Intimacy

[TheGh0st 9]

... your so not alone on the not climaxing during sex. My husband used to look at me strange when i told him i just cant...but yet i can mechanicly, and even THEN it took forever for me to do it in front of him. i still dont have it during regular intercourse, but now he can do it manually. which is brand spanking new.

woo.

Yay for me.

I've fantasized about asking him to use a tool but am too embarrased to ask and when he does use fingers or the rare occasion mouth (OMG I can't believe I said that) I can't stop thinking about how it might hurt him that I get so much more pleasure from that than from the actual sex, so I hold back and still don't climax.

I really do think a lot our problems revove around my own hang-ups with my body image. So the option of looking for someone else really wouldn't help much. I know his lack of intimacy outside the bedroom doesn't help, but then again some of that may stem from my own image problems. After all there are only so many times any partner can try to re-assure you over a 14+ year marriage before they just quit trying.

I know I should seek counseling but that opens a whole other area of issues with my father and the fact he was/is a counselor. Making me not too fond of working with any counselor. I'm hoping that somehow after the Plastic Surgery and with help from boards like this one I can get over my own body image issues without "professional" help.

Then maybe I'll just have to start walking around the house naked, maybe that would help outside the bedroom. Rewind, that might not be a great idea with a 3-1/2 yr old son. Well, maybe after he goes to bed then, we could always tie a bell to his door and keep a robe nearby:D

[green 6]

Lots of women cannot have orgasms through vaginal sex. I have not only read this but I have had girlfriends which have told me that this is true for them. (Decades ago I used to belong to The Sunday Afternoon Ladies' Champagne Drinking Club - except none of us had the money to blow on the real stuff and so we drank champagne-style wine instead) and a lot of intimate details emerged while we were all guzzling and bonding.

It seems that women tend to fall into a variety of categories when it comes to sex and the big O. Some only get it through the stimulation of their external organs and so they are crazy about oral sex and manual stimulation. Others need penetration and quite a few women never have orgasms or experience them rarely. This is what I have learned through reading about female sexuality and this is also what my soused friends have told me over the years. And, by the way, lots of women prefer to masturbate for any number of reasons.

My own sex drive is seriously ruined because of the meds that I am on. But I used to be someone who needed penetration in order to have a good time. I was a complete failure at masturbation, as was my mum (we once had a masturbation talk lol), and while I quite liked oral sex this counted as foreplay, not the main course, and I would become quite frustrated if the guy began spending too much time down there. And grabbing them by the hair to make them stop only worked if they weren't bald......!

[losingjusme 12]

what an incredible thread. i have so much to say. SO MUCH ... will try to write tonight (umm, not at work )

[areellady 1]

I don't think a whole lot of women can have an orgasm through regular sexual intercourse. I think most have orgasms with other stimulation. Oh course, I could be wrong. Just seems to me throught other conversations with friends and others that this is the case most of the time. Deanna

[green 6]

Yah, it seems to me, too, that a lot of women prefer other forms of stimulation to intercourse.

[MysticstarD 0]

WOW page 4 already!

I too am afraid my husband will find mine. Specially because it is bigger than him.

[lizrbit 0]

WOW page 4 already!

I too am afraid my husband will find mine. Specially because it is bigger than him.

doh! now theres something we havent gone into yet...

if it was the other way around? like..if i found a small size 5 rubber happy hoohah that looked as if it never had three babies and stretched over my head and back, hidden under the bed on his side...how would it make me feel? but you know what? sex is so different than love. Prior to being married this time, i dated and was sexually active. I remember the fellas with three legs. I dont remember their names per say...but i remember everything else. if he finds it, you can explain to him that you CHOSE him out of the seas of three legged men to be with for the long haul.. and this is for fun. I dont know if it would make a difference, but thats an interesting topic and question: "is your partner intimidated by your sexuality?" and if yes, then how do you get him into a training and introductory program?

does anyone have any experience with "the pump"? does it work?..and is it safe?

[MysticstarD 0]

My toy was a fun gift from a friend and I have had for a long time and I do prefer my husband who has a good size member and he is great at it all. If it wasn't for our schedules being so different I would not need the help of a toy.

[Lotsacurves 0]

My BF just admitted last night that he's not sexually attracted to me now that I've gained a bunch of weight. I weigh 248 now, about 70 pounds heavier than when we started dating 5 years ago. My heart is broken, and I feel so embarrassed. We were going to wait until marriage before sex, but we had sex for the first time about three months ago....and haven't had sex since. He *swears* that he's still attracted to me....just "not as much." Part of me wants to tell him to eff off, and part of me wants to go and cry. (Wait! I have been crying!) Anyway - I REALLY want to get lapband surgery now.....but for ME, and not for his libido.

[areellady 1]

Oh Lotsofcurves...I want to give you a BIG hug and tell you YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL!!!! Don't ever let any man tell you that!! That is rude and insensitive and RUDE(did I say that already)!!! A person needs to have a mate that loves them NO MATTER what size they are. One day it MIGHT be him that is overweight, then what would he do if you told him that? I am sorry he said that to you sweetie!! You need to be cherished and treasured for YOU...not your weight!!! Deanna

[Lotsacurves 0]

Deanna - Thank you for being such a honey! I can't tell you how much your sweet response meant to me. Thank you for being so kind.

By the way, he apologized for "being a jackass" this evening. We shall see.....

Best wishes to you!!!:kiss2:

[areellady 1]

Sometimes men can be so insensitive about what they say!! But, sounds like a good guy if he knows he did wrong!! I am glad that it made you feel better. I get really defensive when someone gets hurt because of stupid comments about weight!! Deanna

[mommy3boys 0]

I can so relate to the intimacy issue. My ex was a hornball and could never get enough. It was quantity vs. quality with him. After a while I really did not enjoy it and it became a chore. I looked for any excuse to avoid it since I rarely had orgasms. I realized that I'm more of the manual stimulation kinda of gal. Well this situation worsened over time and we eventually divorced after I discovered he was cheating. I just didn't want him bad enough to try harder. He wasn't worth it.

After I had my first intimate relationship after my divorce I discovered it wasn't me and it wasn't him, it was me with him. Quality over quantity beats every time. I have sinced discovered that a man who cares about you is a much better lover than someone who is selfish and egotistical.

I don't know if this helps anyone but I wanted to share since I can sympathize with what everyone here to saying.

Ana

[nume130 0]

I was walking to work this week, thinking about everything, trying to sort out how I feel, trying to define everything and getting no where. What is this problem anyway, I keep asking myself over and over. So because my husband doesn't like to touch me etc. is this abuse? Well is it? Does any one know? I mean, I can't really think of my husband as abusive. But when you are in the situation, it is hard to see the forest from the trees. It is such a horrible word. I'm probably over reacting. So many of us are experiencing the same issues, so maybe we are more the norm. I feel very mixed up today.

One thing I do know is that all you ladies are terrific!!

[kyethra 0]

There are reasons, other than homosexuality, why men will have little sex interest in their partners. One reason could be depression and another might be that he is on medication, like I am, which interferes with his sex drive. There are also physical problems which men get which interfere with their ability to perform and then they become ashamed and don't want to talk about it. And men will develop psychological hang-ups, too, and be unable to face these issues. We women find it much easier to talk about things, to visit doctors, to do take steps to solve even the most embarassing of problems. That a man be a stud is a major part of every man's identity. I have read that the numbers of men who have problems in the sexual arena, especially as they age, is higher than one might think.

And for you who live in small towns your men may feel that it is impossible for them to the get help they might need: not enough anonymity and not any of the right kind of specialists. In my big city there is at least one men's clinic dedicated to sexual problems.

And then there are those guys who are having affairs and getting it from someone else.

This is true. My DH and I have sex at least once or twice a week (of course I wish it was closer to 9 times a week), but we don't have sex more often because he is on meds and those affect him. Or because the anxiety and depression the meds don't care of affects him. I don't like it, but I get it. So we focus on quality rather than quantity. Lately my hormones have been changing due to weight loss. I take estrogen along with my birthcontrol and I lowered my estrogen dose. Due to that I'm been dry and not quite myself sexually, not as responsive. Its a bummer! I also feel sort of bad abou all my scars (I had my gall bladder out six weeks after the band was put in plus I had an allergic reaction to the adhesive from the badnages first time aroud so I have this scars from blisters). I think its important to talk about intimacy in relationships. What is each partner willing to have and willing to do? Whatabout holding the other parter while he or she masturbates? Cuddling and whispering sweet nothings into each other's ears and then you can finish up on your own? Sometimes just having him hold me is all I need-- just a random hug or kiss.