside.

I have the opposite problem of being a bit 'frigid' (ew! I hate that word!) but it is getting a little better as I lose weight. My point is, I understand how some of these guys must feel.... I'm sure they wish they were different but just don't have a freakin' clue how to fix it. Because first they have to 'own it', admit that they have a problem, and verbalize the desire to make remedies. That's a LOT to ask of a MAN! I certainly can visualize how everytime you bring it up that he automatically gets defensive, rather than just admitting it and asking for patience and help while he tries to figure it out. So I'm just thinking that maybe a book will help you break thru that barrier in some way....some suggestions on how to deal with the male ego and their unique way of thinking and feeling.

I do hope you can find a way to get close to him again -- ya'll sound like a great couple in all other regards. -- XOXO

[Boo Boo Kitty 3]

In summation, if I were you I'd very seriously consider the fact that you will likely not have sex, or at least not very much ever again. I got married and have continued to cry myself to sleep some nights because I am so desperate and starved for affection and attention. quote]

I feel the same way, except the only attention I get most of the time makes me feel like complete shit. But then there are those glimpses of the man I want, the man I married and I crumbled. But I am thinking it is time to cut my losses while I am still young.

He is sweet, kind and nice to me when he thinks I am asleep. So does that mean the problem is me or him? He tells me that he loves me, that I am everything to him, ect. All while I am asleep. Maybe that shouldn't be enough to make me stay anymore.