Intimacy

[lizrbit 0]

oh man yeah...im really private in person. I love quiet, probably because things rarely are day to day.

i have a few close nutty people that have adopted me and let me hang out from time to time im grateful for them..but the last 20 years of my life was ferociously lonely, and the same lonliness that used to isolate me from the world now lends itself, dressed up and reworded into "privacy" and i treasure it. My job is public.

my few nutty people i found through going to things that were interesting to us respectively..for me art shows are alot of fun, and i wind up meeting people very similar to me by going to them. (not to mention theres free booze and free food, but when your dressed up you dont talk about that so much) lol...

Band support groups are another source im looking forward to meeting people that live with the band, again..similar interests. Look through the paper for announcements or even go online and google your area and "events" and see if theres anything that interests you. coffee houses, book clubs, even taking a pm course at a local community college in something you are really interested in?

[nume130 0]

It is funny, I am very outgoing and talkative at work. But when I get into a different situation- social- I can't find anything to talk about. Work is easy to talk about- I'm getting paid for information and information I can give, but after that- I'm lost. Everyone seems to have their own group. I tried to go to a small group at church but I am not consistently at my little house on the weekend. There isn't any weekend things happening in my local church other then Sunday service. Everyone is so busy. I did run into a gal I used to work with and we are getting together when I am in the area next week. I am really looking forward to that. She needs a friend as well as she has just relocated. She lives about 2 hours from either house. But I am in the area alot. Since my H and I aren't doing anything together socially, I rarely see my married friends. My kids find friends everywhere. I tell you to be young again... Work can really crowd in and take over your life.

[Lotsacurves 0]

I missed my high school reunion two years ago, and I just skipped a wedding of some people who knew me when I was skinny.

I know I'm guilty of sizing up people I haven't seen in a long time, and I don't want people doing the same to me. I ran into a former student who DIDN'T RECOGNIZE ME and it was so embarrassing. Sure, it might have been an honest mistake - maybe I was out of context - but I assumed it was because of the 50 pounds I'd packed on since last I saw her.

Being fat (and being constantly aware of it) can really put the whammy on your self esteem.

[areellady 1]

I agree with the friends. As I age, I just want to do my own little thing and not HAVE to make time for others. I actually get really annoyed if someone calls me "just to talk". I would much rather spend my time with DH. I am weird that way. I have had many friends and then I seem to always let the relationship go for some reason. Probably because they get too needy and want more of my time. Maybe like liz said a night class, a book club some different gatherings. I know our university has a band play on Wednesday nights in the quad for free and tonight DH, I and DD went on our bikes and enjoyed some music. ALL sorts of people were there doing all sorts of different things. Some were there just to listen to the music. Some were playing frisbee, some soccer. Some were playing with their dogs and we talked to A LOT of those people because the dogs liked us I guess. Good luck on finding some way to find some friends that you would like to hang out with and do some YOU time. Deanna

[EVA 0]

It takes work on both parties and to be honest if one party is not interested its just not going to work. I find that you have to give in once in awhile and to be honest you have to be intimate even if you dont want to sometimes or things kinda fizzle. I find the more intimate we are the closer we are we are very cuddly and I believe I push for it I push for our time alone and romantic dinners and all of that because if you dont make an effort it disapears.

If it has fizzled all hope is not lost so long as your partner is still interesdted and well heck if they forgot, remind them why they were interested to start of with. Even if its not complete intimacy alone time with talks that have nothing to do with family and bills can go along way cuddle, hold hands whatever just start comunicating again.

As for a spouse who is not invested in a relationship sometimes you have to cut your losses. If you make every effort to love someone and they dont love cherish and appreciate you then your better of on your own and starting over remember with every door that closes a window opens.

I believe in death do us part but I belive that god doesnt want us suffering also.

Best of luck

Eva

[rroswelltx 1]

WOW! can relate to so many of you! I have ben married for 7 1/2 years to a man who doesn't drink, womanize and loves to spend time with his family. However he does have a rude streak a mile wide that he marks off as just joking all the time. That alone though is not to bad but when you become non intimate it does tricks on a womans pyschy. Let me explain. I got pregnant immediately when we got married, we were very sexually active until then. I had a horrible pregnancy and did not feel like having sex, so after being rejected for those months he stopped asking. I gained a lot of weight during the pregnancy and so did he. After I had the baby I would come on too him and he would reject me. I thought at first that he was getting back at me for my previous rejection, then as time rolled on I thought he had "Mother of my child syndrome" which is where he no longer see's me as a sexual woman but just as a mom. Then as child got older it couldn't be that. It must be me. We would have sex maybe 2 times a year and that was always following a big blow up about me not getting what I need from him ( it would only last minutes). He said he would do better have sex with me and then it would never happen again till 8 or 9 months down the road when I would blow up again. Then after 6 years had gone by his "JOKING" started to really piss me off. I mean if the only attention your getting is negetive joking then your self confidence goes on vacation. Now my hubby always says he loves me with all his heart and does kiss me (peck) hi and bye and would often hold my hand or put his arm around me. But I needed to be desired as a woman, I needed a more intimate touch. I just wans't getting any of that. I told myself that when I lost weight it would be different. He would tell me that it wasn't me, that he didn't know why he didn't have a desire for sex. I had him go to the Dr.s they even gave him pills to try, to this day the pill bottle seal has never been broken. Everything checked out good medically but still nothing changed. June 2006 I got banded by October I had lost 75lbs and was then less than when we got married. Still nothing changed> I felt that it might have to do with his weight but he would never admit it, he was probably pushing 330 by now. I was now getting all kinds of compliments from other's and turning some heads but not my hubby's. It devastated me. We were fighting all the time, I had so much anger towards him. In december I told him that I was through with our marriage, not because I didn't love him but because I didn't feel he loved me. I was tired of being hurt by his words and not feeling any love. He told me once again how much he loved me and couldn't take loosing me. I told him that I had heard that for the last time, he could tell me that till he was blue in the face but actions spoke louder than words. For 1 week I lived with him, like I didn't care anymore but inside my heart was breaking. He cried and we talked over and over but I would not change my stance. Then like usuall after our blow ups he came on to me, but this time I said NO. I would not let myself be sucked into having sex once then going right back to where we was. He tried every night from that point forward and for 1 week I continued to turn him down telling him I just couldn't because I didn't trust him. I was not going to let him break my heart again. Then after a week I finally gave in but before I did I told him if i made love to him that he had to realize that I was doing so because I wanted to trust him and believe in his love for me and if he stopped trying again that it would be something I could never recover from. When he made love to me that night it was different than any other time he had done it just to get me to shut up. He made me feel loved and desired. Since then our whole lives has changed. we make love at least 2 times a week now, we don't fight very much, and we have grown closer than ever. We have a new respect for eachother. He now has gained his self confidence back and he is trying to lose weight, he is down about 40lbs now. I am a christian and too believe that I couldn't leave my marriage unless he was unfaithful. don't know if I would have truly left him back then or not, but I was NOT going to let him know that. I stood my ground and made him realize what he was doing to me. Now we are so close he can't take his hands off me sometimes.

I guess I wrote this book to make you all see that I have been there and I definetly sympathize. You are not alone, but sometimes it does get better. There was many years when I never thought it could but by the grace of God it did. Thanks for listening.

[nume130 0]

Dear rroswelltx: thank you so much for sharing you story with us. I am so happy for you. You obviously did just the right thing for your marriage. Congratulations on losing all that weight.

[gadgetlady 4]

Ive been married for 20 yrs.

The past two years prior to banding we had not had a physically intimate relationship, and i was vocal about being unhappy. i loved this man, i didnt want it to be 'over' but i was NOT okay with the way things had been. I started taking trips to wherever i wanted to go, and staying as long as i wanted. that got his attention first, then i got serious and said to him one day, "look, i want a sexual life, and if you dont want me, then please let me go so i can be with someone who does". It was a hard conversation to have, and we wound up having it several times before it sank in.

then...

banding...then...

about a month into it, we had a sunday morning where we were both off, laying there, looking out the window...and i attacked him.

When i hear "it cant happen overnight" i think "bull malarky. you make up your mind to switch it on and then you do the work to keep striking it till it lights" and its true, IF thats what you really want.

a conversation with a friend about "daily excercise", and now we are rediscovering things. I thought this beast was dead. It wasnt completely. it took a little while on life support but now is on its own beating heart.

im overjoyed.

im also aware that since i typed this, it will likely slow right back down. LOL...seems the MINUTE i leap for joy about something, the whammy hits and im left looking into the camera going "what?".

I haven't read all the say through this thread, but this post really hit me. I've been married for 14 years and my dh is also my best friend. We dated for 3 days and then were engaged, and fewer than 6 months later we were married. We have an a very fulfilling sex life, and but for a few bumps in the road here and there, we always have. We are super affectionate and treat each other with respect and love at all times. We don't fight, we don't yell at each other, and we rarely disagree. Reading about those of you who haven't had sex in 2 years or consider your spouse to be more of a roommate than a lover makes me very sad. DH and I have a saying that "sex is like glue" -- it helps keep the marriage together and it's an important part of your relationship. Don't assume it's gone forever.

I agree with lizrbit that sometimes you just have to go for it sometimes. Make up your mind to make your marriage something terrific and, barring unusual things going on (affairs, etc.) you will see little successes along the way. Get into counseling or talk to someone, preferably together but alone if you spouse won't go, and get some good advice and ideas. Remember that a lot of our self-esteem is tied up in the physical relationship, so don't get discouraged about who YOU are if your spouse isn't physical with you.

All that said, marriage does NOT have to be boring. I fully believe every marriage has the capacity to be outstanding.

[TheGh0st 9]

:high5:Regina -

I also wanted to thankyou for your post. Your story sounds so similar to mine, all except the turn around ofcourse. I'm still too scared to take that step for fear he will call my bluff. Though I'm getting closer & closer to wondering if it would be a bluff as well.

Here's to the rest of us finding a method and the courage to find a path that works for us as well. Wherever that path may take us.

- Diane

[gadgetlady 4]

All this talk about sleeping naked is fine. But for me the only problems we've had in the bedroom have been more my lack of desire not his. But my lack of desire is a direct result of a lack of intimacy outside the bedroom. So, maybe I ought to just try running around the house naked after our son goes to bed and see if that sparks some intimacy outside the bedroom.:)

Our pastor did a series on sex a while back and he used a great analogy: men are like microwaves, women are like crock pots. That crock pot needs to be on all day and get stirred every once in a while for it to be ready at dinner time. There's also a book with a title something like "Sex Begins in the Kitchen" -- meaning that we women need more than intimacy to start when you hop into bed, and that often if a man helps out in the kitchen by washing the dishes or whatever, this will turn his wife's heart towards him. We need to have our pots stirred throughout the day.

Explain this analogy to your dh. Then, when he's not doing it, just say "crock pot" (with no explanation) throughout the day. In other words, I need a kiss, I need a snuggle, I need a hug, I need you to show me you love me, etc.

[green 6]

Destructive joking is one of those strange behaviours which men tend to indulge in more than women. It is a mean and belittling way to behave towards the people you love, your wife and your kids, and it does a lot of damage to its victims. At the same time the perpetrator can say, if he is called up on it, "what? I was only joking!" This is passive-aggressive behaviour, nasty behaviour which flies under the radar.

We women have our own arsenal of bad behaviour, by the way....

Although my husband and I have a relationship which really is pretty terrific in most ways he will get into those moods where he does the joking thing and of course his jokes are never funny and never nice. When I challenge him on these he starts out by claiming that he was only joking but when I begin to push a little bit he does admit that he was aware that he was being mean to me and he apologises. The truth is that sometimes I have had to push back quite a lot before he will back off and admit that his jokes were anchored in anger and other negative feelings.

Anger and resentment are bound to crop up from time to time in relationships and the language which women and men use to convey these feelings while seeking to avoid a full out direct confrontation tends to be different. Men and women have their own ways of chipping away at each other and often they are not even aware that they are inflicting damage. These behaviours are those passive-aggressive behaviours and the first step is to identify them as hurtful stuff which gets under your skin. The second step is to sit down with your mate and tell him or her that when he or she behaves in such a manner you feel belittled, demeaned, and hurt, and these are the reasons why. And then you must lay out these reasons in a cool, calm, and easily understandable manner.

You might be interested to know that my husband who is 9 years my junior had for years been silently seething with humiliation whenever I would make a point of mentioning our age difference. He wanted us to be viewed as equals, you see. As for me, I just wanted to have everyone calm down with respect to their speculations.

Passive-aggressive behaviour is always a sign that the perpetrator is unhappy about the way the relationship is going and is anxious that something be changed or repaired. It can be something minor or something more serious.

You might also be interested to learn that it was my husband who taught me how to do all of this. The sad truth is that although in many ways I am a smartie pants I have always been a hot head and I was not all that successful in my personal relationships. It was my husband who has taught me how to calm down, analyse my emotional damage, and then distance myself from it and deal with it like a thoughtful adult. Adult dogs can be taught new tricks and I am hoping that old bitches, for I am almost 58, can learn new tricks, too. :heh:

[areellady 1]

Great posts ladies!!!! A lot of things to think about definitely. The crock pot is so right!!! A little help with the kids and household chores goes A LONG way in my book. Although my kids are older, when they were little I had to make dinner, then give baths, do dishes, pick up after everyone and it is damn tiring!!!! Some men need to be gently pushe toward behaviors that will help and some probably need to be shoved. And then there are those who will NEVER help their wives no matter what is said to them. I have a few Brother in Laws like this. Deanna

[gadgetlady 4]

I agree about the passive-aggressive, joking-but-not-really-joking behaviors. I also have a comment on the issue of being too afraid or nervous or shy to talk to your husband about what is bothering you (or what you want in bed). They way I frame any such conversation is that this is our life together and our marriage and I want it to be the best it can be. I'm not going to play games with our relationship and I'm not going to NOT say something that needs to be said just because I'm timid or proud or whatever. There is nothing I can't say to dh, and if there is I just push past it and know that I need to say it and get it off my chest or it'll just fester there under the surface. If he rejects me (he never has) or belittles me (he never has), I'll call him on it because that's not acceptable. We are 100% transparent with each other.

[areellady 1]

Gadgetlady,

You and I have the same kind of relationship with hubbys. If he wants something he asks, if I want something I ask. Gosh there is so much other crap to deal with in life day to day I can't imagine NOT being able to have an affectionate, loving hubby to talk to about it all. I just wish everyone would have that I guess. I feel sad for those who don't get treated like the queens that we ladies are!!! Deanna

[Marimaru 7]

My husband has worked our entire relationship to get me to open up about what I want, and I'm getting better at it. The more I'm able to talk to him, the closer we get, and I'm getting the the point where I'm not forcing the words out (because I'm feeling shy). At the beginning, one thing that helped was that we both work in technology (for the same company) and we could chat online, so I didn't have to actually "say" things, but he still got the message.