Intimacy

[nume130 0]

Well my H and I had a really good talk last evening. It was really productive. We will never solve the intimacy issue but we understand each other and will work on friendship for our kids. We will probably be seperating some time down the road, but we will do it with maturity and with the kids best interest in mind. I feel relieved. I know that sounds terrible. Just being open and honest about our issues and how they have affected me has helped me alot. I am not as angry or resentfull. He feels bad about how this has affected me but he also is honest about the fact that he can't change. We both admitted that we should have had more premarriage counseling. He would have done very well single. But we have 3 great kids so we are happy about that. He is so devoted to his kids, God and he is so personable. Getting my issues out of the way will really help me appreciate his friendship more.

[green 6]

Bravo for you, nume! :clap2: I know a number of people who became really good friends with their exes. I was good friends with my ex after the dust settled and his wife (now widow) is one of my closest friends. In fact she and I will be going to a gig tomorrow afternoon which another one of my exes (who was a really good friend of my ex-husband, also a musician) will be giving. It's a small world up here in Greenland.... *wink*

Your husband sounds like he will be a fine friend and you will be free to find yourself a man who will care for you the way you want to be cared for. This will be a good thing.:biggrin1:

[gadgetlady 4]

nume130, you've taken a step in the right direction. Getting things out in the open and talking about them is a GREAT start!

May I suggest getting some good counseling for you and your husband? I know Focus on the Family has particularly good help, and there are also some weekend getaways that you might consider. Go to Family.org for more information or call 800-232-6459 and just ask for help. Don't assume all is lost in this marriage!

[areellady 1]

nume,

I am sooooo happy that you talked about this situation with DH. That is the FIRST step to helping yourself. You are awesome and beautiful and I am so glad that you are feeling some relief and some tension is gone in your life. Deanna

[lizrbit 0]

nume, this is great news.

i also think its a step in the right direction. dont lose heart. this is a good direction forward.

[nume130 0]

No hurry to do anything. I am just taking one day at a time and enjoying it. Great weather, great summer so far. Work is busy. I just want to concentrate on my kids and let all the rest go for now. I'll try to keep talking to my H though. Friendship is something to treasure.

How is everyone coping this week?

[faithmd 14]

I'm hanging on. Am two, no three...shit! I'm FOUR days post-op now (dayum time flies!) and doing okay.

My DH was sweet as all get out to me while I was being admitted, after the OR and on the drive home. He went up north to our house up there on Sunday evening to get some yardwork done and left me here (about 3 hrs away). I have my dad next door so I'm fine, but still. I kind of would have preferred for him to stay home with me. Though I kind of like the solitude as well...

I really wanted him to sleep with me (in bed, I mean) but he didn't, he always sleeps on the couch down here-we have a queen sized bed. Though when we are up north, we do sleep together in a king-sized bed. He pointed out that he'd be too scared he'd roll over and hurt me by bumping into me. I agree, but I didn't like it.

[nume130 0]

I know what you mean. The last time I had surgery the kids were small and my H booked a speaking engagement away. (how convenient) I fussed and then he had his parents come to stay with us. I ended up taking care of the kids and them to.

Wow what we women put up with!!!

Anyway. I didn't realize you were so close to your surgery date. I am so glad that all went well. Congratulations!!! You are well on your way now. Are you hungry?

[faithmd 14]

nope, not really hungry at all. thankfully!

[lizrbit 0]

Faith! :::HUGS::::

congratulations and welcome to bandland!

Your life is about to change completely, subtly, but completely

[faithmd 14]

losingjusme: WOOHOO!!!!!!!!!!!

[Nina_S 1]

Wow! I have really enjoyed reading this thread. I may get stoned for my comments but I think that for everyone that is not satisfied & are really not getting what they want they should first look closely at and listen closely to your heart and what it longs for. Set aside all of the technicalities - the possibly gay husband, the lack of being or feeling attractive, the possible medical conditions, etc, etc. What is your heart longing for... now walk towards that. True enough some things you will have to "walk away" from but know that all things work together for good. Intimacy encompasses so many things, other than sex, it is a familiarity, a knowing, a closeness, then follows the expression (a hug, a kiss, a touch, a foot massage, a back rub, etc.) My point being is that we first have to know ourselves, then love ourselves then welcome others to know us & love us, but in that order. Considering that for many, from the moment we partner with others, we are constantly evolving and our wants and needs change and vary but the foundation (being love) should remain. It is important to really know the person that we partner with.

Another important point is we have to face the truth. I don't have any stories to share but I do know that I have played the ostrich act enough to know that when you come up the truth is still there. Without that love for ourselves we are found constantly making compromises until there is nothing left of us. Don't get me wrong, I know that relationships take a lot of work but no relationship should require you to compromise who YOU are or who God has intended for you to be. I don't have any solutions and my only bit of advice is to LOVE YOURSELF!!! People will either Celebrate that or move right along. the intimacy is merely a token of the true love.

I would like to suggest that you guys get a copy of "Lies At the Altar" by Dr. Robin Smith. Here is a synopsis of that her book/audiobook is about...

Gentle voice notwithstanding, psychologist (and national television personality) Smith pulls no punches and minces no words in her heartfelt caution against the danger in believing "that you don't need what you do need." Truth is the theme here, and Smith guides listeners in how to recognize it, speak it and make it a part of the marriage. Although targeted to women who suppress themselves in order to be in a relationship, men are not left out. Smith's candid examples from her own failed marriage and those of the troubled couples she counsels ably illustrate her points. The first CD lists the top 10 lies about relationships (including "You can learn to live with the things that make you unhappy") together with their corresponding truths ("Suffering is not love"). The second CD explains how couples can make each marriage vow real. The third CD's bonus material is equally valuable: a set of 275 questions (viewable in Adobe reader) to ask before you marry. Smith succeeds admirably in taking the microscope to the myriad actions and words couples automatically do and say, and explaining how questioning them can lead to a more authentic marriage.

Can I get a head start running before the stones are thrown...

Nina

[nume130 0]

No stones will be thrown, I assure you. Actually I agree with you but I know I am trying to find my way. (I hope I understood correctly) I do want to find out what I want and you are right we shouldn't have to live without it. But how do you walk toward something that is not there???

[Nina_S 1]

No stones will be thrown, I assure you. Actually I agree with you but I know I am trying to find my way. (I hope I understood correctly) I do want to find out what I want and you are right we shouldn't have to live without it. But how do you walk toward something that is not there???

For me it has been 2 1/2 years. I am not happy with it at all. My husband was gay before he met me. We are Christians so, it become complicated. We have been married for 27 years this august. It was always me who inititated sex, but he put up alot of barriers, so for us 10-12 x year, even as newly weds. I was 130 lbs when married and over 200 now. I have never been happy about it at all. I want to feel loved and desired and I don't believe it is to much to ask. I live with the shame and silence- is that right? I don't think so. We are just room mates with kids and bills in common. But for us if it was just sex and there was other types of intimacy- well I just don't know.

Nume130,

You said it," I want to feel loved and desired ." This is probably a popular sentiment.

But how do you walk toward something that is not there??? First you have to believe that it exists, but you also have to consider in whom or what you are looking for it in. I am a Chrisitian and I am also a firm believer in the Law of Attraction. The principle belief is that your thoughts, emotions, actions and beliefs attract corresponding experiences through vibration. In other words, if you don't belief that something exists or that you are not worthy of something you will not experience that. In no way am I trying push my beliefs on anyone but moreso to help you evaluate how you feel about yourself (for whatever reason) and how that effects what you are able to manifest in your life. Please try to get over the feelings of shame, we are all human and deal with the same issues, there is no need for you to feel ashamed. Nume130, you are a loving person and you opened your heart to this man despite his past and blessed him iwth beautiful children - I see no shame in that at all. Focus on all of the emotions that you want to experience - loved & desired. Stay focused on that, reside in that.

Nina

[lizrbit 0]

Losingjustme!!!!!

right on! at least you tried it out. Did it affect your dreams at all? (the week you did this?) Congratulations on the pretty panties and their enticement!

Did he look at you funny, like, "whats up?" Now we know what works for him. Time to start collecting!

i STILL have strange flying dreams most nights i sleep naked. ive had to start putting long gowns on from time to time just to get some rest.

lol.