Ah, the old back handed compliment!

[HumanMerelyBeing 287]

Well, I got the old back handed compliment again today. I've seen this woman 2 or 3 times since my surgery and everytime she sees me she says these seemingly positive things. "OH MY GOD! You are like half your former size now." And in a large group of people she asked me, "So how much have you lost exactly? It's like another person!!" Her comments always accentuate how extremely large I was before and how I must have also been very unattractive overall.

Well, today she saw me and said, "Seriously, I CANNOT believe you look this good." So I just smiled and said, "Well....believe it."

And hopefully, that will be that.

[beachgurl84 456]

Some people don't realize what they're actually saying and I feel sorry for them being that stupid. Then there are the ones that make the snide remarks on purpose because they feel threatened. I say to hell with both types and next time tell her you're happy with your new looks but you're not like other shallow people that focus more on looks than overall health.

[*Lexie* 1,486]

I bet you do look fantastic! That was a nice response. Regardless if the compliment is accidentally backhanded or intentionally cruel, I think a genuine thank you is a great way to respond. If the person didn't understand that they were being offensive, you are genuinely thanking them and if they are trying to be mean, you are showing that you're not letting it get to you.

[Queen of Crop 1,103]

I'll bet we could come up with an entire list of them here! It's sort of when someone says "I'm very sorry you are so upset" and they think that's an apology! If you ever got bold enough, you might want to invite her for coffee and educate her in a nice way. She probably doesn't realize that she is doing this. Either way, I'm sure YOU feel good about yourself and that's THE most important thing!!!!

Rock on.

[skinnygirlwithin 693]

my fav one is... "your husband must be all over you".... my answer now is "Why because he was repulsed by me before?" and just stand there & wait for them to correct their statment. I dont know why this one comment bugs me.

[AvaFern 3,516]

I also tend to feel annoyed when people go "OMG you lost like half of yourself" or "wow you look so good now" (yes I know I was ugly before) or "how much have you lost" and then they keep pushing you for an actual number. The vast majority of these people are good people and I don't think they mean to be offensive. I personally would never say something like that, but I also know what it's like to be on the receiving end. Most people that have said things like that to me were people who have never been overweight and likely don't realize they are being grossly insensitive. I try to give them the benefit of the doubt, be polite, and cringe on the inside.

[samuelsmom 670]

Maybe I'm crazy here, but when people stop and tell me how wonderful I look, it makes me feel warm and happy. When someone tells me I look great they are not saying that I looked awful before. It just means I look better now

Unless this is a person who is mean spirited or trying to make you feel bad (we all know they are out there), I would suggest taking the compliment in the spirit with which it was intended and enjoying the moment.

[beachgurl84 456]

I think there are two forms of compliments that are being discussed here. Seems to me @@HumanMerelyBeing is saying the person making the comments is going out of their way to point out the past instead of actually celebrating the present.

I agree with you @@samuelsmom I try to accept good natured compliments even if the wording isn't quite right. These are the ones like "You look great today!" and I'm thinking in my head "as opposed to every other day where I look terrible?" But I know they don't really mean it that way. I think she meant this person does mean it that way.

[Stevehud 1,790]

There is an old saying , "learn to take a compliment." sometimes compliments are just that. I love hearing how great I look, it lifts me up, and motivates me that little bit more to keep it up. Now i know not everyone is me by any means, but if someone says, wow you look great it doesn't mean i didn't look great before. come on. i mean if someone liked your outfit and said " hey you look great in that outfit". does that mean they are saying you look bad in anything else? Of course not. A true backhanded compliment would be like" hey you look good since you lost the weight." that has the implication built in of not looking good before. Or if someone said, " since you lost weight ill bet people like you." or " wow, without the weight, youve become attractive." Or "your pretty, now that you look normal." otherwise like i said sometimes a compliment is actually a compliment.

[BethinPA 305]

Just last week I got,

"you lost so much weight! You look so good, you are sure to find somebody now!"

I just kind of stared, slack jawed.

[Teachamy 1,042]

I have a colleague who can't deal with overhearing others compliment me. She would actually chime in any time people asked me how I lost it. "she had surgery". Yes, it was meant to help with my many autoimmune diseases. That was all I had ever shared with her and others at work. I would always add, "And I'm eating 800 calories a day." She's a bitch. She gives me "elevator eyes" when she sees me, scanning me up and down, and like Scarlett O'Hara, she is just "pea-green with envy". I look fabulous--no apologies on my part.

BTW, in the gay community, an otter is a thin, muscular, hairless (chest/body) man. I have a good friend that is described as an otter. I have never once considered licking cheesecake off him. Would add an awkward dimension to our friendship, I would imagine!