Intimacy

[MysticstarD 0]

WOW! Nume hugs from me too.

My first husband and I were married for 6 yrs and had 3 children. He raped me violently once after I filed for divorce and the sex during the marriage can be considered rape also since he forced me. He cheated a lot.

My second husband and I have a great relationship but he gets up at 3am to go to work and goes to bed at 9pm sometimes earlier. I go to bed after 11pm. The only time we are intimate are the Fridays that my children go to their dad's house, if he takes them so we are talking about twice per month if we are lucky.

I start to feel disconnected when weeks go on and we have not done it. I guess it is a good thing we are not planning on having children or that would never happen at the rate we are going.

[maziemommy 8]

Are you saying you haven't been intimate since the night before your wedding? 8 Years ago? (((((Hugs))))) I feel for you, I really do. Wish I had some constructive advice to offer.

No, I'm not saying that we have not had sex in 8 years but, that on our wedding night.. I did not have sex... that was so shocking to me, as it was opposite of our "norm".......and things changed so markedly that I can pinpoint the day! In the past two years we have had sex three times now... the most recent after I posted on this thread.

I am not just a complainer... I have worked very long and hard on my relationship, how I treat him, myself our daughter... been to counseling, read books and take advice often.... I am still working on it, but, still unsatisfied in many ways.

His usual "lazy" comments, and actions ... WHAT A TURN OFF... for four years it has been me to initiate, me to do any foreplay, me to do all the "work" and me to clean up the mess!! It has gotten to the point that if I'm not worth his effort at all, it's not worth it to me emotionally to feel the after shocks. And all this for maybe 8 minutes... last time only 3.... no small or big reward for me.....just some leftover feelings of rejection. I get no cuddles, kisses, touching, whispers, petting......but if I do the work he gets a QUICK reward and always comments that we shouldn't wait so long next time.

Maybe I should look for a "tip" on the night table next time?????

Luck to all- I know how it feels to be wanted, appreciated, and held. Lets all keep working on it ... being married is the hardest job I've ever had.

[lepez 0]

WOW! Nume hugs from me too.

My first husband and I were married for 6 yrs and had 3 children. He raped me violently once after I filed for divorce and the sex during the marriage can be considered rape also since he forced me. He cheated a lot.

My second husband and I have a great relationship but he gets up at 3am to go to work and goes to bed at 9pm sometimes earlier. I go to bed after 11pm. The only time we are intimate are the Fridays that my children go to their dad's house, if he takes them so we are talking about twice per month if we are lucky.

I start to feel disconnected when weeks go on and we have not done it. I guess it is a good thing we are not planning on having children or that would never happen at the rate we are going.

MysticstarD- Wow! You have lived through alot of heartache in your short 32 years. I hope you do not blame yourself for the rape . Know that my heart goes out to you and I wish I could give you a big hug right now. It takes alot of courage to talk about being raped.

Maziemommy-I understand how you feel. it gets really old to try to make the advances and get rejected. I too miss the hugs, kisses, petting and just the feeling of being touched. I make sure to spend some of the household money on massages because I deserve it!!!!! Hopefully all of us will get the love and touch that we deserve.

[faithmd 14]

It is so wonderful to read that I'm not alone, and that I'm not insane for staying (maybe we all are?). I want the snuggles and cuddles and so much more but I do look at the rest of my life and realize that in all other ways my marriage is a very good one. For me it is not yet a dealbreaker, it is just an empty area that I am trying to deal with.

I've got so many other things going on in my life right now, I'm trying not to focus on the emptiness. It is just great to read so many of my feelings are validated by you all.

I love this thread!

[MysticstarD 0]

Lepez it was a difficult marriage, he was also very abusive. The only time he was interested in me was when he wanted to have sex and even if I told him no he would still force it. The violent rape was in front of our oldest 2 daughters ages 3 yrs old and 7 months old.

It is hard to live w/o the hugs and kisses I could not tell you how I survived I think I went numb but I knew things could not get worst I knew someday I would be out of that.

When married to my first husband I went online and bought a dildo, there I said it. It helps at least it did me.

I am glad this conversation was started.

[KariK 0]

I concur 'toys' do help get ya through the tough times lol.

[lizrbit 0]

lol mystic and kari! its amazing what we can admit on here.

I have two toys. Im SO protective of anyone finding out yet here i could probably describe them! lol.

one isnt even a toy..toy. its just a thumping muscle massager that plugs into the wall. ....had to read that just once without laughing. OMG it plugs into the wall. hahahahha god...

::: anyway...

sister green...i got to tell you..that whole going to bed naked thing WORKS.

I actually thought about all of you and this thread this morning when i woke up and said to myself that i have to tell you this.

SINCE ive been going to bed naked, ive woke up to having husband stroking my back, or kissing me on the neck, or sometimes just his hand on my leg as we sleep! When i felt his hand on my back this morning i thought about you guys and wondered if anyone else has tried it?

and...while we are talking secrets..does ..um..anyone elses toy plug into the wall? or... am i a freak?

[nume130 0]

Funny thing: I was going thru airport security in a small airport when the security gal said to me "we have to do a physical search" I replied a physical search???!!! I had visions, well.... I'm sure you get the picture. "Do you want us to do it here or in a private room." well what do you think, a private room of course. Everyone who going on that plane with me heard the conversation. In the end all it was was a guard patted me down from head to toe and checked my shoes, but afterwards it hit me: thats the first time any one touched me a month! It was a very funny weird realization. I'm insisting on hugs from my kids. I don't from my husband because I don't want to be pushed away anymore. Sad ha ha but true.

[green 6]

Sister Lizrbit, naked is so GOOD! And I am so glad that you are in the groove. Sometimes when I am up north I go swimming naked. This is wonderful.

And ladies, I should tell you that one of my very best real friends is my ex-husband's wife. He introduced me to her a couple of decades ago and we clicked. Sadly, he died of cancer 3 years ago and she has had a bad time of it.

Now she has had a sexual reawakening with a guy who is in his 40s and she has just turned 60. Although this is in the way of a fling she has been completely rejuvenated. She looks wonderful and she is full of energy and self-confidence. And other men are starting to sit up and take notice of her. She has a guy who is in his 30s who is now breathing down her neck. She is sending out waves of sexual energy. (Green remembers those turbulent days, but she has been settled down for over 20 years now. *sigh*)

I remember those fabulous years. They sure were exciting and I am happy for my friend for she spent a few hard years grieving the lost of her mate. There is a little part of me which is not jealous but wistful; the greater part of me is thankful that I am where I am and that I have my very fine mate and which would be frightened to open the door to all of that. I love my peaceful life and I love my husband.

Still, it is fascinating to watch that kind of crazy sexual energy. It brings back memories of certain periods of my own life and I find this fascinating.

We old farts have a tendency to think that this only belongs to the young. Looks like it doesn't and that is cool, too.:biggrin1:

[MysticstarD 0]

Green: how awsome for your friend!! Swimming naked, I hope to do one day.

[TheGh0st 9]

OK mine doesn't plug into the wall, but I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one that has used a massager for other purposes. Mine is a Walgreens back masager that lights up red. I'm always living in fear of my husband catching me with the red glow and all! I'd like to get something a bit more substantial but am too embarrased to go into a store alone or to buy one online.

I even have a hidden DVD for those rare occasions he & our son go out of town.

[TheGh0st 9]

OK if I'm going to be posting here I suppose I ought to tell my story. My DH & I have an adequate sex life if you go by count. 1-2 times per week is the norm at the moment. And as the weight has come off it has been better, at least he thinks so. But, I can't believe I'm telling anyone this but in our 14 years I've only reached an orgasm during sex once. Though to be honest despite being way to active pre-marriage I never had one then either. Mechanical means seem to be the only sure method for me. And my husband thinks they are wrong.

He had a self proclaimed problem with porn addition when he was younger and hates all things related to porn. Personally I feel that is just normal male behaviour but it's his hang up. I on the other hand have a problem letting go during sex. I'm alternately obsessing over how horrible I think my boddy looks with all the extra skin (formerly weight), or thinking about how silly I sound when I do start to get excited that it ruins my mood.

My other and to me bigger problem with the whole intimacy thing is outside of the bedroom. My husband is not a touchy person. He never just holds my hand or hugs me spontaneously. I always have to initiate it and even then he always gives me one of those "do I have to" looks and pulls away the first chance he gets. Nor is he vocal with his affection. He says "I love you" all the time but it always means "Whatever, maybe if I say I love you she'll go away and leave me alone" or something similar.

The lack of intimacy outside of the bedroom makes it that much harder to feel like his interest in having sex is something he really wants to have with me or wether I'm just a convienent outlet for him. I use to refuse to have sex with him when we first married because of this and we would sometimes go 1-2 months without sex and even when we did he knew I didn't really want to. But now I've learned to just do it even if I'm not feeling like it's really me he wants more than the sex, in the hopes that at somepoint he will either really want me or I will realize that he has all along and it was my own hang-ups about the weight that fooled me into thinking he didn't really want me.

I should probably re-read this to see if any of it was coherent but if I do I'll just delete it, so here goes.

[cathgr8 1]

It makes me sad to hear of so many relationships that have problems wih intimacy. I had a similar relationship with my husband. By the time he died of cancer at age 38, we had gone years having sex only 2-3 times a year. Looking back, we had issues relating to resentment and anger that we took out on each other by withholding. And then for fourteen years I used my weight to avoid any relationships at all. I loved my husband, and he was my very best friend, yet it had been so empty and unsatisfying physically I began to think it must be impossible to have a fulfilling relationship in all ways, and I wasn't willing to settle again. Then I had the surgery, lost weight, met someone and learned that I was totally wrong. I understand how many of you feel, that this is better than nothing, or a bad relationship, and for some that may be enough. I might have done the same thing had my husband lived. But please think long and hard before wasting years with someone you will never really be fulfilled with. Think about the underlying reasons that you are not able to be intimate. I regret the wasted time, but I am so very happy that I have some years ahead with the perfect man for me in every way. In my marriage, the infrequent sex was a fifteen minute break. Now, I am with a man with ED from prostate cancer, so we have intercourse infrequently, but I have learned, a man does not need an erection to have an orgasm, or to enjoy giving and receiving pleasure on a regular basis.

[lizrbit 0]

diane! lmao..thank god im not the only one. for a while there i was checkin the thread with baited breath, each time thinking, "okay. im a freak, and these ladies have the grace not to kick a dead horse". lmao..so im relieved to find im not alone.

reading your stories, is so affirming, each one. how we all come here to the same place through different routes. Im so glad we did this.

[lizrbit 0]

PS: still sleepin naked. still getting back rubs and stuff daily! from zero to daily. I STILL dont know whats in his dinner that makes this happen.

and your so not alone on the not climaxing during sex. My husband used to look at me strange when i told him i just cant...but yet i can mechanicly, and even THEN it took forever for me to do it in front of him. i still dont have it during regular intercourse, but now he can do it manually. which is brand spanking new.

woo.

Yay for me.