Sex

[gowalking 10,790]

As I am still waiting for Alex to create a 'dating' area on this site, I decided to post this in the general WLS forum. As many of you know, I share alot because I truly feel that if I'm going through something, so are others and I wanted to post both the good, bad, and everything in between. So...this is a good thing. I'm seeing a new man and we've had a few dates. He's not very talkative but when he is, he's funny and sardonic and what you see is what you get with this guy. I know I'm attracted to him...and he is to me. But I'm not ready to be intimate with him just yet (if ever).

I let him up to my apartment last night after dinner and sure enough, he started in right away. He never made me feel nervous...I just know that he was hoping I'd give in. I didn't. But....I was super aware that I had not yet told him about the WLS and I knew he didn't know about the loose skin, the port that sticks out, and all my issues surrounding body image. Well...turns out that a horny guy doesn't care about 'shrinkles', ports that stick out, or all the other imperfections we ladies (and men) fixate on.

Doesn't mean I still won't think about plastic surgery, but at least I learned that if I do it, it will be for me and not for a partner. He didn't care that my breasts were little loose hanging pockets of flesh. He just wanted at them. And at first I tried to keep his hand away from the port area so as not to have to explain it at such a 'critical' time but I soon realized he was running his hand over it as he was touching me all over my mid section...and either didn't feel it, or didn't care.

This was a good lesson for me to learn. I'm going to really try not to fixate so much on my flaws. I know I look good in clothes so what I have to work on is knowing I'm not disgusting out of them...and not feel the need to explain or apologize for what my body looks like.

Will discuss this with the therapist on Tuesday but glad I can also post here and let you all know what's on my mind.

Edited February 22, 2015 by gowalking

[JamieLogical 8,708]

In 2010/2011 I lost 90 pounds "on my own" and I hated my loose skin and empty breasts. My husband didn't mind one bit. H loved me 100% and always made me feel sexy and wanted, from when I was 270 pounds down to 180 with all the skin. I opted to have plastic surgery, but it was 100% for me, just like I ultimately had WLS for me when I ultimately regained 80 of those 90 pounds I'd lost. You can only do these things for yourself. You are the one who has to live with them for the rest of your life. I'm glad you are realizing that and I hope you ultimately reach a decision regarding PS that will result in the greatest amount of happiness for yourself.

Good luck in your blossoming relationship!

[bkchick88 66]

Good to share your experience with others on this topic. Even married people like myself can relate to feeling self-conscious about our bodies with our partner/husband. I've been all over the place on the scale with my weight and have often wondered what my husband thinks when we're alone. I've come to the same conclusion you have; those imperfections we focus on fade away and don't seem to matter as much as we think they do. I'm not naive enough to think that there isn't a big portion of the population where it would matter, but not with all men. If only perfect people made love or fell in love, there would be a lot less love goin' on.

[IcanMakeit 1,318]

We have all been programmed by our entertainment media to think that physically flawless people are the only beautiful and desirable people. Average mortals are never the love interest in movies and TV. No wonder we all focus on our perceived imperfections. But when two people actually connect, the programming breaks down, thank goodness, and we can appreciate each other without comparisons to perfect specimens.

[amponder 396]

I am going TMI here but even with the weight I have lost my husband's favorite thing because we are both heavy is that our stomachs don't get in the way any more. Sometimes what we fixate on isn't what our partners are thinking about. Sex was getting challenging physically and now it's so much easier and better.

[Keeper 218]

My DH and I have, and have always had, a very healthy sex life. We're the kind of couple who reflects a lot and talk about anything and everything, past, present and future. He tells me (and shows me) that he has been attracted to me at every step we have been on, but it is impossible to not get self conscious sometimes. I've told him about my fears of loose skin, but he just loves that we can be closer. He is only a little overweight but has always loved curvy women. He jokes that I better not lose my curves, but on a more serious note, he tells me that he is just as excited as I am for me to lose the weight. He tells me that he hopes any decision like PS is for me and not for him, and I am grateful for his support.

[DivergentRavenclaw 8]

If someone only wants you for your body, it's a bad sign. True love is beyond that

[JustWatchMe 7,117]

This is a great thread. I was always self conscious about my body, whether it was fat or (briefly) thin. It's part of my recovery to work on that issue as well as losing the weight.

[Bandista 7,466]

A wise woman, who turned out to be my birth mother, once told me, "sex is all In the brain." I think that's true. Love the body part, the physical, but it's our brains that are signalling all that happiness. For me confidence goes a long way, and my band has provided a lot of that. I am so happy to be happy in my body. I am in my fifties and recognize that imperfections are par for the course. My focus is on feeling good -- in my body and also in my brain.

[Band Aid mom 64]

My best friend and I were just having this conversation last night. She was talking/asking my opinion about her decision to have breast reconstruction after double mastectomy. She was saying that she wasn't sure she wanted to go through that on top of everything else she has been through so far. I can understand!! She also asked me if I was going to have PS after I lose all the weight and I told her I really didn't think so. It is much different now (in my 50's) than it was say if I was in my 20's. My husband loves and supports me fat, thin, saggy skin, etc. He came up to me last night and said he feels my skin on my lower belly feels much more "squishy". Didn't mean it in a bad way, just was making an observation. I gave him a "look" and he immediately gave me a hug and said he loves it- sweet man!! Maybe it would be different if I wasn't in a relationship?? Not sure.

[Ginger Snaps 1,323]

Love this thread... only a few places or people you can talk about things like this with.

I met a new man around the time I hit goal weight and at first when we were intimate, I was really self concious -- only about my saggy stomach. I had a ton of stretch marks before surgery from pregnancies, so it's really the only place I have lots of sag and wrinkling/scarring. So, at first, it was lights out, or keeping a cami on... stuff like that. He never really asked about the weird eating habits (super small portions, picking through stuff on the plate for Protein, appetizers for meals and still taking home half). I think he just figured that's how I stayed at a slim, healthy weight.

After dating for about 2 months, I told him about having surgery and losing over 70 pounds. He was like "Wow, good for you!" It was a total non-issue with him. He was a little shocked when I told him I had only had the surgery 7 months before. He thought it had been years.

He asks me every now and then questions about before, like was I active then or able to hike/climb, stuff like that. I showed him a few before pictures and he was like "Wow, you look like a new woman -- a beautiful new woman". It stings a little when he says stuff like that because I know with him, he would not have been attracted to me. He's very fit and healthy and active and just doesn't go for heavier women. I don't judge him for that because it's just the way he feels but it still stings to remember how unattractive and undesirable I felt at my prior weight.

You're right... horny men DON'T even notice a lot of our flaws. They certainly don't focus on flaws like we seem to meditate on. I read a dating blog and the guy frequently says no matter what you look like when you wake up, you're beautiful to us because you're waking up beside us.

Good for you recognizing this and talking to your therapist to help overcome it. It may talk a while but maybe someday we can really feel that our "flaws" are just proof we're human and that we've done work to help us lead healthier lives... they are not just battle scars but victory scars!

[bikrchk 1,313]

That first time getting back on that horse, so to speak, can be terrifying. I was 4 years post divorce and about 1 year post-op. Someone I'd met on line and we'd been dating a while so the relationship was "newish". I'd told him about my surgery, but it was terrifying for me nonetheless, to be THAT vulnerable in a new relationship . Turned out my fear was completely unfounded! He makes me feel beautiful, scars and skin, clothed or not!

[parisshel 1,892]

I strongly recommend beautiful lingerie...for whatever stage of weight loss one is at. Not only is it great for camoflage, I've never met a man who wasn't excited by it. Balconnet bras are miracle workers for propping up breasts, high-waisted panties with built-in garters can flatten a tummy and give you a pin-up look. Pair with stockings and your thighs won't wobble and your legs will look perfect. My BF just gave me some wonderful bra+panty sets from Adam and Eve for Valentine's Day..their stuff is really pretty and affordable.

If I were meeting someone new and disrobing for the first time, I'd totally insist on keeping on the lingerie. He'd probably think I was just being coy and I'd probably let him think just that. But really, it would be more for keeping it all in and allowing me to feel sexy and not focused on all the wobbly bits.

[ThreeCrows 46]

What a great thread! Been married for over twenty years, but it's so nice to hear these body-positive stories. My TMI NSV is to be on top without crushing the poor man.

[JamieLogical 8,708]

My TMI NSV is to be on top without crushing the poor man.

Ha! I am sure he will appreciate that!