Intimacy

[areellady 1]

I am finding this thread more and more sad as the days go on. My husband worships the ground I walk on in EVERY way. Sure, we have had our ups and downs, all relationships do. There have been times of non intimacy in our marriage, but eventually, these work themselves out and we are back to being one again. I think that I would really feel so very badly if my husband did not touch me. He is VERY touchy feely guy. ALL THE TIME!! There have been times that it is stimulation overload!!!!! But now I am wondering if I should be so ever thankful for this because I would not know how to live without the touching and kissing that he gives freely. I was about 170 when we married and on April 5th of the is year was 305.5. He has NEVER changed not one bit about the way he touches me or kissed me all the time from my small weight to the highest. He tells me daily, probably more like twice daily, how beautiful I am...and you know what...after ALL these years...I am FINALLY starting to believe it. You ladies are such wonderful, beautiful people. You must have so much love in your hearts for your men that you are willing to sacrifice the very thing that most people can never get enough of when first being with partner. Sex is so very important in a relationship. If you had really good sex all the time, but hubby NEVER talked to you other than when having sex, you would not think that was healthy. I know this is a thread to let our your frustrations and feelings and I am so glad that you all have a place to do that. It must be so very hard for you each and every day. I am thinking about you ladies daily and I hope that your relationship will change so you will have some happiness in this area of your life. Deanna

[lepez 0]

I am finding this thread more and more sad as the days go on. My husband worships the ground I walk on in EVERY way. Sure, we have had our ups and downs, all relationships do. There have been times of non intimacy in our marriage, but eventually, these work themselves out and we are back to being one again. I think that I would really feel so very badly if my husband did not touch me. He is VERY touchy feely guy. ALL THE TIME!! There have been times that it is stimulation overload!!!!! But now I am wondering if I should be so ever thankful for this because I would not know how to live without the touching and kissing that he gives freely. I was about 170 when we married and on April 5th of the is year was 305.5. He has NEVER changed not one bit about the way he touches me or kissed me all the time from my small weight to the highest. He tells me daily, probably more like twice daily, how beautiful I am...and you know what...after ALL these years...I am FINALLY starting to believe it. You ladies are such wonderful, beautiful people. You must have so much love in your hearts for your men that you are willing to sacrifice the very thing that most people can never get enough of when first being with partner. Sex is so very important in a relationship. If you had really good sex all the time, but hubby NEVER talked to you other than when having sex, you would not think that was healthy. I know this is a thread to let our your frustrations and feelings and I am so glad that you all have a place to do that. It must be so very hard for you each and every day. I am thinking about you ladies daily and I hope that your relationship will change so you will have some happiness in this area of your life. Deanna

Dear Areellady (Deanna),

Does your hubby have a brother? Men like yours are in short supply and I wish I could feel the way you do. It is really sad to go year after year wishing that I could feel the way you do. Count your blessings and thank the Lord that you found someone like him!

[mariecarmen 1]

Nume--what you describe isn't abuse, it's neglect. Still as damaging, still as hurtful. But is it intentional? Does he purposely NOT touch you in order to instill bad feelings and diminish your self-esteem? Or does he just not feel loving toward you?

In your situation, I would do some long, hard thinking on this issue. Are you better off with him or without him? Are the problems you face resolvable or irreconcilable? Have you identified your needs and communicated them to him in a calm and direct manner? Does he realize how deeply this issue is affecting you? Is he willing to work on repairing your relationship? Are you?

All tough questions. I wish you a lot of luck and strength in whatever you decide to do, or not do, or tolerate.

[nume130 0]

Mariecarmen: thanks. Every once in a while I can't put things into perspective. My husband is not vindictive or mean. He just doesn't desire me. Hates touching and being touched. At this point I don't feel that I am better off with him but my family is. I have identified my needs, but he makes no effort. He is very passive. He is a very nice, personable, passive by nature man. And for some reason, I don't know how it happens he always ends up being the victim in every situation. His kids love him. We have always tried to provide a secure home life. It is what it is. I guess if I were to change that and separate, the only evil person would be me, again. There are some things you can't tell your kids and this is one of them. So yup, I'd be the one destroying our family and my husband the poor victim.

[lizrbit 0]

so the hard question...would you be willing to be 'the bad guy' in order to have a better life?

[nume130 0]

lizrbit: I have given this alot of thought and at this point I am not willing to do this to my family. Maybe if things don't improve (I'm not really hopeful) I'll change my decision once my son is finished high school. So I guess I just have to stop whining. But it has been great to know that I am not the only one staying in a marriage like the one I have. To know that I am not a freak. That it may not be all my fault. To share tears with others. I guess just for all these years I have felt so much shame. This thread has helped me put into words what has been happening and to work through this decision. I am going to make decisions and try to live my life that benefit myself but not at the expense of my children.

So I did it- I e-mailed the surgeons office yesterday to book my surgery for October. It will take me that long to get the money together. It is 16,000 for us here in Canada. Time for me to start to reverse the effects this has on me and get a life.

[lizrbit 0]

nume, congratulations!!! I wish i could demonstrate how i feel for what you go through daily. I understand waiting. You are certainly NOT a freak and there are so many times I felt hopeless as Im sure others go through it too, as evidenced by the other posts on this thread.

Are you self pay? will your insurance definitely not cover it?

[nume130 0]

Thanks lizrbit: no we don't have access to insurance companies for these types of things. We have provinical, public insurance but it doesn't cover this type of operation. Oh well! I keep telling myself that I am worth it. I'm nervous but this forum is amazing. I will know exactly what to expect when I get this done. I have considered going to Mexico, but I don't know it there is any after care available to me. The surgeon that I have chosen is excellent, just almost double from the mexico prices but I will have good after care and if anything goes wrong it is covered. I feel at peace about it now that I have made the decision. I haven't told my husband yet.

(I just hope this will give me enough time to get the money)

[areellady 1]

nume,

GOOD FOR YOU!! You ARE worth it!!!!!! You are a special person and I hope you find happiness in this lifetime. You know, a person is only here once, this is no dress rehearsal, so enjoy your life NOW...Deanna

[green 6]

Nume, I was done at TLBC but I have heard that Dr. Cobourn is wonderful and that he is a real dish. You will be in excellent hands. I am very pleased that you are going to get yourself banded. It is one of the nicest things that we overweight women can do for ourselves.

I was banded last Sept and at the time I weighed 200 lbs and I was on a one way track to gaining more. Now I weigh 154 and my BMI is finally in the normal range. I think that the loss has been very healthy because it hasn't been too rapid. Congratulations from another Canuck, eh. And you are worth it. We all are!

[carol1951 0]

Thanks for this thread. I understand what everyone is saying. My husband is a great guy and we have been married almost 38 years, but in the last few years it has really slowed down. I want sex more then he does and it very discouraging at times. I too have spend many sleepless nights and have cried myself to sleep a few times. As women we alway think its our fault, but its not always our fault. My husband has never been that touchy feely person that some write about. He never says I love you unless he is repeating back to me. Now day he never starts the sex. I know part has to be my weight although he has never expressed that, but we do not go out very often either. I feel a lot of this has to do with my weight issues. Sometimes it me and sometimes its him. But sex a little more often than every six weeks would be good.

[nume130 0]

Hi Carol: It can be so difficult at times. Have you talked with your husband? It may help. I know with the increased weight, we don't always feel that great about ourselves. Lots of things really add to the situation.

As women we crave so much more then the sex (although it is that as well). How about not having to ask "can you hold me"? And then you just hear a sigh then "okay just for a minute, I'm tired" and then a heavy arm just plunked over you. To me, thats not holding me. I stopped asking that question over 5 years ago. Yup for me it is more then just the sex, its the tenderness.

[areellady 1]

I think if men have time to watch t.v. or go out with their friends fishing or whatever then they HAVE TIME TO HOLD THEIR WIVES!!!! That is ridiculous the amount of people who have no one to hold them or be tender or affectionate to them. We as humans need to be touched. This is a serious issue that a person should NOT have to live with!! Why be miserable for YEARS!!! I feel so deeply sad for all of you without an affectionate person to hold you or touch you. I wish you all the best in figuring out what you are going to do in your situations. Deanna

[Marimaru 7]

This is an amazing thread. I feel for everyone who's posted.

Nume,

Your husband sounds alot like my dad. My mom had other issues with him that lead to a divorce, but he was one that always tried to be the victim. My mom sat me down when I was 9 and laid it all out to me. It wasn't a 'bash the dad' session, but just facts, basically. This helped prepare me for lots of things down the road (it was a nasty divorce). My youngest sister fell into his "poor me" mentality and was very angry with my mom for a number of years, but eventually saw on her own how he is. I don't know about your kids or anything, but if you are holding on just for them, I honestly recommend against it. The adult 'children' I know who's parents got divorced after they grew up don't seem to adjust to it well at all. They are confused, and wonder how much of their lives their parents were lying about their relationship, etc, you know?

I think the neglect can be as harmful as intended emotional abuse.

Regarding not being held in bed; sometimes when I want to cuddle and I get the feeling he doesn't, I just lay with my head on his chest or stomach for a while. It doesn't really require any work on his part and it makes me feel good.

I count myself as very lucky in the intimacy department, and I just hope it can stay that way..

[lizrbit 0]

okay..you guys know i like little quick to the point solutions that at the very least, IF they dont FIX specific issues, they will at least make him click his head to the side and go "huh?"...and in reading arelladys post it came to me.

So lets review...

the first quick "just try it and see what happens and report back" is

1) sleep naked for one week straight. Dont say anything, dont expect anything, just sleep naked. One week.

2) SELL THE TV do it while hes at work. use the money for a manicure/pedicure, and a new bottle of samsara purfume.