Intimacy

[nume130 0]

Hi, I guess there is a need for us to talk about intimacy (yes and even sexual) issues, I know I do. I have a very lonely marriage. Can anyone relate?

[nume130 0]

Lepez, I agree Marriage is very complicated. Divorce is very frightening. It is very embarassing to talk about celibacy in marriage. So many things in life are hard to face. I never talk about it to anyone, until recently, I admitted it to a friend. She didn't understand. It affects us on so many levels, it is easier not to look, to just pretend everything is okay. What are you going to do?

[faithmd 14]

I'm sorry to see Lepez deleted her/his post. I'd have been very interested to see what she/he wrote.

My marriage is a strong one and my husband and I are the best of friends, but there is hardly any "intimacy" in our lives. And yes, I do get frustrated.

But I am thankful that I have a husband who I know loves me beyond anything I've known before, and I have my best friend. I guess some years down the road when "it" doesn't wrk anymore, other couples whose relationships are based on sex might run into problems. I've already been there (no intimacy-but not because it doesn't work), done that, got the T-shirt.

[maziemommy 8]

:nervous 2 years and 16 minutes.............. the length of time, since I started counting, and how long we have "done it" in that length of time.... Oh yeah- it was twice, so I guess it's......... 2 years, and 8 minutes each time!!! Do ya' think I belong to this thread????

SAD-16 minutes of acting on our Love in a whole two years-I feel like I could cry right now:cry--- or laugh:D--- the whole thing confuses me:confused:.

:girl_hug: Is it a good thing that our lives together can exist with out sex all the time, and we're still married??

OR :myscared: is it a bad thing that our lives together can exist with out sex hardly ever, and we're still married??

[faithmd 14]

I hear ya. I can honestly say I have NO idea when the last time (intercourse) was. At LEAST 2 years. I have a "toy chest" the size of a steamer trunk. I don't really like them. I'd prefer the real thing.

Ah well.

[nume130 0]

For me it has been 2 1/2 years. I am not happy with it at all. My husband was gay before he met me. We are Christians so, it become complicated. We have been married for 27 years this august. It was always me who inititated sex, but he put up alot of barriers, so for us 10-12 x year, even as newly weds. I was 130 lbs when married and over 200 now. I have never been happy about it at all. I want to feel loved and desired and I don't believe it is to much to ask. I live with the shame and silence- is that right? I don't think so. We are just room mates with kids and bills in common. But for us if it was just sex and there was other types of intimacy- well I just don't know.

[enterprise01 0]

For me it has been 2 1/2 years. I am not happy with it at all. My husband was gay before he met me. We are Christians so, it become complicated. We have been married for 27 years this august. It was always me who inititated sex, but he put up alot of barriers, so for us 10-12 x year, even as newly weds. I was 130 lbs when married and over 200 now. I have never been happy about it at all. I want to feel loved and desired and I don't believe it is to much to ask. I live with the shame and silence- is that right? I don't think so. We are just room mates with kids and bills in common. But for us if it was just sex and there was other types of intimacy- well I just don't know.

This just breaks my heart. I'm sorry to tell you, but if your husband was gay before you married him, then he is gay now. He is not interested in sex with you because he is not interested in sex with any woman. I'm just astounded at the number of gay men who marry women in a feeble attempt to reject their homosexuality. It just doesn't work and the wife and the children are the ones who get hurt. This has obviously taken a huge toll on your self-esteem and probably greatly contributed to your weight gain. This is an emotionally abusive situation and you need to do something to get out of it. As long as you stay with your husband, you will never know what it's like to be truly and deeply in love with a man who feels the same way about you. Please don't deny yourself that. Life is too short to be miserable.

[nume130 0]

Do you have that kind of a relationship? Deeply in love and loved in return? I have a friend who does. It is amazing to watch. The first thing her husband does when he comes in the door is go straight to her and kisses her. They are very cuddly and invest in their marriage by taking several "away times" a year.

I have 3 children, I have always put them ahead of myself- it is the right thing to do.

[enterprise01 0]

Do you have that kind of a relationship? Deeply in love and loved in return? I have a friend who does. It is amazing to watch. The first thing her husband does when he comes in the door is go straight to her and kisses her. They are very cuddly and invest in their marriage by taking several "away times" a year.

I have 3 children, I have always put them ahead of myself- it is the right thing to do.

Yes, I'm fortunate because I do have that kind of relationship. My BF and I have been together for 11 years and are still very much in love. We've had ups and downs like all other couple, but the good far outweighs the bad. By the way, we met when we were both in unhappy marriages. After having a taste of what it's really like to be in love, we decided to divorce our spouses. Best decision I ever made.

Please don't tell me you are staying with your gay husband "for the children's sake." All you are doing is setting a bad example for them. They will grow up thinking that it's normal for husbands and wives to live like roommates. As a result, they will have numerous relationship problems themselves. It may take them a long time to figure out that the model you and your husband provided was an unhealthly one and it will take them even longer to figure out how to overcome that. Trust me because you sound just like my mom. She stayed in an unhappy marriage for 30 years for the sake of her children's financial security. I would have preferred my mom's happiness over financial security. Now as an adult, I live with the guilt of knowing that I'm essentially the cause of her years of suffering. And your children will experience the same thing. Your children need your unconditional love, some of your time, and a lot of your attention. They do not need to be the center of your universe and they do not need for you to be a martyr. Sooner or later they are going to figure out that your marriage is a sham and that their father is gay, and they are going to be angry at both of you for living a lie. So please don't tell me you are staying in the marriage for the sake of the children because I truly believe you are damaging them, just like my mom did to me.

[mrspruett 0]

nume130- I really have no advice for you just hugs. I, too, would sacrifice anything for my children and I understand that you do not want to break up their home. Although my marriage is happy and sex is fairly frequent, I have had an unhappy marriage when I was younger. The first marriage ended in divorce and I remember being torn apart by guilt that I broke up my daughter's family. There is never an easy answer. God bless you.

[TheGh0st 9]

NU ME -

As a christian & mother myself I can respect your desire to want to stay with him and make it work. I'm currently having some severe problems with my own marriage and if it weren't for the church and the children I think I would be strongly thinking of leaving him.

But some of what "Enterprise" is saying hits home with me as well. My parents were married for 35 years in a very loveless marriage. Staying together for the same reasons. And since before Junior high I begged, yelled, cried for them to give it up and divorce, even though at the same time I didn't (and still don't) believe divorce is something God want us to do unless one has been unfaithfull. But as thier child it was very painfull to feel as if it were my fault in part for them remaining together.

Finally after 35 years of marriage and years after my sister & I moved out my father did leave her and now 6 years later and after much sould searching and scripture reading my mother has remarried. And now at the age of 62 I am finnaly seing her truly happy for the first time.

I guess if I have any advice to give to both you AND I, it would be to try to get counseling (or continue to receive counseling). In the church, outside of the church, anywhere you can. Do be careful in selecting counselors though as many have admitted they see there main role in counseling struggling couples of that of facilitator in helping a peaceful breakup rather than one in healing the relationship.

But more to the point. If it becomes apparent that the children are aware of and being affected by the relationship then we may want to consider seperating from our spouses.

You and I may not be able to reconcile divorce with our religion but IF it comes to it, wouldn't it still be better to seperate from him FOR the childrens sake and remain celibate that to remain with him, hurting your children, yourself, AND still being celibate?

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Enterprise - Please understand I am not trying to make any implications about wether you are or aren't a Christian or if that it matters one way or the other. By the way love your handle, I'm a big Sci-Fi "Geek" myself. :nerd:Currently reading the new (2002ish) Dune series written by Frank's son. And Tivo nearly all the sci-fi shows out right now.

[nume130 0]

Our home life is pretty peaceful. My husband and I don't argue, we are not good at addressing our issues. That is probably why we have stayed together so long. The kids of course can see the lack of intimacy esp. compared to our friends. But my kids are happy and well adjusted- you just don't tamper with that easily. Anyway, since I have been facing the issue, I do feel that I have alot of supressed anger and for that reason alone if not for all the other issues, I know I need counseling but it will be hard to find someone who doesn't know us. My husband denies being gay and he wouldn't walk away from God. It is so complicated!

[nume130 0]

Thanks everyone for you virtual hugs! Faithmd and Maziemommie what are you going to do about your situations?

[RKidder 0]

My first marriage only lasted 9 years - but 7 of them were not happy ones. My son saw my unhappiness, and I after seeking counselling (alone, my husband said I had a problem not him), I decided that yes, life is too short to spend it being miserable. I preferred to be happy alone than miserable married to this man. I did not want my son to see emotional abuse as a way to treat women. I wanted to take him away from that. I have since re-married to a wonderful man who is good to me and my son - and they adore each other. My son can finally see how a happy marriage is supposed to be.

For 3 yrs before I left my 1st husband, there was no intimacy - and when I asked him if he still wanted to stay in a sex-less marriage, he responded he did. Not me -- I am fortunate that I have a good job and was able to raise my son alone, and did not need my husband to support me.

I was raised a "good Catholic girl" and I never thought I was going to be divorced - I did my best to make a go of my marriage, but it was not to be. I never cheated on my husband. I can honestly say I did my best - but you can't do it alone. It takes two to make a marriage work.

Best of luck to you - my prayers are with you, as you work to reach a decision you can live with.

Take care, Rachel

[TheGh0st 9]

I'm sorry if this is slightly off topic, but I wanted to post a clarification to my previous comment about divorce just in case it may have hurt or offended anyone.

Just because I stated that in my view of Christianity I would not divorce my husband unless he was unfaithfull does NOT, I repeat DOES NOT! mean I believe others are sinner or wrong to have done differently. It is strictly my own personal belief system in my own personal life, and not one I presume to force or expect anyone else to follow.

Each person must walk their own path and I respect all who have the conviction to follow their own belief systems, wether it be Christian, Buddist, Muslim, Jewish, Atheist or otherwise.